Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Thanks again for all of the feedback. I looked at all of the revisions and did a rewrite. I hope to submit a query to my dream agent today or tomorrow. Any suggestions are welcomed.

Dear Literary Agent,

Lucy is putting her life back together one pizza slice and bad tip at a time. A master's degree from Penn State can't get her jobs at museums, community colleges, fast food restaurants, or as a body guard for Brittney spears. With a dwindling bank account, her options are homelessness, or a rusty futon in her father’s basement. Trapped behind a washing machine, Sally spends her time watching Keeping up with the Kardashians marathons and sipping on Captain Morgan. The day after her boyfriend dumps her, she get’s hired at Cowboy Cal’s Pizza Corral. The boss considers her a sexy cougar at the age of 25 and mandates thigh high daisy dukes, push up bras, and sexual harassment. Biting her tongue, Sally tries to turn this Hooters and Chucky Cheese hybrid into her dream job.

Labels imitate life when her 22-year-old coworker asks her out. This post break up fling with a Zac Effron look-a-like turns into something more. Sally’s new romance threatens her job security because her cougar loving boss wants her. After she creates a life for herself in Iowa, her ex boyfriend shows up offering her the life she thought she wanted.

I am seeking representation for my 75,000 word women's fiction manuscript On the Fringe. There is a market for this book because many people don’t find that perfect job after college. As an unemployed post graduate myself, I wrote this book for all of the people whose post college dreams didn’t come true. With a little humor, self bar tending, bad reality television marathons, and an adjustment of her post graduation visions, Sally creates a life for herself in unexpected places

superduperkool wrote:
Dear Literary Agent,

Lucy is putting her life back together one pizza slice and bad tip at a time. I love this sentence, but I think this line should be moved to later, when it happens chronologically in the query. Alternatively, you could put everything that happens before she gets the job in past tense, and leave this sentence to stand in its own paragraph. A master's degree from Penn State can't get her jobs at museums, community colleges, fast food restaurants, or as a body guard for Brittney spears. It should be "Britney Spears". With a dwindling bank account, her options are homelessness, or a rusty futon in her father’s basement. Trapped behind a washing machine, Sally spends her time watching Keeping up with the Kardashians marathons and sipping on Captain Morgan. It sounds like she did get a job, at a laundromat? The day after her boyfriend dumps her, she get’s hired at Cowboy Cal’s Pizza Corral. The boss considers her a sexy cougar at the age of 25 and mandates thigh high daisy dukes, push up bras, and sexual harassment. Biting her tongue, Sally tries to turn this Hooters and Chucky Cheese hybrid into her dream job.

Labels imitate life when her 22-year-old coworker asks her out. This post break up fling with a Zac Effron (Only one f in Efron) look-a-like turns into something more. Sally’s new romance threatens her job security because her cougar loving boss wants her. After she creates a life for herself in Iowa, her ex boyfriend shows up offering her the life she thought she wanted. Put an explicit conflict here that represents the main conflict for the novel. Something to the gist of "Suddenly, she's not sure what she wants or if her college dreams were all wrong for her."

I am seeking representation for my 75,000 word women's fiction manuscript On the Fringe. There is a market for this book because many people don’t find that perfect job after college. I don't think agents like it when you tell them what there is or is not a market for. As an unemployed post graduate myself, I wrote this book for all of the people whose post college dreams didn’t come true.With a little humor, self bar tending, bad reality television marathons, and an adjustment of her post graduation visions, Sally creates a life for herself in unexpected places

I think you're close. Love all the quirky little details! Sounds like a fun read.

Hi Superduperkool,

Okay, I can’t pass this up. This book sounds fun, but there is an undercurrent of anger and frustration. Is this good or bad? I have no idea. When I got to the end and saw your personal information, I can understand your bitterness. This book is capturing life for lots of young people and wilderness was right. I don’t think you need to tell the agents there is a market for this. They will know.

Now for some nitpicking:

Lucy is putting her life back together one pizza slice and bad tip at a time. A master's degree from Penn State can't get her jobs at museums, community colleges, fast food restaurants, or as a body guard for Brittney spears. With a dwindling bank account, her options are homelessness, or a rusty futon in her father’s basement. Trapped behind a washing machine, Sally spends her time watching Keeping up with the Kardashians marathons and sipping on Captain Morgan. The day after her boyfriend dumps her, she get’s hired at Cowboy Cal’s Pizza Corral. The boss considers her a sexy cougar at the age of 25 and mandates thigh high daisy dukes, push up bras, and sexual harassment. Biting her tongue, Sally tries to turn this Hooters and Chucky Cheese hybrid into her dream job.

Comment: I agree with wilderness on the chronological order issue.

Suggestion: Lucy wasn’t aiming too high when she graduated with her master’s from Penn State. A museum gig, admin work in a community college, heck, even being a bodyguard for Britney Spears would be acceptable. Instead, Lucy finds herself bunking down behind the washing machine in her dad’s basement, sipping Captain Morgan and keeping up with the Kardashians on TV. The day . .

Okay everything that follows is good except “mandates thigh high daisy dukes, push up bras and sexual harassment.” I know what you mean, but you are making this sentence do too much and there is a grammar breakdown. The boss can mandate the clothes, but he can’t mandate sexual harassment. As stated, this would mean he expects Lucy to commit the harassment, but I believe you mean that the boss is conducting the harassment himself. Did you see the Saturday Night Live with Tracy Morgan at the news desk repeating “Fix it?” Yes, fix it.

Labels imitate life when her 22-year-old coworker asks her out. This post break up fling with a Zac Effron look-a-like turns into something more. Sally’s new romance threatens her job security because her cougar loving boss wants her. After she creates a life for herself in Iowa, her ex boyfriend shows up offering her the life she thought she wanted.

Comment: It took me a few moments to realize “Labels” referred to cougar. But I can be slow. You could consider “Her boss’s label starts to fit in an uncomfortable way when 22-year-old . . .” But I don’t quite buy it. Is three years that big of a deal in your twenties?

Note: I’m getting Word’s green grammar squiggle on ‘This post break up”. “This post break-up fling” seems okay though. Same green squiggle on ‘cougar loving’. Try cougar-loving.

Comment: The sentence “After she creates a life . . . “ really threw me. You need a better transition from the previous sentence, i.e. “And he’s not the only one. Just as Lucy is settling into her new life, her ex shows up offering her the dream life she once thought she wanted.”

I am seeking representation for my 75,000 word women's fiction manuscript On the Fringe. There is a market for this book because many people don’t find that perfect job after college. As an unemployed post graduate myself, I wrote this book for all of the people whose post college dreams didn’t come true. With a little humor, self bar tending, bad reality television marathons, and an adjustment of her post graduation visions, Sally creates a life for herself in unexpected places

Comment: I feel for your situation as an unemployed post-graduate, but I don’t think this qualifies as a platform. I wouldn’t mention it in the query. The only thing worth keeping in this paragraph is the first sentence. But that is my opinion. This is your baby. In either case, I think this query is strong and has a good voice.

Ghost in the Machine