I like this direction.LSimon wrote:Going a different direction- Lemme know what you think.
Couldn't you simply say, "Alamandine “Mandi” Croach takes life as it comes"? The way you have it makes me stop and think, not being sure what you are saying. I don't think you want anybody stopping and thinking at the beginning of your query.To say that Alamandine “Mandi” Croach takes life as it comes would be an understatement.
This flows very nicely and gives mucho info without seeming to try.She chose her college because that was where her father taught before he died. Her mother left her a jewelry store, so that is where she works. She accepts the existence of faeries because nothing else explains her aunt's abilities and eccentricities or the gorgeous messenger that literally pops in and out of her life.
This is also good but needs work.All that "going with the flow" starts to dry up when lies start floating to the surface. Her mother isn't dead- she is ruling as Queen of the Star Court. Mandi isn't without magic- she has had her powers blocked. Her father didn't drown- he was murdered. Mandi herself may be in line to be queen.
1. Clarify "Queen of the Star Court". Is it a whorehouse downtown? A motel out on the highway?
2. Best to put the two "queen" thoughts together somehow rather than coming back to queen at the end of the paragraph.
Replace semi-colon with comma.When faeries start showing up in Philadelphia asking her for favors and messing with her life; Mandi is faced with a decision. Her first thought is to play dumb and weak.
Either tell us what the decision is about or omit and seam together: "...and messing with her life, her first thought is to play..."
None of this is clear to me, and all of it sounds generic and cliche.To let it be water under the bridge. To pretend all the lies are truth. That would be simpler and far safer, since
Okay here is a good plot point. Be good to place "Star Court" in context, though. Is it in this dimension? In the United States?someone is eliminating possible heirs to the Star Court's throne.
More good plot points, but not sure what she is afraid of, or how she would be involved? Can you elucidate her exact choices and role in these complications?The half-brother she never knew existed has been kidnapped, and all the evidence indicates that her father's murderer is responsible. Getting involved in faery politics is dangerous- putting both her life and heart on the line.
This again is generic and cliche. A sentence or two of specifics would finish this with a bang.She is stepping into the deep-end, and for Mandi, it is sink or swim.
You start really strong and then it begins to fragment. I think you can strengthen and clarify the back end of this query to make it as good as the opening. I particularly like how you weave the info in in this version. How you let us know she's in Phillie, for example. I think we could use a wee bit more of that (for Star Court, for example), and some more specifics about Mandi's plight.