Around the Source (Fantasy) - Attempt #3

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
tchann
Posts: 18
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 12:45 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Contact:

Around the Source (Fantasy) - Attempt #3

Post by tchann » July 28th, 2010, 10:58 am

Once upon a time, a divisive war rocked the two kingdoms of Lokhaven and Kellynnia. The elderly Kellynnian Royal Seer gave one final prophecy - that the daughter born to the Queen of Kellynnia would be the most powerful sorceress ever seen. The kingdom rallied behind the birth of the princess and forced out the invading Lokhaven army, and life became peaceful once again.

Twenty years later, it's up to retail employee Charley Kuten to tie up the loose ends.

On her way to work one morning, Charley is involuntarily and magically yanked into the fantastical political mess. While stuck in the strange land of Kellynnia she meets Rian, a painfully naive farmer, and Tiremenya, the prophesied princess herself. Together the three head out to find Rian's father, discover the truth behind Tiremenya's birth, stop a war in the making and maybe - just maybe - get Charley back home again.

AROUND THE SOURCE is a 102,000-word fantasy novel.

I have been writing since someone was foolish enough to give me a pencil and paper, and don't plan on stopping anytime soon. While this is my first foray into long-form prose, you can see many of my previous works at [MY WEBSITE].

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Attempt #2
Attempt #3
Last edited by tchann on August 23rd, 2010, 5:14 pm, edited 4 times in total.

User avatar
Quill
Posts: 1059
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 9:20 pm
Location: Arizona
Contact:

Re: Around the Source [Fantasy]

Post by Quill » July 28th, 2010, 11:50 am

tchann wrote:Once upon a time, a divisive war rocked the two kingdoms of Lokhaven and Kellynnia.
A bit odd making "a divisive war" the first character we meet: Once upon a time a war rocked...

Is it really a divisive war if between two countries (kingdoms)? I think of divisive as a civil war, between factions of a single country. Divided.
The elderly Kellynnian Royal Seer
Too many qualifiers till we get to "Seer". How about "The elderly Seer of the Kellynnian Royal Court, or some such?
gave one final prophecy - that the daughter born to the Queen of Kellynnia would be the most powerful sorceress ever seen. The kingdom rallied behind the birth of the princess and forced out the invading Lokhaven army, and life became peaceful once again.
Okay, since the main point seems to be the prophecy and the birth, why do we need to know about the war at all in this query?
Twenty years later, it's up to retail employee Charley Kuten to tie up the loose ends.
"Retail employee" seems oddly vague. Could you say "shoe saleswoman" or whatever she is? This would let us know she's a woman, as well. The name "Charley" throws us off, too, when we find out in the next sentence she's a woman, so it might be good to clue us ahead anyway.
On her way to work one morning, Charley is involuntarily and magically yanked into the fantastical political mess.
Omit "involuntarily" as redundant to "yanked".

What "fantastical political mess"? Last we knew, the kingdoms were at peace.
While stuck in the strange land of Kellynnia she meets Rian, a painfully naive farmer, and Tiremenya, the prophesied princess herself. Together the three head out to find Rian's father, discover the truth behind Tiremenya's birth, stop a war in the making and maybe - just maybe - get Charley back home again.
Who's the main character? Or are there two? Consider making one more prominent and moving that part of the storyline up in the query, to establish the viewpoint and emphasis of the book more clearly.

adamg73
Posts: 34
Joined: July 27th, 2010, 7:22 pm
Location: Corvallis, OR
Contact:

Re: Around the Source [Fantasy]

Post by adamg73 » July 28th, 2010, 12:25 pm

I"m sorry but if I was an agent reading this, I'm not sure I could get any further than "Once upon a time,". I get the feeling that you're being cheeky and not cliche but it still doesn't work for me. Also, I would cut down your bio at the end of the letter to a simple mention of your website. I know the rest of it is intended to convey some of your personality but I think that all it does is highlight that you've never written anything like this before. Most of the rest of the letter I like. It sounds like your story would be a fun read.

User avatar
bookwatcher
Posts: 24
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 4:19 pm
Contact:

Re: Around the Source [Fantasy]

Post by bookwatcher » July 28th, 2010, 1:05 pm

I'm going to give the same advice that was given to me when I first started trying figure out what a query was. And that is hook it. Where I think the story itself sounds interesting, I didn't feel like I HAD to read right now. Instead it felt a little la-tee-da. I think that comes from the "Once upon a time" line. When an agent reads it, you want them hooked right from the start so they'll read the whole thing. I agree with adamg73, it was hard to get past the first four words.
Good luck!

