Final query: Waiting for April

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Jaime
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Final query: Waiting for April

Post by Jaime » December 20th, 2009, 9:31 pm

For final query, please scroll down!


Hi everyone!

I have decided to bite the bullet and post this rough query. I am still in the process of editing, so please, PLEASE keep in mind that I am still hacking away at the word count! This is one version I have come up with, but I would love any feedback as to what its strengths and weaknesses are.


Dear [insert Agent’s name]

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, questions the meaning of her existence when she discovers she is living her fifteenth life, and that her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé prior to her first death in 1729.

Immortalised whenever April takes her last breath, and made mortal again only when she returns in her next life and confesses her love for him, Scott has fruitlessly searched for answers for nearly three hundred years as to how and why April comes back. The only thing he knows for certain is that April has never lived to celebrate her twenty-second birthday.

But when April denies her love for Scott in an attempt to save him from further heartbreak, her behaviour becomes dangerously unpredictable. Fearing he may lose April forever, Scott exposes his secret to others in order to help her, and in doing so, he discovers that there is someone else out there who is also immortalised when April dies – and that person is dead set on remaining immortal.

In Waiting for April, a 128,000 word paranormal romance novel, Scott Parker must win April Fletcher’s heart whilst trying to find the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death – before April’s time runs out. Again.

This novel is envisioned as the first of a trilogy, but could also stand alone.

[I have my reasons for wanting to pursue a certain agent . . . who may or may not be reading this rough query right now . . . cough, cough . . . and I would insert a couple of sentences here for said agent. Cough.]

Faithfully,

Jaime.


Okay, everybody - go nuts!!! I'll be rocking back and forth in the corner of my room while I wait . . .
Last edited by Jaime on January 27th, 2010, 8:09 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by shadow » December 20th, 2009, 10:23 pm

Let me give it a shot!

Dear [insert Agent’s name]

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, questions the meaning of her existence when she discovers she is living her fifteenth life, and that her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé prior to her first death in 1729.It might be just my opinion but that is a rockin start! I get whats the story about by reading your hook! YAY! Thats a good thing lol. Good stuff.

Immortalised whenever April takes her last breath, and made mortal again only when she returns in her next life and confesses her love for him, Scott has fruitlessly searched for answers for nearly three hundred years as to how and why April comes back. That was a bit of a weird sentence structure...The only thing he knows for certain is that April has never lived to celebrate her twenty-second birthday. Wait, is this from Aprils POV or Scotts??

But when April denies her love for Scott in an attempt to save him from further heartbreak, her behaviour becomes dangerously unpredictable. Fearing he may lose April forever, Scott exposes his secret to others in order to help her, to who and how would that help?and in doing so, he discovers that there is someone else out there who is also immortalised when April dies – and that person is dead set on remaining immortal.

In Waiting for April, I like the title a 128,000 word paranormal romance novel, Scott Parker must win April Fletcher’s heart whilst trying to find the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death – before April’s time runs out. Again.

This novel is envisioned as the first of a trilogy, but could also stand alone. I am not sure if you should include this at all..

[I have my reasons for wanting to pursue a certain agent . . . who may or may not be reading this rough query right now . . . cough, cough . . . and I would insert a couple of sentences here for said agent. Cough.]

Faithfully,

Jaime.

I liked it overall! Interesting story and great hook.
~shadow~
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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by Dakota388 » December 20th, 2009, 10:32 pm

Jaime wrote:Hi everyone!

I have decided to bite the bullet and post this rough query. I am still in the process of editing, so please, PLEASE keep in mind that I am still hacking away at the word count! This is one version I have come up with, but I would love any feedback as to what its strengths and weaknesses are.


Dear [insert Agent’s name]

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, questions the meaning of her existence when she discovers she is living her fifteenth life, Good concept, but maybe too much in the first sentence. Sugg. To make matters worse, her best friend... (Just a thought)and that her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé prior to her first death in 1729.

Immortalised Immortalizedwhenever April takes her last breath, and made mortal again only when she returns in her next life and confesses her love for him, Scott has fruitlessly searched for answers for nearly three hundred years as to how and why April comes back. I'm a little confused by this sentence. I had to read it a couple of times. The only thing he knows for certain is that April has never lived to celebrate her twenty-second birthday.

