Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Posted: **June 21st, 2010, 5:38 pm**

Thanks for the help. I have hard skin - lay it on me.

THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN is a chick-lit, urban fantasy, completed at 88,000 words.

One day I'm fifty-eight - the next day I'm a vampire looking twenty-five, and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action. What a mess.

When you pray for something, be specific. Expand on 'how' you think your requests would best suit your needs. And for God's sake, make a list of 'don'ts' and go over them with Him. In detail. Don't go off willy-nilly on a praying tangent.

In my case, the 'don'ts' would have been especially helpful. I should have said outright that I didn't want to live for an eternity sucking blood for sustenance. No. Stupid me. I merely asked to live a long healthy life and hinted (not even hinted, really; it was just a side thought) that I wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge I possessed today. And if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, I certainly wouldn't complain.

Well, He answered my prayers, alright. That's when things went from down right crazy…

…to a shit-load of undead family members.

My older daughter, completely happy with her mortal life, tried to reason with the rest of the girls. Did they listen? Hell no! I looked twenty-five years younger…

…they looked…well…old…

…a domino effect quickly ensued.

We soon found out feedin' ain't easy.

My sister - a real pain in my ass BTW - turned a raccoon into a vampoon. Talk about screwing up the whole eco-system!

My vamped-out eighty-three year old mother, mixing blood with pleasure, began to seize, with gusto, the moments she'd missed in her sexually deficient life. Trouble is, she lost a few along the way.

That's when we got the attention of the Morizzio Cartel, and they sent Paul the resident Werewolf to our door with a warning. The big bad wolf phased into human form right in front of us - damn, he was sexy naked.

We were finally shown the error of our ways - being immortal wasn't all about vanity. Go figure.

Being sentenced to an eternity of immortal critter control wasn't what I'd fanged up for, either.

Posted: **June 21st, 2010, 6:08 pm**

You certainly bring humor and a bit of new life to this suddenly modern genre, but this reader isn't sure if this is a query or a sketch. At about 365 words, some might think it too long and an agent may repeat may not appreciate your approach. That being said, with a bit of judicious editing this could become a wonderfully funny and eye-catching query. My suggestions include:

suesan0814 wrote:THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN is a chick-lit, urban fantasy, completed at 88,000 words.

One day I'm fifty-eight - the next day I'm a vampire looking twenty-five, and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action. What a mess.
Meaning the female family members want to be vampires so they can be eternally young? But still a nice "hook" opening imho.

When you pray for something, be specific. Expand on 'how' you think your requests would best suit your needs. Andfor God's sake, make a list of 'don'ts' and go over them with Him. In detail. Don't go off willy-nilly on a praying tangent.
Big grain of salt time here, because I am no horror aficionado, but God made her a vampire? I thought vampires made other vampires, but, hey, I'm male and 57, so the vampire legend(s) may have passed me by at light speed in the past ten years.

In my case, the 'don'ts' would have been especially helpful. I should have said outright that I didn't want to live for an eternity sucking blood for sustenance. No. Stupid me. I merely asked to live a long healthy life and hinted (not even hinted, really; it was just a side thought) that I wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge I possessed today. And if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, I certainly wouldn't complain.
combine and shorten paragraphs 2 & 3

Well, He answered my prayers, alright. That's when things went from down right crazy…

…to a shit-load of undead family members.

My older daughter, completely happy with her mortal life, tried to reason with the rest of the girls. Did they listen? Hell no! I looked twenty-five years younger…

…they looked…well…old…

…a domino effect quickly ensued.
Meaning God now made all the female members of the family into vampires? Did they start praying, too, or was this just collateral damage due to Mom's prayers?

We soon found out feedin' ain't easy.

My sister - a real pain in my ass BTW - turned a raccoon into a vampoon. Talk about screwing up the whole eco-system!
Not sure what this has to do with problems of feeding. And my lack of vampire knowledge may be showing, but your vampires can transform other living things into, well, something else altogether different?

