WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

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gilesth
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WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by gilesth » August 11th, 2010, 1:44 pm

This is the draft of a query for the manuscript I just finished. I have the synopsis in the synopsis-feedback board, and I wanted to get a jump on my query while I wait for feedback on the synopsis. Any and all feedback is appreciated :)


Dear [agent],

While hunting a young dragon in Denver, Colorado, Chris Drake’s best friend and partner, Yvonne, is kidnapped by an ancient dragon named Tiraenar. Chris is given thirty days to find Yvonne before she’s eaten by Tiraenar. The moment he starts his search, though, the sixteen-year old boy runs into a cult intent on stopping the slayer from killing Tiraenar.

To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings. And sometimes, he even spits fire. With a representative from his dragon slayers union in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden. When he overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne from Tiraenar, he’ll worry about whether or not he’s turning into a dragon. Until then, he has a job to do.

WYRM FIEND is a Young Adult Urban Fantasy, complete at 50,000 words.

[Personal blurb about why I chose the agent]



I know it's short, but my last query (for a previous book) was WAY too long, over-informative, and boring. I figured I'd start with just the raw basics and see what's needed from there.

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by Meredith » August 11th, 2010, 1:57 pm

gilesth wrote:
I think this is a really good beginning.

Dear [agent],

I really think you should start with at least a sentence about Chris. Why do he and his friend hunt dragons? What is the dragon slayers union and how did he become a member? Those are just suggestions for what might be in the first couple of sentences. You know the story best.

While hunting a young dragon in Denver, I think I'd leave out the distinction between the two dragons for the query. It's an added complication that doesn't give any added punch. Maybe just while hunting dragons?Colorado, Chris Drake’s best friend and partner, Yvonne, is kidnapped Do you want to say kidnapped? Captured might be better.by an ancient dragon named Tiraenar. Chris is given thirty days I think I need a reason why a dragon would bargain like this. Or is this standard practice for dragons in your world? to find Yvonne before she’s eaten by Tiraenar. The moment he starts his search, though, the sixteen-year old boy This should information should be in that first couple of sentences. runs into a cult intent on stopping the slayer from killing Tiraenar. Why? Is it a Save the Dragons League or something? That's my curiousity. It might not belong in your query unless you can give a hint in just a few words.

To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings. And sometimes, he even spits fire. Now there's a complication. Is he completely surprised by this turn of events or is it an occupational hazard of dragon slayers? With a representative from his dragon slayers union in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden. When he overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne from Tiraenar, he’ll worry about whether or not he’s turning into a dragon. Until then, he has a job to do.

WYRM FIEND is a Young Adult Urban Fantasy, complete at 50,000 words.

[Personal blurb about why I chose the agent]



I know it's short, but my last query (for a previous book) was WAY too long, over-informative, and boring. I figured I'd start with just the raw basics and see what's needed from there.
Short is good. I think you're well on your way with this.
MeredithMansfield.WordPress.com

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by wilderness » August 11th, 2010, 2:49 pm

Meredith did a great job on the points that need clarification. I added a few notes as well. I did like the premise. Sounds like a fun book.
gilesth wrote:
Dear [agent],

While hunting a young dragon in Denver, Colorado, Chris Drake’s best friend and partner, Yvonne, is kidnapped by an ancient dragon named Tiraenar. Agree with Meredith on the 2 dragons in one sentence. Also this is passive voice. Consider something like "Chris Drake and his best friend Yvonne hunt dragons. But one sunny day, an ancient dragon named Tiraenar reverses their roles and kidnaps Yvonne." (or some such) Chris is given thirty days to find Yvonne before she’s eaten by Tiraenar. This is also passive voice, and in this case the passive voice leads to confusion. Who gave Chris 30 days? Did Tiraenar write a ransom note? The moment he starts his search, though, the sixteen-year old boy runs into a cult intent on stopping the slayer from killing Tiraenar. This is a lot of information at once because we didn't know there was a slayer much less a group against the slayer. Maybe take 2 sentences to explain.

To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings. And sometimes, he even spits fire. That's a twist! With a representative from his dragon slayers union in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden. If he ever overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne from Tiraenar, then he’ll worry about whether or not he’s turning into a dragon. Until then, he has a job to do. The suggested change in blue is to maintain tension about whether he will in fact accomplish these things. But overall, nice ending.

WYRM FIEND is a Young Adult Urban Fantasy, complete at 50,000 words.

