Query help - Revised

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Haley
Posts: 1
Joined: December 8th, 2009, 4:52 pm
Contact:

Re: Query help

Post by Haley » December 8th, 2009, 4:59 pm

Ok, I am not an expert – just a teacher. As I always tell my students – it looks worse than it is – read what I said. I am just looking at it with the most critical eye to better help you. The more help we can give each other, the better, right? I really hope this helps you. If not, disregard my comments. Best of luck to you!

-Haley

Roatians were a tribe of people that were mistakenly persecuted as witches in the early seventeenth century Hook is weak – really get my attention. This is such a cool topic, you should really be able to nail it.. Namara is the sole survivor of the tribe, and is now nearly four hundred years old – immortality being just one of her Roatian This is the cool, interesting part. abilities. She has been successfully living a normal life when an attempted school shooting forces her to reveal her true self. Sawyer, a classmate and shape-shifter, approaches her and offers for her to come live with him and his “family” of supernaturals.Might need to be more specific – supernaturals seems to vague and generic. IF this is what they are called, capitalize it. If it is not, change it. Namara accepts this seems almost too final , and is doing well with adjusting to life with others instead of among them when a betrayal within the family causes her to panic and return to her former lifestyle - leaving her friendships and romance with Sawyer behind. This needs a little clarificaltion – rework this sentence

EASIER TO RUN is a 72,000-word work that includes elements of I think there is a better way to say this – maybe divide it by / rather than say elements of – check references to see the best way to do this fantasy, romance, and action to tell the story of one woman's journey a little cliché’ – take out “one womans” and leave it at journey to the realization that leaving your past behind means nothing when you can't leave behind your past self. - I really like this line The novel has the potential for a sequel that I am currently working on. Again there is a more formal way to propose it as a sequel – check references.

I have the full manuscript completed if you would like to see it. This line is weak – take a look at some other queries ending lines. Thank you for your time in reading my submission. I would stick to thanking them for their time OR reading the submission, not both – sounds too passive

J.Jessamyn
Posts: 27
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 5:06 pm
Location: Southern Tier of New York
Contact:

Re: Query help

Post by J.Jessamyn » December 8th, 2009, 6:04 pm

Rhonda wrote:Not sure if this is at all helpful to your query, but I couldn't stop thinking that it seems like it was pretty easy to wipe out a tribe of immortals. It made me want to read about that story actually. On the positive side, your second query was so much better at drawing me into the story than the first. Good job taking and applying opinions.
Just to clear something up, because a few people mentioned this as well: Roatians weren't immortals. Just Namara. ;-)

And thank you for your positive comments :-D
~J. Jessamyn~

J.Jessamyn
Posts: 27
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 5:06 pm
Location: Southern Tier of New York
Contact:

Re: Query help

Post by J.Jessamyn » December 8th, 2009, 7:44 pm

OK, take 3. It's still 3 paragraphs for the plot summary, but they're a bit shorter. I trimmed the back story and tried to clear up a few misconceptions in the process. There is still one thing that bothers me: the bulk of the story is the middle section when she's adjusting to "family life," and shows several instances where her avoidance complex takes over (one of those things that doesn't click with the reader until the end, when Namara realizes it). But the running at the end is the climax, naturally. Should I focus more on that middle section since it's longer, or probably not? (I have a feeling I know what the answer will be, but I thought I'd check)

So how's this?

Namara is good at being alone. Alone is what she has been most of her four centuries of life, since her tribe – the Roatians – were wiped out before she took on immortality. Despite the occasional nightmare, she claims to have completely let go of her past; it doesn't bother her anymore, and she continues to live a life on repeat trying to hide her Roatian abilities.

After a would-be tragedy reveals her for what she is, she's approached by Sawyer – a classmate and shape-shifter – who invites her to come live with him and his family of Supernaturals. She decides to give it a shot, and surprises herself by finding the companionship that her life has been lacking since her tribe was killed.

Namara still isn't sure how to live with people instead of among them, but is truly happy until disaster changes everything. A betrayal within her new family sends her into a panic and she defaults to her normal method of operating: isolation and avoidance. She runs, leaving her friends and romance with Sawyer behind. Consumed with guilt, she finally realizes that her life has been nothing but running away, and must decide whether or not to go back and face the family she abandoned.

EASIER TO RUN is a 72,000-word novel that includes elements of fantasy, romance, and action to tell the story of a journey to the realization that leaving your past behind means nothing when you can't leave behind your past self.

[mention sequel in there somewhere]


Once again, still in need of some polishing, but I don't want to spend a lot of time on it if it's still too far off the mark.

Thanks for putting up with my query ignorance. :-P
~J. Jessamyn~

rose
Posts: 118
Joined: December 6th, 2009, 2:23 pm
Contact:

Re: Query help

Post by rose » December 8th, 2009, 11:43 pm

Wow, Jessamin, it is very cool to see how your query has gotten better and better with each draft and is starting to zing along now. Congratulations. Most of the nitpicky changes below just reflect my personal writing style, which may not be yours, at all, so take them and toss them if you want.
.......

[quote]Namara is good at being alone. Alone is what she has been most of her four hundred years, since her tribe – the Roatians – were wiped out before she took on immortality. Despite the occasional nightmare, she claims to have completely let go of her past; it doesn't bother her anymore.

After a would-be tragedy at school ?reveals her for what she is, she's approached by Sawyer – a classmate and shape-shifter – who invites her to come live with him and his family of Supernaturals. When she decides to give it a shot, she surprises herself by finding the companionship that she has been missing since her tribe was killed.

Namara is truly happy until disaster changes everything. A betrayal within her new family sends her into a panic and she runs, leaving her friends and romance with Sawyer behind. When she finally realizes that she has spent her entire life running away from emotional complications, she must decide whether to go back and face the family she abandoned or to resume living a life of safe isolation.

EASIER TO RUN is a 72,000-word novel that weaves elements of fantasy, romance, and adventure together to show us that, even for 4 hundred year old Roation, it is never really possible to leave the past behind

The last, in red, is probably the single spot that, imho needs the most rework at this point. My version probably isn't quite right either, but I think, if you circle this part round in your head enough, something punchy will pop up for you.

Good luck
rose
Follow my work at Smashwords:

Riders on the Rez http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/35697
The Good-Bye Man

J.Jessamyn
Posts: 27
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 5:06 pm
Location: Southern Tier of New York
Contact:

Re: Query help

Post by J.Jessamyn » December 10th, 2009, 6:21 pm

Thanks, rose! I'll probably take at least a few of your suggestions - they make it flow a bit better, definitely. :-D
~J. Jessamyn~

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 1 guest