Query Fantasy: The Son of Ashes

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v2acnam
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Joined: February 9th, 2021, 5:51 pm
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Query Fantasy: The Son of Ashes

Post by v2acnam » February 9th, 2021, 6:51 pm

Hey everyone! I recently just did a massive revision of my query. Let me know what you all think! I also had a short author bio right before the closing line but chose to omit it for this post.

Dear Agent,

I am writing to seek representation for my debut fantasy novel, The Son of Ashes Volume 1: The False King, a complete 104K word Adult Fantasy novel. After doing research, I learned that -insert why I chose the agent-. With that, I believe we would be a good match.

Leon Melstorm, a shut-in and isolated prince, is marked as the realm’s last hope between stability and total chaos.

Leon has lived nearly his entire life locked in the royal palace, often wishing for a chance to adventure and live the exciting life he always dreamed of. But when the figures of the Aithonian throne are unexpectedly massacred and with no one else to turn to, Leon is suddenly piled with the immense responsibility to save the realm that he hardly knows. Seen as incapable, spoiled, and ignorant, he struggles through challenges and tragedies as he tries to prove his worth to himself and to the people that did not know he even existed. The adventure that Leon had wished for will transform him into a hero that will bring stability – or into a villain that brings the chaos he was fighting to prevent.

The Son of Ashes is written as the first volume of a planned series. It has the ability to appeal to fans of George RR Martin’s Game of Thrones, Rick Riordon’s Percy Jackson & The Olympians, fans of The Witcher, and fans of Vikings and The Last Kingdom.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

informalhospital
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Joined: February 20th, 2021, 8:23 am
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Re: Query Fantasy: The Son of Ashes

Post by informalhospital » June 15th, 2021, 8:24 pm

Hello,

I like that you are starting with your protagonist, but I think your query would benefit from more specificity. For example, I am confused by the second line of your query. At first, you say Leon is a shut-in, which makes me think it's his choice to isolate himself, but then in the next line it says he's locked in the palace and wishes for adventure. This throws me for a loop immediately, because now I'm questioning if you just chose the wrong word, or if I am misunderstanding your story.

Seen as incapable, spoiled, and ignorant, he struggles through challenges and tragedies as he tries to prove his worth to himself and to the people that did not know he even existed. The adventure that Leon had wished for will transform him into a hero that will bring stability – or into a villain that brings the chaos he was fighting to prevent.


Here, I would love some specificity to pull me in. What are the challenges and tragedies? Why don't the people know he exists if he's their prince? How would he become a villain? We don't get a sense of who he's fighting, why they killed these figures (I'm assuming other royalty?), or why Leon is liable to become the bad guy. Don't spill everything, but a reader need some details to give context.

Also, just as an FYI, certain agents recommend to stay away from huge authors from your comps. You mention some wildly popular series here, so I just wanted to highlight that for you.

Good luck with your querying!

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