YA Urban Fantasy - CHANNELING TROUBLE (revised)

[jessicatudor]

I've rewritten this with the premise-complication-stakes format and then gone over it again and again with my CP's. What do you think? :)

Dear [AGENT NAME],

Ronnie Casate has only done little things with her mind-control abilities like nab a spot on student council or pass chemistry, especially since her parents have always dissuaded her talent. She’d never abuse the psychic channels connecting everything (and everyone), and besides, in high school, Ronnie doesn’t need special powers to know what’s on most people’s minds. Then the Agency keeping tabs on channelers asks for her help. Someone is selling out channelers around the city to the People United Against Channelers, or Pukers, and the Agency wants her to find out who. Ronnie refuses until they threaten her mom. To keep her family safe, Ronnie will help the Agency.

But someone at the Agency doesn’t want Ronnie snooping. When Ronnie acts on conflicting orders, she’s forced to flee the Agency before they kill her for ruining the mission and throwing years of work into jeopardy. Ronnie runs straight into the one place they won’t look: Adrian Latham’s arms. Adrian is smart, handsome, and a Puker. He doesn’t know what she is, and Ronnie’s determined he won’t find out. But how is she supposed to hide her powers when they’re getting stronger every time she uses them? And if Ronnie’s powers are so great, why has her family kept her from using them?

If Ronnie doesn’t return to the Agency, they’ll hurt her parents. If she stays with Adrian, he’ll discover she’s a channeler. If she keeps running, she’ll never understand her powers. And if she doesn’t show up at school sometime soon, she’s going to fail three months before graduation. With time and options running out, Ronnie must trust the little things she can do (and the big things she’s learning) to save everyone she cares about by uncovering and stopping the spies. If Ronnie makes it out alive, her mother has a lot of explaining to do.

CHANNELING TROUBLE, my YA urban fantasy, is complete at 60,000 words. [PERSONALIZATION/REASON FOR QUERY.] I have a BA in English/Creative Writing from Eastern University, and Drollerie Press included my YA fantasy short story, “The Blood Myth,” in its recent anthology STRAYING FROM THE PATH.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
lMy info]

[HillaryJ]

Ronnie Casate has only done little things with her mind-control abilities like nab a spot on student council or pass chemistry, especially since her parents have always dissuaded her talent. *this sentence is structured oddly, and it isn't a real strong hook. If you want to start with it, read it aloud and figure out how to condense it and make it pop* She’d never abuse the psychic channels connecting everything (and everyone), and besides, in high school, Ronnie doesn’t need special powers to know what’s on most people’s minds. *Suggest striking the entire preceding sentence. It's not necessary, and the query is pretty long* Then the Agency keeping tabs on channelers asks for her help. Someone is selling out channelers around the city to the People United Against Channelers, or Pukers, and the Agency wants her to find out who. Ronnie refuses until they threaten her mom. To keep her family safe, Ronnie will help the Agency. *This is high stakes, and gives her a strong motivation, but the language feels flat. Can you spice it up?*

But someone at the Agency doesn’t want Ronnie snooping. When Ronnie acts on conflicting orders, she’s forced to flee the Agency before they kill her for ruining the mission and throwing years of work into jeopardy. *Again, high stakes, so make the language reflect that. Get our hearts racing for this kid!* Ronnie runs straight into the one place they won’t look: Adrian Latham’s arms. Adrian is smart, handsome, and a Puker. He doesn’t know what she is, and Ronnie’s determined he won’t find out. But how is she supposed to hide her powers when they’re getting stronger every time she uses them? And if Ronnie’s powers are so great, why has her family kept her from using them? *Try to stay away from rhetorical questions. Ronnie questions why, if her powers are so great, her family has been hellbent on keeping her from using them.*

If Ronnie doesn’t return to the Agency, they’ll hurt her parents. If she stays with Adrian, he’ll discover she’s a channeler. If she keeps running, she’ll never understand her powers. And if she doesn’t show up at school sometime soon, she’s going to fail three months before graduation. With time and options running out, Ronnie must trust the little things she can do (and the big things she’s learning) to save everyone she cares about by uncovering and stopping the spies. If Ronnie makes it out alive, her mother has a lot of explaining to do.

There is so much information in here that it feels like a condensed synopsis. That's not a bad thing. You've got Ronnie's goals, her obstacles and the main characters. Now, trim it down and focus on a few major points of conflict. Use strong language (evocative words, not curse words) to heighten the emotions and give it a voice. You're on the right path.

Good luck.

[GeeGee55]

I think this is pretty good, I get a good sense of what the story is about. But the sentences could be a little tighter. I know how incredibly difficult this is. Good for you for keeping at it.

I've rewritten this with the premise-complication-stakes format and then gone over it again and again with my CP's. What do you think? :)

Dear [AGENT NAME],

So, I ask myself what is unusual in this scenario? What needs to stand out? Mind-control abililites! Try perhaps: Ronnie Casate has mind-control abiliites. Because of her parents' warnings, she's only used her talent for small things, like passing chemistry or nabbing a spot on the student council. Then the Agency keeping tabs on channelers asks for her help. This is just playing with the sentences to make the ideas flow together, give it a try Ronnie Casate has only done little things with her mind-control abilities like nab a spot on student council or pass chemistry, especially since her parents have always dissuaded just a nitpick, I don't think you can dissuade someone's talent, you dissuade them from using their talent her talent. She’d never abuse the psychic channels connecting everything (and everyone), and besides, in high school, Ronnie doesn’t need special powers to know what’s on most people’s minds. Then the Agency keeping tabs on channelers asks for her help. Someone is selling out channelers around the city to the People United Against Channelers, or Pukers, and the Agency wants her to find out who. Ronnie refuses until they threaten her mom. To keep her family safe, Ronnie will help the Agency. - don't think you need this last sentence, it just restates what's in the previous sentence

But someone at the Agency doesn’t want Ronnie snooping. When Ronnie acts on conflicting orders, she’s forced to flee the Agency before they kill her for ruining the mission and throwing years of work into jeopardy. Ronnie runs straight into to the one place they won’t look: Adrian Latham’s arms. Adrian is smart, handsome, and a Puker. He doesn’t know what she is, and Ronnie’s determined he won’t find out. But how is she supposed to hide her powers when they’re getting stronger every time she uses them? And if Ronnie’s powers are so great, why has her family kept her tried to keep her, they haven't succeeded have they from using them?

If Ronnie doesn’t return to the Agency, they’ll hurt bigger word needed, maybe torture or kill her parents. If she stays with Adrian, he’ll discover she’s a channeler. If she keeps running, she’ll never understand her powers. And if she doesn’t show up at school sometime soon, she’s going to fail three months before graduation. - I like all this precedingWith time and options running out, Ronnie must trust the little things she can do (and the big things she’s learning) to save everyone she cares about by uncovering and stopping the spies. Perhaps: With time and options running out, Ronnie must uncover and stop the spies to save everyone she loves. And that's not quite right either, but I don't think the clauses flow well, it could be trying to fit in too much info in one sentence If Ronnie makes it out alive, her mother has a lot of explaining to do.- I think you could omit this sentence, it feels like the wrong place to end, seems kind of tacked on

CHANNELING TROUBLE, my YA urban fantasy, is complete at 60,000 words. [PERSONALIZATION/REASON FOR QUERY.] I have a BA in English/Creative Writing from Eastern University, and Drollerie Press included my YA fantasy short story, “The Blood Myth,” in its recent anthology STRAYING FROM THE PATH. Good for you

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
lMy info]

I think you've got a pretty good query here. Good luck with it.

[Meredith]

I'm a long way from being an expert on queries since I'm still trying to hit that sweet spot myself.

That said, this feels like too much of a synopsis to me. I think it's just too long.

I've rewritten this with the premise-complication-stakes format and then gone over it again and again with my CP's. What do you think? :)

Dear [AGENT NAME],

Ronnie Casate has only done little things with hermind-control abilities. like nab a spot on student council or pass chemistry, especially sincehHer parents have always dissuaded warned her against using her talent. She’d never abuse the psychic channels connecting everything (and everyone), and besides, in In high school, Ronnie doesn’t need special powers to know what’s on most people’s minds.Then the Agency keeping tabs on channelers asks for her help.

Someone is selling out channelers around the city to the People United Against Channelers, or Pukers, and the Agency wants forces her to help them find out who, Ronnie refuses until they threaten her mom. To keep her family safe, Ronnie will help the Agency.but someone at the Agency doesn’t want Ronnie snoopingthere's a traitor at the Agency who wants Ronnie to fail. When Ronnie acts on conflicting orders, she’s forced to flee the Agency before they kill her for ruining the mission and throwing years of work into jeopardy.is set up, she has to run for her life, Ronnie runsstraight into the one place they won’t look: Adrian Latham’s arms. Adrian is smart, handsome, and a Puker. He doesn’t know what she is, and Ronnie’s determined he won’t find out. Ronnie can't let him find out what she is, Bbut how is she supposed to hide her powers when they’re getting stronger every time she uses them? And if Ronnie's powers are so great . . .

If Ronnie doesn’t return to the Agency, they’ll hurt her parents. If she stays with Adrian, he’ll discover she’s a channeler. If she keeps running, she’ll never understand her powers. And if she doesn’t show up at school sometime soon, she’s going to fail three months before graduation. With time and options running out, Ronnie must trust the little things she can do (and the big things she’s learning) ther abilities to save everyone she cares about by uncovering and stopping the spies. If Ronnie makes it out alive, her mother has a lot of explaining to do.

CHANNELING TROUBLE, my YA urban fantasy, is complete at 60,000 words. [PERSONALIZATION/REASON FOR QUERY.] I have a BA in English/Creative Writing from Eastern University, and Drollerie Press included my YA fantasy short story, “The Blood Myth,” in its recent anthology STRAYING FROM THE PATH.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
lMy info]

In the last paragraph, leave off complete. It should be or you shouldn't be querying. Personally, I'd leave in the publishing credit--Congratulations!--and leave out the degree.

Hope this helps.