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Query: YA High Fantasy

Posted: May 9th, 2021, 8:05 pm
by jstoj
Dear [Agent],
I am writing to seek representation for Light Breaker Book One: The Starlight Sword, my debut young adult fantasy novel. The Starlight Sword is about 106,000 words and the first in a planned series.
Six years ago, the Hero of Radiance, chosen by the gods, killed the Demon King who had terrorized the human Lucrian nations.
Now, in those nations, the hero's apprentice, Theo, struggles to fill his mentor's shoes. As he begins taking on more responsibility, however, it becomes evident that he is underprepared, and that he has not been told the whole truth about the war and the demons.
In Yun, the land of the so-called demons, the Demon King's daughter, Shiren, does her best to leave her past behind and live in peace. But the hero's allies consider their work unfinished as long as she lives, and her attempts to evade them only paint a target on her back.
Amidst all of this, the two discover that the conflict is less over than either of them would like to believe.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
[signature]

Re: Query: YA High Fantasy

Posted: June 15th, 2021, 8:14 pm
by informalhospital
Hello,

The biggest thing that jumps out to me is your query doesn't feel specific enough. I feel like I am getting the gist of high fantasy, and not your particular story/sense of stakes. Here is what I mean:

Now, in those nations, the hero's apprentice, Theo, struggles to fill his mentor's shoes.

Wording is a little awkward. I would probably start the sentence with the character's name and then give the quick description of who he is, but the real issue comes up in your next line.

As he begins taking on more responsibility, however, it becomes evident that he is underprepared, and that he has not been told the whole truth about the war and the demons.

What is more responsibility? How is he underprepared? What is the whole truth? Of course, you shouldn't say what the truth is right here, but one specific hint would be helpful. I have the same feedback when you introduce Shiren. I'm not sure what she's doing now, what the problem is, and what's at stake for her.

I think the bones of your query are a good start, I would add more information in throughout! Best of luck!

Re: Query: YA High Fantasy

Posted: June 26th, 2021, 8:55 pm
by jstoj
Thanks for the feedback. I'll do my best to work on your suggestions.