I laughed. You've compacted it nicely.cheekychook wrote:Okay, first there was the synopsis-ish version, then the book-blurb attempt...now there's a really short one, weighing in at only 143 words---which is usually about how long it takes me to begin a message board post ;) Hmm...first try 350 words, second try 250 words, third try 143 words...a few more goes at this and I'll be down to submitting the word "Please?" I need a nap. Any and all comments welcome. Thanks in advance. Here it is:
Good! Suggest period after "Valeti."When NYU professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife convinces him to move to the suburbs, he hopes it’s a first step toward starting the family he longs to have. Instead he meets his neighbor, Marienne Valeti,
Suggest begin with "She loves..."who loves her freelance design job but struggles with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband’s indifference.
That way, you intro her as part of his intro, then go on to tell about her separate from his intro.
Good! Wondering if you should remove the comma after "brownies" to improve the flow.A penchant for good books, late night star gazing, and Marienne’s to-die-for homemade brownies, sparks a powerful bond between them.
Your wording is terrific. Good work picking the words.Their camaraderie fills the voids in each of their lives. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their own minds.
This is your best version yet of the crux sentence. And it hasn't been easy I know. It's still a tiny bit rough, though, I think. Don't know if it yet truly conveys the problem -- feelingwise. In nuance.Even when events conspire to make them both available, they resist, terrified to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they're truly MEANT TO BE.
A small tweak? How about "Now they resist..."
What is the conundrum? Isn't it that before, when they were married, they resisted because they were married, and now they are resisting for whole other reasons (the friendship thing, and the shy/does-he-feel-like-I-do syndrome you mentioned in the other query).
I think the middle bar of the sentence "they resist" is the weak part. How about "they still resist"? Like that part is a bridge between new availability and what's (still) holding them back. If that could be made a little stronger, it seems the query would be perfect.
How about "they find themselves resisting again, (for other reasons)?