Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Jeanne Bannon wrote:Dear

Please consider representing my novel Darkness Becomes Her. The convention is to put the title in all caps, since e-mail can mess up italics. Also, you may want to add a few agent-specific details to this paragraph (i.e., "I recently read [INSERT ONE OF THE AGENT'S CLIENT'S BOOK TITLES HERE] and thought you might be interested in DARKNESS BECOMES HER").

Darkness Becomes Her is a paranormal thriller of 105,000 words. I'd chop this sentence and add the relevant information (genre, word count) to the previous paragraph (i.e., "Please consider representing my novel DARKNESS BECOMES HER, a paranormal thriller of 105,000 words"). It tells the story of Dane Westwood, a spiritual warrior/vigilante. <--I'd kick this sentence, too, and start the summary with this one (just because the phrase "It tells the story of" adds unnecessary distance between the reader and the summary)--> Dane possesses the ability to not only peer beyond this reality into the world of spirit, but she’s able to see entity attachments in the energy fields of those around her. Dane and her best friend June are dispatched on a mission to save humanity by the mysterious Dark Angel. Who's this Dark Angel? And why does the Dark Angel pick them? And how are they going to save humanity? From a flood? From nuclear holocaust? From a guinea pig invasion? The Dark Angel guides the women, leading them to Costa Rica and a handsome and gifted healer named Gregorio Pappas. Although Gregorio can perform miracles, he is also tangled up in a plot that involves reducing the world’s population. Is this the danger to humanity? If so, I'd state that explicitly. (And whatever the threat to humanity is, I'd state that specifically.) The book culminates with Dane’s decision to abandon June to join the handsome healer in his diabolical plot. She believes she loves him, but it is a power beyond her that’s driving her into Gregorio’s arms and for nefarious reasons.

Presently, I work as a freelance editor and have done so full-time for almost twenty years. I am a former freelance writer with a journalism degree and have published several short stories and articles. This is a great paragraph. Highlights a few writing credits without rambling on or sounding egotistical. Nice job.

You can contact me at any time. I hope my book’s premise has intrigued you. I look forward to your response. I'd snip this entire paragraph and just go with, "Thank you for your time and consideration" (or, if you prefer, "I'd be happy to send a partial or full manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration"). Because the sad truth is, you probably won't ever hear back from at least a few of the agents you query.

Sincerely,

Jeanne Bannon

Jeanne Bannon wrote:Please consider representing my novel Darkness Becomes Her.

I agree with Jeanne, this needs to run as more of a conventional pitch. IE: I am seeking representation for DARKNESS BECOMES HER, a paranormal thriller complete at 105,000 words.

Jeanne Bannon wrote:It tells the story of Dane Westwood, a spiritual warrior/vigilante.

Get right into the grit, and possibly offer personality traits here, because this spiritual warrior and vigilante mix sounds like a Book of Eli character. Don't come off bland. Give her something unique that draws us to her with the snap of the finger.

Jeanne Bannon wrote:she’s able to see entity attachments in the energy fields of those around her.

This is vague, but so very interesting and crucial (I think to the story). It's very difficult to follow the "if the agent has to scoll, it's a rejection" rule, but I would experiment with adding more fat right now. Then cut it down.

Jeanne Bannon wrote:a handsome and gifted healer named Gregorio Pappas. Although Gregorio can perform miracles, he is also tangled up in a plot that involves reducing the world’s population.

The query is not the spot for secondary characters who have motives or plot lines of their own. You are free to introduce and maybe explain a connection to the protagonist, but never I would refrain from revealing his secondary plot point.

Jeanne Bannon wrote:The book culminates with Dane’s decision to abandon June to join the handsome healer in his diabolical plot.

Who is June???

Username wrote:I completely disagree with the post above - you don't have to pay for anything to become a novelist, or to get your work published. If somebody wants money from you, I'd strongly advise you to tell them where to go.

Jeanne Bannon wrote:I've never written a query before so any and all help is appreciated
Thanks in advance!

Dear

Please consider representing my novel Darkness Becomes Her.
The title should be in all caps. But drop this sentence altogether. The agent knows why you're sending them a query.

Darkness Becomes Her is a paranormal thriller of 105,000 words. Move this sentence to the end of the query. It's not the most exciting thing about your story so don't start with it. It tells the story of Dane Westwood, a spiritual warrior/vigilante. I'd delete this sentence and start with the next.Dane possesses the ability to not only peer beyond this reality into the world of spirit, but she’s able to see entity attachments in the energy fields of those around her. I think this needs to be a little more clear. I'm not really sure what "entity attachments" are. Start a new paragraph after you tell us what's special about Dane.Dane and her best friend June are dispatched on a mission to save humanity by the mysterious Dark Angel. Be more specific about exactly how Dane and June are going to save humanity and from what. I'd consider leaving June out of the query. You don't want too many names.The Dark Angel guides the women, leading them to Costa Rica and a handsome and gifted healer named Gregorio Pappas. Although Gregorio can perform miracles, he is also tangled up in a plot that involves reducing the world’s population. The book culminates with Dane’s decision to abandon June to join the handsome healer in his diabolical plot. Don't say how the book ends. That's for the synopsis, not the query. Just state the choice Dane faces and the consequences of that choice.She believes she loves him, but it is a power beyond her that’s driving her into Gregorio’s arms and for nefarious reasons.

Presently, I work as a freelance editor and have done so full-time for almost twenty years. I am a former freelance writer with a journalism degree and have published several short stories and articles.I'd leave out the journalism degree. I'd also pick out one or two of the best short story credits and give them specifically, story title, publication, and date. Article credits probably aren't going to help you with a novel query unless they relate to the story--like articles about Costa Rica or native healers, in this case.

You can contact me at any time. I hope my book’s premise has intrigued you. I look forward to your response.I'd cut this down to just the last sentence. The other two are implied by the fact that you're sending a query. So's the last, actually, put it comes off as a polite closing.

Sincerely,

Jeanne Bannon

Jeanne Bannon wrote:
Please consider representing my novel Darkness Becomes Her.

Darkness Becomes Her is a paranormal thriller of 105,000 words.

It tells the story of Dane Westwood, a spiritual warrior/vigilante.

Dane possesses the ability

to not only peer beyond this reality into the world of spirit, but she’s able to see entity attachments in the energy fields of those around her.

Dane and her best friend June are dispatched on a mission to save humanity by the mysterious Dark Angel.

The Dark Angel guides the women, leading them to Costa Rica

and a handsome and gifted healer named Gregorio Pappas.

Although Gregorio can perform miracles, he is also tangled up in a plot that involves reducing the world’s population.

The book culminates

with Dane’s decision to abandon June to join the handsome healer in his diabolical plot.

She believes she loves him, but it is a power beyond her that’s driving her into Gregorio’s arms and for nefarious reasons.

Presently, I work as a freelance editor and have done so full-time for almost twenty years. I am a former freelance writer with a journalism degree and have published several short stories and articles.

You can contact me at any time. I hope my book’s premise has intrigued you.

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Username wrote:I completely disagree with the post above - you don't have to pay for anything to become a novelist, or to get your work published. If somebody wants money from you, I'd strongly advise you to tell them where to go.

sirfrodo13 wrote:

Username wrote:I completely disagree with the post above - you don't have to pay for anything to become a novelist, or to get your work published. If somebody wants money from you, I'd strongly advise you to tell them where to go.

I'm sorry but I should have specified that the first month is free.This workshop is so simple. Plus, it's $30 for 6 months.

By the way, this workshop has received reviews by numerous agents and editors as one of the best out there. I'll also note that you are essentially saying that the Gotham Writers Workshop is also not worth it, and that is paid and one of the best workshop/conferences in the country.

Not forcing it on this writer, but suggesting she try it. If she doesn't like it after the month, so be it.

suesan0814 wrote:Just wanted to let you know I was by, Jeanne. Since I just reviewed this, I won't copy and paste it here, again. Thanks, for sending me the site. Just uploaded my query yesterday and have already received some great suggestions! (you probably have already reviewed it also, several times. ha!)

Thanks, friend,
Susan