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A life in Death - YA Fantasy *New Version, Page 4*

Posted: June 22nd, 2010, 11:59 pm
by Heather B
*This query has been updated. New version on fourth page.*


Okay, so after weeks of critiquing queries on various sites I'm finally ready for you guys to have a go at mine. I'm not 100% happy with it but I can't quite put my finger on why - writing and critiquing queries are two totally different ball parks. I'm hoping you guys can help and don't worry, I'm ready for anything.
N.B. This is just the body of the query.

Have at it!



Deathlings are dangerous, powerful and most humans fear them more than dying. This unstable paranoia has the humans considering a civil war in an attempt to rid the world of these soulless monsters. The funny thing is, Deathlings were all human once.

Corvette O’Connor is outspoken and fierce; she doesn’t care how many Manolo Blaniks she has to step on to be popular and is immovably on the side of humans. Not even waking on her seventeen birthday as a Deathling is enough deterrence but when the humans are frightened away from her and she is left with only her best friend Liz for support, Corvette finds herself pushed to the background.

There’s nothing Corvette wants more than to keep her now-ghastly head low and finish high school in peace but her abrasive nature makes that impossible and she finds herself catapulted to the forefront of Deathling society where she meets the divinely gorgeous and mysterious Blaine. It is here she develops a coincidental knack for finding dead Fairies and with each of those found, another human becomes immortal. Corvette knows this isn’t an accident but just as she’s getting close to finding the source, Liz and Blaine – both sides of her heart – go missing.

Corvette is now faced with the ultimate decision between a human and a Deathling and for the first time in her life she must put someone else first as she chooses which side of her heart to save. Suddenly high school doesn’t seem so important.

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 3:16 am
by clara_w
Deathlings are dangerous, powerful and most humans fear them more than dying. I´d cut powerful, just dangerous and the fact most humans fear them more then death, means they are pretty bad asses! This unstable paranoia Wait so there´s no reson for humans to fear Deathlings? It´s all in their heads? I´d suggest "their fear" or "this nerve breaking state". has the humans considering a civil war in an attempt to rid the world of these soulless monsters. The funny thing is, Deathlings were all human once. Awesome!

Corvette O’Connor is outspoken and fierce; she doesn’t care how many Manolo Blaniks she has to step on to be popular and is immovably on the side of humans. Not even waking on her seventeen birthday as a Deathling is enough deterrence but when the humans are frightened away from her and she is left with only her best friend Liz for support, Corvette finds herself pushed to the background. Ok, this is really interesting, BUT...I mean...why did you name her Corvette? It´s a funny name but I´m not feelin it matches this heroine...of course no one knows your baby better then yourself, but Corvette was a cold shower for me.

There’s nothing Corvette wants more than to keep her now-ghastly head low and finish high school in peace but her abrasive nature makes that impossible and she finds herself catapulted to the forefront of Deathling society where she meets the divinely gorgeous and mysterious Blaine. It is here she develops a coincidental knack for finding dead Fairies and with each of those found, another human becomes immortal. Corvette knows this isn’t an accident but just as she’s getting close to finding the source, Liz and Blaine – both sides of her heart – go missing. Woa, BAM! Faeries are thrown out of nowhere, awesome. I´d say "She soon developes a knack for finding death faries, each head grants imortality to a human. Just as she comes close to finding ut why she has these abilities, Liz and Blaine go missing." something like that.

Corvette is now faced with the ultimate decision between a human and a Deathling and for the first time in her life she must put someone else first as she chooses which side of her heart to save. Suddenly high school doesn’t seem so important. I´d work a tad more on this last line. I mean she has to save one of them, so she will definetly have to put them before her. I´d focus on her torn apart heart between her best friend and the boy she likes. "Corvette is faced with a decision worse then her biggest fears: She must choose between her best friend and the boy she loves. Suddenly, High School doesnt seem so important."

Hope this helps!

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 5:04 am
by Heather B
Thanks heaps for the feedback Clara. It definitely helps! And as for her name, my characters all seem to introduce themselves to me so that's one part of the process I have little say in. She's a very strong character. lol

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:36 am
by Quill
Heather B wrote: This is just the body of the query.
I would rather always see the rest of the query as well. Then I can check the genre against the tone of it as I read, and also, the word count gives me a feel for the weighting of elements within the query. I'll give a go here anyway.
Deathlings are dangerous, powerful and most humans fear them more than dying.
Okay, although "dangerous" and "powerful" are pretty general when queries thrive on specificity.

