I'm A Nobody, newest on page four

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stephmcgee
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Re: I'm A Nobody, Revised shorter version after rejections

Post by stephmcgee » September 25th, 2010, 2:58 am

Dear Agent:

Dominic Taylor can open locked doors with a touchdeleted the comma as it's not a series of abilities and pass by cameras without being seen. When he meets Jennifer, a classmate with similar powers, he follows her through a door to another world. He is caught in a war between the powerful Fey I agree, too, that you might need a snippet of clarification on what a fey is.and H.E.R.O.S., the human organization against magic organization against magic seems rather nebulous. Could you instead explain out the acronym? Meaning, perhaps, say the title of the organization then give the acronym? (That's usually how it's done in academia and other writings for clarity.). When HEROS attacks, the Fey close the gates between worlds, and Dominic finds himself trapped in enemy territory.Agreed on needing some clarity here. Is he trapped in the human world or in the fey world? Did H.E.R.O.S. attack all the fey or just Dominic and Jessica, who I presume to be half-fey?

As he searches for a way home, Dominic learns that his deceased father was one of the Fey, and that he was a traitor. Working for HEROSAgain add the periods as it's an acronym and this will prevent the agent thinking you've misspelled a word., his father researched the Source of Magic, which could be used to wipe out the Fey and half-FeyAdded in a hyphen in a single strike, Dominic included. To find the Source and prevent HEROS from destroying it, Dominic and Jennifer must team up with a hyperactive Fey princess, a short tempered Royal Guard, and a pair of suspicious HEROS scientists. If they fail, it will be the death of an entire world.

My young adult fantasy novel, I’M A NOBODY is complete at 60,000 words. I chose to submit it for your consideration because (Insert personalized reason)

This is my first novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

I do find this an intriguing query. The premise sounds like it's pretty unique but I'm missing something in the letter. I guess what I'm thinking is that I'm not getting a feel for Dominic's voice. If that makes any sense. I've read the first page here on Nathan's forum and there's definitely a distinct voice there. You might take a look at that page and at the manuscript and see what markers of Dominic's narration you can identify and then incorporate into the query. I agree with others who've said it's probably best not to mention that it's your first novel. Even if it's not the first you've written, just the first you're trying to get published, it could be taken the wrong way.

jmbrinton
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Re: I'm A Nobody, Revised shorter version after rejections

Post by jmbrinton » September 25th, 2010, 5:30 pm

I agree that if HEROS is an acronym, which I'm assuming it is since you capped it all, it should be H.E.R.O.S. But the phrase that follows describes it as the human organization against magic. That would be HOAM. What does HEROS stand for? This sort of little detail makes me crazy!

It also bugs me when the title doesn't seem to have anything to do with the book. There is nothing in the query to suggest this kid thinks he is a nobody. In fact, it tells us he is half Fairy (that's what fey means, right?) and his dad was an important guy in the fairy world and he knows he can pass through locked doors.

I think the problem is there's no excitement--it sounds too cliche--boy enters world he never knew he existed and has to find something that we are told is important, that's been given a name that sounds important (the Source), and if he fails the whole world will be destroyed. We have no image of this special world and no one to root for. Will he find his father still alive? Is Jennifer a love interest?

The most interesting characters sound like the entourage of quirky accomplices.

It is so hard to start over when you've been living with a query for a long time but maybe you should start over. Try Nathan's Mad LIb Query for fun and see if it doesn't send you in a new direction. It worked for me!


WilliamMJones
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Re: I'm A Nobody, Revised shorter version after rejections

Post by WilliamMJones » September 27th, 2010, 5:38 pm

Thanks for the feedback. Here's my new attempt at the query. I chose to keep HEROS rather than H.E.R.O.S. because I think it looks better, and thingss like FBI, NATO, and AIDS don't have periods. I tried to show the reason behind the title, how he doesn't fit with either the humans or the Fey, though I couldn't really fit the specific scene where the title came from. It's a bit longish, I'm still trying to cut it down, but I think the voice is much stronger.


Dear (Agent):

When the voices in Dominic Taylor’s head tell him to follow his classmate, Jennifer, she leads him to a world of powerful shapeshifters called the Fey. He’s caught in a war between the Fey and an anti-magic organization, HEROS (Humans Enforcing the Rights of Order and Safety). As he tries to find a way back to Earth, he learns that his dad was one of the Fey, and a traitor working for HEROS. Before his recent disappearance, he was researching the Source of Magic, an object that gives life to the Fey and half-Fey.

Because of his connection to his father, the Fey ask Dominic to help find the Source. He agrees, hoping to learn more about his dad's betrayal along the way. He’s forced to team up with an unpredictable Fey princess, a short tempered Royal Guard, and a pair of suspicious HEROS scientists. If they fail, HEROS will destroy the Source, and an entire world will die.

My young adult fantasy novel, I’M A NOBODY, is complete at 67,000 words. I chose to submit it for your consideration because (Insert personalized reason)

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

thewhipslip
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Re: I'm A Nobody, Revised shorter version after rejections

Post by thewhipslip » September 28th, 2010, 2:45 pm

I like this a lot. My comments below:

Dear (Agent):

When the voices in Dominic Taylor’s head tell him to follow his classmate, Jennifer, she leads him to a world of powerful shapeshifters called the Fey. He’s caught in a war between the Fey and an anti-magic organization, HEROS (Humans Enforcing the Rights of Order and Safety). As he tries to find a way back to Earth, he learns that his dad was one of the Fey, and a traitor working for HEROS. Before his recent disappearance, he was researching the Source of Magic, an object that gives life to the Fey and half-Fey.

Because of his connection to his father, the Fey ask Dominic to help find the Source So who has the Source? I was confused about that. Did his father have it, or know where it is? Is it lost? Is it hidden?. He agrees, hoping to learn more about his dad's betrayal along the way. He’s forced to team up with an unpredictable Fey princess, a short tempered Royal Guard, and a pair of suspicious HEROS scientists. If they fail, HEROS will destroy the Source, and an entire world will die.

My young adult fantasy novel, I’M A NOBODY, is complete at 67,000 words. I chose to submit it for your consideration because (Insert personalized reason)

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.[/quote]
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

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