Meant To Be---another new version

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Re: Meant To Be---Comm. Fic---new "special request" version

Post by Thermocline » October 13th, 2010, 2:42 pm

It is great to see how much refining you've done on this query. I remember commenting on it back in August. Congratulations on getting some requests! That's great.

I think you should keep "his divorce, her widowhood, single parenting" because it shows us specifically what they're dealing with. The only thing that hung me up, though, is wondering about the single parenting. You mention that Daniel "hopes it's a first step toward starting the family he longs to have" but I don't know if that ever happened. So I'm not sure if Marienne is the single parent or both of them are single parents.
cheekychook wrote: Daniel and Marienne’s friendship has helped them weather every hardship they’ve faced---his divorce, her widowhood, single parenting---now they’re both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife convinces him to move to the suburbs, he hopes it’s a first step toward starting the family he longs to have. This is a great first line. You've given me the setting, sense of the main and secondary characters, and an idea of the conflict, all within 28 words. Nice! Instead Instead of what? Having kids? he meets his neighbor, Marienne Valeti, who loves her freelance design job, but must contend with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband’s indifference. A penchant for good books, bad movies, and Marienne’s to-die-for brownies, sparks a powerful bond between them. Passion simmers Why does the passion simmer? Time passes? , but they resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their own minds. When events conspire to leave them both single, they struggle with different issues I think you could cut this because you mention the issues above. , terrified to risk their friendship to discover if they are truly meant to be.

I'm assuming you'll include the title, genre, and word count.
I think this is a great query. Concise, but filled with relevant details. Good work!

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Re: Meant To Be---Comm. Fic---new "special request" version

Post by cheekychook » October 13th, 2010, 2:48 pm

downthewell---- While I understand what you're saying about upping the emotional tension I can't see how to do that in this particular version of the query---the whole point of this version is that I'm writing it specifically for agents who request a one-sentence logline followed by a single paragraph made up of 3-6 sentences describing the rest of the book. When being forced to be that concise you can't go into emotional depth and still get across the basics of the plot. My longer query version (which I've used for most of my submissions) is more detailed because it wasn't constrained by such specific guidelines. Unfortunately there is no such thing as a universal query---agents want/don't want different things. Several of the agents I'm talking about who want this super-short type even have an online submission form that cuts you off with a specific wordcount (for the query). I'm not making up these rules, I'm just trying to follow them. Some of the agents who want the uber-short query also want a one-page synopsis, so hopefully my synopsis will get across the details that simply can't fit in query of this length.
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Re: Meant To Be---Comm. Fic---new "special request" version

Post by cheekychook » October 13th, 2010, 3:49 pm

Okay....so, while still staying within the confines of the minimalistic word count, the 6 line plot paragraph and the single sentence log line, I've tweaked again and now have the following.... Thanks to all who have commented---please tell me if I'm improving or if my lunacy is starting to show. Thank you. (For those keeping track this is currently 199 words, which leaves room for an agent personalization and a bio sentence.)

Daniel and Marienne’s friendship has helped them weather every hardship they’ve faced---his divorce, her widowhood and single parenting---now they’re both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife convinces him to move to the suburbs, he hopes it’s a first step toward starting the family he longs to have. Instead of domestic bliss he finds camaraderie with his neighbor, Marienne Valeti. She loves her freelance design job, but must contend with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband’s indifference. A penchant for good books, bad movies, and Marienne’s to-die-for brownies, sparks a powerful bond between them. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure, surrendering only in the seclusion of their minds. Even when events leave them both single, they struggle, unsure the romantic feelings are returned, and terrified to risk their friendship to discover if they are truly meant to be.

MEANT TO BE is commercial fiction and is complete at 106,000 words. It will appeal to Twi-Moms who yearn for a more adult, all-human romantic tale, and fans of Nicholas Sparks who appreciate hearing a love story told, in part, through a man's point of view.
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Re: Meant To Be---Comm. Fic---new "special request" version