Comma after "powerful".
This unstable paranoia has the humans
A little awkward (abrupt?) changing subject from Deathlings in sentence one to the paranoia of humans in sentence two. It's almost unclear. I had to stop and think.
considering a civil war in an attempt to rid the world of these soulless monsters.
1. "Considering" seems a bit weak, like they are calmly thinking it over. How about "preparing for war" or "ready to fight" or something.

2. Is it really a civil war, which would be about the country divided and citizen against citizen. Maybe just "war"? Or, "revolution" if the Deathlings are in charge.

3. "In an attempt to" is a weak phrase. Expunge if possible.
The funny thing is,
This seems an odd turn of phrase here. Up to now it has sounded serious. Are you trying to break the mood, do you intend to show that the book is humorous and a light read?

How about "Ironically," instead.
Deathlings were all human once.
Are you sure "Deathlings" should be capitalized? Humans isn't capitalized so it seems a little odd. Seems you might want to be consistent with treating races: human, deathling, fairy (below). Maybe it's just me.

Sounds like a neat story, by the way, and I'm liking your query opening.
Corvette O’Connor is outspoken and fierce; she doesn’t care how many Manolo Blaniks she has to step on to be popular and
I don't know what "Manolo Blaniks" is. Will all the agents you plan to query? Without knowing, it takes some of the power away from your sentence, but I still get it, she's not a particularly nice person.

Comma after "popular", as the following phrase is a (slight) change of subject.
is immovably on the side of humans.
I like it, but I think you can find a more accurate and elegant word for "immovably".
Not even waking on her seventeen birthday as a Deathling is enough deterrence but
Again, I like it, but I think you can find better wording than "enough deterrence".

Comma after "deterrence".
when the humans are frightened away from her and she is left with only her best friend Liz for support, Corvette finds herself pushed to the background.
Okay, here the setting is unclear. Are the soulless monsters going to the same high school as the humans? Being dangerous and powerful and all? It isn't clear how this works. Also, it isn't clear how a human can wake up as a soulless monster. How does this shift occur, and is it permanent? Do deathlings look like humans? How we do tell them apart? I think we need a bit more context to this world.

Also, "pushed into the background" doesn't say enough. What do you mean by background? (was she pushed from the foreground?)
There’s nothing Corvette wants more than to keep her now-ghastly head low and finish high school in peace
She looks like a monster? Again, do you have monsters and humans roaming the high school halls together? What sort of world is this? Doesn't that provoke problems every day of the year? We need to know what's going on here.
but her abrasive nature makes that impossible and she finds herself catapulted to the forefront of Deathling society
"Catapulted to the forefront" sounds a bit over the top. How about "rises to prominence"? Her abrasive nature lifts her to prominence, or something to that effect?

Not sure "makes that impossible" adds enough to warrant inclusion here.
where she meets the divinely gorgeous and mysterious Blaine.
I'm not sure an agent will appreciate "divinely" as it sounds like over-voice. Author voice. An unneeded modifier to the already strong "gorgeous."
It is here she develops a coincidental knack for finding dead Fairies and
She might "coincidentally" develop a knack, but I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as a "coincidental knack". Anyway, agents frown on coincidence in general, so maybe consider just saying she discovers she has an ability to find dead fairies.

Again, not sure "Fairies" is best capitalized.

I'd put a period after "Fairies" and start a new sentence. At least, it needs a comma.
with each of those found, another human becomes immortal. Corvette knows this isn’t an accident but just as she’s getting close to finding the source, Liz and Blaine – both sides of her heart – go missing.
The plot is moving pretty fast here. Might be best to break this into small sentences.

I like the idea that Liz and Blaine are the two sides of her heart, but it gets lost in the mix. Hence, break up the sentences. And be super clear about what is happening.
Corvette is now faced with the ultimate decision between a human and a Deathling and for the first time in her life she must put someone else first as she chooses which side of her heart to save.
This sounds pretty good, but it isn't clear. Does she have a choice between being one or the other? How does this come about, is being a deathling provisional up to a point and then it becomes permanent? And wait, are her best friend and this guy literally the two sides of her heart? I'm not sure the metaphor is best used a second time. And what do you mean "to save"?? What danger are those two in, you haven't said.
Suddenly high school doesn’t seem so important.
Good.

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 11:40 am
by fivecats
Heather B wrote: Deathlings are dangerous, powerful and most humans fear them more than dying. This unstable paranoia has the humans considering a civil war in an attempt to rid the world of these soulless monsters.
What stopped me right away was the notion that after these two sentences, I still don't know what a Deathling is, nor why they're to be feared.