My vamped-out eighty-three year old mother, mixing blood with pleasure, began to seize, with gusto, the moments she'd missed in her sexually deficient life. Trouble is, she lost a few along the way.
Lost a few what? moments? This is getting to be a bit of a character listing, from my perspective.

That's when we got the attention of the Morizzio Cartel, and they sent Paul the resident Werewolf to our door with a warning. The big bad wolf phased into human form right in front of us - damn, he was sexy naked.
imho, this is telling the story, not querying the story, but at least now you have revealed the major complication.

We were finally shown the error of our ways - being immortal wasn't all about vanity. Go figure.

Being sentenced to an eternity of immortal critter control wasn't what I'd fanged up for, either.
critter control? not sure where that came from. And is it Paul / Morrizzio Cartel who passed this sentence?

Although I do not follow the genre, it certainly would seem that it is ready for a send-up such as yours. Hopefully, my comments might be of some help.
good luck!
John

Posted: **June 21st, 2010, 6:42 pm**

I love the hilarious concept and the droll voice. I think having a whole family get turned, mainly for vanity, is cool and the fact that your main character starts out 58 is nice and unique. And nice job on all the puns.

Maybe an agent won't care, but this doesn't really follow the "rules" of a typical query. They are usually third person and they are usually tight 2-3 paragraph pitches. I suggest condensing it and changing the POV. Finally, I think the last line should represent the main conflict. Here it is a little generalized (though funny!).

Also, you never mention the main character's name. I'll just go with "Susan". Here's what I mean, but I think it can be condensed further.

suesan0814 wrote:
THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN is a chick-lit, urban fantasy, completed at 88,000 words.

One day Susan is fifty-eight - the next day she's a vampire looking twenty-five, and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action. What a mess.

When you pray for something, be specific. Expand on 'how' you think your requests would best suit your needs. And for God's sake, make a list of 'don'ts' and go over them with Him. In detail. Don't go off willy-nilly on a praying tangent. In Susan's case, the 'don'ts' would have been especially helpful. She should have said outright that she didn't want to live for an eternity sucking blood for sustenance. No. Stupid Susan. She merely asked to live a long healthy life and hinted (not even hinted, really; it was just a side thought) that she wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge she possessed today. And if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, she certainly wouldn't complain.

Well, He answered Susan's prayers, alright. That's when things went from down right crazy to a shit-load of undead family members. My older daughter, completely happy with her mortal life, tried to reason with the rest of the girls. Did they listen? Hell no! Susan looked twenty-five years younger. They looked, well, old. A domino effect quickly ensued.

Susan's family soon found out feedin' ain't easy. Her sister - a real pain in my ass BTW - turned a raccoon into a vampoon. Talk about screwing up the whole eco-system! Her vamped-out eighty-three year old mother, mixing blood with pleasure, began to seize, with gusto, the moments she'd missed in her sexually deficient life. Trouble is, she lost a few along the way. That's when the clan got the attention of the Morizzio Cartel, and they sent Paul the resident Werewolf to our door with a warning. The big bad wolf phased into human form right in front of Susan - damn, he was sexy naked.

We were finally shown the error of our ways - being immortal wasn't all about vanity. Go figure.

Being sentenced to an eternity of immortal critter control wasn't what I'd fanged up for, either. These last lines are a bit vague. I would nail down a specific conflict. What is the real problem with being immortal? Why is not what they thought it would be?

Posted: **June 21st, 2010, 6:52 pm**

I’m new at critiquing other peoples work, so please take what I say with an extra grain of salt. That said, I found your query very entertaining to read. It makes the book sound like fun. I don’t know anything about the genre, but I have a few comments.

THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN is a chick-lit, urban fantasy, completed at 88,000 words.