Meredith
Posts: 85
Joined: June 9th, 2010, 3:55 pm
Contact:

Re: Around the Source [Fantasy]

Post by Meredith » July 28th, 2010, 3:37 pm

tchann wrote:Once upon a time, a divisive war rocked the two kingdoms of Lokhaven and Kellynnia. The elderly Kellynnian Royal Seer gave one final prophecy - that the daughter born to the Queen of Kellynnia would be the most powerful sorceress ever seen. The kingdom rallied behind the birth of the princess and forced out the invading Lokhaven army, and life became peaceful once again.
IMO, omit all of this. What you need of the backstory can be worked in beolw.

Twenty years later, it's up to retail employee Charley Kuten to tie up the loose ends.Start with your main character, which I'm going to assume is Charley. Give us a little something about her so we can identify. "Retail emloyee" isn't quite enough.

On her way to work one morning, Charley is involuntarily and magically yanked into the fantastical political mess. Here's where your story starts. While stuck in the strange land of Kellynnia she meets Rian, a painfully naive farmer, and Tiremenya, the prophesied princess herself. Okay. but what's the conflict? What choice does Charley have to make? What are the consequences? Together the three head out to find Rian's father, discover the truth behind Tiremenya's birth, stop a war in the making and maybe - just maybe - get Charley back home again. Right now, I've got no idea what Rian's father or the princess' birth have to do with either stopping a war or getting Charley home. Why do they have to do those things?

AROUND THE SOURCE is a 102,000-word fantasy novel.

I have been writing since someone was foolish enough to give me a pencil and paper, and don't plan on stopping anytime soon. While this is my first foray into long-form prose, you can see many of my previous works at [MY WEBSITE]. Cut this paragraph entirely. Put your website in the signature block (Yes, I've been converted.)

Thank you for your time and consideration!
MeredithMansfield.WordPress.com

User avatar
Quill
Posts: 1059
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 9:20 pm
Location: Arizona
Contact:

Re: Around the Source [Fantasy]

Post by Quill » July 28th, 2010, 4:09 pm

Good critique, Meredith.

Mine was hurried. After I started I realized I was short of time for the deeper issues, but you've said it.

tchann
Posts: 18
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 12:45 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Contact:

Re: Around the Source [Fantasy]

Post by tchann » July 29th, 2010, 1:51 pm

Thank you, everyone, for your very honest critique. I knew I was throwing myself to the wolves here, and I don't think I was fully prepared. -_-;; But I've tried to take everything into consideration for this second attempt - I'm beginning to feel like my story has too much to it, because cramming it into a few paragraphs is confusingly difficult. I can't help but think that leaving out any one of the three big characters would be deceptive. Still, here's version 2.0:

-----

Despite being adopted, Charley Kuten still ended up with her grandfather's given name. Even moving across the country to become an electronics retail slave wasn't enough to get out from under her mother's overprotective thumb. Every day is exactly the same...until a nice old man teleports her to a world of magic, prophecy, and an entire kingdom out for revenge.

Charley ends up in the unfamiliar land of Kellynnia, trying to deliver the old man's message while hunting for a way back home. She discovers she's been dragged into a terrible political mess that goes back two decades, involving a naive farmer and a prophesied princess. The unassuming farmer, Rian, is searching for his missing father, who just happens the last mage in Kellynnia who could possibly get Charley home again.

When the princess Tiremenya accidentally intercepts Charley's message, the three set off together on a journey to find Rian's father, discover the truth behind Tiremenya's birth, stop a war in the making and maybe - just maybe - get Charley back home again.

AROUND THE SOURCE is a 102,000-word fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

tchann
Posts: 18
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 12:45 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Contact:

Re: Around the Source - NEW [Fantasy]

Post by tchann » August 2nd, 2010, 10:47 am

My apologies if this is out of line, but I didn't see anything about it in the guidelines post, so I'm bumping this post. I swear I'll only do it this once.