I also don't get "unstable paranoia" from your first sentence.
Heather B wrote:The funny thing is, Deathlings were all human once.
"funny thing is" = cliché. It also doesn't fit with the horror tone you're trying to build.
Heather B wrote:Corvette O’Connor is outspoken and fierce; she doesn’t care how many Manolo Blaniks she has to step on to be popular and is immovably on the side of humans. Not even waking on her seventeen birthday as a Deathling is enough deterrence but when the humans are frightened away from her and she is left with only her best friend Liz for support, Corvette finds herself pushed to the background.
The first paragraph sets me up for a horror story. That Corvette is "fierce" follows through on this. Then the designer shoes gets me all confused: is this horror or chick lit?

You've described Deathlings as "these soulless monsters" and now you're asking us to like one of them enough to root for one of them as the main character in a book. I'm very confused.
Heather B wrote:There’s nothing Corvette wants more than to keep her now-ghastly head low and finish high school in peace
Is this really possible? High school students tend to notice a lot about appearances. How can she keep a "ghastly head" from standing out? Especially if humanity fears what she has become enough to start a war?
Heather B wrote:but her abrasive nature makes that impossible and she finds herself catapulted to the forefront of Deathling society
Soulless monsters have their own society?
Heather B wrote:where she meets the divinely gorgeous and mysterious Blaine. It is here she develops a coincidental knack for finding dead Fairies and with each of those found, another human becomes immortal.
"It is here..." Where? In the Deathling society? In Blaine's company?

"she develops a coincidental knack..." An awkward phrase. I think you're trying to say she starts finding lots of dead Fairies, right?

"and with each of those found, another human becomes immortal" I'm guessing this is important to your storyline, but there's no context here for me to give it meaning. (Leaving me, once again, confused)
Heather B wrote:Corvette knows this isn’t an accident
What "this"? Finding lots of dead Fairies? How does she know she's being purposely led to them? (Or that they're purposely being placed where she can find them?)

[quote="Heather B"but just as she’s getting close to finding the source, Liz and Blaine – both sides of her heart – go missing.[/quote]

It took me several readings of this sentence to decide that Liz and Blaine are not "the source" and that her heart goes missing because she feels betrayed by her two closest friends.
Heather B wrote:Corvette is now faced with the ultimate decision between a human and a Deathling
What "ultimate decision"? And, from what you've told us, I don't get the feeling that she's all that into being a Deathling, that it was something imposed upon her and an annoyance. What would make her want to side with the Deathlings? (Is a cute guy really worth all that?)
Heather B wrote:and for the first time in her life she must put someone else first as she chooses which side of her heart to save.
If her decision is "do I save my best friend or do I save the new boyfriend" it makes for a compelling storyline. The problem is, for me, I'm not seeing the tension that leads up to that from your query.
Heather B wrote:Suddenly high school doesn’t seem so important.
I like this line, but I'm not sure if it's too clichéd.

My suggestions:

* Drop the first paragraph. The "soulless" description doesn't fit with Corvette's character and you don't mention the war elsewhere in your query.
* Focus on Chevette from the start.
* You say your genre is "YA Fantasy" but your first sentence about Corvette is confusing. Rework the sentence to give us a clearer idea of both Corvette and your genre. For instance:
Start with Corvette O’Connor is outspoken and fierce; she doesn’t care how many Manolo Blaniks she has to step on to be popular. as your first sentence (changing the semi-colon to a comma, as per Quill if it's more of a chicklit genre. If it's horror, drop the designer shoe name and change it to something more fitting with the Deathling that she's about to, unwittingly, become.
* Move an altered description of the Deathlings to Corvette waking up as a Deathling. It's more fitting there. We need to connect with Corvette in a positive way before we can continue to care about her having become a Deathling.
* Be a bit clearer on her relationship with the Blaine and Liz. We have to care about both of them -- or at least understand more fully her strong feelings for both -- if we're going to sweat out her choice of one over the other at the climax.

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 2:21 pm
by Emily J
Heather B wrote:Okay, so after weeks of critiquing queries on various sites I'm finally ready for you guys to have a go at mine. I'm not 100% happy with it but I can't quite put my finger on why - writing and critiquing queries are two totally different ball parks. I'm hoping you guys can help and don't worry, I'm ready for anything.
N.B. This is just the body of the query.

Have at it!



