The House of Mirrors - Query Update - A BIG Thanks

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bookwatcher
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Re: The House of Mirrors - Latest #4 on page 2

Post by bookwatcher » July 27th, 2010, 11:51 am

Twelve-year-old Sarah discovers that magic isn’t a load of guff when her little sister, Jane, vanishes right before her eyes. All that’s left is a set of glowing footprints that Sarah follows to a creepy mansion that certainly wasn’t there before. Sarah sneaks into the dusty house, scuffles with a thuggish teddy bear, and jumps into another world through a magic mirror.

That was the easy part.

Now she has to avoid the terrifying Hunters that are on her trail and their master, the Old God. He needs children’s souls to power his world and their bodies to shape into books. But Sarah has no intention of allowing some ancient monster to turn her into a paperback, so she sets out to beat the Old God, find Jane, and figure out a way to escape.

THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS is a 52,000-word contemporary fantasy adventure for nine-year-olds and up.

Hi Scribble. I read through all your posts and I think this story sounds so cute. In this version I have a couple of thoughts: "Now she has to avoid the terrifying Hunters that are on her trail and their master, the Old God" is a little confusing. You could cut "that are on her trail", or just reword the sentence so it doesn't sound like the Hunters are on their master.

I love the one liner, "That was the easy part" and also "thuggish teddy bear" and I miss "a little light reading", I thought it gave your query personality.

My only other thought was to add to what somewhat else already said. Change "for nine-year-olds and up" to middle grade.

Good luck!

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Scribble
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Re: The House of Mirrors - Latest #4 on page 2

Post by Scribble » July 27th, 2010, 12:03 pm

Cheers for the comment bookwatcher, I wrote '9 and up,' as opposed to middle grade because I'm in the UK and we don't have a Middle Grade section. It's more a 9-12 division in the bookstores (or just Children's Section in the library). If I query any US agents, I'll use absolutely use MG.

You're totally right about the hunters on their master - what a goof! I'm changing it to cut the 'on her trail' gubbins.

And you know what? I think I might put that 'little light reading' back, I kinda miss it, too.

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Re: The House of Mirrors - Latest #4 on page 2

Post by adamg73 » July 28th, 2010, 12:14 am

I found the second line of the first paragrah a little awkward. May I suggest:

All that’s left is a set of glowing footprints leading Sarah to a creepy mansion that seems to have appeared out of nowhere.

I love the thuggish teddy bear, it gives the query personality.

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Holly
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Re: The House of Mirrors - Latest #4 on page 2

Post by Holly » July 28th, 2010, 7:16 am

Hi, Scribble. The query is looking good. I still think you could put in a small bio. Don't you have a degree in English with honors? Plus you're a parent of two kids. If this was my query, I would mention those two things.

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Scribble
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Re: The House of Mirrors - Latest #4 on page 2

Post by Scribble » July 28th, 2010, 12:59 pm

Cheers guys,

Adamg73 - good suggestion, I'll put that in, when I read it like that it does sound better.

Hey, Holly - Wasn't sure if it was relevant to the story, but it wouldn't hurt to add it I s'pose. Though some might not believe me about the degree after reading my first drafts!

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Re: The House of Mirrors - Query Update - A BIG Thanks

Post by Scribble » December 18th, 2010, 5:47 am

See update on first page - big thanks to all for the query help! This forum is great.

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Re: The House of Mirrors - Query Update - A BIG Thanks

Post by J. T. SHEA » December 18th, 2010, 9:41 pm

Congratulations, Scribble! As for THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS, things could be worse. The Old God could turn the children into E-BOOKS!

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