TO SAVE A KINGDOM mg adventure

[moosebabble]

Thanks to everyone for the suggestions! The updated query is at the bottom.

This is my query.

My concerns are that the first sentence is passive, and the rest reads like a synopsis for a very tired trope. I don't think the ms reads that way, but I'm struggling to fit my voice into the query without going off on tangents that don't run central to the plot.

Anyways, here it is. Any feedback is appreciated.

Dear agent,

Marvin is a klutzy twelve-year-old who’s constantly harassed by the school bully and his gang. He is on the run from them one day when he dives into a hole and pops out in a strange and magical land. The hole closes behind him, leaving no opportunity to go back.
Marvin travels to the land’s capital with the help of a cranky prairie dog and an inept stage magician named Leo who’s desperate to learn real magic. There they discover that the kingdom is preparing for war against a powerful sorcerer who’s kidnapped the king’s only daughter.

The king’s high wizard, Fastell, tells them that the kidnapping was done as a cover to steal the magic talisman protecting the kingdom from attack. With it, the sorcerer intends to conquer the kingdom and enslave its people. Going to war will only expose the kingdom to this attack. Fastell has tried to warn the king, but love for his daughter has blinded him to reason. Without the magic of the talisman, Fastell cannot send Marvin home.

Marvin, joined by Oscar, Leo, and Fastell’s daughter Elisa, must make an arduous journey north to recover the talisman and rescue the princess before the sorcerer can use it for his own ends. Unless they can accomplish this, Marvin will be trapped in the land forever.

TO SAVE A KINGDOM is a middle grade novel complete at about 65,000 words. Thank you very much for your consideration.

[Meredith]

This is my query.

My concerns are that the first sentence is passive, and the rest reads like a synopsis for a very tired trope. I don't think the ms reads that way, but I'm struggling to fit my voice into the query without going off on tangents that don't run central to the plot.

Anyways, here it is. Any feedback is appreciated.

Dear agent,

Marvin is a klutzy twelve-year-old who’s constantly harassed by the school bully and his gang. He is on the run from them one day when he dives into a hole and pops out in a strange and magical land. The hole closes behind him, leaving no opportunity to go back.
Marvin travels to the land’s capital with the help of a cranky prairie dog and an inept stage magician named Leo who’s desperate to learn real magic. There they discover that the kingdom is preparing for war against a powerful sorcerer who’s kidnapped the king’s only daughter.

This does a decent job of telling us who Marvin is. I think you could break it into two shorter paragraphs and I think it's more important to know WHY Marvin travels to the capital than who he's with.

The king’s high wizard, Fastell, tells them that the kidnapping was done as a cover to steal the magic talisman protecting the kingdom from attack. With it, the sorcerer intends to conquer the kingdom and enslave its people. Going to war will only expose the kingdom to this attack. Fastell has tried to warn the king, but love for his daughter has blinded him to reason. Without the magic of the talisman, Fastell cannot send Marvin home.

I'm not sure you need this paragraph at all.

Marvin, joined by Oscar, Leo, and Fastell’s daughter Elisa, must make an arduous journey north to recover the talisman and rescue the princess before the sorcerer can use it for his own ends. Unless they can accomplish this, Marvin will be trapped in the land forever.

I'm not sure of the need for a list of Marvin's companions. Oscar hasn't been mentioned before, unless that's the prairie dog's name. Switch the princess and the talisman to make it clear that "it" refers to the talisman, not the princess. I don't get the connection between kidnapping the princess and stealing the talisman. If the princess was held hostage and the talisman was her ransom, I'd get it. Otherwise, I think you need to make the connection a little more clear.

TO SAVE A KINGDOM is a middle grade novel complete at about 65,000 words. Thank you very much for your consideration.

This tells us who Marvin is and what choice he faces (going to rescue the princess and recover the talisman or else remain trapped).

[moosebabble]

Thanks for your feedback Meredith. It really helps.

I created a few of your concerns through my poor detail checking.

First paragraph is supposed to be two. I cut and pasted, but missed the original break.
The prairie dog is Oscar. I forgot to name him early.

