Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

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OneChoice1
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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by OneChoice1 » June 27th, 2010, 10:32 pm

Instead of "Use Somebody" as the title of my novel, what do you think of RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT?
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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by Penang » June 29th, 2010, 1:24 am

I've only read through the last three versions and I like the sound of your story. I think though, that an agent may look at it and think there's just too much going on. What's the focus of the story? You have:

1. teen with a criminal past and intent to hurt people
2. government experiment
3. romance
4. religion
5. stalking/mystery

It's fine to have that in your book but what is the major selling point? If you're targeting the Christian market, I'd tailor it for those agents. Like a story of second chances. I'm taking some liberties here with your query and feel free to disregard any and/or all of my suggestions, since you know your story best!

**
Seventeen year old Rachel McSwain is getting a second chance at life. She just doesn't know if she wants it. She's serving a life sentence for murder when she volunteers to have an experimental microchip implanted in her brain rendering her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excrutiating pain herself. A thirteen month trial period in remote Washington will determine if she gets to keep her freedom.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. He enjoys her sarcastic humor and wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Bitter from her experiences, Rachel has no desire to hear about forgiveness or repentance even as Alan's persistence and turquoise eyes lure her to take a chance on love. The problem is, he’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ than falling in love, and what’s worse, his beautiful eyes seem fixed on another. That doesn't dissuade her and she attempts to make Alan fall for her—taking advice from romance novels, magazines and movies.

When messages start coming from a secret admirer who knows too much about her, she resolves to discover the identity of this psycho. But even as her persuit of Alan distracts her from the goal of finding out who her admirer is, he hasn’t forgotten about her, and he's decided it’s time for them to meet. Rachel must find a way to trust in God's plan and defend herself, inspite of the crippling chip.

USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

I think overall you've done a good job of explaining the plot but it needs to tie together. If it's a Christian book, center it around that. The chip is God's opening to her. Meeting Alan, well you do a great job of having that centered around Jesus. The stalker and her struggle to defend herself needs to go back to Jesus as well. I'm sure you could make what I wrote up above much more suited to what you see the story as.

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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by Emily J » June 29th, 2010, 3:14 pm

OneChoice1 wrote:You made very good points Mfreivald, thank you.

With everyone's help, I'm starting to like this query *lol*


So tell me...what's good, bad, ugly?


#5

Dear [Agent’s name]:

Seventeen year old so technically it should be Seventeen-year-old since this is a compound attributive adjective Rachel McSwain is serving a life sentence for murder and identity theft is identity theft a charge? not sure but it sounds strange after murder when she’s handed a deal from the US government. Instead of growing old in prison, she opts for a cerebral microchip implant which stuns her with neurological pain i think this is redundant since all pain is "neurological" tho I think you mean her brain hurts... if she tries to physically harm someone. The government puts Rachel to the test when they place her in a remote Washington town for thirteen months. She now has epilepsy as a cover story.

Disturbed and bitter, Rachel’s i wouldn't use a contraction here, just a suggestion tho determined to find her sanity and live these months in peace; but she starts receiving messages from a secret admirer who knows too much about her. She doesn’t respond to the letters but resolves to discover the identity of this psycho.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to its owner, Alan Pierce. He takes a liking to her sarcastic humor and wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. But Rachel has no desire to hear about forgiveness or repentance. Unfortunately, Alan’s persistence and turquoise eyes lure her to take a chance on love. The problem is, he’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ than expressing love, and what’s worse, his beautiful eyes are fixed on another.

She attempts to make Alan fall in love with her—taking advice from romance novels, magazines serial comma and movies—which distracts her from the goal of finding out who her admirer is. He hasn’t forgotten about her, though, and decides it’s time for them to meet. How is Rachel supposed to defend herself with her crippling chip?

USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Agree with other comments that there are a lot of things going on here, sci-fi, religion, romance. Also, your protag is a convicted murderer. I must admit that felt a bit glossed over in the query. If she really killed someone then I think the religious aspects and the search for penance would be strengthened to some reference to her past sins. This just sounds like she has a crush of Jesus boy. If God is integral (which I suspect from the inspirational romance genre) then she needs to have more of a religious conversion than just trying to get into a hot guy's pants. There is a lot going on, and I think you really need to focus on what is most important and find a way to tie the various elements together.

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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by OneChoice1 » June 29th, 2010, 10:37 pm

Oh wow, oh wow. Penang and Emily J, thank you guys so much. You both are too right.

I loved many of your suggestions Penang, and Emily J, you brought this to light:
Also, your protag is a convicted murderer. I must admit that felt a bit glossed over in the query. If she really killed someone then I think the religious aspects and the search for penance would be strengthened to some reference to her past sins.
And I thank you again.



*This is #6*


Dear [Agent’s name]:

Seventeen-year-old Rachel McSwain’s getting a second chance at life. She just doesn’t know if she wants it. She’s serving a life sentence for murder when she opts for an experimental microchip to be implanted in her brain, rendering her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself. A thirteen month trial period in a remote Washington town will determine if she gets to keep her freedom.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. He enjoys her sarcastic humor and wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Bitter from her experiences, Rachel has no desire to hear about forgiveness or repentance even as Alan’s persistence and turquoise eyes lure her to take a chance on love. The problem is, he’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ, and what’s worse, his beautiful eyes are fixed on another. That doesn’t dissuade her, and she attempts to make Alan fall for her—taking advice from romance novels, magazines and movies.

The more she hangs around Alan, the more she remembers her past and relives it. Receiving messages from a secret admirer who knows too much about her doesn’t help. She wants to be with Alan, but she uses her pursuit as a distraction from her history and the disturbing letters. Her admirer doesn’t want to forget about her, though, and decides it’s time for them to meet. Rachel must find a way to trust God and allow Him to help her defend herself, in spite of the crippling chip.

RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance and is approximately blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Last edited by OneChoice1 on July 9th, 2010, 4:13 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by clara_w » June 30th, 2010, 10:52 am

I agree with Meredith's analysis, although I must say I was severly hooked by this one!

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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by OneChoice1 » June 30th, 2010, 3:04 pm

Well that's good to hear :D Thanks!


*Rewrite #11 is on the 4th page*
Last edited by OneChoice1 on July 14th, 2010, 9:50 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Penang
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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by Penang » June 30th, 2010, 6:43 pm

I like your newest rewrite! You bring up her need to rely on God in order to solve her problem and you also mention that she's trying to hide from her past and forget the things she's done. This query sounds much more like a Christian themed novel. I do think that the book sounds really interesting.

You may also mention that it is a YA novel since that will determine marketing, and for agents looking specifically for inspirational YA it'll jump out of the pile better.

:) Ang

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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by Ellie G » July 1st, 2010, 11:34 am

If this is an inspirational romance, I'm guessing the big "wins" for her come when she finds her faith and gets together with Alan? And the brain chip and stalker plots are the framework in which those two stories can occur? Otherwise I'd imagine it's a suspense novel with a strong romantic storyline (like Dean Koontz's Watchers or something).

I mention this because right now, the query still feels like a soup of everything and the kitchen sink (experimental chip AND romance AND stalkers AND reliving her past AND religion) and it's disjointed because you're not clearly showing how the different parts of the story tie together. Right now it sounds like the romance is nothing more than a silly distraction for Rachel. Also, I really think Emily J is dead-on in saying you can't just gloss over the part where she's a convicted murderer.

You might experiment with leading with the romance and faith angles, since those are your main storylines: Rachel doesn't expect to find love in her new hometown, but falls in love with Alan. He just wants to share his love of Christ, but Rachel isn't buying it. Then expand into the framework: Rachel's in town due to an experimental government program, and worse, she's being stalked. Then set up the major conflicts: Rachel needs to X if she's going to be with Alan, Y if she's going to find her faith, and Z if she's going to stop the bad guy/save the day/get the chip out of her head/whatever.