Deathlings are dangerous, powerful serial comma and most humans fear them more than dying. This unstable paranoia paranoia? are deathlings not really dangerous then? has the humans considering a civil war in an attempt to rid the world of these soulless monsters. The funny thing is, Deathlings were all human once. Found this opening paragraph a bit confusing. How does a civil war between humans get rid of deathlings? (since it is clear deathlings aren't humans anymore) What are deathlings? how are they dangerous? (or are they?)

Corvette O’Connor is outspoken and fierce; she doesn’t care how many Manolo Blaniks she has to step on to be popular and is immovably on the side of humans. Not even waking on her seventeen birthday as a Deathling is enough deterrence but when the humans are frightened away from her and she is left with only her best friend Liz for support, Corvette finds herself pushed to the background. run-on sentence

There’s nothing Corvette wants more than to keep her now-ghastly head low and finish high school in peace but her abrasive nature makes that impossible and she finds herself catapulted to the forefront of Deathling society where she meets the divinely gorgeous and mysterious Blaine. run-on sentence, and gorgeous and mysterious are tired descriptions It is here she develops a coincidental knack for finding dead Fairies and with each of those found, another human becomes immortal. why/how are humans becoming immortal because she's finding dead fairies? how do fairies tie in with the humans/deathlings? Corvette knows this isn’t an accident but just as she’s getting close to finding the source, Liz and Blaine – both sides of her heart – go missing. how does she know it isn't an accident (and what is "this" exacty) and what is the source?

Corvette is now faced with the ultimate decision between a human and a Deathling and for the first time in her life she must put someone else first as she chooses which side of her heart to save. Suddenly high school doesn’t seem so important.
I feel like I want to know a bit more, is there an antagonist? What do the fairies have to do with anything? Why does she have to choose between Blaine and Liz. IS she choosing between Blaine and Liz? Without knowing the reason the choice feels contrived. Also, given the nature of the story I really feel like I need to know what deathlings are to fully grasp the choice and her transformation.

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 5:46 pm
by lmjackson
Deathlings are dangerous and humans fear them more than death. This unstable paranoia widespread panic has the humans considering a civil war in an attempt assembling to rid the world of the soulless monsters. The funny thing is But ironically, Deathlings were all human once.

The introduction presents a very serious tone that appears to be building toward some serious action. The rest of the query completely switches gears. The reader is given the impression that an all out war is about to happen, so why would a character be worrying about designer shoes and popularity? Either the introduction needs to fit the rest of the query, or the remaining paragraphs need to be more serious.

Corvette O’Connor is outspoken and fierce; she doesn’t care how many Manolo Blaniks she has to step on to be popular and is immovably on the side of humans. But uponwaking on her seventeen birthday as a Deathling is enough deterrence but when the humans are frightened away from her and she is left with only her best friend Liz for support, Corvette finds herself pushed to the background.

There’s nothing Corvette wants more than to keep her now-ghastly head low and finish high school in peace, but her abrasive nature makes that impossible and she finds herself catapulted to the forefront of Deathling society where she meets the divinely gorgeous and mysterious Blaine.(Looong run-on sentence) It is here she develops a coincidental knack for finding dead Fairies and with each of those found, another human becomes immortal. Corvette knows this isn’t an accident but just as she’s getting close to finding the source, Liz and Blaine – both sides of her heart – go missing. This entire paragraph introduces a lot of information (perhaps too much) at once. How is she 'catapulted' to the forefront of Deathling society and how exactly does she meet this 'divinely gorgeous' Blaine? And what does finding dead fairies have to do with human immortality? And what "source" is Corvette becoming close to? And what does this have to do with the Deathling-human conflict set up in the first paragraph?

Corvette is now faced with the ultimate decision between a human and a Deathling and for the first time in her life must choose which side of her heart to save. Suddenly high school doesn’t seem so important. (I like this paragraph, because it ties into the introduction of Corvette. But consider being more specific in naming exactly how she must choose between Liz and Blaine.
I think the second and last paragraph are the strongest here. Really build off of those for the rest of the query and keep the tone consistent. Consider rewriting the third paragraph, because at the moment it needs the most work.

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 8:34 pm
by Heather B
Wow, guys. Thanks so much. It's so interesting to see how something is intended vs. how it's read.

I have a lot of work to do today ha ha. Hopefully I'll get the revised version up soon.

And Quill, I didn't realise some people liked the word count etc. paragraph so I'll include that in my update.

