DEMON STABBER - EXAN'S STORY

[GreenMachineThor]

NEW QUERY # 3!!!16-year old Exan dropped out of high school to pursue his dream of becoming… a human. Exan never knew of his mother nor did he know of his father who was a so called daemon. That’s a bit of an issue because Exan is born to hunt demons.

All Exan wants is to be normal; be it emo, geek, punk or jock, simply normal. With his dramatic nature Exan manages to blend in until he meets Nyssa. Exan starts to date Nyssa hoping that someday they would get married and settle in like a normal couple. Until the day Exan kisses Nyssa. When a demon’s lips lock with a hunters evil is unleashed. Death is free to roam the planet until one of the pair is brought to death; the demon. Exan cannot hold back his instincts of killing Nyssa and the love in his heart for her puts him on the fence. To make it worse Exan’s father wants him back and he wants to turn him into a demon. Being normal proves far too difficult for Exan now that he has to fight for the mortals and what he cares for.

Demon Stabber is a 65,000 YA Fantasy novel. Manuscript is available upon your request.

[thewhipslip]

Dear Agent,

16-year old Exan dropped out of high school to pursue his dream of becoming… a human.The ellipsis seems passive to me. Give us a kick - not a slow tickle. Perhaps something like: 16-year-old Exan doesn't have time for high school anymore. Becoming a human is a full-time job. (or something like that) Exan never knew of his mother nor did he know of his father who was a so called daemon The tone seems very "high-brow" here, as well as wordy. "so-called" daemon doesn't work for me. Be direct: Exan never knew his mother. All he knows of his father is that he's a daemon.. That’s a bit of an issue because Exan is born to hunt demons. I don't understand this exactly. He's half-daemon, but he was born to hunt daemons? I think we need an explanation of his upbringing here to clarify.

All Exan wants is to be normal; be it emo, geek, punk or jock, simply normal I think Exan's desire to be normal is enough without going into examples. I would cut the last half of this sentence.. With his dramatic nature Exan manages to blend in until he meets Nyssa How does his "dramatic" nature help him blend in? He's a good actor?. Exan starts to date Nyssa hoping that someday they would get married and settle in like a normal couple So he's sixteen and thinking about marriage - and she's how old?. Until the day Exan kisses Nyssa. When a demon’s lips lock with a hunters evil is unleashed So Nyssa's a hunter? Be specific.. Death is free to roam the planet until one of the pair is brought to death; the demon Are we talking Death as in Grim Reaper guy with a scythe, or figurative? That semi-colon should be a regular colon.. Exan cannot hold back his instincts of killing Nyssa and the love in his heart for her puts him on the fence. To make it worse Exan’s father wants him back and he wants to turn him into a demon.So he's not a daemon at all? Not even by half? That needs to be explained. If he's trying to be human...what exactly is he if not a daemon? Being normal proves far too difficult for Exan now that he has to fight for the mortals and what he cares for.

Demon Stabber is a 65,000 YA Fantasy novel. Manuscript is available upon your request.

Good start here.



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[GreenMachineThor]

Wow, WhipSlip! Thanks! It was nerveing to first post my first query but hey, it didn't go as bad as I thought it would :) Here is a new version...When my book gets published I will mention you in the cover!

Dear Agent,

16-year-old Exan doesn't have time for high school anymore. Becoming a human is a full-time job. Exan never knew his mother. All he knows of his father is that he's a daemon. That’s a bit of an issue because Exan was raised by a daemon hunter who fuelled his instinct for spotting and slaying daemons, despite the fact that he is a deamon himself.

All Exan wants is to be normal. With his natural acting skills Exan manages to blend in until he meets Nyssa. Exan starts to date Nyssa hoping that nothing would go wrong. Until the day Exan kisses Nyssa and discovers she is a hunter. When a demon’s lips lock with a hunters evil is unleashed. Death is free to roam the planet until one of the pair is brought to death; the hunter. Exan cannot hold back his instincts of killing Nyssa and the love in his heart for her puts him on the fence. To make it worse Exan’s father wants him back and he wants to turn him into a world dominating deamon. Being normal proves far too difficult for Exan now that he has to fight for the mortals and what he cares for.

Demon Stabber is a 65,000 YA Fantasy novel. Manuscript is available upon your request.

Thor Deluxe

[Emily J]

Wow, WhipSlip! Thanks! It was nerveing to first post my first query but hey, it didn't go as bad as I thought it would :) Here is a new version...When my book gets published I will mention you in the cover!

Dear Agent,

16-year-old Sixteen-year-old Exan doesn't have time for high school anymore. Becoming a human is a full-time job. this statement is odd since we have yet to be introduced to anything non-human Exan never knew his mother. All he knows of his father is that he's a daemon. these sentences could be tied together a bit better, feels like staccato non-sequitor right now That’s a bit of an issue weak phrase, bit of an issue because Exan was raised by a daemon hunter who fuelled his instinct for spotting and slaying daemons, despite the fact that he is a deamon daemon correct? be consistent with spelling himself. this is a bit unclear, assuming Exan is the daemon but it could be inferred that the hunter is a daemon

All Exan wants is to be normal. With his natural acting skills comma Exan manages to blend in until he meets Nyssa. then... he doesn't blend in? Exan starts to date Nyssa hoping that nothing would go wrong. Until the day Exan kisses Nyssa and discovers she is a hunter. this feels like a sentence fragment When a demon’s okay this is the third spelling of demon i have seen lips lock with a hunters hunter's comma evil is unleashed. evil is kind of vague, what sort of evil? Death is free to roam the planet until one of the pair is brought to death; the hunter. wait, what? so death roams the planet until the hunter dies, thats what happens when daemons make out with hunters? harsh Exan cannot hold back his instincts of killing Nyssa he might have instincts but i doubt he has kill Nyssa instincts, not really how that works and the love in his heart for her puts him on the fence. puts him on the fence is a cliche To make it worse comma Exan’s father wants him back and he wants to turn him into a world dominating world-dominating deamon. is it daemon or deamon? confusedBeing normal proves far too difficult for Exan now that he has to fight for the mortals mortals? who else aside from Nyssa? and what he cares for. ending the paragraph in a preposition is not a good idea

Demon Stabber generally the format is to put the title in all caps is a 65,000 YA Fantasy don't capitalize genre novel. Manuscript is available upon your request.

Thor Deluxe

I think you need to edit this carefully for spelling and grammatical mistakes. To query with anything less than a technically perfect letter would be doing yourself a disservice.
Best of luck-

[adamg73]

16-year-old Exan doesn't have time for high school anymore. Becoming a human is a full-time job. Exan never knew his mother and all he knows of his father is that he's a daemon. That’s going to be an issue. Raised and trained by a daemon hunter, he's dedicated his life to finding and slaying daemons, despite his own daemonic lineage.

All Exan wants is to be normal. With his natural acting skill Exan manages to blend in until he meets Nyssa. Exan starts to date Nyssa hoping that nothing would go wrong. Until the day Exan kisses Nyssa and discovers she is a hunter. When a demon’s lips lock with a hunters evil is unleashed. Death is free to roam the planet until one of the pair is brought to death; the hunter. Exan cannot hold back his instincts of killing Nyssa and the love in his heart for her puts him on the fence. To make it worse Exan’s father wants him back and he wants to turn him into a world dominating deamon. Being normal proves far too difficult for Exan now that he has to fight for the mortals and what he cares for.

Acting skills only let you blend in with the drama-club folks, believe me. If you're saying that he's acting like a regular teenager in order to blend in, I would just take out the reference to acting skills completely and go with "Exan manages to blend in...". I didn't make as many suggestions on the second paragraph because I feel it needs a bit of work. The content is there but the flow isn't. Sounds like a pretty cool story!