One day I'm fifty-eight - the next day I'm a vampire looking twenty-five, and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action. What a mess. I didn’t understand this at first. Looking back it makes sense, but originally I didn’t get what piece of the action was referring to. Did they want favors from her now like someone who had won the lottery? Maybe though that’s just my youth talking.
When you pray for something, be specific. Expand on 'how' you think your requests would best suit your needs. And for God's sake, make a list of 'don'ts' and go over them with Him. Who is Him and why is it capital? I assume it’s a specific guy, but something more might be nice. In detail. Don't go off willy-nilly on a praying tangent. Though this paragraph his funny, but you probably don’t need it if you simply tweak the next paragraph a little.

In my case, the 'don'ts' would have been especially helpful. I should have said outright that I didn't want to live for an eternity sucking blood for sustenance. No. Stupid me. I merely asked to live a long healthy life and hinted (not even hinted, really; it was just a side thought) that I wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge I possessed today. And if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, I certainly wouldn't complain.

Well, He answered my prayers, alright. That's when things went from down right crazy…

…to a shit-load of undead family members.

My older daughter, completely happy with her mortal life, tried to reason with the rest of the girls. Did they listen? Hell no! I looked twenty-five years younger…

…they looked…well…old…

…a domino effect quickly ensued.

We soon found out feedin' ain't easy.
I’ve never read a query letter with a structure like this before. I assume it’s on purpose to stand out, though it does it seems like these one line paragraphs might go on a bit long.

My sister - a real pain in my ass BTW at 58 she’s got texting slang down? - turned a raccoon into a vampoon. Personally I think it would be cute, that is if it wasn’t completely terrifying or got loose. Talk about screwing up the whole eco-system!

My vamped-out eighty-three year old mother, mixing blood with pleasure, began to seize, with gusto, there seem to be a lot of short clarifying bits in here. the moments she'd missed in her sexually deficient life. Trouble is, she lost a few along the way. I like this understated line.

That's when we got the attention of the Morizzio Cartel, and they sent Paul the resident Werewolf to our door with a warning. The big bad wolf phased into human form right in front of us - damn, he was sexy naked.

We were finally shown the error of our ways - being immortal wasn't all about vanity. Go figure.

Being sentenced to an eternity of immortal critter control wasn't what I'd fanged up for, either. I’m not sure what immortal critter control is, though I assume it has something to do with other vamps and stuff I’m not sure it doesn’t have to do with vampoons and such. Maybe this bit could go in a paragraph one the one above. The flow might be a little better that way.

A few other things I notice. Where are the woman’s husbands? With several generations are none of them around? I understand why it might slow down your query with that information, but it does feel a little odd that men in the family wouldn’t want to be young and powerful too.

It also seems that you could flesh out the conflict between the heroine (I just realized you never mention her name) and Paul. Or just talk a little about her internal conflict with what has happened to her. The external conflict seems well laid out and interesting, but I don’t real get a sense of how she is dealing with any of the deeper issues become a vampire might involve.

Then again, I have advice on what to add, but in some ways your query is a little long. I don’t know if it would work, but you might be able to get more across in a shorter time if you don’t write the whole query in first person.

Over all I enjoyed the query. Best of luck with getting it published. I’d be curious to read it.

Posted: **June 21st, 2010, 9:43 pm**

From what I've read, querying from your character's perspective (or, as your character) can be tricky. You'll have to catch the right agent in the right mood.

That having been said, there are things about you character's voice that I like. However, for me, a little goes a long way. At close to 400 words I felt the voice was getting a bit too much. For me, it comes across as trying a bit too hard. You have some good material here. Personally, I suggest toning it down.

suesan0814 wrote:THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN is a chick-lit, urban fantasy, completed at 88,000 words.

I've read query-writing books that say put this at the top of the query and others that say at the bottom. Given the strength of your voice, I'd recommend moving it to the end.

Also, "completed" is unnecessary. You don't query on incomplete work.

The title is catchy, but at bit too catchy for me. (Again, it reads to me like you're trying too hard) Parodying one band and another performer's song strikes me as overkill. However, if you're happy with it, stick with it.

suesan0814 wrote:One day I'm fifty-eight - the next day I'm a vampire looking twenty-five, and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action. What a mess.