Post by cheekychook » December 2nd, 2010, 4:38 pm

It's been over a month since my last query critique...makes it seem like I'm seeking penance, which is funny since the query process is more than enough like penance on it's own. Anyway...as those of you who've followed my query progress know I have several variations on my query letter. The two that have made their way to agents (the original "long version" and the newest "log line version"---both further back on this thread) have both lead to requests, but not as many requests as I'd like and, as yet, not offers of representation. I'm going slowly with my querying, hoping that someone at some point will give me some constructive criticism or something else I can use. I'm still only about 1/3 of the way through my list of agents as I'm hoping to have had some feedback before I submit to my top choices. I've decided not to send any new letters out until after the holidays (there's enough stress involved in the holidays without checking an inbox and finding either rejections or no responses), so in the meantime I've taken my query out for another spin. A wise man once suggested that if I try to write yet another version I attempt to take a whole new approach, so here's what I came up with---I have no idea if it works or not, or if it's significantly worse, better or different from my past versions---I'm too close to view it objectively, so that's where you all come in. I'm open to any and all comments or suggestions. Thanks in advance. (It currently weighs in at 318 words.)

Dear Agent,

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner marries Justine he can’t believe his luck---she’s beautiful and brilliant, the kind of woman most men only dream of having. Four years later he finds himself agreeing to move to New Jersey so Justine can further her career, which brings him a two hour commute but leaves him no closer to starting the family he’s always wanted.

Graphic designer Marienne Valeti has felt less significant with each passing day of her marriage to Frank---the romantic man who wooed her evaporated on their wedding night, leaving her married to a stranger whose only interests seem to be his job and what’s for dinner. By their second anniversary she feels like a long-forgotten toy—no longer desired and totally ignored.

Daniel and Marienne meet while volunteering at the local theater’s charity fundraiser. She finds Daniel charming and hilarious, not to mention sexy as hell. He’s the kind of guy she’d have fallen for in a heartbeat when she was single, though she’s sure he would have been out of her league. He thinks Marienne is adorable and amazing, from her off-the-charts cooking skills to her uncanny ability to complete his sentences, everything about her intrigues him. Although he finds himself thinking about her in ways he knows he shouldn’t, he wouldn’t ever do anything to compromise their friendship.

When Marienne becomes pregnant she’s thrilled but worried, particularly when Frank withdraws even further. Daniel is fascinated, longing all the more to start a family of his own, but Justine is repulsed by the mention of anything baby-related. While their marriages disintegrate the bond between Daniel and Marienne grows stronger. They fill the voids in each other’s lives in ways their spouses never have.

Daniel and Marienne’s friendship helps them weather every hardship they face---his divorce, her widowhood and single parenting---now they’re both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.

MEANT TO BE is a contemporary romance, complete at 106,000 words.
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Re: Meant To Be---Comm. Fic---new "special request" version

Post by Quill » December 2nd, 2010, 8:35 pm

cheekychook wrote: When NYU professor Daniel Gardner marries Justine he can’t believe his luck---she’s beautiful and brilliant, the kind of woman most men only dream of having.
Okay but I'd say "married" and omit "only".
Four years later he finds himself agreeing to move to New Jersey so Justine can further her career, which brings him a two hour commute but leaves him no closer to starting the family he’s always wanted.
How about "for Justine's career" instead of "so Justine can further her career."

How about "which leaves him with a two-hour commute and no closer to starting the family..."

Streamline, streamline.
Graphic designer Marienne Valeti has felt less significant with each passing day of her marriage to Frank---the romantic man who wooed her evaporated on their wedding night,
How about "skedaddled" or some such. "Evaporated" seems to me an odd image to describe what happened.
leaving her married to a stranger whose only interests seem to be his job and what’s for dinner.
Good.
By their second anniversary she feels like a long-forgotten toy—no longer desired and totally ignored.
I'd omit this in the interest of brevity and the fact that you've already made your point.

Daniel and Marienne meet while volunteering at the local theater’s charity fundraiser.
How about trying this: " While volunteering at the local theater’s charity fundraiser, Daniel and Marienne meet." Seems to have more impact.
She finds Daniel charming and hilarious, not to mention sexy as hell.
Excellent.
He’s the kind of guy she’d have fallen for in a heartbeat when she was single, though she’s sure he would have been out of her league.
Thinking this could go for cadence reasons and the fact that you've already made your point.
He thinks Marienne is adorable and amazing, from her off-the-charts cooking skills to her uncanny ability to complete his sentences,
Excellent.
everything about her intrigues him.
Consider axing this as the least original part of your description, and the fact that...
Although he finds himself thinking about her in ways he knows he shouldn’t, he wouldn’t ever do anything to compromise their friendship.
Good, but I think this could be punched up, starting with deleting "Although". Another weak area is "wouldn't ever"
When Marienne becomes pregnant she’s thrilled but worried, particularly when Frank withdraws even further. Daniel is fascinated, longing all the more to start a family of his own, but Justine is repulsed by the mention of anything baby-related. While their marriages disintegrate the bond between Daniel and Marienne grows stronger. They fill the voids in each other’s lives in ways their spouses never have.
This is decent, sufficient, serviceable.
Daniel and Marienne’s friendship helps them weather every hardship they face
Consider dropping "they face" as redundant to "them" and "every hardship" and maybe put in "new"": every new hardship (to signify the progression).
---his divorce, her widowhood and single parenting---now they’re both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.
Good. I like the style of this query, but don't be satisfied with the shortness. Further streamlining will only make the plot stand out better, I'm feeling.