You raised some great points. In the next revision I'll focus on why he's going to the capital. I think I inadvertently made the princess too important in the query. I should have said that the kidnapping was to "distract" so the sorcerer could steal the talisman. This is really the the important part of the incident. Marvin and friends are really questing for the talisman to save the kingdom. The princess is an important character, but saving her has no real effect on the kingdom.

I think that the ineraction with Fastell is important, because it sets up the reason for Marvin's quest, but I'll look to phrase it better so the focus is clearer.

Thanks again!

[Quill]

Marvin is a klutzy twelve-year-old who’s constantly harassed by the school bully and his gang. He is on the run from them one day when

This seems to have nothing to do with the story, so far as a query would be concerned. That is, the hook begins just after this, which makes this backstory and character description. I wonder if there is another way to intro Marvin without the seeming sidetrack involving the bully and his gang.

[moosebabble]

Thanks for your input also Quill!

Here's a revision with both of your recommendations in mind:

Marvin is a twelve-year-old boy trapped in the magical land of Macrru. He was running from the school bully when he jumped in a hole to hide and popped out there. The hole shut tight, giving him no way to return.

He makes friends with a cantankerous prairie dog named Oscar who recommends heading to the capital city and asking the king’s high wizard Fastell to help send him home. Oscar agrees to go with Marvin, and they meet an inept stage magician named Leo who guides them there.

When they arrive, they find that the kingdom is preparing for war with a powerful sorcerer who’s kidnapped the king’s only daughter. Fastell tells them that the kidnapping was only done to distract the king, so the sorcerer could simultaneously steal the magic talisman protecting Macrru. The king is too focused on saving his daughter to care.

The sorcerer plans to use the magic in the talisman to conquer Macrru once the king marches with his army and the leaves the kingdom unprotected. Marvin, along with Oscar, Leo, and Fastell’s daughter Elisa, must make an arduous trek north to recover the talisman before the sorcerer can use it for his own ends.

Unless they can accomplish this, Marvin will be trapped in Macrru forever.

TO SAVE A KINGDOM is a middle grade novel complete at about 65,000 words. Thank you very much for your consideration.

[moosebabble]

The last version had tense change problems. Any feedback on this one would be great. I still didn't get the hook into the first sentence; I really struggled with that. Thanks Meredith and Quill for the feedback so far.

Dear Agent,

Marvin is a twelve-year-old boy who crawls into a hole to escape from the school bully and emerges in the magical land of Macrru. The hole closes behind him, offering no way back, so he sets off to find a way home.

He makes friends with a cantankerous prairie dog named Oscar who recommends heading to the capital city and asking the king’s high wizard Fastell to help send him home. Oscar agrees to go with Marvin, and they head to a nearby town for directions. There they meet an inept stage magician named Leo who knows the route and is eager to join them, because he too stumbled into Macrru from Marvin’s world.

When they arrive, they find the kingdom is preparing for war with a powerful sorcerer who’s kidnapped the king’s only daughter. Fastell tells them the kidnapping was only done to distract the king, so the sorcerer could simultaneously steal the magic talisman protecting Macrru. The king is too worried about his daughter to care.

The sorcerer plans to use the magic in the talisman to conquer Macrru once the king marches with his army, leaving the kingdom unprotected. Marvin, along with Oscar, Leo, and Fastell’s daughter Elisa, must make an arduous trek north to recover the talisman before the sorcerer can use it for his own ends.

Unless they accomplish this, Marvin will be trapped in Macrru forever.

TO SAVE A KINGDOM is a middle grade novel complete at 65,000 words. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Regards,
Tim

[Meredith]

The last version had tense change problems. Any feedback on this one would be great. I still didn't get the hook into the first sentence; I really struggled with that. Thanks Meredith and Quill for the feedback so far.

Dear Agent,

Marvin is a twelve-year-old boy who crawls into a hole to escape from the school bully and emerges in the magical land of Macrru. The hole closes behind him, offering no way back, so he sets off to find a way home.