One day she's 58 and the next she's... still 58. She just looks 25.

"and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action" They want a piece of what action? They all want to be vampires?

suesan0814 wrote:When you pray for something, be specific. Expand on 'how' you think your requests would best suit your needs. And for God's sake, make a list of 'don'ts' and go over them with Him. In detail. Don't go off willy-nilly on a praying tangent. In my case, the 'don'ts' would have been especially helpful. I should have said outright that I didn't want to live for an eternity sucking blood for sustenance. No. Stupid me. I merely asked to live a long healthy life

This harkens back to the two "Bedazzled" films. Nebbish male character makes a deal with the devil to get the girl of his dreams. Only the devil twists every wish into an impossible situation for the male lead.

How is being a vampire considered "healthy"? I'll give you the devil trying to mess up her wishes, but I don't get any feeling for what she actually wished for. As a result, I don't know if I should sympathize with her or feel like she got what she deserved.

suesan0814 wrote:and hinted (not even hinted, really; it was just a side thought) that I wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge I possessed today. And if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, I certainly wouldn't complain.

How can she have "hinted" at such a complex thought?

suesan0814 wrote:Well, He answered my prayers, alright. That's when things went from down right crazy…

…to a shit-load of undead family members.

My older daughter, completely happy with her mortal life, tried to reason with the rest of the girls. Did they listen? Hell no! I looked twenty-five years younger…

…they looked…well…old…

…a domino effect quickly ensued.

Take a look at this for ellipses usage: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx

This would be stronger as a single paragraph. I know you're trying to use the ellipses as a pause for comedic effect, but they draw too much attention to themselves.

suesan0814 wrote:We soon found out feedin' ain't easy.

How? Why? Isn't there a whole world full of undead just waiting to be attacked?

suesan0814 wrote:My sister - a real pain in my ass BTW - turned a raccoon into a vampoon. Talk about screwing up the whole eco-system!

My vamped-out eighty-three year old mother, mixing blood with pleasure, began to seize, with gusto, the moments she'd missed in her sexually deficient life. Trouble is, she lost a few along the way.

To me, this is where a a good voice working a very popular theme tips the scales. A vampoon? To me, you've gone from comedic into the absurd and I'm not sure if that's intentional or if your writing has gotten away from you.

Without the Vampoon, the mother becomes an interesting twist (although I have no idea what you're referring to when you write "she lost a few along the way")

suesan0814 wrote:That's when we got the attention of the Morizzio Cartel, and they sent Paul the resident Werewolf to our door with a warning. The big bad wolf phased into human form right in front of us - damn, he was sexy naked.

How/Why did they catch the attention of organized crime? And even if they had a werewolf, sending him out when he might transform back would just be sloppy.

suesan0814 wrote:We were finally shown the error of our ways

Literally, showing, not telling. I have no idea what you mean here.

suesan0814 wrote: - being immortal wasn't all about vanity. Go figure.

Again, this is confusing. You're almost sounding preachy through the vagueness.

suesan0814 wrote:Being sentenced to an eternity of immortal critter control wasn't what I'd fanged up for, either.

Good to end on a strong pun -- but I don't get the "immortal critter control" at all.

As others have already pointed out, I don't know the name of your character. This is an important part of your query and is another reason I would recommend moving away from a query from your main character's voice. Using the same language in a shorter, tighter query would, imho, be much more powerful.

You'd also be in a better position to explain how (whoever) she (is) ended up in the circumstances she is in. Another big plus towards building character sympathy.

I like a lot of this and want to like it more. I'm very interested to read a re-write.

Posted: **June 21st, 2010, 9:44 pm**

I'm not certain what this is about, but I would DEFINITELY ask for a partial! And a vampoon for a pet.