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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by cheekychook » December 2nd, 2010, 9:42 pm

Thanks Quill. :) I can always count on you for the detailed, no-nonsense response. Much appreciated, as always. Some questions/comments and an updated version:

"Okay but I'd say "married" and omit "only"."

Wouldn't that be messing up the tenses in the sentence....married-she's? Or no? Or am I misunderstanding? Not sure I like it without the "only", but I took it out in the version below. Better? Or no?

"Streamline, streamline."

It's a first draft, stop nagging!

"How about "skedaddled" or some such. "Evaporated" seems to me an odd image to describe what happened."

I don't like "evaporated" either, but "skedaddled" doesn't seem to fit the tone. Got anything else? I don't. "Disappeared" makes it sound like he went missing, but that's what happens---the guy he portrayed himself to be disappears in a poof of smoke the second she says "I do". (I hate it when that happens.) Does "vanished" work better?

"This is decent, sufficient, serviceable."

Try to contain your enthusiasm. ;)

Okay, here's the modified version (or, as some would say, "streamlined"---down to 282 words)---now what? You know I'm never happy with anything less than 300 rewrites...

Dear Agent,

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner marries Justine he can’t believe his luck---she’s beautiful and brilliant, the kind of woman most men dream of having. Four years later he finds himself agreeing to move to New Jersey for Justine’s career, which leaves him with a two-hour commute and no closer to starting the family he’s always wanted.

Graphic designer Marienne Valeti has felt less significant with each passing day of her marriage to Frank---the romantic man who wooed her evaporated on their wedding night, leaving her married to a stranger whose only interests seem to be his job and what’s for dinner.

While volunteering at the local theater’s charity fundraiser, Daniel and Marienne meet. She finds Daniel charming and hilarious, not to mention sexy as hell. He thinks Marienne is adorable and amazing, from her off-the-charts cooking skills to her uncanny ability to complete his sentences. He finds himself thinking about her in ways he knows he shouldn’t, but he’s committed to his marriage and would never do anything to jeopardize his friendship with Marienne.

When Marienne becomes pregnant she’s thrilled but worried, particularly when Frank withdraws even further. Daniel is fascinated, longing all the more to start a family of his own, but Justine is repulsed by the mention of anything baby-related. While their marriages disintegrate, the bond between Daniel and Marienne grows stronger. They fill the voids in each other’s lives in ways their spouses never have.

Daniel and Marienne’s friendship helps them weather every new hardship---his divorce, her widowhood and single parenting---now they’re both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.

MEANT TO BE is a contemporary romance, complete at 106,000 words.
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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by Quill » December 2nd, 2010, 9:51 pm

First, what do YOU think of this?

I think it's improved.

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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by cheekychook » December 2nd, 2010, 9:56 pm

Quill wrote:First, what do YOU think of this?

I think it's improved.
I don't post here to find out what I think---I already know my opinion. I wouldn't make the changes if I didn't think they improved it. Or I'd at least question them with sarcasm. ;)
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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by cheekychook » December 3rd, 2010, 11:03 am

Tweaked again. Comments? Anyone? Bueller?

Dear Agent,

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner marries Justine he can’t believe his luck---she’s beautiful and brilliant, the kind of woman most men dream of having. Four years later he finds himself agreeing to move to New Jersey for Justine’s career, which leaves him with a two-hour commute and no closer to starting the family he’s always wanted.

Graphic designer Marienne Valeti has felt less significant with each passing day of her marriage to Frank---the romantic man who wooed her vanished on their wedding night, leaving her married to a stranger whose only interests seem to be his job and what’s for dinner.

While volunteering at the local theater’s charity fundraiser, Daniel and Marienne meet. She finds Daniel charming and hilarious, not to mention sexy as hell. He thinks Marienne is adorable and amazing, from her off-the-charts cooking skills to her uncanny ability to complete his sentences. He finds himself thinking about her in ways he knows he shouldn’t, but he’s devoted to his wife and won’t do anything to jeopardize his friendship with Marienne.

When Marienne becomes pregnant she’s thrilled but worried, particularly when Frank withdraws even further. Daniel is fascinated, longing all the more to start a family of his own, but Justine is repulsed by the mention of anything baby-related. Their marriages disintegrate, but the bond between Daniel and Marienne grows stronger, as does the attraction they continue to deny.

Daniel and Marienne fill the voids in each other’s lives in ways their spouses never have. Their friendship helps them weather every new hardship---his divorce, her widowhood and single parenting---now they’re both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.

MEANT TO BE is a contemporary romance, complete at 106,000 words.
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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by Watcher55 » December 3rd, 2010, 12:31 pm

I'm the last person who needs to tell someone what a query should look like, so I'm not gonna, but looking through my teacher glasses I thought I could help you clean this up.
cheekychook wrote:Tweaked again. Comments? Anyone? Bueller?

Dear Agent,

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner marries Justine he can’t believe his luck---she’s beautiful and brilliant, the kind of woman most men dream of having. Four years later he finds himself agreeing to move to New Jersey for Justine’s career, which leaves him with a two-hour commute and no closer to starting the family he’s always wanted.

Graphic designer Marienne Valeti has felt less significant with each passing day of her marriage to Frank---the romantic man who wooed her vanished on their wedding night, leaving her married to feels less significant every day. Frank, the romantic who wooed her, dropped the facade on their wedding night. Now she's married to a stranger whose only interests seem to be his job and what’s for dinner.

While volunteering As volunteers at the local theater’s charity fundraiser, Daniel and Marienne meet. She finds Daniel charming, and hilarious, not to mention and sexy as hell. He thinks Marienne is adorable and amazing, from for her off-the-charts sublime (or some other less used adjective) cooking skills to and her uncanny ability to complete his sentences. He finds himself thinking about her in ways he knows he shouldn’t, but he’s devoted to his wife and won’t do anything to jeopardize his friendship with Marienne.

When Marienne becomes pregnant she’s thrilled but worried, particularly when Frank withdraws even further. Daniel is fascinated, longing all the more and his longing to start a family of his own,he obviously doesn't want to start someone else's family but Justine is repulsed by the mention of anything baby-related. Their marriages disintegrate, but the bond between Daniel and Marienne grows stronger, as does the attraction they continue to deny.

Daniel and Marienne fill the voids in each other’s lives in ways their spouses never have. Their friendship helps them weather every new hardship life's hardships---his divorce, her widowhood and single parenting the child left with one parent. --- nNow they’re both secretly wondering if it could their bond can survive a first kiss.

MEANT TO BE is a contemporary romance, complete at 106,000 words.
I'm a History teacher so I've forgotten all the English teacher words for tenses (past, past perfect, future indeterminate (is that a thing?)); but you might want to avoid switching between the "is" voice and the "-ing" voice ("While volunteering" "longing all the more").

Overall I think you have a good premise and you've created an interesting set of dynamics.

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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by cheekychook » December 4th, 2010, 12:47 am

Thanks Watcher55.
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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by HillaryJ » December 5th, 2010, 3:39 am

cheekychook wrote:
Dear Agent,

[Too much space was given to describing the decaying marriages before moving on to the heart of the matter. I recommend shortening the "telling" about how their relationships used to be good, and getting to the meat of the query sooner. Example following.]

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner married Justine, he couldn't believe his luck. But four years later, he's got a two-hour commute in support of Justine's career, and no sign of the family he's always wanted. Graphic designer Marienne Valeti's romantic suitor vanished the day she married him, replaced by a workaholic whose only interest in their home is what's for dinner.

Daniel and Marienne meet while volunteering at the local theater’s charity fundraiser. She finds Daniel charming and hilarious, not to mention sexy as hell. He thinks Marienne is adorable and amazing, from her off-the-charts cooking skills to her uncanny ability to complete his sentences. He finds himself thinking about her in ways he knows he shouldn’t, but he’s devoted to his wife and won’t do anything to jeopardize his friendship with Marienne.

