Empty Query (Take 2)

[Wolfe3141]

Be as harsh to this query as you desire. I need the help! If I can't learn from you guys I can't help others. :) Thank you in advance to everyone on the forums that help me! Now on to the query ...


Dear (Agent):

I hope you will be interested in taking me on as a new client. I have completed a 51,000 word dark science fiction novel called Empty which I would like you to represent.

Sarah’s childhood goes from bad to worse when her mother brings her new pimp home. This new pimp abuses Sarah to the brink of suicide while keeping her mom hooked on drugs. After three months of abuse she is rented out to a sympathetic college student who decides to help her take her mind off suicide by introducing her to playing the guitar and singing. She is a natural. When her mother is killed she escapes to live on the streets. She is discovered by Jon a band manager looking for a young new face to draw in crowds for his girlfriend to kidnap. Sarah is unaware of her part in the kidnappings that are becoming more rampant. She dreams of moving to the high affluent country of Atonisa where she hopes to become the world famous singer, Death Metal Assassin. But first she must graduate high school before Atonisa will even allow her to apply for citizenship and that requires a home address which she can’t afford yet.

Though this is my first book I intend to produce a lot of books. I’m already hard at work on the sequel to Empty. I’m approaching you before I query any other agents because I’m impressed by the other authors you represent especially (Deleted) and think you will enjoy my novel.

I would very much like to send you Empty for your consideration. SASE enclosed.


Best regards,

[lachrymal]

I hope you will be interested in taking me on as a new client. I have completed a 51,000 word dark science fiction novel called Empty which I would like you to represent. [All right. This is really short for an adult novel. For YA it's fine, but for adult sci-fi, you probably need at least 80k for an agent to really consider it. Second, you might want to check out some query templates for how to start and end these letters. I suggest you avoid saying "I hope you will be interested in taking me on as a client". That's assumed, since you're sending the agent a query. You could simply say, "EMPTY (yes, all caps is the convention), a work of dark science fiction, is complete at 51,000 words".]

Sarah’s childhood goes from bad to worse when her mother brings her new pimp home [OK--how old is Sarah? Lead with that and don't make us guess]. This new pimp abuses Sarah to the brink of suicide while keeping her mom hooked on drugs. After three months of abuse she is rented out to a sympathetic college student who decides to help her take her mind off suicide by introducing her to playing the guitar and singing [in both of these sentences, you talk about abuse and suicide, and to me it feels redundant. Can you find a way to streamline it?]. She is a natural. When her mother is killed [you need a comma here], Sarah escapes to live on the streets. She is discovered by Jon [comma]a band manager [comma]looking for a young new face to draw in crowds for his girlfriend to kidnap [I think there's some unintentional humor here. The band manager's girlfriend is kidnapping entire crowds? Perhaps that's really what you mean, but if not, find another way to say who the malevolent gf is trying to kidnap]. Sarah is unaware of her part in the kidnappings that are becoming more rampant [this is quite an awkward sentence. And I am also unaware of her part in the kidnappings because you don't really tell us]. She dreams of moving to the high [do you mean "highly"? Also, you probably could delete this word altogether. "Affluent" says enough] affluent country of Atonisa [comma here] where she hopes to become the world famous singer, Death Metal Assassin [And here I am completely lost. There's a world famous singer named Death Metal Assassin, and she wants to move to Antonisa and assume that person's identity? I thought I was supposed to care about some kidnappings? Or the MC's role in them?]. But first she must graduate high school before Atonisa will even allow her to apply for citizenship [comma here--what follows is an independent phrase] and that requires a home address which she can’t afford yet. [this is oddly anticlimactic after you start out with abuse, transition to suicide, then to kidnapping...and then to high school attendance. It's really jarring and leaves me hanging in not-good ways. Also, I have no sense of the stakes here. I don't understand your plot or what part of the story I'm supposed to care about. I don't understand which characters are important.]

Though this is my first book I intend to produce a lot of books.[I strongly advise you to delete this] I’m already hard at work on the sequel to Empty [How about you just say "EMPTY can stand alone, but I am writing a sequel." or something like that]. I’m approaching you before I query any other agents because I’m impressed by the other authors you represent especially (Deleted) and think you will enjoy my novel [most agents expect you to query many agents at once. You can leave this part out unless the agent you are querying specifically indicates this expectation].
I would very much like to send you Empty for your consideration. SASE enclosed.

Go back to the drawing board and rewrite to give us a sense of the very basics: who is the MC, what's the primary problem/conflict, and what choices must she make? Also, I'm no genre expert, but I'm just not getting dark sci-fi here. Dystopian YA, perhaps, but not sci-fi

[Jessica Peter]

Hi Wolfe,

I read through lachrymal's post and I agree with most of it, but I'm going to go through it line-by-line as well. Some things will be similar, but maybe those are the things you should especially look at changing! I also have a problem with seeing this is dark science fiction at all. I'm not seeing anything outside of "our" world - other than the name of the country. That should probably be more clear somehow.

- Jess (psyche)



Dear (Agent):

I hope you will be interested in taking me on as a new client. I have completed a 51,000 word dark science fiction novel called Empty which I would like you to represent. Don't bother with the client/representing part, that's obvious. Put EMPTY in CAPS. I personally would save the word count and genre for after the mini-synopsis, and take out this paragraph entirely- the next one can start "In EMPTY, . . . " Also, this sounds like a YA with the protagonist's age and the word count. If you want it to be adult, it's a novella, not a novel. YA would work though!

Sarah’s childhood goes from bad to worse when her mother brings her new pimp home. This new pimp abuses Sarah to the brink of suicide while keeping her mom hooked on drugs. After three months of abuse she is rented out to a sympathetic college student I can't help but ask why in the world a college student who is "sympathetic" would be renting out an underage girlwho decides to help her take her mind off suicide by introducing her to playing the guitar and singing. She is a natural. When her mother is killed she escapes to live on the streets. She is discovered by Jon, a band manager looking for a young new face to draw in crowds for his girlfriend to kidnap. Also really unclear about the whole kidnapping part Sarah is unaware of her part in the kidnappings that are becoming more rampant.Okay, I thought I had it figured out that they were kidnapping HER, but apparently they're kidnapping other people. Still unclear! She dreams of moving to the high affluent country of Atonisa where she hopes to become the world famous singer, Death Metal Assassin.does she hope to "become a world famous singer and call herself Death Metal Assasin"... or actually become another person?? But first she must graduate high school before Atonisa will even allow her to apply for citizenship and that requires a home address which she can’t afford yet. Graduating high school requires a home address? Not here it doesn't...

Though this is my first book I intend to produce a lot of books. I’m already hard at work on the sequel to Empty. Here is where I would put: "EMPTY is a YA (??) dark science fiction novel complete at 51,000 words. It stands alone, although I could extend it into a series (trilogy, etc)." I’m approaching you before I query any other agents because I’m impressed by the other authors you represent especially (Deleted) and think you will enjoy my novel. I might put instead something like.. "think this novel would be appropriate for your interests in ______" or something like that.

I would very much like to send you Empty EMPTY for your consideration. SASE enclosed.


Best regards,

[Wolfe3141]

Thank you! I did use a template ... but perhaps it was an older version from times long past. I will revise and repost.

[J. T. SHEA]

Excellent suggestions from Lachrymal and Jessica Peter. All I can add is that the second paragraph is very long and easily subdivided.

[Wolfe3141]

I do have a question for everyone ... due to the content at the beginning of the book I have avoided age. I know how old she is but I don't want legal trouble. Is there a law against her being too young when the pimp abuses her and pimps her out at parties? I do want to keep her age low because of her being a prodigy and making it big eventually. (I watch too much Law and Order SVU)

[J. T. SHEA]

There are obviously laws against abuse, underage sex, and pimping, and prostitution is illegal in most jurisdictions. Perhaps you means laws against DEPICTING such things in a novel? I would imagine not, unless someone wants to classify the scenes as child pornography.

[lachrymal]

You can depict anything you want in a book. Freedom of speech. And there are published books on some very difficult topics, including the ones you list, so this is not new ground. Of course, if you write graphic and/or violent sex scenes involving a minor, that would turn the stomach of just about anyone and an agent will shy away. If you write about it in a way that conveys the horror without providing fodder for titillation, then that's fine. Unfortunately, terrible things sometimes happen to young people, and that's fair ground in a novel. It's how you do it that matters. And your query is the first place you give the agent a hint at how you're going to do that.

[Wolfe3141]

You can depict anything you want in a book. Freedom of speech. And there are published books on some very difficult topics, including the ones you list, so this is not new ground. Of course, if you write graphic and/or violent sex scenes involving a minor, that would turn the stomach of just about anyone and an agent will shy away. If you write about it in a way that conveys the horror without providing fodder for titillation, then that's fine. Unfortunately, terrible things sometimes happen to young people, and that's fair ground in a novel. It's how you do it that matters. And your query is the first place you give the agent a hint at how you're going to do that.

Thank you. I do try to keep it tasteful and leave a lot to the readers imagination.

[Wolfe3141]

On the world of Larynth it is common for the state sponsored child to take over the parent’s profession but at eleven years of age Sarah isn’t ready to step into her mother’s shoes and start whoring. When Frank comes into her life he forces her to do just that after taking what he wants from her. Playing the guitar, writing lyrics, and singing are the only thing that keeps her sane. When her mother is killed one night while Frank isn’t around Sarah is able to escape to live on the streets. Things seem to be looking up for Sarah, she is discovered by Jon who gives her a band she names Serrated. She is close to getting her own record label and life couldn’t get better. Then Frank comes back into her life.

EMPTY is a science fiction novel complete at 51,000 words. It stands alone but I can extend it into a trilogy. (Insert reason why I chose agent here.)

I would very much like to send you EMPTY for your consideration. SASE enclosed.


*********************

I am changing some of the flashbacks and putting them into the story as storyline rather then flashback/memory, so the word count will increase. Hopefully by doing this I will get it closer to 100k words.

[capaloha]

Way tighter and better than the earlier versions. It doesn't even sound like the same project. I immediately understood it was sci-fi/fantasy.

Congratulations!

Capaloha---

[Wolfe3141]

Way tighter and better than the earlier versions. It doesn't even sound like the same project. I immediately understood it was sci-fi/fantasy.

Congratulations!

Capaloha---

Thank you! :)

[lachrymal]

On the world of Larynth [comma after this introductory clause] it is common for the state sponsored [this would be hypenated: "state-sponsored"] child to take over the parent’s profession [I'd put a period here, but you could also add a comma. You need one or the other because what follows is an independent phrase. In addition, the phrase "it is common for" is quite passive. Why couldn't you say "state-sponsored children take over their parents' professions" or something like that? Also--they take over their parents' professions before they're even adolescents? You might have to make that clearer.] but at eleven years of age [comma] Sarah isn’t ready to step into her mother’s shoes and start whoring. When Frank comes into her life [comma] he forces her to do just that after taking what he wants from her [Why wouldn't you say "he takes what he wants from her and forces her to do just that." Or simply "he forces her to do just that"]. Playing the guitar, writing lyrics, and singing are the only thing [wouldn't this be "the only things"--plural?] that keeps [if you add the "s", you need to pluralize the verb form as well] her sane. When her mother is killed one night while Frank isn’t around [comma after this introductory clause] Sarah is able to escape [you could just say "Sarah escapes to live on the streets"--tighter and more active] to live on the streets. Things seem to be looking up for Sarah, [this is a comma splice. You have complete sentences on either side of this comma. You need to either separate into 2 sentences, use a semicolon, or put a conjunction like "and" after the comma] she is discovered by Jon who gives her a band she names Serrated [the way you phrase this, it sounds like he's giving her a puppy. He gives her a band? Also, why is the name of the band relevant?]. She is close to getting her own record label and life couldn’t get better. Then Frank comes back into her life.

Your use of "things seem to be looking up" and "life couldn't get better" are like wasted opportunities. They're generic/cliched phrases that don't tell us much about why this particular story is special. Apart from the mention of the name of the world, I'm still not picking up on why this is sci-fi (but I'm obtuse like that, and certainly no expert). My concern about this query is that I have no sense of Sarah. These dramatic things happen to her, but none of her personality shines through at all. And if Frank is important, you have to say something about him as well--here, you just use his name, and it sort of sounds like this random guy "comes into her life" to make her a whore. What? Overall, I think you need to rewrite this again with a real focus on voice. It's not just what happens in the book--it's how you tell the story. And your query letter needs to hint at that and entice the agent not only with the plot, but also with the way you specifically are going to tell that story. One more thing--here's a link to a very helpful site that lays out the rules for comma usage: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/01/. You have a number of relatively systematic comma errors that make me concerned that your ms will also be full of these errors. They are easily fixed if you know the rules.