Valeriah is half werewolf, unable to take wolf form but still inconveniently driven by the full moon. <--This seems to passive to me. Maybe try something like: ". . , the full moon doesn't make her wolf, but it drives her (crazy? manic? nerves? strength? to eat Poptarts? to aggression?)--<<< Her werewolf strength and instincts make her a formidable bodyguard for the members of the Council of Magical Races. <--I would be more terse for a forceful effect. e.g.: "Her werewolf strength and instinct are perfect for guarding the Council of Magical Races."--<<<
This raises the question to me--Is this only when the full moon is driving her, or always? But I'm not sure it needs to be answered here.
I've formed some prejudices very early in my query education, so take this with a grain of salt. I have a strong bias toward cutting to the chase, and cutting every bit of fat that isn't essential to sell this manuscript. There seems to be some redundancy in this one.
I think you can be more effective by cutting down the Crystal threats and the murder mystery, and then clarifying the nature of the two men and the trust issues.
I don't think we need to know Crystal is hidden--something like that will be assumed. I also think it will be assumed that Valeriah is taking on danger that risks her life for her cousin, so that can go.
A more tangible understanding of the secret would add to its impact.
Also, I'm getting just a little of a ". . . so, what was that Council all about?" reaction. The query might be improved relating the plot back to it, unless it's not important, in which case I'd drop it or make it clear that it's only to emphasize the extent of her suitability to be a body guard.
Finally, the allusion to her curse needs clarity. I think you mean her curse from the effects of the full moon, but I'm not sure.
Here's my attempt (making gross assumptions that you will no doubt have to disabuse):
The full moon doesn't transform the half-werewolf, Valeriah, but it curses her with embarrassing and sometimes dangerous frenzies. Nevertheless, her wolfish strength and instinct make her a perfect bodyguard, even for clients in the Council of Magical Races.
Her job becomes very personal when a man attempts to kill her cousin, Crystal, thrusting Valeriah unexpectedly into the very plot that murdered her parents and brothers, a mystery she has pursued for eight years. Two men are the key to the mystery: a handsome stranger suspiciously hiding what led him to help save Crystal, and a man who already abandoned her once. One is the killer. The other offers a love deep enough to break her curse. But which one?
BLOOD WILL TELL is a 96,000-word urban fantasy novel that explores the extremes of trust when family is in mortal danger. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first chapter per the instructions on your website.
It's rough, but it's one approach you might consider. Hope it helps.
Thanks for the opportunity to learn from your query.