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 11:38 pm
by Heather B
So I'm not quite sure if this is a step forward or back due to the amount that has been rewritten. I tried to get all your questions answered and make the paragraphs a little less confusing. It's so hard in fantasy, where your world has so back back story, to keep things brief and clear. Anyway, this is the revised version, I'm sure there's lots I've missed but thanks once again for the excellent help!




Dear …

Magical creatures known as deathlings inhabit the earth; and humans, fearful of their powers and their close link with Death are left with one option for a normal life: eradicate them. It doesn’t matter that deathlings were human once – or that most of them still look human now.

Corvette O’Connor is outspoken, fierce and firmly on the side of humans. As the most popular person at her school she never considers turning to be an option – until it happens. On her seventeenth birthday she wakes as a banshee and suddenly her world shatters as quickly as glass when she screams. She loses her golden popularity as her both her family and friends turn their back on her. Corvette is left with only the support of her best friend Liz who, despite the prejudice against deathlings is able to overcome the shock of Corvette turning.

It’s not until Corvette gains the attention of Blaine, a strikingly handsome and seemingly dangerous deathling that she learns how to move between Life and Death – the place human’s souls go when they die. As a banshee, Corvette is expected to help with this transition but her inquisitive nature takes her on a more dangerous path. She stumbles upon a pile of dead fairies, witnesses human’s becoming immortal and uncovers a plan to turn Life into Death. It’s just as she's close to finding the one behind it all that Liz and Blaine go missing. Now Corvette has to choose between saving Blaine’s life or saving Liz’s soul.

A LIFE IN DEATH is my completed, 85,000 word young adult fantasy novel set between the stages of Life and Death. It will appeal to fans of Richelle Mead’s strong, female protagonists, who have a subjective view of right and wrong and just about any fantasy reader that has, at some point, felt the crushing pressure of social rejection.

<Insert personalisation here>

Sincerely, …

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: June 24th, 2010, 1:41 am
by alegna200@yahoo.com
Heather B wrote:
Dear …

Magical creatures known as deathlings inhabit the earth; and humans, fearful of their powers and their close link with Death are left with one option for a normal life: eradicate them. here you use ; and : to make this a really long sentence It doesn’t matter that deathlings were human once – or that most of them still look human now. you opened by saying they were magical, then here say they're human, to me magical is entirely different and is born - like a fairy or unicorn and I have no idea what they do.

Corvette O’Connor is outspoken, fierce and firmly on the side of humans. As the most popular person at her school who cares? she has a reason to not want to turn - she's prohuman she never considers turning to be an option – until it happens. On her seventeenth birthday she wakes as a banshee how? a wish? something she ate? genetics? you just said she didn't consider it an option so is it a choice or not? and why do we care if she turns into a banshee? Is that another name for a deathling? Be clear and suddenly her world shatters as quickly as glass when she screams. She loses her golden popularity as her both Her family and friends turn their back on her and Corvette is left with only the support of her best friend Liz who, despite the prejudice against deathlings is able to overcome the shock of Corvette turning. obviously

It’s not until Corvette gains the attention of Blaine, a strikingly handsome and seemingly dangerous deathling that she learns how to move between Life and Death – the place human’s souls go when they die. how is meeting Blaine and learning about Life and Death connected? is he teaching her the ropes? What exactly does a deathling do? I still don't know. As a banshee, Corvette is expected to help with this transition but her inquisitive nature takes her on a more dangerous path. I think a deathling helps people cross from life to death but it's not clear. She stumbles upon a pile of dead fairies, witnesses human’s becoming immortal and uncovers a plan to turn Life into Death. this is a lot of info and reads more like a sequence of events. maybe something like: In her new existence as a banshee, Corvette is expected to help with human transitions between Life and Death. When she stumbles upon a pile of dead fairies and witnesses humans becoming immortal she uncovers a plan to turn Life into Death It’s just as she's close to finding the one behind it all that Liz and Blaine go missing. Now Corvette has to choose between saving Blaine’s life or saving Liz’s soul. Strong conflict here.

A LIFE IN DEATH is my completed,a 85,000 word Young Adult Fantasy novel set between the stages of Life and Death. this is apparent from your query It will appeal to fans of Richelle Mead’s strong, female protagonists, who have a subjective view of right and wrong and just about any fantasy reader that has, at some point, felt the crushing pressure of social rejection. I like the comparison to Richelle Mead's protags, but the view of right and wrong is a bit vague. I don't really get that your story is about morality and is more about the value of friendship and life. I'd scratch everything after protagonists

<Insert personalisation here>

Sincerely, …
I think you have a really interesting premise and you've obviously got your target audience down as far as storyline goes. A couple things that have been suggested to me are to right a tagline - sum it up in one sentence (about 20 words) and to make sure you answer three questions (these were recommened to me by a published author):

1. What does you're protag want/need?
2. What do they have to do to get it?
3. What will happen if they don't?

Not necessarily the easiest thing to do, I know, I'm struggling with that myself!