Posted: **June 21st, 2010, 10:38 pm**

J. T. SHEA wrote:I'm not certain what this is about, but I would DEFINITELY ask for a partial! And a vampoon for a pet.

This actually brings up two additional points for me:

1. I don't have a clear idea of what the storyline is. I don't get a sense of what your main character wants, what is getting in her way/what conflicts she has to overcome, where the stakes are getting raised. (no mild pun intended)

2. You refer to this as "a chick-lit, urban fantasy" but the Vampoon seems to cross the line into broad comedy. The chick-lit I've read has elements of comedy, but not this much. Should "comedy" be included in your genre description?

Posted: **June 21st, 2010, 10:50 pm**

fivecats wrote:
2. You refer to this as "a chick-lit, urban fantasy" but the Vampoon seems to cross the line into broad comedy. The chick-lit I've read has elements of comedy, but not this much. Should "comedy" be included in your genre description?

Actually, chick-lit is generally comedic, so I think she's right here in the genre description. Undead and Unwed is another chick-lit urban fantasy. If it's not comedic than people use the more generic term "women's fiction".

Posted: **June 22nd, 2010, 7:28 am**

THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN is a chick-lit, urban fantasy, completed at 88,000 words.
I disagree with the others who say you shouldn't include the completed part here. Agents like to know a work is completed and even though you're not supposed to query an unfinished work, the last thing they want is to request a partial and find out it hasn't even been started.

One day I'm fifty-eight - the next day I'm a vampire looking twenty-five, and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action. What a mess.
This is cliche, maybe you could reword it to 'wants a bite of the action' to keep with your puns.

When you pray for something, be specific. Expand on 'how' you think your requests would best suit your needs. And for God's sake, make a list of 'don'ts' and go over them with Him. In detail. Don't go off willy-nilly on a praying tangent.
I don't think it matters 'how' living a long and happy life would suit her needs. It's pretty self explanatory. i think this can be cut.

In my case, the 'don'ts' would have been especially helpful. I should have said outright that I didn't want to live for an eternity sucking blood for sustenance. No. Stupid me. I merely asked to live a long healthy life and hinted (not even hinted, really; it was just a side thought) that I wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge I possessed today. And if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, I certainly wouldn't complain.
I like this last sentence. Good voice.

Well, He answered my prayers, alright. That's when things went from down right crazy…

…to a shit-load of undead family members.

My older daughter, completely happy with her mortal life, tried to reason with the rest of the girls. Did they listen? Hell no! I looked twenty-five years younger…

…they looked…well…old…

…a domino effect quickly ensued.

We soon found out feedin' ain't easy.
How?

My sister - a real pain in my ass BTW - turned a raccoon into a vampoon. Talk about screwing up the whole eco-system!

My vamped-out eighty-three year old mother, mixing blood with pleasure, began to seize, with gusto, the moments she'd missed in her sexually deficient life. Trouble is, she lost a few along the way.
A few moments? A few partners? I think that in attempting brevity here you are lacking clarity.

That's when we got the attention of the Morizzio Cartel, and they sent Paul the resident Werewolf to our door with a warning. The big bad wolf phased into human form right in front of us - damn, he was sexy naked.
This to me, sounds like the crucial conflict of the story and you've condensed it into a paragraph. The family problems sound fun but in the scheme of things I think you'd be better off to condense those paragraphs and expand on the real focus. That way the last sentence could be elaborated.

We were finally shown the error of our ways - being immortal wasn't all about vanity. Go figure.

Being sentenced to an eternity of immortal critter control wasn't what I'd fanged up for, either.

I have to agree that it's a little disconcerting not knowing the characters name. There's no one to become attached to but a voice with leaves the reader feeling lost. Try a rewrite in third person and then just chose which appeals most to you. it will be hard to get an agent's interest is first person but i daresay it's not impossible.

Posted: **June 22nd, 2010, 8:23 am**

wilderness wrote:
fivecats wrote:
2. You refer to this as "a chick-lit, urban fantasy" but the Vampoon seems to cross the line into broad comedy. The chick-lit I've read has elements of comedy, but not this much. Should "comedy" be included in your genre description?
Actually, chick-lit is generally comedic, so I think she's right here in the genre description. Undead and Unwed is another chick-lit urban fantasy. If it's not comedic than people use the more generic term "women's fiction".

i stand corrected. thanks, wilderness!