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by gilesth » August 11th, 2010, 3:11 pm

Gotta say, I love how helpful everyone on the board is! And it seems like I'm on the right track with this query :) I'll start revisions...NOW!

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by gilesth » August 11th, 2010, 4:25 pm

Alright, here's a revision. What do you think?

Dear [agent],

Sixteen year-old Chris Drake and his best friend Yvonne hunt dragons for the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends in Denver, Colorado. Only days after killing a dragon in the mountains, the beast’s brother, Tiraenar, captures Yvonne and sends a message to Chris. The boy gets thirty days to track down the dragon before Yvonne is eaten. Certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, Chris sets out to find and kill Tiraenar to save Yvonne.

His task becomes complicated when a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to cut out Chris’s eyes. They believe that dragon blood caries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, his blood will destroy the United States.

To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings. And sometimes, he even spits fire. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest they suspect him to be a dragon. If he overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until then, he has a job to do.

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by gilesth » August 11th, 2010, 5:57 pm

Based on feedback I've received on another site, here is an update.

Sixteen year-old Chris Drake and his best friend Yvonne hunt dragons for the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends in Denver, Colorado. Only days after killing a dragon in the mountains, the beast’s brother, Tiraenar, captures Yvonne and sends a message to Chris. The boy gets thirty days to track down the dragon before Yvonne is eaten. Certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, Chris sets out to find and kill Tiraenar to save Yvonne.

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood caries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy United States.

To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings. And sometimes, he even spits fire. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest they suspect him to be a dragon. If he overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until then, he has a job to do.



Beyond those changes, I haven't received any notes. I don't want to send this out unless it's REALLY ready. Thanks again for everyone's help!

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by wilderness » August 11th, 2010, 6:51 pm

gilesth wrote:
Sixteen-year-old
Chris Drake and his best friend Yvonne hunt dragons for the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends in Denver, Colorado. Sixteen-year-old was missing a dash. Only days after they kill a dragon in the mountains, the beast’s brother, Tiraenar, captures Yvonne and sends a message to Chris. The previous version implied that Tiraenar had killed his own brother. The boy gets thirty days to track down the dragon before Yvonne is eaten. Certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, Chris sets out to find and kill Tiraenar to save Yvonne.

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. I thought it was better when you were specific about their attack on Chris. It's vague as is. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy United States. Carries was spelled wrong. "Caries" means decay...spell-check fail :)

To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings. And sometimes, he even spits fire. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest they suspect him to be a dragon. If he can ever overcome the cult and save Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. In the meantime, he has a job to do. This is nitpicking, but the inflection of the sentence didn't read correctly for me before. Also, changed "Until then" to avoid another "then" since there was one in the previous sentence.
It looks pretty good to me! I like how you've mentioned the Fraternity; it gives us a better sense of the world. Good luck.

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by gilesth » August 11th, 2010, 7:56 pm

*Sigh of relief* I'm REALLY glad I didn't send this out yet :) "caried" probably would have gotten me an instant rejection.

Also, I'm not very attached to the title. What do you all think of renaming it BLOOD OF THE DRAGON?

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by wilderness » August 11th, 2010, 8:29 pm

BLOOD OF THE DRAGON is too plain in my opinion. It will blend in with too many other dragon fantasies.

WYRM FIEND - Well, I didn't know wyrm was an old English term for dragon until I googled it just now. The title is more unique than BLOOD OF THE DRAGON but you might brainstorm some more. Wyrm kind of makes me envision worms though :P

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by thewhipslip » August 11th, 2010, 10:10 pm

[quote="gilesth"]

Sixteen year-old Chris Drake and his best friend Yvonne hunt dragons for the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends in Denver, Colorado Great opening sentence. Very specific.. Only days after killing a dragon in the mountains, the beast’s brother, Tiraenar, captures Yvonne and sends a message to Chris. The boy gets thirty days to track down the dragon before Yvonne is eaten. Certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, Chris sets out to find and kill Tiraenar to save Yvonne You can cut the "to save Yvonne". This is already implied..

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood caries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy United States. I think you can cut why they want to stop Chris. That they want to stop him is enough of a conflict, in my opinion. I found the second sentence too be too explanatory.

