BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Take #3*

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Holly
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Re: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Post by Holly » August 15th, 2010, 1:26 am

Krista G. wrote: Elfspirit, you make a valid point. Seth hardly uses his Wingtooth, so he's able to function without one because he isn't so dependent on it. But that was clearer in the second draft. Now I just need to find a way to insert that information without adding too many words...

I also want to let you guys know that I'll be hosting a Bob-naming contest on my blog next week. The contest kicks off next Tuesday, August 17, and the prizes up for grabs are query and first-page critiques from four agents. I plan to post an announcement thread the day the contest starts, but I just thought I'd give you guys a heads-up, since you took the time to give me this awesome feedback. Thank you so much!
Why don't you just use the sentence you wrote above (or something like it): Seth hardly uses his Wingtooth, so he's able to function without one because he isn't so dependent on it.

Thanks for the heads-up about the contest, and good luck with Bob. The mature theme and parallels to real life are very interesting.

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wilderness
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Re: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Post by wilderness » August 15th, 2010, 1:57 pm

Krista G. wrote:
Here's the pitch I've been tinkering with the past few days. I'd love to hear what you think and/or whether you prefer this version or the one at the bottom of the first page. Thanks for your input! I personally liked the previous one better. This one goes into more detail than I think you need, but it still works, still shows off your interesting premise and dilemma.

The 2046 International Biomedia Conference is the most celebrated event for high school students on the planet. But when Seth receives an invitation to attend, the last thing he wants to do is celebrate.

Seth hates biomedia, especially his Wingtooth, the tooth-shaped implant that links his brainwaves to the Stream. The too-smooth voices give him headaches, and he’s never found much use for a Camera that takes pictures with his eyes or a Music Player that blasts its sounds straight into his brain. His parents, though, are less concerned about his health than they are about his chance to meet Marvin Hermes, the industry’s reclusive founder. He Seth has to go. "He" here seems to refer to Marvin Hermes.

Not ten minutes off the shuttle, Seth introduces himself to the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen by accidentally dumping his breakfast on her. Worse, the girl, Adair, is Toothless, part of the recession-ravaged class unable to afford Wingteeth, and probably took the dumping as an insult. I don't see why being Toothless is related to her being insulted. Little does Seth know that wearing his breakfast on her sleeve is the least of Adair’s concerns.

Ever since her mother died in an overcrowded Wingtooth factory, Adair and her father have been plotting a takeover. Their plan is simple: Shut down the Stream, assassinate Marvin Hermes, and make the whole thing look like an accident. Then install one of the Toothless as chairman of the board. But their plan takes a complicated turn when Adair doesn’t go through with the assassination--and when shutting down the Stream leaves the Wingtoothers unable to think or talk or even eat for themselves. For me, giving away that Adair is behind the attack seems too much for a query. Also there is a change in POV here since Seth doesn't know this initially.

Now Seth and Adair are biomedia’s last hope. But do they really want to save the thing that turned Seth’s parents into nothings? Not sure about the wording here, "thing" and "nothings" seems repetitive. How about "the technology that turned..." And if they want to save Seth’s parents and everybody else, do they have any other choice?

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Re: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Post by Krista G. » August 16th, 2010, 9:47 am

Holly, not a bad idea.

Wilderness, I, too, liked how the previous one was less cluttered. And you're right that Seth hands off the POV in the middle of the third paragraph. I'm actually not sure what all the POV rules are in a query, but this does mirror the book in that Seth and Adair take turns being the POV character. (Adair has almost as many chapters as Seth.) Thank you for giving me a few more things to think about.
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