Posted: **June 22nd, 2010, 10:39 am**

Thanks so much - reading all the wonderful comments. BRB

Posted: **June 22nd, 2010, 11:18 am**

Tried to put this in earlier and it didn't take - so if it shows up twice - chalk it up to my waxing and waning brain cells. And as long as I'm trying again, I might as well edit it a bit. Have I mentioned that I am a wordy bitch? You probably got that from the 364 word Query. You should see the synopsis!

I'm doing the happy dance! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks so much for all of the in-depth reviews. I am so excited about comments and suggestions. I need to hit the pay-back, guys. So watch for me.

I copied and pasted all of these in a word doc so I can play with the query… again. And I will repost when I finish it ('Finish', Right? We can only hope. Christ, I have changed this so many times. ha!)

I'll try the POV change, Wilderness, thanks for all the work you did - I can copy and paste! Woo-hoo! BTW - Susan IS the MC's name. LOL

Heather, I'm definitely using your suggestions as to what my mother lost as she sucked those hotties dry!

Love this, Fivecats: One day she's 58 and the next she's... still 58. She just looks 25. (oh yeah! That's perfect! I'ts goin' in!))

J.T. Shea said,"I'm not certain what this is about, but I would DEFINITELY ask for a partial! And a vampoon for a pet." Awaaa-hahahah - They bite! Big time! Ask my sister - her new water-bra is toast! You made me smile, JT.

Bigheadx, your comments are near and dear to my heart because I want to market to those that do not read chick-lit, or fantasy as well as those that do.

Hope I don't disappoint you guys with the rewrite; I will be looking for your responses. Ya'll Rock!

Susan

Posted: **June 24th, 2010, 1:08 am**

Hey susan!! I stopped by here and saw your query and you know how much I love Susan and the ladies!!!!!

THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN is a chick-lit, urban fantasy, completed at 88,000 words. move to the end

One day I'm fifty-eight - the next day I'm a vampire looking twenty-five, and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action. What a mess. I really liked the rewrite fivecats suggested

When you pray for something, be specific. Expand on 'how' you think your requests would best suit your needs. And for God's sake, make a list of 'don'ts' and go over them with Him. In detail. Don't go off willy-nilly on a praying tangent. This makes it seem like God is granting her wish but if I'm remembering the opening right Susan wasn't thinking of God :)

In my case, the 'don'ts' would have been especially helpful. I should have said outright that I didn't want to live for an eternity sucking blood for sustenance. No. Stupid me. I merely asked to live a long healthy life and hinted (not even hinted, really; it was just a side thought) that I wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge I possessed today. A and if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, I certainly wouldn't complain.

Well, He answered my prayers, alright. That's when things went from down right crazy to a shit-load of undead family members.

My older daughter, completely happy with her mortal life, tried to reason with the rest of the girls. Did they listen? Hell no! I looked twenty-five years younger andthey looked…well,old. A domino effect quickly ensued.

My vamped-out eighty-three year old mother, mixing blood with pleasure, began to seize, with gusto, the moments she'd missed in her sexually deficient life. Trouble is, she lost a few along the way. I think you need to clarify that the few she lost along the way were the men she was diddling! when you think of word count you may want to look at this part because even though Nanna is hilarious and this really shows your voice and tone of the book it's not a lot of the plot.

We soon found out feedin' ain't easy when my sister - a real pain in my ass BTW - turned a raccoon into a vampoon. Talk about screwing up the whole eco-system! I moved this down because it's really the vampoon that attracts Marcus and Dorius's attention although Nanna's sexual victims also did

That's when we got the attention of the Morizzio Cartel, and they sent Paul the resident Werewolf to our door with a warning. The big bad wolf phased into human form right in front of us - damn, he was sexy naked. I'm thinking you may want to add in a bit about Marcus, otherwise it'll seem like Paul is a love interest for Susan

We were finally shown the error of our ways - being immortal wasn't all about vanity. Go figure.