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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by OneChoice1 » July 4th, 2010, 4:35 am

Thanks Penang. I might just say Inspirational YA


In an effort to make this query more solid than soup [thanks Ellie G, BTW :D], I came up with:


*This is #7*

Dear [Agent’s name]:

Rachel McSwain's always running. From her abusive father, bullets, and cops. When she's betrayed by a co-conspirator, Rachel lands a life sentence for murder. The last thing this seventeen year old expects is being presented with a second chance at life. All she has to do to keep her freedom is live in a remote Washington town for a trial period of thirteen months with a experimental microchip implanted in her brain. Before she's sent to Washington, Rachel tries to bail out of the deal, and in turn, discovers the purpose of the chip: it renders her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself. Now she has no choice but to play along.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. He enjoys her sarcastic humor and wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Bitter from her limitations, Rachel has no desire to hear about forgiveness or repentance even as Alan's persistence and turquoise eyes lure her to take a chance on love. The problem is, he’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ, and what’s worse, his beautiful eyes are fixed on another. That doesn’t dissuade her, and she attempts to make Alan fall for her—taking advice from romance novels, magazines and movies.

The more she hangs around Alan, the more she remembers her past and relives it. Rachel tries to use her pursuit of love as a distraction from history, but her efforts are fruitless. She harbors resentment for Alan, and it gets to the point where it takes her crippling chip to stop her from hurting him. Rachel refuses to believe an almighty God allowed her to suffer for as long as she did, or that she could be redeemed. She'll never see the light. Alan should spend his energy elsewhere—like falling in love with her. Since he won't, Rachel plans to murder his faith in her by revealing her sins.

RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance and is approximately blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,



Any better?
Last edited by OneChoice1 on July 9th, 2010, 4:15 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by Quill » July 4th, 2010, 11:54 am

OneChoice1 wrote:
Rachel McSwain's always running. From her abusive father, bullets, and cops.
Good start.

When she's betrayed by a co-conspirator, Rachel lands a life sentence for murder.
Whoa. What conspiracy? What is she mixed up in?

Are you really going to skip us over this?
The last thing this seventeen year old expects is being presented with a second chance at life.
Awkward. The last thing she expects is being. Presented. Like she expects many things and this is the last. The last is a second. And she's already serving 'life', and now a second chance at life. Using life to mean two opposite things. Is the best term for getting a second chance "being presented"? The resonance of your words and terms seems off.
All she has to do to keep her freedom is live
Awkward. All she has to do is live?
in a remote Washington town for a trial period of thirteen months
Awkward. All she has to do is live for a trial period?
with a experimental microchip implanted in her brain. Before she's sent to Washington,
Is there any way to avoid mentioning Washington again? Better to move forward than repeat.
Rachel tries to bail out of the deal,
Odd phrase, "bail out of the deal", using a jail/legal term "bail" as a cliche for opt out. May be confusing to a fast-reading agent.
and in turn,
In turn to what? Omit.
discovers the purpose of the chip: it renders her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself.
"It renders" Improper tense/word choice to relate to "purpose". It's purpose is to render. Or, perhaps omit the colon and simply say, ",which is to render her"
Now she has no choice but to play along.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. He enjoys her sarcastic humor and wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Bitter from her limitations,
"Bitter from her limitations" is grammatically incorrect and/or clumsy. Bitter because of (or due to) her limitations.

Also, "limitations" is a generic word, too general for a query. Bitter because of the microchip? Why would she be bitter about this? It is giving her freedom so long as she doesn't get into a fight. Is this so hard for her? Why? If it is not bitterness about the microchip, what is it?
Rachel has no desire to hear about forgiveness or repentance even as Alan's persistence and turquoise eyes lure her to take a chance on love.
Awkward to, in effect, say she has no desire for this but does have desire for that. The double desire is alright, but it could be presented more elegantly. More clearly, and with more tension. For starters, it is always stronger to say what she is thinking and does desire, than to rely on what she has "no desire" for.
The problem is, he’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ, and what’s worse, his beautiful eyes are fixed on another.
Awkward. Here you, in effect, say the problem is...and then another problem is. Can you simply say, "But he's more interested..." to eliminate one of the "problem is"s?
That doesn’t dissuade her, and she attempts to make Alan fall for her—taking advice from romance novels, magazines and movies.
Awkward. Words like "dissuade" and "attempts to" are weak in a query, and don't convey any longing or emotional desire.