When Marienne becomes pregnant she’s thrilled, but her husband reacts by withdrawing further from their home and from her. Daniel is fascinated, longing all the more to start a family of his own, but Justine is repulsed by the mention of anything baby-related. [The preceding sentence is awkward.] Their marriages disintegrate, but the bond between Daniel and Marienne grows stronger, as does the attraction they continue to deny.

Daniel and Marienne fill the voids in each other’s lives in ways their spouses never have. Their friendship helps them weather every new hardship---his divorce, her widowhood and single parenting---now they’re both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.

MEANT TO BE is a contemporary romance, complete at 106,000 words.
I recommend cutting down on the other spouses. Yes, they create conflict that drives Daniel and Marienne together, but they aren't the focus. And the "survive the first kiss" line is cute, but it seems a little childlike.

Are they afraid they'll ruin their friendship by getting together, after watching their own marriages dissolve? If so, I'd like to see that conflict, and I'd like to see them maintain some individuality in the last paragraph. They sound like a single entity, which is fine at the Happily Ever After Ending, not so good if you're trying to pique an agent's interest. This query feels complete, too complete IMHO. I feel as though I've read a small story, gotten to a satisfactory ending, and can now move on to something else. Show me what's keeping them apart other than a vague worry, and make me root for them to get together on the other side!

Good luck.
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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by cheekychook » December 5th, 2010, 11:55 am

HillaryJ wrote:
cheekychook wrote:
Dear Agent,

[Too much space was given to describing the decaying marriages before moving on to the heart of the matter. I recommend shortening the "telling" about how their relationships used to be good, and getting to the meat of the query sooner. Example following.]

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner married Justine, he couldn't believe his luck. But four years later, he's got a two-hour commute in support of Justine's career, and no sign of the family he's always wanted. Graphic designer Marienne Valeti's romantic suitor vanished the day she married him, replaced by a workaholic whose only interest in their home is what's for dinner.

Daniel and Marienne meet while volunteering at the local theater’s charity fundraiser. She finds Daniel charming and hilarious, not to mention sexy as hell. He thinks Marienne is adorable and amazing, from her off-the-charts cooking skills to her uncanny ability to complete his sentences. He finds himself thinking about her in ways he knows he shouldn’t, but he’s devoted to his wife and won’t do anything to jeopardize his friendship with Marienne.

When Marienne becomes pregnant she’s thrilled, but her husband reacts by withdrawing further from their home and from her. Daniel is fascinated, longing all the more to start a family of his own, but Justine is repulsed by the mention of anything baby-related. [The preceding sentence is awkward.] Their marriages disintegrate, but the bond between Daniel and Marienne grows stronger, as does the attraction they continue to deny.

Daniel and Marienne fill the voids in each other’s lives in ways their spouses never have. Their friendship helps them weather every new hardship---his divorce, her widowhood and single parenting---now they’re both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.

MEANT TO BE is a contemporary romance, complete at 106,000 words.
I recommend cutting down on the other spouses. Yes, they create conflict that drives Daniel and Marienne together, but they aren't the focus. And the "survive the first kiss" line is cute, but it seems a little childlike.

Are they afraid they'll ruin their friendship by getting together, after watching their own marriages dissolve? If so, I'd like to see that conflict, and I'd like to see them maintain some individuality in the last paragraph. They sound like a single entity, which is fine at the Happily Ever After Ending, not so good if you're trying to pique an agent's interest. This query feels complete, too complete IMHO. I feel as though I've read a small story, gotten to a satisfactory ending, and can now move on to something else. Show me what's keeping them apart other than a vague worry, and make me root for them to get together on the other side!

Good luck.
Thanks for the comments HillaryJ.

I have cut down on the description of the spouses in one of the previous queries and I have decided that was a mistake---that query generated less overall interest than the one that described all four characters, plus the first 2/3 of the book is about the two married couples. Yes, the failing marriages are part of what drives Marienne and Daniel together, but the spouses play very significant roles in the story.