To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings. And sometimes, he even spits fire I don't like the "And sometimes" start to this. Reads passive to me, and the fact that he's spitting fire is pretty cool. Might want to just go for the punch, such as: "To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings - and the occasional fireball.". With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest they suspect him to be a dragon. If he overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until then, he has a job to do.
Very good job. I'd definitely read pages on this.
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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by gilesth » August 23rd, 2010, 1:33 pm

Okay, I let this stew for a week, and after looking it over, I've made some minor changes. Any new thoughts?

Dear Agent,

Sixteen year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne, are dragon slayers for Denver branch of the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, a dragon named Tiraenar abducts Yvonne and sends Chris a message. The boy is given thirty days to track down Tiraenar before Yvonne is eaten. Certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, Chris sets out to find and kill the dragon to save his partner.

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy the United States.

To make matters worse, Chris finds himself growing horns and wings. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest they suspect him to be a dragon. If he overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until then, he has a job to do.

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by Emily J » August 23rd, 2010, 1:57 pm

gilesth wrote:Okay, I let this stew for a week, and after looking it over, I've made some minor changes. Any new thoughts?

Dear Agent,

Sixteen year-old Sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne, are dragon slayers for the? Denver branch of the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, a dragon named Tiraenar abducts Yvonne and sends Chris a message. The boy is given thirty days to track down Tiraenar before Yvonne is eaten. Certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, Chris sets out to find and kill the dragon to save his partner. <-- not bad, but can you tie the clauses of this sentence together a bit more? suggestion: "Certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, Chris has no choice but to take the bait and find the dragon if he is to save his partner." I think you can do better than that but you get the idea

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy the United States.

To make matters worse, Chris finds himself growing horns and wings. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest they indefinite pronoun, the Fraternity? or the representative(s)? suspect him to be a dragon. If he overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne, <-- hmm, well he still has a dragon standing in the way right? this seems like a bit of a shift in logic, overcoming the cult doesn't equate to saving Yvonne right? then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until then, he has a job to do.

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by gilesth » August 23rd, 2010, 2:20 pm

Thanks, Emily J. :D


Sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne, are dragon slayers for the Denver branch of the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, a dragon named Tiraenar abducts Yvonne and sends Chris a message. The boy is given thirty days to track down Tiraenar before Yvonne is eaten. Though Chris is certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, he sets out to find and kill the dragon to save his partner.

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy the United States.

To make matters worse, Chris finds himself growing horns and wings. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest the Fraternity suspect him of being a dragon. If he overcomes the cult, kills Tiraenar and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until that day, he has a job to do.

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by chris13 » August 26th, 2010, 6:52 pm

Hi,

Here's my 2 cents (and I love the premise): Red is cuts; I can't find the strike through app here.

Sixteen year-old Chris Drake and his best friend Yvonne hunt dragons for the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends in Denver, Colorado. Only days after killing a dragon in the mountains, the beast’s brother, Tiraenar, captures Yvonne and sends a message to Chris. The boy gets has thirty days to track down the dragon before Yvonne is eaten. Certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, Chris sets out to find and kill Tiraenar to save Yvonne. Why does the dragon give 30 days? He wants to lure Chris; why wait? Is there something else about the 30 day ultimatum?

However, The Fraternity, intent on keeping Tiraenar alive, tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood caries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy United States. This needs explanation.

To make matters worse, Chris suddenly finds himself growing horns and wings. And sometimes, he even spits fire. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest they suspect him to be a dragon. If he overcomes the cult and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until then, he has a job to do. Need a resolution here, especially if it is more than simply saving Yvonne. How does he deal with his dragonhood?



Beyond those changes, I haven't received any notes. I don't want to send this out unless it's REALLY ready. Thanks again for everyone's help![/quote]

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Re: WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

Post by thewhipslip » August 26th, 2010, 7:41 pm

gilesth wrote:Thanks, Emily J. :D


Sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne, are dragon slayers for the Denver branch of the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, a dragon named Tiraenar abducts Yvonne and sends Chris a message. The boy is given thirty days to track down Tiraenar before Yvonne is eaten. Though Chris is certain that the beast is luring him to its lair for revenge, he sets out to find and kill the dragon to save his partner.

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy the United States.
I think you're missing a thread between this paragraph and the next...why is Chris growing horns and wings? I think you had it in a previous version and it worked really well.


To make matters worse, Chris finds himself growing horns and wings. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest the Fraternity suspect him of being a dragon. If he overcomes the cult, kills Tiraenar and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until that day, he has a job to do.
Overall, I remember your other version as having more of a voice. This reads a bit stiffly to me.
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