Emily J
Posts: 250
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 2:20 pm
Contact:

Re: Around the Source [Fantasy]

Post by Emily J » August 2nd, 2010, 11:49 am

tchann wrote:Thank you, everyone, for your very honest critique. I knew I was throwing myself to the wolves here, and I don't think I was fully prepared. -_-;; But I've tried to take everything into consideration for this second attempt - I'm beginning to feel like my story has too much to it, because cramming it into a few paragraphs is confusingly difficult. I can't help but think that leaving out any one of the three big characters would be deceptive. Still, here's version 2.0:

-----

Despite being adopted, Charley Kuten still ended up with her grandfather's given name. Even moving across the country to become an electronics retail slave wasn't enough to get out from under her mother's overprotective thumb. this sentence does not logically follow the first, this is the first we have heard of Charley's mother or her thumb, btw under mother's thumb is a cliche Every day is exactly the same...until a nice old man teleports her to a world of magic, prophecy, and an entire kingdom out for revenge. <-- and this is where your story actually starts, not sure what the first two sentences have to do with the overall story

Charley ends up in the unfamiliar land of Kellynnia, trying to deliver the old man's message what is his message? who is the old man? while hunting for a way back home. She discovers she's been dragged into a terrible political mess that goes back two decades, involving a naive farmer and a prophesied prophesied? odd adjective, not sure quite what that means princess. The unassuming farmer, Rian, is searching for his missing father, who just happens i think you are missing "to be" the last mage in Kellynnia who could possibly get Charley home again.

When the princess Tiremenya accidentally intercepts Charley's message, but what is the message? the three set off together on a journey to find Rian's father, discover the truth behind Tiremenya's birth, stop a war in the making and maybe - just maybe - get Charley back home again.

AROUND THE SOURCE is a 102,000-word fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration!
I understand that Charley is sent to a magical world and needs to find a way home (not quite the first time that's been done in fantasy I must say) but I am a bit fuzzy on the farmer and the princess angle. The farmer especially does not seem to add much to the query. Perhaps focus on finding a mage to send her back and stopping a war? (the war part I am also a bit fuzzy on). And I guess my underlining questions would be who is the old man? WHY was Charley sent into Kellynnia (is the fact that she is adopted important?) and how can she stop a war in a foreign land?

User avatar
Quill
Posts: 1059
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 9:20 pm
Location: Arizona
Contact:

Re: Around the Source [Fantasy]

Post by Quill » August 2nd, 2010, 11:59 am

tchann wrote:
Despite being adopted, Charley Kuten still ended up with her grandfather's given name.
The adoption and name seemingly have nothing to do with the main storyline. As written, omit.
Even moving across the country to become an electronics retail slave wasn't enough to get out from under her mother's overprotective thumb.
The move, the job, and the mother seemingly also have nothing to do with the main storyline. As written, omit.
Every day is exactly the same...until
I don't believe this. How can days be exactly the same? Impossible.
a nice old man teleports her to a world of magic, prophecy, and an entire kingdom
Start here. Explain what you mean by "nice old man."
out for revenge.
Awkward, personifying a kingdom. And cliche, out for revenge.
Charley ends up in the unfamiliar land of Kellynnia,
Sounds like you are saying she ends up where you already told her she is (was teleported to).
trying to deliver the old man's message
Why would she do this? Why does she care?
while hunting for a way back home.
Hunting seems an odd word for her and for this. A retail slave hunter.

I'd say "searching" might be better, but I see you've used that below, for the farmer.
She discovers she's been dragged
Been dragged? When? By whom? So far she's been teleported to, and now dragged into? Best explain a bit.
into a terrible political mess that goes back two decades,
Omit "terrible" as redundant to "mess". Omit "that goes back two decades" as unneeded backstory.
involving a naive farmer and a prophesied princess. The unassuming farmer, Rian, is searching for his missing father, who just happens the last mage in Kellynnia who could possibly get Charley home again.
Omit "unassuming" as redundant to "naive".
When the princess Tiremenya accidentally intercepts Charley's message,
"Accidentally" seems awkward for the action; how about "happens to incercept"?

What message? Oh, the old man's message. Make this clearer at the outset and here, if this message is key to something.
the three set off together on a journey to find Rian's father,
Omit "together" as redundant to "the three set off". Omit "on a journey" as redundant to "set off to find..."
discover the truth behind Tiremenya's birth, stop a war in the making and maybe - just maybe - get Charley back home again.

AROUND THE SOURCE is a 102,000-word fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration!
Good.

I think the both Charley's personality and the plot line need to be fleshed out a bit, to bring up the tension, and to make us care. Who is this person? How does she get into this mess? What will she need to rely upon to get her out? The central character, the central conflict. Good luck.

tchann
Posts: 18
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 12:45 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Contact:

Re: Around the Source - NEW [Fantasy]

Post by tchann » August 23rd, 2010, 4:44 pm

Attempt #3. Every time I try to edit my query, I just end up rewriting it. Maybe one of these times I'll get it right?