Also, why is it important to state that she is taking advice from media? Is she incapable of proceeding by her own instincts and heart. Why so? If this is important, please explain here, as it seems unusual.

Also, is "taking advice" really the term for it? Do romance novels and movies give advice? Wouldn't it be more taking inspiration, or getting ideas?
The more she hangs around Alan, the more she remembers her past and relives it.
Hangs around Alan? Awkward. Unromantic. And unspecific. How about spends time with Alan, or something.

"Remembers her past and relives it" is too general. Her terrible childhood? The conspiracy (of which we know nothing). Please fill us in so we can empathize with this character.
Rachel tries to use her pursuit of love as a distraction from history, but her efforts are fruitless.
The phrases "tries to use her pursuit" "distraction from history" and "efforts are fruitless" lack the punch needed to make this situation sizzle. Can you lay this out for us in less sophisticated terms and more viscerally? Illuminating the emotion behind it?

She harbors resentment for Alan, and it gets to the point where it takes her crippling chip to stop her from hurting him.
Same for "harbors resentment" (how about 'feels anger') and "it gets to the point where"

Also, odd to call it a "crippling chip". Sounds like a chip on her shoulder. Why not just say "microchip" rather than being poetic here. Just clearly give us the data.

And, so fate intervenes, the chip gives her excruciating pain, she has no choice, she can't hurt him, thus her dilemma is moot, it is out of her hands. So what is the conflict? I would think it would be internal to her, how can she control herself to avoid the microchip's pain?
Rachel refuses to believe an almighty God allowed her to suffer for as long as she did, or that she could be redeemed.
What suffering, for how long? You've given no background on Rachel. So all we can say is okay...

I think you need to get us behind her. Give us more of her background and what makes her tick.
She'll never see the light. Alan should spend his energy elsewhere—like falling in love with her. Since he won't, Rachel plans to murder his faith in her by revealing her sins.
An odd ending in that we haven't seen Alan's faith in her. Faith in her for what?

Also, as written this does not seem like a heavy crux of a story, she plans to reveal her sins? Which sins (sins is too general) To hurt him? And this will be romantic? How so? Will this bring them together?
RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance
Inspirational, how? Not sure how you've shown this above. Romance, how. Not sure you've shown this above.
and is approximately blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
How many words? Also, no need to say approximately. Simply round up or down to the nearest thousand.

Good luck with your rewriting and querying.

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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by OneChoice1 » July 5th, 2010, 3:56 am

Merci beaucoup Quill. At least I had a good start ;). I have "blah blah blah," because I'm still editing/rewriting my story. But I'm aiming for 100,000-120,000 words. I believe that's a good range..



*This is #8*


Dear [Agent’s name]:

Rachel McSwain’s always running. From her abusive father, bullets, and cops. When she ends up facing a life sentence for murder, Rachel sprints toward the first opportunity of freedom, which comes in the form of an experimental microchip being implanted in her brain. The chip renders her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself. A thirteen month trial period in a remote Washington town will determine Rachel’s fate.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. Her limited tolerance for him is further damaged when Alan wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Not believing in God, Rachel has no desire to hear about Calvary or resurrections. Alan’s persistent, but instead of opening up to Jesus, Rachel keeps finding herself getting lost in Alan’s stupid turquoise eyes.

At first, Rachel puts off her attraction as a silly little crush, but when she loses her temper and hits one of Alan’s admirers, things get serious. The distress from her microchip knocks her unconscious. Rachel wakes up to Alan praying for her feverishly, and decides to take a chance on love. Three problems: her stay in Washington is inadequate; Alan’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ; and even worse, his eyes are fixed on another. How could committing murder be easier than falling in love?

Now Rachel’s determined to win Alan’s heart before her time runs out. If that means cracking open the Bible and getting to know this Jesus Christ fellow, than so be it.

RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance and is blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Last edited by OneChoice1 on July 9th, 2010, 4:15 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by Meredith » July 5th, 2010, 8:56 am

OneChoice1 wrote:Merci beaucoup Quill. At least I had a good start ;). I have "blah blah blah," because I'm still editing/rewriting my story. But I'm aiming for 100,000-120,000 words. I believe that's a good range..



Rolling out #8


Dear [Agent’s name]:

Rachel McSwain’s always running. From her abusive father, bullets, and cops. When she ends up facing a life sentence for murder, Rachel sprints toward the first opportunity of freedom, which comes in the form of an experimental microchip being implanted in her brain. The chip renders her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself. A thirteen month trial period in a remote Washington town will determine Rachel’s fate.
I like this much better. The first and second sentences (the second is a fragmant) probably should be joined into one. I don't think I'd use a fragment in a query letter. The third sentence is long and might be broken up. I think you could simplify the next sentence about the effect of the chip. "The chip causes excruciating pain whenever Rachel physically harms another person."
A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. Her limited tolerance for him is further damaged when Alan wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Not believing in God, Rachel has no desire to hear about Calvary or resurrections. Alan’s persistent, but instead of opening up to Jesus, Rachel keeps finding herself getting lost in Alan’s stupid turquoise eyes.
I'd lose the word stupid.
At first, Rachel puts off her attraction as a silly little crush, but when she loses her temper and hits one of Alan’s admirers, things get serious. The distress from her microchip knocks her unconscious. Rachel wakes up to Alan praying for her feverishly, and decides to take a chance on love. Three problems: her stay in Washington is inadequate; Alan’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ; and even worse, his eyes are fixed on another. How could committing murder be easier than falling in love?
"Puts off" sounds like the wrong phrase. "Puts her attraction down to a crush"? Her stay in Washington is inadequate? Is she going to be free after the trial period, in which case she could go (or stay) anywhere she wants? Or is she going to be forced to leave? I like the last line, but you bring up the murder again. It may be necessary to add a few words in the first paragraph about that, though I'm not sure.
Now Rachel’s determined to win Alan’s heart before her time runs out. If that means cracking open the Bible and getting to know this Jesus Christ fellow, than so be it.
Why is time going to run out? It's a good way to raise the stakes. I just don't understand why, if the chip will give her her freedom.
RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance and is blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
MeredithMansfield.WordPress.com

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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by OneChoice1 » July 6th, 2010, 12:58 pm

Thank you Meredith for pointing out the things you did!


Well I don't know if this is any better, but it's what I have so far.


*This is #9*


Dear [Agent’s name]:

Rachel McSwain’s always running. From her abusive father, bullets, cops, and now prison. She’s serving a life sentence for murder before she opts for an experimental microchip to be implanted in her brain, rendering her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself. A thirteen month trial period in a remote Washington town will determine if she gets to keep her freedom.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. Her limited tolerance for him is further damaged when Alan wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Rachel has no desire to hear about Calvary or resurrections. Alan’s persistent, but instead of opening up to Jesus, Rachel keeps getting lost in Alan’s turquoise eyes.

At first, Rachel thinks of her attraction as a silly little crush, but when she loses her temper and hits one of Alan’s admirers, she’s forced to acknowledge her feelings for what they are. Her situation gets as serious as the distress from the microchip, and she decides to take a chance on love. But Alan’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ, and even worse, his eyes are fixed on another. How could committing murder be easier than falling in love?

Now Rachel’s set on winning Alan’s heart before she’s pulled out of Washington. If that means cracking open the Bible and getting to know this Jesus Christ fellow, than so be it.

RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance and is blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Last edited by OneChoice1 on July 9th, 2010, 4:16 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by Emily J » July 7th, 2010, 11:40 am

OneChoice1 wrote:Thank you Meredith for pointing out the things you did!


