Don't come to the House Tonight - edited

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Joined: June 20th, 2010, 6:03 am

Re: Don't come to the House Tonight - edited

Post by clara_w » August 27th, 2010, 5:18 am

I like this new version!

Janie Lloyd was having a bad day; the hot, humid heat had given her a migraine and she was so bored with life that even tormenting the office junior had lost its fun. On top of this, her mother called to tell her a body had been dug up near Janie’s childhood home; the body of someone Janie killed and buried seventeen years ago. This is a good start BUT I thing you might be loosing good querying space with uneeded descriptions. I'm not saying this might not work, its interesting the way it is, but you could be making it more efficient if you, for example, talked about Janie and Candice in the same paragraph, saying they are school friends and then exploring the plot and their psicological 'features'

Candice has been avoiding her past for the last seventeen years. She may have helped bury the body, but unlike Janie she is overwhelmed by grief and guilt. She still wants to avoid prison though so she meets up with Janie, her childhood best friend and partner in murder, to try and stay one step ahead of the police as they get closer and closer to uncovering the truth.Very good!

Candice is nice and mostly innocent. Janie is evil and dishonest. I agree with other people said, this is a lot of telling.One of them will eventually be arrested for the murder and Janie is going to do everything she can to make sure it is not her.

I like this query on the overall, Good luck!!

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