But when April denies her love for Scott in an attempt to save him from further heartbreak, her behavior becomes dangerously unpredictable Show us how it becomes unpredictable if that is important to the query. . Fearing he may lose April forever, Scott exposes his secret to others in order to help her, and in doing so, he discovers that there is someone else out there who is also immortalized when April diesAgain, too much happening for one sentence. – and that person is dead set on remaining immortal.

In Waiting for April, a 128,000 Don't know a lot about paranormal romance but 128,000 might be a tad long for a first time author.word paranormal romance novel, Scott Parker must win April Fletcher’s heart whilst trying to find the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death – before April’s time runs out. Again. As I'm reading this, I get a little lost on the vagueness of this person trying to remain immortal. I don't feel as though I get an idea of why this other person can stay immortal with her death.

This novel is envisioned as the first of a trilogy, but could also stand alone.

[I have my reasons for wanting to pursue a certain agent . . . who may or may not be reading this rough query right now . . . cough, cough . . . and I would insert a couple of sentences here for said agent. Cough.]

Faithfully,

Jaime.


Okay, everybody - go nuts!!! I'll be rocking back and forth in the corner of my room while I wait . . .
Just my extremely amateur opinion. Hope it helps a little. There are plenty of people way better at this than me that will help, I'm sure.
"The Light of Epertase"-A fantasy novel coming August 1st from Rhemalda Publishing

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Jaime
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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by Jaime » December 20th, 2009, 10:57 pm

Thanks so much, both of you!

Shadow - I should have mentioned that the POV is from both April and Scott, chapter by chapter. Of the ten beta readers I've given it to so far, each one found it easy to follow, so hopefully an agent will too!

Dakota 388 - the spelling differences are due to the fact that I'm an Aussie. I'm not going to change this for the purpose of a query, but certainly will for the manuscript itself when the time comes. Thanks for the helpful advice, though! I don't want to give away too much in the query, but will certainly consider rewording or expanding on a couple of the points you've brought up.

Thanks again!

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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by Emily White » December 21st, 2009, 8:41 am

Jaime wrote:Hi everyone!

I have decided to bite the bullet and post this rough query. I am still in the process of editing, so please, PLEASE keep in mind that I am still hacking away at the word count! This is one version I have come up with, but I would love any feedback as to what its strengths and weaknesses are.


Dear [insert Agent’s name]

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, questions the meaning of her existence when she discovers she is living her fifteenth life, and that her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé prior to her first death in 1729.

Immortalised whenever April takes her last breath, and made mortal again only when she returns in her next life and confesses her love for him, Scott has fruitlessly searched for answers for nearly three hundred years as to how and why April comes back. The only thing he knows for certain is that April has never lived to celebrate her twenty-second birthday.

But when April denies her love for Scott in an attempt to save him from further heartbreak, her behaviour becomes dangerously unpredictable. It may be just me, but an idea of what you mean by "dangerously unpredictable" would be more grabbing Fearing he may lose April forever, Scott exposes his secret to others in order to help her, and in doing so, he discovers that there is someone else out there who is also immortalised when April dies – and that person is dead set on remaining immortal. Aaah... so this person is killing April. Interesting.

In Waiting for April, a 128,000 word paranormal romance novel, Scott Parker must win April Fletcher’s heart whilst trying to find the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death – before April’s time runs out. Again.

This novel is envisioned as the first of a trilogy, but could also stand alone. I agree with the other poster who said to leave this out. Sell this novel. Worry about the others afterward.

[I have my reasons for wanting to pursue a certain agent . . . who may or may not be reading this rough query right now . . . cough, cough . . . and I would insert a couple of sentences here for said agent. Cough.] ;)

Faithfully,

Jaime.


Okay, everybody - go nuts!!! I'll be rocking back and forth in the corner of my room while I wait . . .
Overall, I liked it! I wish you luck!
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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by Sara » December 21st, 2009, 10:08 am

Hi, Jaime

I'm no expert but, here goes.

I think you've made a great start here. Your opening sentence is terrific--it hooked me. But then I got a little confused.

There are POV issues. I entered the second sentence assuming I was with April only to discover I was now with Scott forcing me to go back and reread. Multiple POVs in queries are tough but there's no reason you can't pull it off. Maybe begin your second para with..For Scott,... or something similiar so we can latch onto the change immediately.

You're story seems wonderful; it threw a ton of questions at me. But I was disappointed when I didn't find my answers in the query. Most of these arose from questions of motivation. Firstly, what does being immortalized mean? Is it a Highlander kind of immortality where you remain on earth? Do you essentially 'die' and go to a different place only to come back and start again? You say it's April's fifteenth life so I guessed she went elsewhere only to return again. Scott too, only Scott's conscious of this cycle and April's not? Clearly April and Scott are inextricably linked but if they keep coming back, or both exist for a time in some other realm, why is it that this time April's death is so significant?

There's clearly a race against time with April's 22nd birthday approaching but a race for what? April's going to die again but so what? She's already died several times yet she and Scott have found a way to be together again. What do Scott and April want to do differently this time? Break the cycle and be together forever? Do they want mortality or immortality? I think it's important that this is clear because it gives you a greater platform for throwing the antagonist into the mix. For me, the bad guy's just not that clear yet--I'm sure s/he's one hell of a creep in the story.

I think you have a real gem of a story here--it's such an exciting idea (I don't envy you having to tackle it in a query).

Hope this helps.

Good luck

Sara

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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by skottk » December 21st, 2009, 10:42 am

Jaime wrote:Hi everyone!

I have decided to bite the bullet and post this rough query. I am still in the process of editing, so please, PLEASE keep in mind that I am still hacking away at the word count! This is one version I have come up with, but I would love any feedback as to what its strengths and weaknesses are.


Dear [insert Agent’s name]

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, questions the meaning of her existence when she discovers she is living her fifteenth life, and that her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé prior to her first death in 1729.

Immortalised whenever April takes her last breath, and made mortal again only when she returns in her next life and confesses her love for him, Scott has fruitlessly searched for answers for nearly three hundred years as to how and why April comes back. The only thing he knows for certain is that April has never lived to celebrate her twenty-second birthday.
I would find this easier to follow if you were clearer about what you meant by "immortalized". I think that the usual meaning of "immortalized" is the sense of "immortalized in song," and that's clearly not what you mean here. Once I understood this sentence I immediately wondered: How does April's death make him immortal? How does he know that April's death makes him immortal? What if he dies first? SHOULDN'T he try to die first, if he cares about her at all? Is April the only one living over and over again, or does everybody do that? I guess one sign of a great concept is the questions it provokes.
But when April denies her love for Scott in an attempt to save him from further heartbreak, her behaviour becomes dangerously unpredictable. Fearing he may lose April forever, Scott exposes his secret to others in order to help her, and in doing so, he discovers that there is someone else out there who is also immortalised when April dies – and that person is dead set on remaining immortal.
If the rules are the same for the other person, doesn't that other person only have to make sure that April doesn't fall in love with him, or with her? If Scott just stayed away from April, so she never confessed her love to him, wouldn't that leave him permanently immortal? He'd have to be able to put up with her dying before 22 over and over again, but presumably the other person wouldn't have that concern.
I'm not trying to kill your story, but to understand it. This sounds like a very sweet story; the first time I read the query through, my one thought was whether there was a better word to use than "immortalized." But after further thought, I'm not sure I see the conflict, especially given how little I know about second immortal and his or her motives or methods.
Hmm.
Are you hinting that the second immortal is the one who kills April before her twenty-second birthday every life? If you are, it's really easy to miss that hint.

In Waiting for April, a 128,000 word paranormal romance novel, Scott Parker must win April Fletcher’s heart whilst trying to find the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death – before April’s time runs out. Again.

This novel is envisioned as the first of a trilogy, but could also stand alone.

[I have my reasons for wanting to pursue a certain agent . . . who may or may not be reading this rough query right now . . . cough, cough . . . and I would insert a couple of sentences here for said agent. Cough.]

Faithfully,

Jaime.

Okay, everybody - go nuts!!! I'll be rocking back and forth in the corner of my room while I wait . . .
I know the feeling. Remember, the query isn't your baby, it's just a picture of your baby. You can always take another picture, or just Photoshop the one you already have. :)

I like the concept of your story, which reminds me pleasantly of Time Traveler's Wife or Paladin of Souls. I just have a hard time understanding the story from the picture of it I've seen thus far.

SK

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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by BransfordGroupie » December 21st, 2009, 3:51 pm

I am no expert... grain of salt and all that. But before I start may I first say AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE... It's great to see a fellow Australian sloggin away. G'day mate.
Jaime wrote:Hi everyone!

I have decided to bite the bullet and post this rough query. I am still in the process of editing, so please, PLEASE keep in mind that I am still hacking away at the word count! This is one version I have come up with, but I would love any feedback as to what its strengths and weaknesses are.