Being sentenced to an eternity of immortal critter control wasn't what I'd fanged up for, either. I do like the part about being immortal wasn't all about vanity but it kind of seems like your summing up the lesson of the book. As for the critter control I'd scratch that since they don't actually get recruited until the very end of the book, leading into the second book
You may want to mention in your final paragraph that this is the first in a trilogy or series and that you are revising the second book and have outlined the third.

:) Ang

Posted: **June 24th, 2010, 12:04 pm**

alegna200@yahoo.com wrote:Hey susan!! I stopped by here and saw your query and you know how much I love Susan and the ladies!!!!!

suesan0814 wrote:THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN is a chick-lit, urban fantasy, completed at 88,000 words. move to the end

One day I'm fifty-eight - the next day I'm a vampire looking twenty-five, and every estrogen producing family member wants a piece of the action. What a mess. I really liked the rewrite fivecats suggested

When you pray for something, be specific. Expand on 'how' you think your requests would best suit your needs. And for God's sake, make a list of 'don'ts' and go over them with Him. In detail. Don't go off willy-nilly on a praying tangent. This makes it seem like God is granting her wish but if I'm remembering the opening right Susan wasn't thinking of God :)

In my case, the 'don'ts' would have been especially helpful. I should have said outright that I didn't want to live for an eternity sucking blood for sustenance. No. Stupid me. I merely asked to live a long healthy life and hinted (not even hinted, really; it was just a side thought) that I wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge I possessed today. A and if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, I certainly wouldn't complain.

Well, He answered my prayers, alright. That's when things went from down right crazy to a shit-load of undead family members.

My older daughter, completely happy with her mortal life, tried to reason with the rest of the girls. Did they listen? Hell no! I looked twenty-five years younger andthey looked…well,old. A domino effect quickly ensued.

My vamped-out eighty-three year old mother, mixing blood with pleasure, began to seize, with gusto, the moments she'd missed in her sexually deficient life. Trouble is, she lost a few along the way. I think you need to clarify that the few she lost along the way were the men she was diddling! when you think of word count you may want to look at this part because even though Nanna is hilarious and this really shows your voice and tone of the book it's not a lot of the plot.

We soon found out feedin' ain't easy when my sister - a real pain in my ass BTW - turned a raccoon into a vampoon. Talk about screwing up the whole eco-system! I moved this down because it's really the vampoon that attracts Marcus and Dorius's attention although Nanna's sexual victims also did

That's when we got the attention of the Morizzio Cartel, and they sent Paul the resident Werewolf to our door with a warning. The big bad wolf phased into human form right in front of us - damn, he was sexy naked. I'm thinking you may want to add in a bit about Marcus, otherwise it'll seem like Paul is a love interest for Susan

We were finally shown the error of our ways - being immortal wasn't all about vanity. Go figure.

Being sentenced to an eternity of immortal critter control wasn't what I'd fanged up for, either. I do like the part about being immortal wasn't all about vanity but it kind of seems like your summing up the lesson of the book. As for the critter control I'd scratch that since they don't actually get recruited until the very end of the book, leading into the second book
You may want to mention in your final paragraph that this is the first in a trilogy or series and that you are revising the second book and have outlined the third.

:) Ang

Thanks so much Ang. I have made a lot of changes to the main query. I need to post it here. And I also mention the other two novels as well. Just didn't put in all the intro and ending stuff here. I did get two requests for partials and one full! Weeeeeeeeeeee! Wish me luck!

Posted: **June 24th, 2010, 12:53 pm**

You've got some good advice so I won't try to mess that up. I agree you would have to catch an agent in just the right mood since it doesn't read like the usual query and being in first person is discouraged. But all that said....I'm 58. Are they adopting?

Nathan Bransford - The Forums

The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: Thanks for the help. I have hard skin - lay it on me.

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Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein