Re: Query help
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 4:59 pm
Ok, I am not an expert – just a teacher. As I always tell my students – it looks worse than it is – read what I said. I am just looking at it with the most critical eye to better help you. The more help we can give each other, the better, right? I really hope this helps you. If not, disregard my comments. Best of luck to you!
-Haley
Roatians were a tribe of people that were mistakenly persecuted as witches in the early seventeenth century Hook is weak – really get my attention. This is such a cool topic, you should really be able to nail it.. Namara is the sole survivor of the tribe, and is now nearly four hundred years old – immortality being just one of her Roatian This is the cool, interesting part. abilities. She has been successfully living a normal life when an attempted school shooting forces her to reveal her true self. Sawyer, a classmate and shape-shifter, approaches her and offers for her to come live with him and his “family” of supernaturals.Might need to be more specific – supernaturals seems to vague and generic. IF this is what they are called, capitalize it. If it is not, change it. Namara accepts this seems almost too final , and is doing well with adjusting to life with others instead of among them when a betrayal within the family causes her to panic and return to her former lifestyle - leaving her friendships and romance with Sawyer behind. This needs a little clarificaltion – rework this sentence
EASIER TO RUN is a 72,000-word work that includes elements of I think there is a better way to say this – maybe divide it by / rather than say elements of – check references to see the best way to do this fantasy, romance, and action to tell the story of one woman's journey a little cliché’ – take out “one womans” and leave it at journey to the realization that leaving your past behind means nothing when you can't leave behind your past self. - I really like this line The novel has the potential for a sequel that I am currently working on. Again there is a more formal way to propose it as a sequel – check references.
I have the full manuscript completed if you would like to see it. This line is weak – take a look at some other queries ending lines. Thank you for your time in reading my submission. I would stick to thanking them for their time OR reading the submission, not both – sounds too passive
-Haley
Roatians were a tribe of people that were mistakenly persecuted as witches in the early seventeenth century Hook is weak – really get my attention. This is such a cool topic, you should really be able to nail it.. Namara is the sole survivor of the tribe, and is now nearly four hundred years old – immortality being just one of her Roatian This is the cool, interesting part. abilities. She has been successfully living a normal life when an attempted school shooting forces her to reveal her true self. Sawyer, a classmate and shape-shifter, approaches her and offers for her to come live with him and his “family” of supernaturals.Might need to be more specific – supernaturals seems to vague and generic. IF this is what they are called, capitalize it. If it is not, change it. Namara accepts this seems almost too final , and is doing well with adjusting to life with others instead of among them when a betrayal within the family causes her to panic and return to her former lifestyle - leaving her friendships and romance with Sawyer behind. This needs a little clarificaltion – rework this sentence
EASIER TO RUN is a 72,000-word work that includes elements of I think there is a better way to say this – maybe divide it by / rather than say elements of – check references to see the best way to do this fantasy, romance, and action to tell the story of one woman's journey a little cliché’ – take out “one womans” and leave it at journey to the realization that leaving your past behind means nothing when you can't leave behind your past self. - I really like this line The novel has the potential for a sequel that I am currently working on. Again there is a more formal way to propose it as a sequel – check references.
I have the full manuscript completed if you would like to see it. This line is weak – take a look at some other queries ending lines. Thank you for your time in reading my submission. I would stick to thanking them for their time OR reading the submission, not both – sounds too passive