Query: YA Fantasy

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
melgo
Posts: 5
Joined: August 10th, 2021, 12:40 am
Contact:

Query: YA Fantasy

Post by melgo » August 12th, 2021, 11:55 am

sos! i have two versions that i can't decide between and they're both too long but i can't figure out what to cut out

QUERY 1
Seventeen-year-old Sophia Altus has the power to control one of the seven Elements, but she has no control over her own destiny. The irony would’ve made her laugh if she wasn’t about to destroy the entire world against her will.

She’s an Elementale who can control Ice, born to defend the mortal world against hellbeasts. Her own world, Asteri, is the so-called Elementale safe haven.

Until Viperi kill the Queen. Aka Sophia’s mother. And considering the ugly, wolflike creatures have the intelligence and grace of an ostrich, there’s no way they did it without Elementale help.

With her dying breath, the Queen sends Sophia to the Elementale academy in the mortal world for safety. Sophia is resolute: find who’s responsible and kill them. In her quest, she meets a team that becomes family she would sacrifice anything for. Except the family also includes the Dark King’s son, an angel in looks only who she’s a little wary of and a lot attracted to.

And then an ultimatum is thrust in her face by her mother’s self-proclaimed killer. She must hand herself over - the last key in his seriously deranged plan to destroy the mortal world - or sign the death warrant on everyone she loves. Sophia must delve into his past and her own to defeat him before she’s forced to decide if anything really means anything - and how much humanity she’s willing to lose in the process.

A debut fantasy novel for young adults, FROSTBITE is complete at 95,000 words. Fans of Cassandra Clare’s Lady Midnight and Margaret Rogerson’s Sorcery of Thorns will enjoy similar fantasy elements and a strong, female protagonist.



QUERY 2:
Sophia Altus is resolute: she must find her mother’s murderer and kill them. No one harms her family and lives.

An Elementale with control over Ice, her extensive training to defend the mortal world against hellbeasts means she’s well-versed in the art of killing anyway. In fact, it might be the thing she’s best at - except she couldn’t even kill that godforsaken creature before it tore through her mother. The designated Stupidest Thing on Earth shouldn’t even have been able to get into the Palace in the first place, much less kill the Queen. Which means there’s an Elementale involved and oh would Sophia like to get her hands on them.

She only plans to ask two things when she does: why and how would you like to die?

Except when she finds him, she almost wishes she hadn’t. Because finding him means learning that she’s his endgame - not her mother whose death, by the way, she’s responsible for. Finding him means having to delve into his past and her own - two things she’d rather not do. Finding him means receiving an ultimatum that will destroy her because family means everything to her and she will sacrifice anything for them - but what if the stakes are the entire mortal world?

A debut fantasy novel for young adults, FROSTBITE is complete at 95,000 words. Fans of Cassandra Clare’s Lady Midnight and Margaret Rogerson’s Sorcery of Thorns will enjoy similar fantasy elements and a strong female protagonist.

katemargaret
Posts: 5
Joined: July 5th, 2021, 7:45 am
Contact:

Re: Query: YA Fantasy

Post by katemargaret » October 20th, 2021, 5:07 am

Hi! I'm working on my query as well, it's so hard to get everything in without being too detailed in the story line! I really like the opening of Query 2, it shows off Sophia's strength and gives us her mission/conflict. I think some things could be more concise, there's a lot of description that isn't really necessary. I would use a blend of both queries and structure it like this:

1. opening line from Query 2
2. She’s an Elementale who can control Ice, born to defend the mortal world against hellbeasts. Does she return from the mortal world to get revenge? if so, then say that she returns to Asteri, an Elementale safe haven, to begin her quest.
3. her mother's killer would have needed help and she suspects an Elementale is involved.
4. she must face her past, fears she will lose her humanity in the process - is she worried that she can't trust the king's son? If so, maybe give some context to the fact that she doesn't know who to trust, especially angelic [son's name].
5. the killer gives her an ultimatum, her family means everything to her and she will sacrifice anything, finish with question from Query 2

I hope that helps! I've got my query posted too, I'd love to hear your feedback. Best of luck!!

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests