Query - The Griffinborn

[Brendanjparedes]

The Chaos Lord’s war against the Ancients ended in betrayal and the relics of their dark reign scattered and hidden away to be forgotten by the world of men. Ten thousand years later one such relic entrusted to the keeping of the Griffin Lords has been stolen, awakening an ancient dread.

To honor their ancient pledge Rory Balenford, warrior, guardsman and one time thief, sets out to find those responsible and reclaim the dangerous relic of the past. He quickly finds himself forced to trust his life and mission to a notorious pirate waging a private war of revenge if he is to catch the culprits. The only question for him now is whether his deadly new ally will sell him and his friends out to settle his own score before they those he’s chasing can end the world by awaking the ancient evil once more. One way or the other, Rory means to settle the debt of the Griffinborn once and for all.

The Griffinborn is a 130,000 word epic fantasy set in a sprawling world in which a roguish young warrior must awaken to his own potential through the eyes of man who is everything he could be but believes he isn’t to save all he holds dear.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[Meredith]

The Chaos Lord’s war against the Ancients ended in betrayal and the relics of their dark reign scattered and hidden away to be forgotten by the world of men. Ten thousand years later one such relic entrusted to the keeping of the Griffin Lords has been stolen, awakening an ancient dread. I really think you should start with the main character. Put just what you absolutely need of this information later in the query.

To honor their ancient pledge Whose ancient pledge? You could simplify this by just saying an ancent pledge instead. Rory Balenford, warrior, guardsman and one time thief, sets out to find those responsible and reclaim the dangerous relic of the past. a dangerous relic of the past that has been stolen. By who? Who is the real enemy, here? What is it they intend to do? In other words, what are the stakes of the main story arc? He quickly finds himself forced to trust his life and mission to a notorious pirate waging a private war of revenge if he is to catch the culprits. The only question for him now Really? The only question? is whether his deadly new ally will sell him and his friends out to settle his own score before they extra word, here. those he’s chasing can end the world by awaking the ancient evil once more. Okay, those are the real stakes. The pirate's just a potential obstacle. It's still a good detail, but it's not really the main question. One way or the other, Rory means to settle the debt of the Griffinborn once and for all.

The Griffinborn is a 130,000 word epic fantasy set in a sprawling world in which a roguish young warrior must awaken to his own potential through the eyes of man who is everything he could be but believes he isn’t to save all he holds dear. That's quite a sentence. I'm not even sure what it means. Through whose eyes? Rory's own? Break this down into two or three sentences for clarity. And the title should be in all caps. (You know the wordcount is going to be a problem, right?)

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon. As a business letter, I like the ending indicating the desired action. But I've read agents (notably the Query Shark) argue agains this.

Hope this helps.

[AMSchilling]

I second Meredith's comments. I also think that you could use a few more commas to make the sentences easier to read (some are quite long and while they make sense, they're a mouthful). A few examples of where they might help:

The Chaos Lord’s war against the Ancients ended in betrayal, and <--remove the relics of their dark reign scattered and hidden away to be forgotten by the world of men.

and

The only question for him now is whether his deadly new ally will sell him and his friends out to settle his own score, before they those he’s chasing can end the world by awaking the ancient evil once more.

[Brendanjparedes]

Hmm... Really good comments. Thanks.

I guess the question here is how much should be implied, how much should tease, and yes, there are some very long sentences and it smacks its head on the upper boundary on the word count. Unfortunately, not much more I can shave out. Great comments though. Very useful. Thanks!

[adamg73]

The Chaos Lord’s war against the Ancients ended in betrayal, the relics of their dark reign scattered and hidden away to be forgotten by the world of men. Ten thousand years later one such relic, entrusted to the keeping of the Griffin Lords, has been stolen, awakening an ancient dread.

To honor their ancient pledge, Rory Balenford, warrior, guardsman, and one time thief, sets out to find those responsible and reclaim the dangerous relic of the past. Forced to partner with a notorius pirate with motives of his own, Rory must trust his deadly ally if he is to catch those he's after and save his world. One way or the other, Rory means to settle the debt of the Griffinborn once and for all.

The Griffinborn is a 130,000 word epic fantasy set in a sprawling world in which a roguish young warrior is faced with a partner who, while so very like him, is everything he's striving not to be. The two must work together if they are to save everything Rory holds dear.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I took a shot at re-crafting your letter. I think the whole query could do with a little (not a lot) more detail. Just flush it out a little bit and work on some of the remaining akward phrasing. Good start.

[Brendanjparedes]

I think it's that last half of the third paragraph after this is really a freaking long book that's killing this. The rest is tweakable. But, that part invokes universal hate.