The Incredible Race Query Letter

[moosebabble]

Mada Mad Mad Mad World is the first thing I thought of too. Which is good, it makes me want to read your book. As mentioned previously, the offspring of an old man are probably pretty old too. Maybe "relations" would open up the age range a bit. If are just his kids, then happily ignore this advice. :)

[Username]

Hey, this is great - people are mentioning things that never even crossed my mind.

About the age thing - I never put an ounce of thought into it. The story is just so ridiculous, or over the top, that I never bothered with those details. I guess I felt, because the story was meant to be surreal almost, that I was afforded even more artistic license than usual.

I think what I'll do is just remove the mention of Sir Hugo's age entirely - that way people can decide for themselves how old everyone in the story is.

Moose, I encourage you to follow the link and read the setup of the novel! You'll be riveted to your monitor! Riveted!

Thanks, for the help guys, I've decided to send this out again. Does anybody here have any suggestions as to which agent or publisher I should send this work to? I hate to say this at an agent's website (especially when the agent in question is trying so hard to make himself accessible to the great unwashed), but I've kind of given up on the agents. I think that ten, twenty years ago it was impossible to enter the market as an unpublished novelist without an agent - I suspect it's almost impossible now to locate an agent without already being published. The agents just don't seem to care much for unpublished authors. Ninety-five percent of the submissions I've sent out have never even reached the agent, but rather have been intercepted by the agent's assistant - and the assistant is usually a young person, fresh out of university (too young, in my opinion).

I'm not saying that sending your work to a publisher is going to get you in the door - but I wonder if maybe some of the smaller publishing companies in recent years have seen fewer submissions entering their offices due to the agents taking on more of the 'burden'?

I sent a submission to a major publishing company two years ago, and was shocked to receive a response.

[Username]

Bah... I never wanted to be a novelist anyway... I always wanted to be...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zey8567bcg

[J. T. SHEA]

They say the devil is in the details, Username, and that's certainly true of writing. I would try to get details like ages right, PARTICULARLY in 'over the top' stories. We DO have some artistic license, of course, but realism, or even hyper-realism in some areas, can help the reader suspend disbelief in other, more 'surreal' areas.

I have to disagree with your generalizations about publishing and agents. Nathan Bransford has addressed similar concerns many times in his blog and these forums. He and other agents DO take on unpublished authors and ALL successful authors were once unpublished.

Agents don't care much for unpublished writers? Which agents? I DO know of one unpublished writer who doesn't care much for agents!

How do you know who intercepted 95% of your submissions? And, if your query letter was as poor as you suggest, would it have made any difference if the agents read them all?

Don't discount young people either, as publishing professionals or buyers and readers of your book. And, as with agents, DO check out the publishers' submission guidelines.

But, if all comes to all, just threaten to name all the agents who reject your query in a reverse dedication at the start of your book when it's a bestseller!

Moose riveted to his monitor? Sounds painful! Almost as painful as being glued to the TV. Or stuck in a book. How would he explain it at the Emergency Room?

Lumberjacks? It's the shirt, isn't it, Username? The plaid shirt.

[Username]

It's the leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the rivers of British Columbia, that I like... the Giant Redwood, the Larch, the Fir, the Mighty Scott's Pine... the smell of fresh cut timber... the crash of mighty trees... with my best girly by my side... we'd sing... sing... sing.

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night, I work all day..."

[Username]

I printed my original query, and the revised query, on a single sheet of paper and took the paper with me to my favorite coffee shop, and sat there for about three hours and asked the patrons I'm acquainted with, and also the employees, which query they liked the best. Out of the eleven people I asked, seven said they liked the original one, and four said they liked the revised one. Kind of surprising, really.

Here's the original:

---------------------------------------
Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multi-millionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpicks, has passed away at the age of ninety.

Happily believing that his estate will be divided evenly amongst the six of them, Sir Hugo's offspring assemble at Crumpet Towers for the reading of his Last Will and Testament. Before the reading commences however the Crumpets learn that Sir Hugo, at the last possible moment, digitally recorded an alternate Will, and had it sent to his lawyer's office just days before his death.

And so from beyond the grave Sir Hugo communicates the shocking news to his children - that only one of them will benefit financially from his death.

The Crumpets, emotionally divided, learn that they must race each other around the world in competition for their deceased father's fortune.

Join Father Charles Crumpet, Lucy Lou Crumpet, Comrade Joseph Crumpet, the evil Garth Crumpet, the two twins, Bertha and Gertha Crumpet, and Waldo - a young boy from Tunbridge Wells who has yearned to see what lies beyond the boundaries of the orphanage - on a race around the world, as one by one the Crumpets follow in the footsteps of the Jules Verne fictional character, Phileas Fogg.