Dear [insert Agent’s name]

Love the hook! But with a little shifting around it could create an even bigger splash.
Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, questions the meaning of her existence (as I read up to here I was thinking, oh no, another meaning of life story... yawn) when she discovers she is living her fifteenth life (then you hooked me), and that her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé prior to her first death in 1729. (and sweetened the deal).

So you could end up with something like:
When Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, discovers she is living her fifteenth life, she questions....
Or ...
Now in her fifteenth life, Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher discovers her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé prior to her first death in 1729 and she questions the meaning of her existence.
This is just my thoughts though. You’ve got the hook no matter what.


Immortalised whenever April takes her last breath, and made mortal again only when she returns in her next life and confesses her love for him,I have to agree with everyone here, I stumbled on this sentense a few times. Scott has fruitlessly (don't know if you need 'fruitlessly' but that is just a matter of taste.) searched for answers for nearly three hundred years as to how and why April comes back. The only thing he knows for certain is that April has never lived to celebrate her twenty-second birthday. And I am hooked again.

But when April denies her love for Scott in an attempt to save him from further heartbreak, her behaviour becomes dangerously unpredictable. Fearing he may lose April forever, Scott exposes his secret to others in order to help her, but wouldn't that endanger her even more? and in doing so, he discovers that there is someone else out there who is also immortalised when April dies – and that person is dead set on remaining immortal. Now I want the book!

In Waiting for April, a 128,000 word paranormal romance novel, Scott Parker must win April Fletcher’s heart whilst trying to find the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death – before April’s time runs out. Again.

This novel is envisioned as the first of a trilogy, but could also stand alone.

[I have my reasons for wanting to pursue a certain agent . . . who may or may not be reading this rough query right now . . . cough, cough . . . and I would insert a couple of sentences here for said agent. Cough.]

Faithfully,

Jaime.


Okay, everybody - go nuts!!! I'll be rocking back and forth in the corner of my room while I wait . . .
There is a bit of work to do with your query but I can definately see one hell of a hum-dinger of a story there. Good luck.

Don't know if this helped or not ... I wonder if there is a qritique the qritique thread somewhere.
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Jaime
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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by Jaime » December 21st, 2009, 7:34 pm

Oh WOW!

Thank you for such wonderful feedback, everybody! It gets to a point where you're so close to your story that you're not sure how much information to put in the query, so my main goal was to see how much people needed to know - so thank you all!

Skottk:
I would find this easier to follow if you were clearer about what you meant by "immortalized". I think that the usual meaning of "immortalized" is the sense of "immortalized in song," and that's clearly not what you mean here. Once I understood this sentence I immediately wondered: How does April's death make him immortal? How does he know that April's death makes him immortal? What if he dies first? SHOULDN'T he try to die first, if he cares about her at all? Is April the only one living over and over again, or does everybody do that? I guess one sign of a great concept is the questions it provokes.
I didn't realise I was carrying the characters' perspectives into that paragraph until you pointed it out. In the book, they have no idea how or why it's happening, or what to call it - 'vulnerable'; 'stuck'; 'immortalised'. As the writer, I should elaborate, especially with the fact that they are the only ones who have this happen to them. My bad!
If the rules are the same for the other person, doesn't that other person only have to make sure that April doesn't fall in love with him, or with her? If Scott just stayed away from April, so she never confessed her love to him, wouldn't that leave him permanently immortal? He'd have to be able to put up with her dying before 22 over and over again, but presumably the other person wouldn't have that concern.
I'm not trying to kill your story, but to understand it. This sounds like a very sweet story; the first time I read the query through, my one thought was whether there was a better word to use than "immortalized." But after further thought, I'm not sure I see the conflict, especially given how little I know about second immortal and his or her motives or methods.
Hmm.
Are you hinting that the second immortal is the one who kills April before her twenty-second birthday every life? If you are, it's really easy to miss that hint.
Yes, yes, and yes. :) All of the above scenarios are answered in the book, but I'm not sure if that's something I should put in a query . . . but perhaps putting a little more of Scott's motivation (he simply wants to live one full life with the woman he loves), as opposed to the second immortal's motivation (simply wants to live forever), would help.

BG - OI OI OI! G'day! The second paragraph certainly needs rewording! And it's funny you mention the word 'fruitlessly'. I put that in at the last second! Hmm. I'll rethink that one ;) I should also make it clear in the third paragraph that when he exposes his secret, he doesn't expose April's identity . . .

