Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*

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mfreivald
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Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated-v3*

Post by mfreivald » July 29th, 2010, 10:54 am

Thank you, Krista G., Meredith, and Scribble. Your comments are all very helpful. And that's an adverb I choose not to scrub. :)

I'm going to have to play with this for a while with your comments in mind.

Meredith, you bring to attention an important point. Because of brevity, I can only emphasize so much, but I need to keep the emphases between the query and the synopsis in harmony.

The answer to your question is that he is concerned about both, but his father is more long term, while the others are more immediate--but he has much deeper feelings about his father. In the book, he often compares himself and his vocation to his father and soldiering. But his concerns with peers and companions are also a semi-constant nag.

I apparently overdid the tone of the new one. It shouldn't have come off that comical, though there are some comical elements to the book.

Thanks.

mfreivald
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Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *Redux v4*

Post by mfreivald » August 1st, 2010, 12:43 am

Here's another go.

What do you think?

Dear <agent name>,

Elder Cale Barnside is a wizard with a corrupting weakness. Cravings for a vainglorious rapture drive him to bleed the Vine, the mystical wellspring of power that binds all life. Bleeding it brings horrific flame and rot that can wreak enormous devastation. He battles the temptations, drawing strength from his father’s example and receiving purification from his peers, but when he takes charge of the Honor of Cresswell, his self-mastery becomes critical. The slightest impurity will ruin the sacred artifact.

In the wrong hands, the Honor’s power could consume a city in flame. Cale must escort the Honor and the beautiful noblewoman who possesses it past malevolent sorcerers to safety. Shamefully, he succumbs to his temptations and corrupts himself, making it impossible to move the Honor until he gets purified. The sorcerers close in. He eludes them, but things get worse when he corrupts himself again. And again.

CONFESSIONS OF AN ELDER is an adventurous 137,000 word fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earth Sea series.

<Relevant credits>.

<Reason for agent choice>.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Emily J
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Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *Redux v4*

Post by Emily J » August 1st, 2010, 1:15 am

mfreivald wrote:Here's another go.

What do you think?

Dear <agent name>,

Elder Cale Barnside is a wizard with a corrupting weakness. Cravings for a vainglorious rapture this is confusing, at first I thought you were referring to THE rapture, what precisely does this mean? drive him to bleed the Vine how exactly does he bleed the vine? sounds like a euphemism for peeing... , the mystical wellspring of power that binds all life. Bleeding it brings horrific flame and rot that can wreak enormous devastation. flame and rot? it shoots flame and mold? He battles the temptations, drawing strength from his father’s example and receiving purification from his peers, this should be a new sentence --> but when he takes charge of the Honor of Cresswell, the honor of cresswell being what exactly? his self-mastery becomes critical. The slightest impurity will ruin the sacred artifact.

In the wrong hands, the Honor’s power could consume a city in flame. but not a town? what about a burg? Cale must escort the Honor comma and the beautiful noblewoman who possesses it comma around parenthetical aside past malevolent sorcerers to safety. Shamefully, he succumbs to his temptations and corrupts himself, making it impossible to move the Honor until he gets purified. The sorcerers close in. this sentence strikes me as abrupt and could be combined with the next sentence He eludes them, but things get worse when he corrupts himself again. And again. not sure this sentence fragment is a strong way to close the paragraph

CONFESSIONS OF AN ELDER is an adventurous 137,000 word 137,000-word fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earth Sea series. the novel is a bit long, from what I've read, over 100,000 is a tough sell at the moment

<Relevant credits>.

<Reason for agent choice>.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
All the imagery is a bit vague. Flame, rot, temptation. I'm not sure what the artifact is, or what it does. I think you should explain a bit more about the antagonists. I am assuming they are seeking the power of the Honor thinger? I think you could explain more clearly what bleeding the vine entails, what the Honor is, why he is so tempted etc. etc. I think this query needs fewer poetics and more concrete details.
Last edited by Emily J on August 1st, 2010, 1:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

notw
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Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *Redux v4*

Post by notw » August 1st, 2010, 1:24 am

mfreivald wrote:Here's another go.

What do you think?

Dear <agent name>,

Elder Cale Barnside is a wizard with a corrupting weakness. I like this sentence :) Cravings for a vainglorious rapture drive him to bleed the VineI agree with EmilyJ this part is confusing., the mystical wellspring of power that binds all life. Bleeding it brings horrific flame and rot that can wreak enormous devastationMaybe add what kind of devastation instead of just telling us?. He battles the temptations, drawing strength from his father’s example and receiving purification from his peers, but when he takes charge of the Honor of Cresswell, his self-mastery becomes critical. The slightest impurity will ruin the sacred artifact.