The Incredible Race, a sixty-thousand word novel, will have you cheering for your favorite family member, as the Crumpets race to see which one will inherit Sir Hugo's toothpick fortune.

-------------------------------------------

And here's the revised query:

Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multi-millionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpicks, has passed away.

Sir Hugo’s offspring have assembled at Crumpet Towers, believing his estate will be divided equally amongst the six of them. But much to the dismay of the Crumpets, they learn that Sir Hugo digitally recorded an alternate will, which was delivered to his barrister’s office just days before his death.

And so, from beyond the grave, Sir Hugo communicates the shocking news to his children, that only one of them will benefit financially from his death.

The Crumpets learn they must race each other around the world in competition for their deceased father's fortune.

Join Father Charles Crumpet, Lucy Lou Crumpet, Comrade Joseph Crumpet, the evil Garth Crumpet, and the twins, Bertha and Gertha Crumpet, on a race around the world. Cheer on your favorite family member as the Crumpets race to determine which member will become the sole recipient of Sir Hugo’s toothpick fortune.

------------------------------------------------

So now I'm really confused.

[Quill]

Here's the original:

---------------------------------------
Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multi-millionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpicks, has passed away at the age of ninety.

1. I'm pretty sure multimillionaire is one word.

2. Suggest omitting "Crumpet Toothpicks" as slowing the story and to reduce the numerous "Crumpets" in the query by one.

Happily believing that his estate will be divided evenly amongst the six of them, Sir Hugo's offspring assemble at Crumpet Towers for the reading of his Last Will and Testament.

Stronger to start with the offspring rather than an adverb. Also suggest omitting "Crumpet Towers" as not needed and to reduce the "Crumpets" by one. Thus it might read, " Sir Hugo's offspring assemble for the reading of his Last Will and Testament, happily believing that his estate will be divided evenly amongst the six of them."

Before the reading commences however the Crumpets learn that Sir Hugo, at the last possible moment,

The last moment is the last possible moment, hence suggest omitting "possible" as redundant.

digitally recorded an alternate Will, and had it sent to his lawyer's office just days before his death.

This would not be an alternate Will, it would be a new Will (replacing any others).

And so from beyond the grave Sir Hugo communicates the shocking news to his children - that only one of them will benefit financially from his death.

Awkward sentence construction. It may read better to say, "And so from beyond the grave Sir Hugo communicates shocking news to his children: only one of them will benefit financially from his death."

Also, a bit odd (or cold?) to say benefit "from his death." Maybe "benefit after (or following) his death." They are actually benefiting from his life, are they not, if we want to get technical.

The Crumpets, emotionally divided,

"Emotionally divided" doesn't tell us anything. What does it mean?

learn that they must race each other around the world in competition for their deceased father's fortune.

At their own expense? Yikes. Are they all well-off financially to begin with?

Join Father Charles Crumpet, Lucy Lou Crumpet, Comrade Joseph Crumpet, the evil Garth Crumpet, the two twins, Bertha and Gertha Crumpet,

Do we really need to say "Crumpet" after each name? Is that meant to be part of the charm?

and Waldo - a young boy from Tunbridge Wells who has yearned to see what lies beyond the boundaries of the orphanage - on a race around the world,

Who is this? A secondary and un-blood-related character who does not stand to benefit financially? Not sure he needs to be mentioned in a query.

as one by one the Crumpets follow in the footsteps of the Jules Verne fictional character, Phileas Fogg.

Not sure this is a clear or powerful analogy. Might be way better to describe some of their actual journeys.

The Incredible Race, a sixty-thousand word novel,

"a 60,000-word novel." It wouldn't be spelled out. Also, important to say which genre. Middle Grade?

will have you cheering for your favorite family member,

This sounds more like a movie trailer, which a query isn't. Is there another way to state this without addressing the reader?

as the Crumpets race to see which one will inherit Sir Hugo's toothpick fortune.

Omit as redundant. We've already gotten this.

Overall, super-cute-sounding story, probably a blast to read, but the query could stand less of the word "Crumpet" and more about the actual adventure (conflicts) portion. Reads like mostly setup (back story). The hook is good, but we need to know a bit more of what we are getting into, what occupies presumably most of the book.

____________________________________

Your second version appears to read almost the same in tone and information.

[J. T. SHEA]

I'm neither surprised nor confused, Username. The difference is Waldo.

The adventure-seeking young orphan has more immediate appeal than any of his siblings. Put him back in. Acknowledge he is Sir Hugo's outcast son, and give us a highlight or two from the actual race.