He makes friends with a cantankerous prairie dog named Oscar who recommends heading to the capital city and asking the king’s high wizard Fastell Two things here. In general, I would recommend against putting too many names in a query. The king's hig wizard is probably sufficient. If you are going to use his name, it needs to be set off with commas. to help send him home. Oscar agrees to go with Marvin, and they head to a nearby town for directions. There they meet an inept stage magician named Leo who knows the route and is eager to join them, because he too stumbled into Macrru from Marvin’s world. I think it might be sufficient to say they pick Leo up along the way, without talking about goint to ask for directions, etc. Once again, think about how many names are in a one-page query. Do you need to name Leo or can you just call him the magician?

When they arrive, they find the kingdom is preparing for war with a powerful sorcerer who’s kidnapped the king’s only daughter. Fastell tells them the kidnapping was only done to distract the king, so the sorcerer could simultaneously steal the magic talisman protecting Macrru. The king is too worried about his daughter to care.Instead of making this about the kingdom, make it more about Marvin's problem. The wizard can't help him unless he helps the wizard get the talisman back.

The sorcerer plans to use the magic in the talisman to conquer Macrru once the king marches with his army, leaving the kingdom unprotected. I'd consider cutting this. Keep it about Marvin more than the kingdom.Marvin, along with Oscar, Leo, and Fastell’s daughter Elisa,Another name. must make an arduous trek north to recover the talisman before the sorcerer can use it for his own ends.Is the fact that it's an arduous trek important? Or are there other dangers, besides just walking a long way uphill, that they have to face? Because that's all arduous makes me think.

Unless they accomplish this, Marvin will be trapped in Macrru forever.This is probably more important to Marvin than recovering the talisman or rescuing the princess.

TO SAVE A KINGDOM is a middle grade novel complete at 65,000 words. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Regards,
Tim

In general, I think it reads a little too much like a very short synopsis, which is one of the curses of trying to write a query letter. For mid grade, I think you want to include a little of the quirkiness offered by Oscar and Leo, but you don't need to tell the whole story.
Hope this helps.

[moosebabble]

Thanks, it does help. I'm headed to Vegas tomorrow, and I'll give it another crack when I get back.

[wilderness]

My concerns are that the first sentence is passive, and the rest reads like a synopsis for a very tired trope. I don't think the ms reads that way, but I'm struggling to fit my voice into the query without going off on tangents that don't run central to the plot.

If it reads like a tired trope, think about what makes your story different from similar stories about going to another land. You know it's been done before, like in Wizard of Oz or Alice in Wonderland. Clearly, getting trapped in a magical land is not a unique hook. So, think. Do you have one? What is unique about your world? What is unique about your character? What is unique about your character's quest?

Second, if it reads like a synopsis it is because you haven't inserted enough voice. What is your novel's voice? Is it funny, jaunty, suspenseful, whimsical, what? Try to incorporate that tone into your query.

Dear Agent,

Marvin is a twelve-year-old boy who crawls into a hole to escape from the school bully and emerges in the magical land of Macrru. The hole closes behind him, offering no way back, so he sets off to find a way home. Yeah, too generic for a hook.

He makes friends with a cantankerous prairie dog named Oscar who recommends heading to the capital city and asking the king’s high wizard Fastell to help send him home. Oscar agrees to go with Marvin, and they head to a nearby town for directions. There they meet an inept stage magician named Leo who knows the route and is eager to join them, because he too stumbled into Macrru from Marvin’s world. Too many names. Unless the characters have something to do with the main conflict, leave them out.

When they arrive, they find the kingdom is preparing for war with a powerful sorcerer who’s kidnapped the king’s only daughter. Fastell tells them the kidnapping was only done to distract the king, so the sorcerer could simultaneously steal the magic talisman protecting Macrru. The king is too worried about his daughter to care. Add some tension here. "Powerful sorcerer" is really generic. Describe him. What is the magic talisman? What does it do? If the king is useless, why even put him the query? You have so many characters but they don't seem pivotal. Choose only the ones that are integral to the conflict and describe them.