In the wrong hands, the Honor’s power could consume a city in flame. Cale must escort the Honor and the beautiful noblewoman who possesses it past malevolent sorcerers to safety. Shamefully, he succumbs to his temptations and corrupts himself, making it impossible to move the Honor until he gets purified. The sorcerers close in. He eludes them, but things get worse when he corrupts himself again. And again. I feel like these last few sentences need to be stronger and more descriptive. What are his temptations and why are they so powerful he can't do this one task?

CONFESSIONS OF AN ELDER is an adventurous 137,000 word fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earth Sea series.

<Relevant credits>.

<Reason for agent choice>.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Good luck on your next draft :)

mfreivald
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Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *redux-v4*

Post by mfreivald » August 2nd, 2010, 3:11 pm

Thank you, Emily J. and notw. Your comments are a great help.

Not sure what the best approach is. I'm thinking of returning to some derivation of a previous version (v3 in this thread.)

mfreivald
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Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*

Post by mfreivald » August 3rd, 2010, 4:49 pm

After trying the new approaches, they seemed deficient compared to the previous, so here is the newest version with some (hopefully) improvements.

I think/hope I'm close here. Thanks for any thoughts you have on it.

Dear <Agent Name>,

The sacred Vine, the mystical wellspring of power that binds all life, can tempt the unvigilant man to ruin. Cale Barnside, the newly appointed elder to the Elam order of wizards, knows this better than anyone. He only wishes to prove himself a worthy elder, but Cale has an acute weakness.

Elders accept the Vine’s gifts to bring light and beauty to their enchantments; sorcerers bleed it to destroy with fire and rot, begetting a profound corruption. Cale craves the experience of bleeding, and he must find one of his brotherhood to purify him when he falls into it. His weakness becomes especially grievous when the beautiful Lady Cresswell places the Honor of Cresswell in his hands. The cherished artifact binds the Cresswell nobility in purpose and assures peace in the land, and an elder must handle it in a state of absolute purity.

Cale tries to resist, but his dalliances into bleeding endanger the lady and attract sorcerers determined to either make him one of their own or kill him. When their overlord discovers Cale possesses the Honor, he pursues it with unrelenting desire. Cale must either fight the overlord with tremendous powers that will ruin the Honor, or rely upon his inner strength to persevere.

CONFESSIONS OF AN ELDER is an adventurous 137,000 word fantasy novel examining internal struggles that will appeal to fans of Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earth Sea series.

<Relevant credentials>.

<Reason for agent choice>.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

notw
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Joined: January 7th, 2010, 4:36 pm
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Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*

Post by notw » August 3rd, 2010, 6:16 pm

mfreivald wrote:After trying the new approaches, they seemed deficient compared to the previous, so here is the newest version with some (hopefully) improvements.

I think/hope I'm close here. Thanks for any thoughts you have on it.

Dear <Agent Name>,

The sacred Vine, the mystical wellspring of power that binds all life, can tempt the unvigilant man to ruin. Cale Barnside, the newly appointed elder to the Elam order of wizards, knows this better than anyone. He only wishes to prove himself a worthy elder, but Cale has an acute weakness.

Elders accept the Vine’s gifts to bring light and beauty to their enchantments; sorcerers bleed it to destroy with fire and rot, begetting a profound corruption. Cale craves the experience of bleeding, and he must find one of his brotherhood to purify him when he falls into it. Is Cale the only one who needs to be purified out of the Elders after the bleeding? His weakness becomes especially grievous when the beautiful Lady Cresswell places the Honor of Cresswell in his hands. The cherished artifact binds the Cresswell nobility in purpose and assures peace in the land, and an elder must handle it in a state of absolute purity.

Cale tries to resist, but his dalliances into bleeding endanger the lady and attract sorcerers determined to either make him one of their own or kill him. I like this sentence. When their overlord discovers Cale possesses the Honor, he pursues it with unrelenting desire. Cale must either fight the overlord with tremendous powers that will ruin the Honor, or rely upon his inner strength to persevere. Where does Cale get the tremendous powers?

CONFESSIONS OF AN ELDER is an adventurous 137,000 word fantasy novel examining internal struggles that will appeal to fans of Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earth Sea series.

<Relevant credentials>.

<Reason for agent choice>.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
I like this version. :)

mfreivald
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Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*

Post by mfreivald » August 4th, 2010, 11:35 am

Thanks, notw.

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