[clara_w]

Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multi-millionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpicks Cut the name of company, has passed away.

Sir Hugo’s offspring have assembled at Crumpet Towers, believing his estate will be divided equally amongst them. But much to the dismay of the Crumpets, they learn that Sir Hugo digitally recorded an alternate will, which was delivered to his barrister’s office just days before his death.

And so, from beyond the grave, Sir Hugo communicates the shocking news to his children, that only one of them will benefit financially from his death.

The Crumpets learn they must race each other around the world in competition for their deceased father's fortune.

Join Father Charles Crumpet, Lucy Lou Crumpet, Comrade Joseph Crumpet, the evil Garth Crumpet, and the twins, Bertha and Gertha Crumpet, on a race around the world. Cheer on your favorite family member as the Crumpets race to determine which member will become the sole recipient of Sir Hugo’s toothpick fortune.

This seems really interesting, but I think I saw a movie for your MS. Well, not for this MS; but certainly it had a very similar plot.

[Username]

The most worrying thing you wrote, Quill, is you believe the story to be aimed at 'middle grade' readers.

In my query letter to agents I said up front that this story is really a children's book written for adults. The style is inappropriate for immature readers. The people who have responded enthusiastically to this story are educated, older people.

But oh well - I'm beginning to see why this didn't work.

EDIT: Also, Quill, I'm not sure why you spent so much time and energy ripping apart my original query letter? I revised it based on the suggestions made by other people? I would have thought it more reasonable to continue working on the edited letter rather than the original? You wrote that the two letters were identical - but they're not. If you look again, you'll see that many of the suggestions you made were indeed made by others and were implemented in the second letter.

You wrote, for example: "Thus it might read, 'Sir Hugo's offspring assemble for the reading of his Last Will and Testament, happily believing that his estate will be divided evenly amongst the six of them.'"

The edited sentence, based on the suggestions made by others, was this: "Sir Hugo’s offspring have assembled at Crumpet Towers, believing his estate will be divided equally amongst them."

They're virtually the same sentence. It's almost like you didn't even read the edited query letter?

[Username]

Was it not obvious that 'Crumpet Towers' and 'Crumpet Toothpicks' were meant to communicate that the story is... over the top... silly... completely tongue in cheek?

Why are people taking this so seriously?

If you were to read about a guy living in a place called 'Crumpet Towers' of all things, and were to discover he was the owner of 'Crumpet Toothpicks', then surely you'd have an idea of the type of story you were about to read!!!!!!!!!!!

Omitting that information might cause people to take the story literally.

[Username]

And what 'occupies' the book?

It's about a race around the world! Don't over-think it!

[Username]

I'm neither surprised nor confused, Username. The difference is Waldo.

The adventure-seeking young orphan has more immediate appeal than any of his siblings. Put him back in. Acknowledge he is Sir Hugo's outcast son, and give us a highlight or two from the actual race.

You can see in the thread that the mention of Waldo seemed not only to confuse people, but to irritate them as well. I decided to drop it. Waldo just became another family member instead.

[Quill]

The most worrying thing you wrote, Quill, is you believe the story to be aimed at 'middle grade' readers.

In my query letter to agents I said up front that this story is really a children's book written for adults. The style is inappropriate for immature readers. The people who have responded enthusiastically to this story are educated, older people.

I did not see where you listed the genre in that query. I still don't see it in either the original or revised. I think you should definitely include that important info, maybe even up front in your query, to avoid agent confusion.

But oh well - I'm beginning to see why this didn't work.

EDIT: Also, Quill, I'm not sure why you spent so much time and energy ripping apart my original query letter?

Did you not ask for feedback on the two?

I revised it based on the suggestions made by other people? I would have thought it more reasonable to continue working on the edited letter rather than the original? You wrote that the two letters were identical

I did not. I said, "Your second version appears to read almost the same in tone and information."

- but they're not. If you look again, you'll see that many of the suggestions you made were indeed made by others and were implemented in the second letter.

And many were not. My opinion was that they were similar enough that much of the critique for one could serve the other.

You wrote, for example: "Thus it might read, 'Sir Hugo's offspring assemble for the reading of his Last Will and Testament, happily believing that his estate will be divided evenly amongst the six of them.'"

The edited sentence, based on the suggestions made by others, was this: "Sir Hugo’s offspring have assembled at Crumpet Towers, believing his estate will be divided equally amongst them."

They're virtually the same sentence. It's almost like you didn't even read the edited query letter?

The main difference is the omission of "Crumpet Towers," which I noted might be something to consider.

[Quill]

And what 'occupies' the book?

It's about a race around the world! Don't over-think it!

I was merely suggesting you tell us a bit more about the race.