shalgia wrote:Tiffany Bowman’s luck in life is next to nil.
If Tiffany is expecting luck to drive her life, that's part of her problem. It sounds like her story starts when she begins to take responsibility for herself. True?
shalgia wrote:Coming of age
This is a cliché that distances me from the character.
shalgia wrote:meant running away from home, hanging around the wrong crowd, hustling men and excessive partying.
The "hanging around the wrong crowd" and "excessive partying" don't sound like anything Tiffany would say. At the time, Tiffany would say she was "having fun". This sounds more like something a disapproving mother would say.
shalgia wrote:After ducking out on an abusive, drug dealing ex-husband,
I'm not sure "ducking out on" is what you mean here. Tiffany would "duck out on" him if she stole his drugs and money and then left town. Did she do this or did she escape an abusive relationship? Did she realize she needed to get away from the circumstances of her life before they killed her?
shalgia wrote:Tiffany finds herself in a new city with old troubles. Swearing off men and vowing to change her circumstances, Tiffany rolls up her sleeves and focuses on walking the path of the straight and narrow;
"rolls up her sleeves" and "the straight and narrow" are both clichés and diminish all the power of what she's doing.
the semi-colon should be a comma
shalgia wrote:only to find that it too is a winding road of chaos!
"only to find that it
, too, is..."
shalgia wrote:Can a tigress change her stripes?
Tigress? Is there something in her story that makes her think of herself as a Tigress? (If so, show it in your query before using the name!)
"change her stripes" is another cliché.
shalgia wrote:Deception, confusion and manipulation make Tiffany Bowman’s mission as tough as nails to accomplish.
What "Deception, confusion and manipulation"? These are exactly the elements you need to have in your query to illuminate Tiffany's story and make the reader care about her.
shalgia wrote:Throw in two tall, dark and handsome Adonis’ each with agenda’s of their own, and it becomes next to impossible!
What are their agendas? How are they in conflict with Tiffany's? And what happened to her resolve to swear off men?
shalgia wrote:This is the foundation of my newly completed novel,
Since we don't query on incomplete manuscripts, delete "newly completed"
shalgia wrote:Blessed Assurance, a powerful 75,000 word romantic suspense.
Take out "powerful". We all want to believe our writing is powerful, but saying so in a query is frowned on by agents
Your query reads like you've written a standard Romance. Where is the Suspense? Suspense implies mystery -- is there a mystery here you haven't told us about?
shalgia wrote:Blessed Assurance is a novel of personal growth which will be well received by those who enjoy reading about triumph in the face of adversity.
All fiction is, essentially, about personal growth. We read fiction to learn how characters face changes, adjust to them and solve the problems that result from mounting
challenges. Saying your novel is "about personal growth" diminishes the power of the story. (Let the readers figure that out. Agents will already know it)
I know you're trying to tell an agent who your target audience is, but this is such a general, vague demographic that I don't think it helps you.
shalgia wrote:Set in Boston’s historical Cambridge area, this is not your typical coming of age story.
Is this a Romance? Suspense Romance? Coming of Age?
I don't understand how "this is not your typical coming of age story". What sets Tiffany's story apart from every other Coming of Age story? Doesn't Coming of Age entail taking responsibility for your life, learning from and turning away from past mistakes and moving on toward adulthood?
shalgia wrote:The constant battle between doing the right thing and reverting back to her old ways leaves Tiffany in a tailspin. After a horrific accident, Tiffany firmly takes control of her destiny,
It seems to me that this is the heart of your story and should be much more prominent in your query. Here, it is almost buried as an afterthought, listed after your word count and genre.
Also, as the heart of the story, you've given us no details. You're telling us what happens in terms so vague that they don't do Tiffany and her story justice!
shalgia wrote:emerging as a woman who has found the true meaning of life.
Another power-draining cliché.
And what is "the true meaning of life"? Are you suggesting there is a single, universal meaning of life or has Tiffany found that which gives her own life meaning?
shalgia wrote:Proving once and for all, a Tigress can change her stripes.
Another power-draining cliché.
Also, the title, "Blessed Assurance" strikes me as having religious and/or Christian overtones. If so, this should be included in your query. (You'll be sending your query to agents who either handle Religious Romance or Standard Romance and they will want to have your genre clearly defined)