I know the "survive a first kiss" line is cute, it's for the agents who are looking for a logline. I can see what you mean by childlike, but survive a first bang just didn't have quite as romantic a ring to it as I was going for. ;)

As opposed to my other queries, where I was calling the novel commercial fiction, this query is geared toward the single title romance category---as contemporary romance. That genre mandates the HEA ending, and given that the couple start out married to others I want there to be no doubt that there is a HEA after all of this, so that part is intentional. I also need to keep it clear that there is no adultery---they start to fall for each other while they're still married, but nothing happens until they're both available---that's actually a big taboo in the romance houses (adultery), so I need to keep that very clear.

It concerns me that it's not clear that sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship and that ruining a friendship that's become so important to them would be a huge risk. Not sure how to emphasize that more without telling, other than to change the line from "attraction they continue to deny" to "attraction they struggle to deny".
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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by maggie » December 5th, 2010, 1:37 pm

Hi! What strikes me about your two different versions is that, to me, they almost seem like different books. Obviously I haven't read your book so I'm not sure which is more like the story, but the shorter version that starts with the logline seems to me like a story of two friends, who are no longer married but who were when the friendship began, deciding whether to take the friendship to the next level. (And I really like the logline for this, btw. It tells a lot about the story in just a few words.). The longer, newer version seems, to me, like these two people are deciding whether or not to have an affair.

After reading both of them, I have a feeling it's some combination of both? That they're friends while they're married for part of the book, then are no longer married and the rest happens? So, if it were me, I think I'd try to concentrate on whichever part is more important to the story. In the longer version, there is much more about their marriages/spouses, as some other commenters have pointed out. It makes me even kind of feel sorry for Justine that he might be cheating on her, because in this query she doesn't sound so bad (though you've done a good job of making Marienne's husband seem like an a**) :)

Just my two cents--if the story is, in fact, more about Daniel and Marienne, I'd do much less about the spouses and more about them.

I think both versions are quite good as query letters, though, and do their job of making me interested in the story. To me, it's just about which content you want to focus on.

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Re: Meant To Be---another new version

Post by cheekychook » December 5th, 2010, 2:05 pm

maggie wrote:Hi! What strikes me about your two different versions is that, to me, they almost seem like different books. Obviously I haven't read your book so I'm not sure which is more like the story, but the shorter version that starts with the logline seems to me like a story of two friends, who are no longer married but who were when the friendship began, deciding whether to take the friendship to the next level. (And I really like the logline for this, btw. It tells a lot about the story in just a few words.). The longer, newer version seems, to me, like these two people are deciding whether or not to have an affair.

After reading both of them, I have a feeling it's some combination of both? That they're friends while they're married for part of the book, then are no longer married and the rest happens? So, if it were me, I think I'd try to concentrate on whichever part is more important to the story. In the longer version, there is much more about their marriages/spouses, as some other commenters have pointed out. It makes me even kind of feel sorry for Justine that he might be cheating on her, because in this query she doesn't sound so bad (though you've done a good job of making Marienne's husband seem like an a**) :)

Just my two cents--if the story is, in fact, more about Daniel and Marienne, I'd do much less about the spouses and more about them.

I think both versions are quite good as query letters, though, and do their job of making me interested in the story. To me, it's just about which content you want to focus on.
Thanks Maggie.

They are not deciding whether or not to have an affair---yes they are married when they meet and become friends, but they don't even consider taking their relationship to the next level until well after they are both single and available---and their attraction to one another is not what causes the downfall of the marriages---the marriages were not right for either of them.

I guess I need to work on making Justine seem bitchier (in the query---she's plenty bitchy in the book), because no one should feel sorry for her---they should feel sorry for Daniel---and he at no point cheats on her. It's good that Marienne's husband is coming across clearly as an a** because he is (and he is the only one of the four of them who does have an affair, though she doesn't find out about it until after he dies).

The query that starts with the logline has done okay, but it didn't get as many requests as my original query (the first one on this thread), which generated multiple requests. That query (the longer first one that generated requests) is longer than a lot of agents like, but the content of it seemed to be sparking interest. With this most recent version I was trying to take a new approach to combine the long query (that mentions the spouses and explains the plot line) and the logline version (which is super-short and more blurb-ish, and leaves out the details) and get one hybrid version that would be shorter but hopefully more enticing. I get the feeling it's not working. Good thing I don't plan on sending any more queries for the next few months.

I don't know how much clearer I can be about the fact that my characters don't cheat on their spouses. I'm beginning to think that the nature of the topic itself makes people bring their own issues/views/experiences concerning male/female relationships into the interpretation of the query. Not sure what to do about that.
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