Final query: Waiting for April

[JustineDell]

Oh, yeah - because you can only become immortal once, right? :-) I should have caught that. I guess maybe I didn't because April must die for Scott and the other "being" to keep being immortal. Interesting twist to the the story I might add...man - I would love to read this!

[JustineDell]

Dakota - thanks for the compliment also. I saw your query posted in the forum and if you wanted to post an updated one (if you made any changes), I'd be glad to take a shot at it (not that I am anyway a professional...please bare in mind).

~JD

[Jaime]

I totally love you guys!

Thanks Justine - and no, of course I won't throw you out of the window! :) I have read Nathan's examples, and a million others, and I know mine's a bit longer. My first draft was much shorter, but I found that people were asking a lot of questions, so I was worried that there wasn't enough info in it.

Oh, and he does become mortal again when April confesses her love. Originally Scott was eighteen, and April seventeen when she died, but they have had short-lived moments where they are both mortal together, and so over the centuries Scott has biologically aged to around 25. That's how the other person knows that it's time to kill her again - because that person becomes mortal again!
The premise is that the person who is killing her was never supposed to exist in the first place, and therefore Fate has no control over that person. That's why that person can affect Scott and April - Fate is trying to correct something that was never fated to happen in the first place by giving Scott and April more chances to be together. Fate can't stop April from being taken, but it can bring her back and put Scott on hold.

I was playing around with an idea, but it sort of comes across as 'dot-point'. This is the general gist of the story, though:

Dear [Agent],

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, is unaware that she is living her fifteenth life.

She doesn’t know that she has never before survived to see her twenty second birthday.
She is oblivious to the fact that Scott Parker, her best friend of five years, is actually her soul mate.
She has no memory of growing up with him in the early eighteenth century, or of falling in love with him and planning their wedding.
She also has no idea that whenever she dies, Scott Parker is rendered immortal until she returns to him and confesses her love.

Scott Parker knows.
Unfortunately, what Scott Parker doesn’t know is that there is someone else out there who is also made immortal when April Fletcher dies.

And that person is dead set on living forever.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.


What do you think? Too gimmicky? I always knew the query was gonna be painful! I just hope I don't have to post a billion of these in order to get it right! But I will persevere. I guess I just have to have a little more confidence in myself :)

Oh, and I LOVE that you LOVE the story!

[JustineDell]

Dear [Uber Agent] insert Nathan's name here... :-)

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, is unaware that she is living her fifteenth life.

She doesn’t know that she has never before survived to see her twenty second birthday. She is oblivious to the fact that Scott Parker, her best friend of five years, is actually her soul mate. She has no memory of growing up with him in the early eighteenth century, or of falling in love with him and planning their wedding. She also has no idea that whenever she dies, Scott Parker is rendered immortal until she returns to him and confesses her love.

Scott Parker knows. Unfortunately, what Scott Parker doesn’t know is that there is someone else out there who is also made immortal when April Fletcher dies. And that person is dead set on living forever.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.

NICE!!!!!!!! I didn't really like the way you had it formatted with each sentence being on it's own line, but that is my personal preference. I like paragraphs (sorry). But when you put it together in paragraphs - look how much info you have in such a short space -PERFECT!!! The only part I'm not sure about is the "best friend for five years part" - afterall, he has known her forever. Granted, she thinks they have only been friends 5 years, so I get that part. Otherwise, I think this is perfect. His conflict, her conflict, the outside conflict all balled into 3 tight paragraphs. And still...a very catchy story...very catchy indeed!!

And P.S. I think the purpose of the query is to get the agent to ask more questions about the story - HOOK EM!

[Jaime]

Haha, yes, Nathan is an Uber Agent, but I'm a little scared about querying him!

I wrote those sentences down ages ago, just to capture the main points. I don't know if I want to use 'She' at the start of every sentence if it is in a paragraph, but I can certainly try to work around that, especially if people feel that the sentences give you a very good feel for the actual story.
Thanks for all the feedback, Justine. It has come in very handy!

Jaime :)

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Jaime,

I’ll have a whack at it.

Dear [Uber Agent]

When twenty-one-year-old college student April Fletcher discovers she is living her fifteenth life, her life spins away from normal.

The hook is the fifteenth life—whoa! The rest of this sentence should give some hint of how mind-boggling and disorienting such a revelation might feel. The current “she begins to question the meaning of her existence in an otherwise normal world” feels a touch cliche. Another possibility: “her normal life disintegrates.”

Looking for an anchor, she turns to her best friend, Scott Parker, only to discover he was her fiancé in 1729.

For Scott, issues of immortality are nothing new. His immortal beginning started with April’s last breath in (the summer? winter? month? city? you pick) of 1729. He has witnessed April’s rebirth fourteen times over the last 280 years. With each new life, Scott must wait until April professes her love for him—then he is mortal. But when she dies, always before her 22nd birthday, he is returned to his immortal state.

Question: Does he have enough ‘mortal’ time with April to age significantly? Or does he revert back to some particular age when she dies? Probably doesn’t matter for the query—just curious.

Heartbroken over the loss of his beloved each time, Scott tries everything imaginable to keep April alive—even leaving her alone—but to no avail. In her fifteenth life, April is willing to do the same for Scott—deny her love to save him from further suffering.

As the lovers drift apart, Scott is forced to face the secret that might break their unending cycle of love and loss. There is another--someone whose immortality depends on April’s death.

And that person is dead set on living forever.

My novel, WAITING FOR APRIL, is complete at 120,000 words. I am querying you because . . .

I would leave out the identification of the book as paranormal romance. After reading the query, including this label seems redundant. If you want to, you could include the label in your subject line, i.e. Query—Paranormal Romance: Waiting for April.

I would also leave out the summary lines “is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.” To keep the query short, this would be an easy cut.

Faithfully,

Jaime.

I’m getting a good “The Time Traveler’s Wife” vibe here. Best of luck!

Ghost in the Machine

[Yoshima]

Dear [Agent],

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, is unaware that she is living her fifteenth life.

She doesn’t know that she has never before survived to see her twenty second (hyphenate numbers) birthday.
She is oblivious to the fact that Scott Parker, her best friend of five years, is actually her soul mate.
She has no memory of growing up with him in the early eighteenth century, or of falling in love with him and planning their wedding.
She also has no idea that whenever she dies, Scott Parker is rendered immortal until she returns to him and confesses her love.

Scott Parker knows.
Unfortunately, what Scott Parker doesn’t (this sentence has enough punch that it doesn't need italics.)know is that there is someone else out there who is also made immortal when April Fletcher dies.

And that person is dead set on living forever.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.

Wow! I love how it's not all explaination--it's all conflict. Great job, Jaime! I agree with Justine, though, about making them into a paragraph. I don't have anything else to say but FANTASTIC job and I hope your querying process goes well!

[Jaime]

Thanks Yoshima and Ghost in the Machine!

Everyone's enthusiasm for the story has really made me feel like I'm on the right track! I think I'll stick to the short version and see how that goes, but I'll post my final version before I start sending it out!

Jaime.

[Jaime]

Final version (hopefully!).

I would like to thank everyone who has critiqued this query - you've all been a fantastic help!


Dear [Agent],

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, is unaware that she is living her fifteenth life.

April doesn’t know that she has never before survived to see her twenty-second birthday, nor does she realise that Scott Parker, her best friend, is actually her soul mate. She has no memory of growing up with Scott in the early eighteenth century, or of falling in love with him and planning their wedding. Sadly, she is also oblivious to the fact that whenever she dies, Scott Parker is rendered immortal until she returns to him and confesses her love.

Scott Parker knows.
Unfortunately, what Scott Parker doesn’t know is that there is someone else out there who is also made immortal when April Fletcher dies.

And that person is dead set on living forever.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.

I am querying you because . . .

Sincerely,

Jaime.

Oh God, please let this be okay!!! And please, attack it if you must, fellow critique peeps! :)

[JustineDell]

[quote="Jaime"]

Dear [Agent],

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, is unaware that she is living her fifteenth life.

April doesn’t know she has never survived to see her twenty-second birthday, nor does she realise that Scott Parker, her best friend, is actually her soul mate. She has no memory of growing up with Scott in the early eighteenth century, their love, or the wedding they planned. Sadly, she is also oblivious to the fact that whenever she dies, Scott Parker is rendered immortal until she returns to him and confesses her love. I like how you added the new words so each doesn't start with "she", although I liked that way as well. I was being a nit-picky in this paragraph and took out a couple of words and re-arranged one sentence.

Scott Parker knows. Unfortunately, what Scott Parker doesn’t know is that there is someone else out there who is also made immortal when April Fletcher dies. And that person is dead set on living forever. I changed this sentence to make one paragraph - it looked off kilter the other way to me, but again - that's a personal thing.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.

I am querying you because . . .

Sincerely,

Jaime.

So, I think it is pretty darned fantastic just that way you had it! The changes I made were merely personal ones and you would be perfectly fine to keep it the way you had it. Kudos to Jaime!! I think you've got a great one here!!!

[Jaime]

Thanks Justine! Now I just have to have the confidence to send it out!!! Eeep! :)

[JustineDell]

You can do it. If you never try, you will never succeed!!!! :-) BEST OF LUCK!!!!

[Dankrubis]

Final version (hopefully!).

I would like to thank everyone who has critiqued this query - you've all been a fantastic help!


Dear [Agent],

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, is unaware that she is living her fifteenth life.

April doesn’t know that she has never before survived to see her twenty-second birthday, nor does she realise that Scott Parker, her best friend, is actually her soul mate. She has no memory of growing up with Scott in the early eighteenth century, or of falling in love with him and planning their wedding. Sadly, she is also oblivious to the fact that whenever she dies, Scott Parker is rendered immortal until she returns to him and confesses her love.

Scott Parker knows.
Unfortunately, what Scott Parker doesn’t know is that there is someone else out there who is also made immortal when April Fletcher dies.

And that person is dead set on living forever.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.

I am querying you because . . .

Sincerely,

Jaime.

Oh God, please let this be okay!!! And please, attack it if you must, fellow critique peeps! :)

I sat down to critique this, read through it, and couldn't really think of anything to critique. You're cleverly described an intriguing concept and I'm dying to know more. Seriously- fantastic job.

[lexcade]

...this is awesome.

good luck when you start querying. i have faith in you! just don't be afraid (i know, easier said than done). i have the feeling someone will say yes.

[Holly]

Final version (hopefully!).

I would like to thank everyone who has critiqued this query - you've all been a fantastic help!


Dear [Agent],

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, is unaware that she is living her fifteenth life. [Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, doesn't know that she is living her fifteenth life.]

April [also] doesn’t know that she has never [ cut before] survived to see her twenty-second birthday, nor does she realise that Scott Parker, her best friend, is actually her soul mate. She has no memory of growing up with Scott in the early eighteenth century, or of falling in love with him and planning their wedding. [Cut Sadly, she is also oblivious to the fact that] Whenever she dies, Scott Parker is rendered immortal until she returns to him and confesses her love.

Scott Parker knows.
Unfortunately, what Scott Parker doesn’t know is that there is someone else out there who is also made immortal when April Fletcher dies. [Unfortunately, what Scott Parker doesn’t know is someone else is out there who also becomes immortal when April Fletcher dies.]

And that person is dead set on living forever.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance [cut novel -- since this is fiction, it's a novel] about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst [while] trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.

I am querying you because . . .

Sincerely,

Jaime.

Oh God, please let this be okay!!! And please, attack it if you must, fellow critique peeps! :)

Just a few suggestions, take them or leave them (I am struggling with my own query). Good luck! Your story sounds intriguing.