New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

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Penang
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New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

Post by Penang » July 22nd, 2010, 12:25 pm

I entirely scrapped the other versions simply because I felt I was getting stuck on using specific phrases and words that my mind would just not let me cut. Here I'm really debating about opening with the town. I feel it's a stronger sentence and sets up why the protagonist is important and the conflict but I've heard it's better to start with the Main character. Any and all suggestions/thoughts/advice are greatly appreciated.
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The town of Everett, Montana has been waiting. A prophecy made years ago tells of The One that will bring an end to the infection that causes them to shape shift. For those that want a normal life it’s a welcome event, but for the few that crave the power of their shape shifting ability it’s something they will do anything to prevent.

Seventeen year-old Janie Carter lives in a harsh reality; one where her father abandoned her to an abusive mother. Moving to her parents’ hometown of Everett with her stepfather and stepbrother should be daunting, but for some reason feels like a fresh start, especially when handsome Marcus Moreno takes an interest in her. Janie begins to think maybe there is a sweet side to life. But her trust in Marcus is tested when she is exposed as The One they’ve all been waiting for, and a confrontation with the father who left her reveals a family history wrapped in ancient shape shifting legends. In order to survive and prevent the death of everyone she loves, Janie must confront the most feared Shifter, her mother, who is determined to destroy Janie and prevent her from fulfilling her role in the prophecy.

THE EVOLUTION OF JANIE, a YA paranormal romance, is complete at 73,000 words. This is a stand alone novel, the first in a planned trilogy. I am currently working on the first draft of the second book.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

**********

Thanks! :) Ang

atdeluca
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Re: New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

Post by atdeluca » July 22nd, 2010, 12:46 pm

The town of Everett, Montana has been waiting. Towns can wait? Or are the people of Everett, Montana waiting? A prophecy made years ago tells of The One sounds like Neo from the Matrix that will bring an end to the infection that causes them to shape shift. For those that want a normal life it’s a welcome event can't the normal people... I don't know, just not shape shift if they dont want to?, but for the few that crave the power of their shape shifting ability it’s something they will do anything to prevent.

Seventeen year-old Janie Carter lives in a harsh reality; one where her father abandoned her to an abusive mother. This disconnected description doesn't build suspense, just confusion. Moving to her parents’ hometown of Everett with her stepfather and stepbrother should be daunting, but for some reason feels like a fresh start, especially whenhandsome Marcus Moreno no names, just main character names, say "the town quarterback, ladies man, stud" or whatever he is takes an interest in her. Janie begins to think maybe there is a sweet side to life. Does she literally not enjoy anything else about life? Just above you said she felt she had a fresh start, that's sweet as well, no? But her trust in Marcus is tested when she is exposed as The One they’ve all been waiting for, and a confrontation with the father who left her reveals a family history wrapped in ancient shape shifting legends. In order to survive and prevent the death of everyone she loves, why are they going to die? Janie must confront the most feared Shifter, her mother, who is determined to destroy Janie and prevent her from fulfilling her role in the prophecy.

THE EVOLUTION OF JANIE, a YA paranormal romance, is complete at 73,000 words. This is a stand alone novel, the first in a planned trilogy. I am currently working on the first draft of the second book.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Find a different way to say this. This is the most used version.


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bookwatcher
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Re: New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

Post by bookwatcher » July 22nd, 2010, 2:05 pm

I'm really new at this, but I'm going to give it a shot. These are the opinions of someone who hopes to have a successful query someday. Here goes:

The town of Everett, Montana has been waiting. A prophecy made years ago tells of The One that will bring an end to the infection that causes them to shape shift. For those that want a normal life it’s a welcome event, but for the few that crave the power of their shape shifting ability it’s something they will do anything to prevent.The term shape-shifting sounds too vague. Can they change into anything at any time, or is it like were-wolves where it's only a certain time (full moon)? Presenting the town first to set up Janie's arrival sounds good to me.

Seventeen year-old Janie Carter lives in a harsh reality; one where her father abandoned her to an abusive mother.

Since it's a new thought, it should be a new paragraph. Moving to her parents’ hometown of Everett with her stepfather and stepbrother should be daunting, but for some reason Instead of using for some reason, which sounds wishy-washy, I'd cut it. feels like a fresh start, especially when handsome Marcus Moreno takes an interest in her. Janie begins to think maybe there is a sweet side to life. But her trust in Marcus is tested when she is exposed as The One they’ve all been waiting for, and a confrontation with the father who left her reveals a family history wrapped in ancient shape shifting legends. In order to survive and prevent the death explain, why death? of everyone she loves, Janie must confront the most feared Shifter, her mother, who is determined to destroy Janie and prevent her from fulfilling her role in the prophecy.

THE EVOLUTION OF JANIE, a YA paranormal romance, is complete at 73,000 words. This is a stand alone novel, the first in a planned trilogy. I am currently working on the first draft of the second book.

Penang
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Re: New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

Post by Penang » July 23rd, 2010, 12:08 am

Thanks for the suggestions! I'm going to do some more tinkering with it. :) Ang

EllieAnn
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Re: New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

Post by EllieAnn » September 15th, 2010, 9:13 am

Ang-
Just as usual with writers-I'm going to have to disagree with bookwatcher's comments. :-) I believe shape shifting is a detailed enough word and you shouldn't explain it any further (that is what synopsis' are for).
And I think that "one where her father abandoned her to an abusive mother" is a perfect line as is.
Your story sounds interesting and creative! There is so much tension and angst in it, I already feel for your protag! Well done!
And if I were you, I'd drop the line about working on the first draft of the second book. That's something you can share as the agent's interest level rises.
Good luck!!
-Ellie Ann

thewhipslip
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Re: New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

Post by thewhipslip » September 16th, 2010, 1:51 pm

I agree with EllieAnn. Query reads well besides that last sentence.
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

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