Query: YA Historical Fantasy

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Yotekai
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Joined: January 31st, 2020, 3:40 pm
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Query: YA Historical Fantasy

Post by Yotekai » June 27th, 2021, 10:01 pm

HELP PLEASE! I feel this is not engaging enough.

Dear [Agent]:

Kiyomi has been a fugitive since age 7, when in a panic, she made roots snap a man’s neck using only her mind. She is the daughter of a yōkai, an evil spirit. This makes her more dangerous than the village's Warriors, who wield an element of nature with body movements. But when Kiyomi is sent to a new city at age 16, something extraordinary happens: after years of silence, her father finally stands up for her safety, and he is murdered for it.

But who killed him? Kiyomi suspects Masamori, the leader of this new city's Warriors. After all, Masamori claims he will train her to serve as a Warrior, which is simply too good to be true. But before she is ready to kill Masamori, she needs proof. She'll have to stay and play along, for now.

However, there are complications. The first is the foreigner being trained with her, Jacob. He helps her investigate her father's murder, treating her like a normal, valuable person. But is his friendship real, or is it part of Masamori's plan to manipulate her? The second is Masamori himself: as Kiyomi soon finds out, there is more to this samurai than a pair of steel swords.

Will Kiyomi bring justice to her father, or will she be murdered herself?

Yōkai is a YA historical fantasy set in Japan circa 1850—imagine Avatar: the Last Airbender with a Sarah Dessen emotional core. It is 100,000 words with series potential.

I am a high school English teacher with a Bachelor’s degree in English literature. My short fiction work was published in the 2020 quarterly edition of the Christian Life publication from Union Gospel Press.

As per the submission guidelines, I have attached this and that and would love to send the complete manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

NAME

melgo
Posts: 5
Joined: August 10th, 2021, 12:40 am
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Re: Query: YA Historical Fantasy

Post by melgo » August 10th, 2021, 1:23 am

Hello,

First things first, I think this is a great query. You set up the setting and plot really nicely. However, there are a couple things you should think about.

First: rhythm. You want to start off your query with as much of a punch as possible - meaning succinct sentences. Personally, I’d do something like: Kiyomi [does she have a last name?] has been a fugitive since age 7. In a panic, she accidentally killed a man with just her mind.

Keep this in mind for the rest of the first paragraph as well. You want to keep your sentences short (especially since query letters are usually only 250 words).

Additionally, try to develop Masamori more - flesh him out into a three dimensional character. Hint at some kind of motive. I was also confused about why she suspected him in the first place.

And emphasize stakes as much as possible. You mention that there’s a possibility the MC could die. Is there more?

Good job so far and best of luck!

melgo
Posts: 5
Joined: August 10th, 2021, 12:40 am
Contact:

Re: Query: YA Historical Fantasy

Post by melgo » August 10th, 2021, 1:31 am

Hello,

First things first, I think this is a great query. You set up the setting and plot really nicely. However, there are a couple things you should think about.

First: rhythm. You want to start off your query with as much of a punch as possible - meaning succinct sentences. Personally, I’d do something like: Kiyomi [does she have a last name?] has been a fugitive since age 7. In a panic, she accidentally killed a man with just her mind.

Keep this in mind for the rest of the first paragraph as well. You want to keep your sentences short (especially since query letters are usually only 250 words).

Additionally, try to develop Masamori more - flesh him out into a three dimensional character. Hint at some kind of motive. I was also confused about why she suspected him in the first place.

And emphasize stakes as much as possible. You mention that there’s a possibility the MC could die. Is there more?

Good job so far and best of luck!

sarahroxon
Posts: 1
Joined: September 21st, 2022, 6:15 am
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Re: Query: YA Historical Fantasy

Post by sarahroxon » September 21st, 2022, 6:22 am

I have read the wonderful story from you
Thank you!
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