The sorcerer plans to use the magic in the talisman to conquer Macrru once the king marches with his army, leaving the kingdom unprotected. Marvin, along with Oscar, Leo, and Fastell’s daughter Elisa, must make an arduous trek north to recover the talisman before the sorcerer can use it for his own ends. What is arduous about the trek north? Describe the hardships. "Use it for his own ends" is generic. What is the sorcerer going to do with it?

Unless they accomplish this, Marvin will be trapped in Macrru forever. This needs more punch. Give Marvin a more personal goal. Is there a reason he needs to get back?

TO SAVE A KINGDOM is a middle grade novel complete at 65,000 words. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Regards,
Tim

The trick is to include only the details that make your story unique. Hope that helps.

[clara_w]

Marvin is a klutzy twelve-year-old who’s constantly harassed by the school bully and his gang. He is on the run from them one day I´d start a tad differently:One day he´s one the run from them when he dives into a hole and pops out in a strange and magical land. The hole closes behind him, leaving no opportunity to go back. I-d cut this last sentence about the hole closing.
Marvin travels to the land’s capital with the help of a cranky prairie dog and an inept stage magician named Leo who’s desperate to learn real magic. There they discover that the kingdom is preparing for war against a powerful sorcerer who’s kidnapped the king’s only daughter. Honestly, I don´t agree with you: Your query is doing really well here!

The king’s high wizard, Fastell, tells them that he was actually kidnapped, so onthe kidnapping was done as a cover to steal the magic talisman protecting the kingdom from attack. With it, the sorcerer intends to conquer the kingdom and enslave its people. Going to war will only expose the kingdom to this attack. Fastell has tried to warn the king, but love for his daughter has blinded him to reason. Without the magic of the talisman, Fastell cannot send Marvin home.

Marvin, joined by Oscar, Leo, and Fastell’s daughter Elisa, must make an arduous journey north to recover the talisman and rescue the princess before the sorcerer can use it for his own ends. Unless they can accomplish this, Marvin will be trapped in the land forever.

This seems to be a solid fantasy story, I really liked it!

[moosebabble]

I'm home from Vegas with a lighter wallet and a renewed focus on writing. :)

Thanks to everyone for the critiques, and thank you Clara for the kind words.

Taking all the recommendations into account, I've decided to try a totally new query that pays more attention to voice and focuses less on tracking the plot. I really don't don't know if this is an improvement or not. As before, feedback is greatly appreciated. what I've received so far has really helped me to see the query through fresh perspectives.

Thanks Again!

Here it is:

Dear agent,

Marvin is stuck in the magical land of Macrru.

He got there by accident, and his only hope of return is iffy at best. His traveling companions are a grouchy prairie dog with claustrophobia, an inept stage magician desperate to get his hands on real magic, and the daughter of Macrru’s high wizard.

These four have to make a long and treacherous journey to reclaim a magic talisman called The Earthstone. It’s the only thing with the magic capable of sending Marvin back to his world. To make things worse, the evil wizard who stole the talisman in the first place plans to use it to destroy Macrru.

Marvin just wants to get home, but a hungry witch, the queen’s treacherous nephew, and a peculiar group of sunbathing penguins stand in his way. On top of that, the evil wizard has no intention of letting a clumsy twelve-year-old and his bumbling companions ruin his plans.

Marvin must rely on his new friends if he hopes to make it home, saving all of Macrru in the process.

TO SAVE A KINGDOM is a middle grade novel complete at 65,000 words.

Thank you very much for your consideration.

[Quill]

This sounds like an interesting story. However, I'm not sure your listing of companions and antagonistic characters, interesting as they sound, is enough to distinguish this quest from many others in literature. Perhaps you could give a little about the quest itself, other than that it is long and treacherous?

Also, might be wise to go through and expunge all phrases that even smack of cliche, as these will tend to undermine the power of your query. These would include "iffy at best", "on top of that", and "to make things worse." Sometimes changing a single word can transform a cliche into something fresh.

[clara_w]

He got there by accident, (I´d cut this first line)and his only hope of return is iffy at best. His traveling companions are a grouchy prairie dog with claustrophobia, an inept stage magician desperate to get his hands on real magic, and the daughter of Macrru’s high wizard.

On the rest: Fantastic. I think this second version works better for me.