Well I don't know if this is any better, but it's what I have so far.


#...uh, 9


Dear [Agent’s name]:

Rachel McSwain’s always running. From her abusive father, bullets, cops, and now prison. stronger opening for sure, the second sentence is a fragment, I think it works but be aware of it, also I might drop "cops" just a suggestion tho She’s serving a life sentence for murder before she opts for an experimental microchip to be implanted in her brain, rendering her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself. i might break this into two sentences, feels a bit lengthy A thirteen month i would put a hyphen thirteen-month trial period trial period in a remote Washington town will determine if she gets to keep her freedom.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. Her limited tolerance for him is further damaged this is awkwardly worded, tolerance being damaged? be careful your subjects and verbs jive when Alan wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Rachel has no desire to hear about Calvary or resurrections. Alan’s persistent, but instead of opening up to Jesus, Rachel keeps getting lost in Alan’s turquoise eyes. i thought she had limited tolerance for him?

At first, Rachel thinks of her attraction as a silly little crush, but when she loses her temper and hits one of Alan’s admirers, she’s forced to acknowledge her feelings for what they are. one of Alan's admirers? feels writerly to me, not natural or genuine Her situation gets as serious as the distress from the microchip, this doesn't work for me, feels forced and again, over-written, also could you focus more on the microchip? does experiencing acute pain expose the experiment to the public? what are the ramifications, physical political etc etc and she decides to take a chance on love. take a chance on love is a cliche, sorry But Alan’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ, and even worse, his eyes are fixed on another. How could committing murder be easier than falling in love? wait what? i still feel like the convicted murderer aspect is a bit swept under the rug so this sentence feels jarring, not to mention that rhetorical questions are a BIG no no for many agents

Now Rachel’s set on winning Alan’s heart before she’s pulled out of Washington. If that means cracking open the Bible and getting to know this Jesus Christ fellow, fellow? i think you can pick a better word than then not than so be it.

RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance and is blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
I am being tough on you I know! This is miles better than the earlier version I read. Still, I think there is still room for improvement. You have definitely tied things together more effectively, but there are definitely spots that feel over-written, the diction especially is off-putting at times. (Not a hard thing to change btw) And I still feel that because RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance, you may want to include some evidence of Rachel developing a relationship with God. But that is just a suggestion.

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Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Post by OneChoice1 » July 9th, 2010, 4:08 am

Thanks Emily J for being stern with me. Hopefully my rewrites get better and better. Obviously I'm not quitting.

With that said,


*This is #10*


Dear [Agent’s name]:

Rachel McSwain’s always running--from her abusive father, bullets, and now prison. She’s serving a life sentence for murder before she opts for an experimental microchip to be implanted in her brain. No longer will Rachel be able to physically harm anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself. She embarks on a thirteen-month trial period in a remote Washington town to keep her freedom.

A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. Her tolerance for him is further repressed when this selfless daredevil wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Rachel has no desire to hear about Calvary or resurrections, but Alan’s persistent. Instead of welcoming in Jesus, Rachel finds herself looking forward to her encounters with Alan.

Rachel distances herself to tackle this silly little crush, and all's well until she loses her temper and hits a floozy who has the hots for Alan. The distress from her microchip causes a seizure and knocks her unconscious, leaving others to assume she has epilepsy. Rachel wakes up to Alan praying for her, and his tears help her decide he’s worth taking a chance on. But Alan’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ, and even worse, his eyes are fixed on another. Falling in love seems to be trickier than actually getting away with murder.

Now Rachel’s set on winning Alan’s heart before she’s pulled out of Washington. If that means cracking open the Bible and getting to know this Jesus Christ fella, then so be it. Never did it cross her mind that getting deeper into God’s word would make her struggle with who she is and who she could be. Rachel thought she was strong enough to face anything, but the light...it burns.

RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance and is blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Last edited by OneChoice1 on July 14th, 2010, 9:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Jesus loves.

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