Good Luck!
:) Ang

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *Updated*

Posted: June 24th, 2010, 6:40 am
by Heather B
Thanks heaps for the help Ang.

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *Updated*

Posted: July 8th, 2010, 4:46 am
by Heather B
I just don't know if this one seems as though I'm trying to put too much information in. It's a very fine line between giving enough to create interest and flooding your query with information that just makes people's head spin.

What do you guys think?

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Posted: July 8th, 2010, 10:01 am
by midenianscholar
I feel like this is too long. It should be about 250 words, if I'm remembering correctly. You mentioned being concerned about saying too much/too little. So here are my cut suggestions....
Heather B wrote:Dear …

Magical creatures known as deathlings inhabit the earth; and humans, fearful of their powers and their close link with Death are left with one option for a normal life: eradicate them. It doesn’t matter that deathlings were human once – or that most of them still look human now.

Corvette O’Connor is outspoken, fierce and firmly (<-- pick one word to describe her) on the side of humans. As the most popular person at her school she never considers turning to be an option – until it happens. [But] On her seventeenth birthday she wakes as a banshee and suddenly her world shatters as quickly as glass when she screams. She loses her golden popularity as her both her family and friends turn their back on her. Corvette is left with only the support of her best friend Liz who, despite the prejudice against deathlings is able to overcome the shock of Corvette turning.

It’s not until Corvette gains the attention of Blaine, a strikingly handsome and seemingly dangerous deathling[COMMA] that she learns how to move between Life and Death – the place human’s souls go when they die. As a banshee, Corvette is expected to help with this transition but her inquisitive nature takes her on a more dangerous path. She stumbles upon a pile of dead fairies, witnesses human’s becoming immortal and uncovers a plan to turn Life into Death. It’s just as she's close to finding the one behind it all that Liz and Blaine go missing. Now Corvette has to choose between saving Blaine’s life or saving Liz’s soul.

A LIFE IN DEATH is my completed, 85,000 word young adult fantasy novel set between the stages of Life and Death. It will appeal to fans of Richelle Mead’s strong, female protagonists, who have a subjective view of right and wrong and just about any fantasy reader that has, at some point, felt the crushing pressure of social rejection.

<Insert personalisation here>

Sincerely, …
You obviously are a good writer. I think it's mostly just come down to trying to cut stuff out. (Also--watch your commas! You have a tendency to leave a comma hanging, like in this sentence: ... her best friend Liz who, despite the prejudice against deathlings[COMMA] is able to overcome the shock of Corvette turning.)

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *Updated*

Posted: July 8th, 2010, 6:41 pm
by Heather B
Thanks heaps, midenianscholar! All this feedback is amazing.

Yes, cutting down it something I definitely need to do, it's just hard to tell which parts. I feel like it's getting closer now though so fingers crossed.

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *Updated*

Posted: July 12th, 2010, 3:32 am
by Heather B
Alright, so main question is: do I need the first paragraph? Also is this version clearer than the others?
Any comments regarding structure are greatly appreciated as well.



Control will be theirs; it’s time for the humans to be back on top. Deathling’s hold inconceivable power that has diseased the human mind with paranoia. These magical creatures have to be reigned in and managed – it’s irrelevant they were human once, because every man knows deathlings are dangerous.

Corvette O’Connor is outspoken, admired and extremely pro-human. But on her seventeenth birthday she wakes a banshee and her world shatters as quickly as glass when she screams. Suddenly Corvette is one of the despised, rejected by her family and friends. Only her best friend Liz, despite the bigotry against deathlings, is excited about the change.

All Corvette wants is to be the center of attention again. It’s not until she meets Blaine, a dangerous and sexy deathling, that she realises sometimes it’s better to be inconspicuous. Deathlings are being murdered, and with every spirit found, another human becomes immortal. Corvette is close to finding the person behind the attacks when she uncovers a plan to turn Life into Death. It’s then that Liz and Blaine disappear and Corvette is faced with an impossible choice; save Blaine’s life or save Liz’s soul.

A LIFE IN DEATH is my completed, 85,000 word young adult fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Richelle Mead’s strong, female protagonists and just about any fantasy reader that has, at some point, felt the crushing pressure of social rejection.