Query THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO MG -Which one is better

[suz]

Okay gang. You all have been so amazingly helpful. The basic question is: Which second paragraph is better? The longer version or more concise? Taking all opinions.

Thanks,

Suz

I’m seeking representation for my early middle-grade novel, THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO complete at 30,000 words.

Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She thinks her life is perfect. She has a belly full of food, the neighborhood squirrels on the run, and her owners’ undivided attention. So when a new baby is born, she is shocked to find she suddenly has too much energy, and they are giving her away. Her new family, the Littlefields, takes her sailing before she can escape and clear up the terrible mistake. A freak storm leaves the parents adrift in the dinghy, and Puckatoo and the three squabbling boys, ages eleven, seven and four, stranded on the boat.

shorter version
Now, in order to get home to her old life, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. But while she protects them from dangers along the way -- like a strange isolated island, its silver-eyed inhabitants, and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad -- she discovers that maybe she doesn’t want her old life after all. Being part of the Littlefield pack may not always be a walk in the dog park, and she may not be the center of attention anymore, but having real responsibility and purpose with a family turns out to be the perfect adventure for a dog like Puckatoo.

longer version
Now, in order to get home to her old life, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. When they come upon an island, she hopes to find helpful humans to call the Coast Guard. What she discovers instead is an ancient beast that smells like a bone gone bad. He has terrorized the island’s silver-eyed inhabitants for centuries. Befriended by a young girl who has her own struggle against the beast and half her village as well, Puckatoo and the boys do what generations of warriors have never been able to accomplish. As Puckatoo uses her teeth and wits to keep the boys safe, she discovers that maybe she doesn’t want her old life back after all. Being part of the Littlefield pack may not be a walk in the dog park, and she may not be the center of attention anymore, but having real responsibility and purpose with a family turns out to be the perfect adventure for a dog like Puckatoo.

While I wrote the story to appeal to both genders, I believe THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years. When I am not writing or sailing, I work as a clinical social worker with individuals, children and families in an outpatient setting. Currently I am on an adventure of my own, (no monsters, only sheep), living in New Zealand for the year. I will be returning to Maine in September of 2011.

[cheekychook]

I much prefer the shorter version---clearer and more straightforward.

ETA: you don't need the word "like"---just list the three dangers

[Quill]

Shorter.

[Holly]

I much prefer the shorter version---clearer and more straightforward.

ETA: you don't need the word "like"---just list the three dangers

Shorter. Also, I agree with Cheekychook -- you don't need "like" before the three dangers. It jumped out at me as something that doesn't belong in the sentence.

Editing this to say how much I like the name Puckatoo. Good luck!

[suz]

And by unanimous decision...shorter it is!

Thank you for your generousity. I will do my best to repay it.

Write well,

Suz

[Thermocline]

I like the shorter version better as well. I think you could change the last line, though, to make a stronger query. Right now, it gives away the end of the book (telling us what Puckatoo has learned and that everything works out fine.) Try to find a way to leave us wondering what is going to happen. We know Puckatoo has a number of obstacles to face so I am sure you can describe a climactic moment without showing us the resolution.

[Ishta]

I agree with Thermocline. Maybe you could cut the last sentence, and in the new last sentence, say "she wonders if..." instead of "she discovers..."? That way, we're left wondering how things will turn out.

This is one of the big differences between a synopsis and a query: the query should leave the reader hanging, where the synopsis should not.