Sara - great feedback! I should focus more on Scott's motivation to keep April alive (apart from the fact that he loves her), and why this lifetime is important. And, yeah, it's a Highlander kind of immortality :) He is left behind, and April is reborn as the same person. I think my best bet will be to elaborate on the second immortal's circumstances, and the fact that s/he has the ability to affect Scott and April.

Well, back to the drawing board! This feedback has been extremely helpful - thank you!!! Hopefully I'll have a revision up here soon!

Jaime

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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by Jaime » January 24th, 2010, 7:10 am

Okay, so I'm at the stage now where I can't move forward unless I get some more feedback! Please chime in if it doesn't make sense, or if there's too much information! I've tried to address the original issues as suggested by those who have critiqued it so far. Thanks in advance for any further suggestions!

Dear [Uber Agent]

When twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, discovers she is living her fifteenth life, she begins to question the meaning of her existence in an otherwise normal world. Her life is further complicated when she finds out that her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé prior to her first death in 1729.

For Scott, life is not worth living without his childhood sweetheart, April – and he would know. Having been unexplainably rendered immortal with April’s last breath in 1729, he has now seen her miraculously reborn as the same person fourteen times over the past two hundred and eighty years. Unable to age, change, or be harmed in any way, Scott has tried everything he can think of to keep April alive – including leaving her alone to live a life without him – but to no avail.

So far, only two things are certain: Scott’s mortality is returned when April confesses her love for him in each life, only to be reclaimed with her last breath, and; April has never lived to celebrate her twenty-second birthday. But this time, after discovering her past and what she believes is her inevitably grim future, April denies her love for Scott in an attempt to save him from further heartbreak.

Fearing that their souls are drifting apart, and that he may never get another chance to change their fate, Scott is forced to expose his secret in a search for answers as to how and why they have been forced to live this way. In doing so he discovers that, although Fate is responsible for his immortality and the constant return of April, Fate has no control over another being who, like Scott, is also rendered immortal when April dies.

And that person is dead set on living forever.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.

I am querying you because . . .

Faithfully,

Jaime.

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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by Dakota388 » January 24th, 2010, 10:17 am

Jaime wrote:Okay, so I'm at the stage now where I can't move forward unless I get some more feedback! Please chime in if it doesn't make sense, or if there's too much information! I've tried to address the original issues as suggested by those who have critiqued it so far. Thanks in advance for any further suggestions!

I think this is getting a lot better. Some of my comments are pretty minor.

Dear [Uber Agent]

When twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, discovers she is living her fifteenth life, she begins to question the meaning of her existence in an otherwise normal world. Her life is further complicated when she finds out that her best friend, Scott Parker, was actually her fiancé sugg to help flow- "...fiance during her first life." Petty, I know. I left out the year since you repeat it in the next paragraph.prior to her first death in 1729. I really like this first paragraph.

For Scott, life is not worth living without his childhood sweetheart, April – and he would know. Having been unexplainably rendered immortal with April’s last breath in 1729, he has now seen her miraculously reborn as the same person fourteen times over the past two hundred and eighty years Since the year is already there and the query makes me believe we are in modern times, I don't think you have to do the math for us. I realized without reading this line that it was close to 300 years. Just a suggestion to save space.. Unable to age, change, or be harmed in any way, Scott has tried everything he can think of to keep April alive – including leaving her alone to live a life without him – but to no avail. It may just be me but how would staying away from her help with her problem? After reading the whole query, I understand but at this point, even though it is perfectly clear in your head, I struggle. Also, I think at this point you start to jump from April to Scott as the MC of this query.

So far, only two things are certain: Scott’s mortality is returned when April confesses her love for him in each life, only to be reclaimed with her last breath, and; April has never lived to celebrate her twenty-second birthday. But this time, after discovering her past and what she believes is her inevitably grim future, April denies her love for Scott in an attempt to save him from further heartbreak.

Fearing that their souls are drifting apart, and that he may never get another chance to change their fate, Scott is forced tomakes this sentence more passive than it needs to be. exposes his secret in a search for answers. as to how and why they have been forced to live this way. Seems unnecessary. In doing so he discovers that, although Fate is responsible for his immortality and the constant return of April, Fate has no control over another being who, like Scott, is also rendered immortal when April dies. This last sentence confused me. Making fate so active kind of takes away from April's struggle in my opinion. Does that make sense? I would leave out fate as it distracts me from April. I know that it is probably a theme to your story but it seems vague and, I think, takes away from a pretty good-sounding story.

And that person is dead set on living forever.

I am really starting to like this query. Toward the end I became a little confused. Who is dead set on living forever. I may have missed it in my read through but at some point I lost track of who the MC was--Scott or April?

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death. Awesome summary. I would read this book in a second. As an agent, not that I would really know, but I think they may struggle with the last part of your query as I did. Then again, I may have just missed something and the next critique may not. Good luck. I'll be interested in hearing about your querying process.

I am querying you because . . .

Faithfully,

Jaime.
"The Light of Epertase"-A fantasy novel coming August 1st from Rhemalda Publishing

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Re: Revised query: Waiting for April

Post by Bryan Russell/Ink » January 24th, 2010, 10:30 am

The story sounds great, Jaime. I think Dakota ticked off the few minor points re. the story, and I'd just add that the semicolon in paragraph 3 seems out of place.

Best of luck,
Ink
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Re: Revised query: Waiting for April

Post by Jaime » January 24th, 2010, 5:52 pm

Thanks Bryan and Dakota388!

I'm officially at the stage where the query is doing my head in! Writing the novel from two different points of view was easy. The query? Not so much.

Dakota, I will definitely revamp that last paragraph. It's difficult to know how many answers to give in a query, but I'll try to give the antagonist a little more description in my next draft.

Back to the drawing board!

Thanks again,

Jaime.

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Re: Query help: Waiting for April

Post by JustineDell » January 25th, 2010, 9:21 am

Okay, by no means am I a professional, but I thought I would give it a shot. Have you ever looked at Nathan's query examples? The reason I ask because your's is quite a bit longer than than what he posted. I remember one specifically that introduced the characters and the conflict in three sentences! (Amazing!) Nathan's exact words were "Boom - tight", straight to the point and had him wanting more. I'm not saying your's can be done in three sentences, but there would be a benefit in shortening it and hooking the agent for more. With that being said - I love your story and my critique of your synopsis is soley for the purpose of shortening it (I think what you have written already is wonderful and I would totally read this book)
Jaime wrote:
Dear [Uber Agent]

Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher is living her fifteenth life, and she's questioning the meaning of her existence in an otherwise normal world. For Scott Parker, life is not worth living without April, his childhood sweetheart and fiancé prior to her first death in 1729. April never lives to see the age of twenty-two and each time she dies, Scott becomes immortal.

As time passes, Scott fears that with each new life April has, their souls are drifting apart. Scott searches for answers as to how and why they have been forced to live this way. He discovers that, although Fate is responsible for his immortality and the constant return of April, Fate has no control over another being who, like Scott, is also rendered immortal when April dies.

And that person is dead set on living forever.

Complete at 120,000 words, WAITING FOR APRIL is a paranormal romance novel about a man who would sacrifice his immortality and race against time to keep his soul mate alive, whilst trying to discover the identity of the one whose immortality is dependent on her recurring death.

I am querying you because . . .

Faithfully,

Jaime.
Okay, so I totally undestand if you hate me for the fact that I really cut down your query. I million sorry's if I have offended you. There's this little bug in my head that constantly reminds me that they need to be concise, to the point, and have that all so important hook that grabs the agent - making them want to read more. I know how hard it is the cut down your work (I hate it more than anything myself - it feels like part of my own heart is being ripped out), but in your case, I think it was too long. Totally wonderful, but long. If you totally hate the way I cut it down, maybe you could find a way to shorten it with still making sure you are getting in all the important facts you want to include? Just a thought - or you can totally throw it (or me) out the window if you want. But I LOVE the premise of this story!!! It's very interesting.

~JD

http://www.justine-dell.blogspot.com/

"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

Dakota388
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Joined: December 9th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Re: Revised query: Waiting for April

Post by Dakota388 » January 25th, 2010, 9:43 am

JD,
I should have had you rewrite my query. I don't know what Jaime thinks of your revision but I think you did a decent job. I think you would need to change the last sentence of the first paragraph as once you become immortal, you can't become immortal again. Maybe something like, "...Scott unnaturally lives on, alone and questioning why he has to lose her each time." Just a suggestion.
"The Light of Epertase"-A fantasy novel coming August 1st from Rhemalda Publishing

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