--

It's not like Charley Kuten likes her boring retail job, but she could certainly use the extra money her potential promotion is offering. But before she can decide on whether or not to accept, a familiar old man yanks her into a strange fantasy world and gives her only a sealed missive to point the way home.

Confusion gets pushed aside to make way for practicality, and Charley starts to tag along on other people's quests so that she can get the old man's letter delivered. But when the stubborn Kellynnian princess stumbles upon the message, Charley is pulled into a decades-long political mess that only the truth can untangle.

With a war brewing at the border, Charley ends up on a dangerous journey into enemy territory - not just to satisfy the distressed princess, but to find the missing wizard who may be the only person who can get her back home.

AROUND THE SOURCE is a 103,000-word fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration!

thewhipslip
Posts: 179
Joined: July 15th, 2010, 2:18 pm
Contact:

Re: Around the Source - NEW [Fantasy]

Post by thewhipslip » August 23rd, 2010, 10:28 pm

tchann wrote: --

It's not like Charley Kuten likes her boring retail job, but she could certainly use the extra money her potential promotion is offering You're starting out with a lot negativity here. Your first sentence reads like: Well, my main character doesn't really like her job but she's broke and she might be getting a promotion and maybe she'll take it even if she doesn't like her job. Give me something about Charley that's certain. That'll make me want to read more about her.. But before she can decide on whether or not to accept, a familiar old man yanks her into a strange fantasy world and gives her only a sealed missive to point the way home. I'm left with the question: why? And you've got to tell us, or else this sentence is a big bouncy ball full of random. Queries are always better when the sentences are direct. You're here to give an agent information.

Confusion gets pushed aside to make way for practicality This start doesn't make sense to me., and Charley starts to tag along on other people's quests so that she can get the old man's letter delivered Okay, so she's delivering a letter...I'm starting to feel the drive of the story here, but not quite. Again, be direct. What does Charley have to do and why?. But when the stubborn Kellynnian princess stumbles upon the message, Charley is pulled into a decades-long political mess that only the truth can untangle What's in the message and why is it important? You're leaving me out of the loop..

With a war brewing at the border, Charley ends up on a dangerous journey into enemy territory - not just to satisfy the distressed princess, but to find the missing wizard who may be the only person who can get her back home. Again, I'm left with why? Why is Charley there and why is she important? That's all crucial information. I think you're going for a cute feel to this, but it's leaving the query in Vague City. I would try a version that loses your "voice" entirely just so you can get a brief synopsis together, then work on livening the sentences after you've done that. Hope this helps!

AROUND THE SOURCE is a 103,000-word fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration!
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

User avatar
a3writer
Posts: 23
Joined: August 23rd, 2010, 5:12 am
Location: In the black
Contact:

Re: Around the Source (Fantasy) - Attempt #3

Post by a3writer » August 25th, 2010, 4:01 am

Despite being adopted, Charley Kuten still ended up with her grandfather's given name. Even moving across the country to become an electronics retail slave wasn't enough to get out from under her mother's overprotective thumb. Every day is exactly the same...until a This is backstory and prologue. Jump in with the story. nice old man teleports her to Kellynia, a world of magic, prophecy, and an entire kingdom out for revenge. cliche. maybe embroiled in war. Be more specific about this, and why it affects Charley.

Charley ends up in the unfamiliar land of Kellynnia, trying to deliver the old man's message while hunting for a way back home. She discovers she's been dragged into a terrible political mess that goes back two decades, involving a naive farmer and a prophesied princess. This just seems weird that a farmer and princess are having a big political fight. Also, be more specific and active. Show the political mess instead of tell usThe unassuming farmer, Rian, is searching for his missing father, who just happens the last mage in Kellynnia who could possibly get Charley home again. This just confuses me. I'm not sure where this came from. The farmer is in a political struggle with a princess and searching for his father, who happens to be the only person who can Charley home? Is Rian's farmer the same person who sent Charley to Kellynia in the first place? I think this needs to be reworked because I'm just not getting it.

When the princess Tiremenya accidentally intercepts Charley's message, the three set off together on a journey to find Rian's father, discover the truth behind Tiremenya's birth, stop a war in the making and maybe - just maybe - get Charley back home again. Wait, I thought she was fighting with Rian in the political mess.

AROUND THE SOURCE is a 102,000-word fantasy novel.

I'm not getting a clear sense of conflict here. What is Charley's choice? She just seems to follow along with this whole quest with no actions herself. That and I just don't know anything about her save that she worked retail. What is it about her that the reader should care about her?
Thank you for your time and consideration!

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests