3rd try Query- CAPTIVATED
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 4:40 pm
ATTEMPT 3 See, this is why I'm glad I posted here before actually querying. Please keep the good advice coming, people!!!
Dear Agent,
Having superpowers isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
As the only child of a telepathic mother and an infinitely strong father, Johnny Hart can read minds, manipulate electricity, and possesses sheer brute strength any guy would kill for. Johnny never asked for any of it. All he wants is to be normal. Ever since his parents died, leaving him in the care of his aunt and uncle, he’s hidden his talents, keeping everyone but his family at arm’s length to protect his secret. Now, his cousin’s new best friend could be his undoing.
When Cat Kelly moves to town, she’s instantly smitten with her new friend Livvie’s hot, mysterious older cousin. She knows he’s hiding something, and as their relationship transforms from young infatuation into a connection between soulmates, Johnny finds it impossible to keep his secret from Cat.
Johnny has major issues threatening his relationship. His parents died while on a mission for The Protectors, a secret team of paranormals. Now the team’s leader, Rodrick, has been relentlessly pursuing him in an effort to recruit Johnny to the team. Johnny has no desire to meet the same fate as his parents, and refuses to have any part of it. But when a stranger begins stalking him, he discovers Rodrick is not the only one who covets his talents.
When a vicious assault thrusts Cat into the center of the dangerous tug-of-war over Johnny, he makes a difficult decision: he agrees to do Rodrick’s bidding in exchange for protection for the love of his life. But he may be in over his head when he discovers the scary truth about Rodrick. The Protectors are really a front to conceal a much more twisted agenda: Rodrick’s been experimenting with their DNA in an attempt to engineer his own army of enhanced supersoldiers. As if that’s not bad enough, he plans on using Cat as his first human test subject. Johnny must find a way to release Cat—and himself—from Rodrick’s clutches, before it’s too late.
Complete at approximately 165,000 words, CAPTIVATED is a Young Adult Paranormal Romance. I’m submitting to you because [insert agent specific flattery here]. Thank you for your consideration.
ATTEMPT 2 Here's my second try. The word count is still under construction; with 165000 there's ALOT of fat to trim, which is proving to take quite some time. Anyway, here goes!
Dear Agent,
Having superpowers isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
As the only child of a telepathic mother and an infinitely strong father, Johnny can read minds, manipulate electricity, and possesses sheer brute strength that any guy would kill for. But he never asked for any of it. All he ever wanted was to be normal. Ever since his parents died, leaving him in the care of his aunt and uncle, he’s hidden away his talents, keeping everyone but his family at arm’s length in order to protect his secret. But his cousin’s new best friend could be his undoing.
When Cat Kelly moves to town, she’s instantly smitten with her new friend Livvie’s hot, mysterious older cousin. She knows there’s something strange about him, but she had no idea how crazy his secret really was. Not until the day he tells her about his powers—and more.
Johnny has major issues. His parents died while on a mission for The Protectors, a secret team of paranormals. Now the team’s leader, Rodrick, has been relentlessly pursuing him in an effort to recruit Johnny to the team. Johnny has no desire to meet the same fate as his parents, and adamantly refuses to have any part of it. But when a stranger begins stalking him, he soon learns that Rodrick is not the only one who covets his talents.
When a vicious assault thrusts Cat into the center of the dangerous tug of war over Johnny, he makes the only decision he can: he agrees to do Rodrick’s bidding, in exchange for protection for the love of his life. But he may be in over his head when he discovers the scary truth about Rodrick. The Protectors is really a front to conceal a much more twisted agenda: Rodrick’s been experimenting with their DNA in an attempt to engineer his own army of enhanced supersoldiers. As if that’s not bad enough, he plans on using the very girl he’d promised Johnny he’d protect as his first human test subject. Johnny must find a way to release Cat—and himself—from Rodrick’s clutches, before it’s too late.
Complete at approximately 165,000 words, CAPTIVATED is a Young Adult Paranormal Romance. I’m submitting to you because [insert agent specific flattery here]. Thank you for your consideration.
ATTEMPT 1 Okay, this is my first attempt at a query letter. I've tried to take advice from all the different blogs I've read, but there's nothing like having my own work critiqued, so here it is! Oh, and just FYI, I'm well aware of how crazy the word count is, and I'm working on reducing it while still keeping the essence of my novel. Thanks in advance for the feedback!
Dear Agent,
Cat’s new boyfriend, Johnny, is pretty amazing. He can read minds, control electricity, and look incredibly hot while doing so.
But Johnny has a dark cloud hanging over his head: Rodrick, an old family acquaintance whose very name makes Johnny’s skin crawl, has been relentlessly pursuing him in an effort to recruit Johnny onto his secret team of men who possess similar abilities, the same team that Johnny’s parents lived—and died—for. Although Johnny has been working hard to avoid the same fate his parents met, it soon becomes evident that Rodrick may not be the only one who covets Johnny’s talents.
When Cat begins to get caught up in the dangerous tug of war over Johnny, he’s forced to sell his soul to the devil in order to protect the love of his life. But he may be in over his head when he discovers a scary truth about Rodrick; his team of men is really a front to conceal a much more sinister and twisted agenda.
Complete at approximately 167,000 words, CAPTIVATED is a Young Adult Paranormal Romance. While it is a stand-alone novel, there is potential for a sequel, and spin-off characters. I'm submitting to you because [insert agent-specific flattery here]. I look forward to a chance to send you my full manuscript. Thank you for your consideration.
Signed,
Me
Dear Agent,
Having superpowers isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
As the only child of a telepathic mother and an infinitely strong father, Johnny Hart can read minds, manipulate electricity, and possesses sheer brute strength any guy would kill for. Johnny never asked for any of it. All he wants is to be normal. Ever since his parents died, leaving him in the care of his aunt and uncle, he’s hidden his talents, keeping everyone but his family at arm’s length to protect his secret. Now, his cousin’s new best friend could be his undoing.
When Cat Kelly moves to town, she’s instantly smitten with her new friend Livvie’s hot, mysterious older cousin. She knows he’s hiding something, and as their relationship transforms from young infatuation into a connection between soulmates, Johnny finds it impossible to keep his secret from Cat.
Johnny has major issues threatening his relationship. His parents died while on a mission for The Protectors, a secret team of paranormals. Now the team’s leader, Rodrick, has been relentlessly pursuing him in an effort to recruit Johnny to the team. Johnny has no desire to meet the same fate as his parents, and refuses to have any part of it. But when a stranger begins stalking him, he discovers Rodrick is not the only one who covets his talents.
When a vicious assault thrusts Cat into the center of the dangerous tug-of-war over Johnny, he makes a difficult decision: he agrees to do Rodrick’s bidding in exchange for protection for the love of his life. But he may be in over his head when he discovers the scary truth about Rodrick. The Protectors are really a front to conceal a much more twisted agenda: Rodrick’s been experimenting with their DNA in an attempt to engineer his own army of enhanced supersoldiers. As if that’s not bad enough, he plans on using Cat as his first human test subject. Johnny must find a way to release Cat—and himself—from Rodrick’s clutches, before it’s too late.
Complete at approximately 165,000 words, CAPTIVATED is a Young Adult Paranormal Romance. I’m submitting to you because [insert agent specific flattery here]. Thank you for your consideration.
ATTEMPT 2 Here's my second try. The word count is still under construction; with 165000 there's ALOT of fat to trim, which is proving to take quite some time. Anyway, here goes!
Dear Agent,
Having superpowers isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
As the only child of a telepathic mother and an infinitely strong father, Johnny can read minds, manipulate electricity, and possesses sheer brute strength that any guy would kill for. But he never asked for any of it. All he ever wanted was to be normal. Ever since his parents died, leaving him in the care of his aunt and uncle, he’s hidden away his talents, keeping everyone but his family at arm’s length in order to protect his secret. But his cousin’s new best friend could be his undoing.
When Cat Kelly moves to town, she’s instantly smitten with her new friend Livvie’s hot, mysterious older cousin. She knows there’s something strange about him, but she had no idea how crazy his secret really was. Not until the day he tells her about his powers—and more.
Johnny has major issues. His parents died while on a mission for The Protectors, a secret team of paranormals. Now the team’s leader, Rodrick, has been relentlessly pursuing him in an effort to recruit Johnny to the team. Johnny has no desire to meet the same fate as his parents, and adamantly refuses to have any part of it. But when a stranger begins stalking him, he soon learns that Rodrick is not the only one who covets his talents.
When a vicious assault thrusts Cat into the center of the dangerous tug of war over Johnny, he makes the only decision he can: he agrees to do Rodrick’s bidding, in exchange for protection for the love of his life. But he may be in over his head when he discovers the scary truth about Rodrick. The Protectors is really a front to conceal a much more twisted agenda: Rodrick’s been experimenting with their DNA in an attempt to engineer his own army of enhanced supersoldiers. As if that’s not bad enough, he plans on using the very girl he’d promised Johnny he’d protect as his first human test subject. Johnny must find a way to release Cat—and himself—from Rodrick’s clutches, before it’s too late.
Complete at approximately 165,000 words, CAPTIVATED is a Young Adult Paranormal Romance. I’m submitting to you because [insert agent specific flattery here]. Thank you for your consideration.
ATTEMPT 1 Okay, this is my first attempt at a query letter. I've tried to take advice from all the different blogs I've read, but there's nothing like having my own work critiqued, so here it is! Oh, and just FYI, I'm well aware of how crazy the word count is, and I'm working on reducing it while still keeping the essence of my novel. Thanks in advance for the feedback!
Dear Agent,
Cat’s new boyfriend, Johnny, is pretty amazing. He can read minds, control electricity, and look incredibly hot while doing so.
But Johnny has a dark cloud hanging over his head: Rodrick, an old family acquaintance whose very name makes Johnny’s skin crawl, has been relentlessly pursuing him in an effort to recruit Johnny onto his secret team of men who possess similar abilities, the same team that Johnny’s parents lived—and died—for. Although Johnny has been working hard to avoid the same fate his parents met, it soon becomes evident that Rodrick may not be the only one who covets Johnny’s talents.
When Cat begins to get caught up in the dangerous tug of war over Johnny, he’s forced to sell his soul to the devil in order to protect the love of his life. But he may be in over his head when he discovers a scary truth about Rodrick; his team of men is really a front to conceal a much more sinister and twisted agenda.
Complete at approximately 167,000 words, CAPTIVATED is a Young Adult Paranormal Romance. While it is a stand-alone novel, there is potential for a sequel, and spin-off characters. I'm submitting to you because [insert agent-specific flattery here]. I look forward to a chance to send you my full manuscript. Thank you for your consideration.
Signed,
Me