TRINITY, a novel (#4, revised)

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FK7
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TRINITY, a novel (#4, revised)

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 1:20 pm

I'm taking the plunge... the query stage is approaching very fast for me, I've been working on it for months (on and off) trying to perfect it and my pitch... I've exhausted my resources at this time now. Thank you so much for your feedback!

Click here for version #2 after revisions.
Click here for version #3 after revisions.
Click here for version #4 after revisions.

Original Query
Dear Dream Agent:

When his younger brother dies from leukemia, medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with a rage for answers. Five years of tenuous research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but shortly after the discovery is announced, he finds that his progress towards a cure has attracted the wrong kind of attention, and from desperate people. Upon stumbling on his destroyed lab in which the body of his ex-fiancée lies, Gabriel is sucked into a maelstrom of painful questions and conspiracy theories, only to realize his research might have a much deeper impact than he ever thought possible—on the remnants of a civilization humanity believed to be extinct for more than 1,200 years.

Out of fear, the ancient Maya have been living in secrecy ever since their exodus, themselves unable to comprehend the Apocalypse that banished them from power over a millennium ago. But once Gabriel finds out the truth about what they really are, he must accept the science he knew and worshiped could never have predicted the world he is drawn into. Centuries of terror have split the once united civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel will be forced to trade knowledge for protection as the oriental Perkeles will stop at nothing to find the key that could unlock the lost secrets of their past.

Told in Gabriel's distinctive voice, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where FRINGE clashes with INDIANA JONES. The manuscript is complete at 93,500 words.

[Personalized tidbit removed.]

[2 lines bio removed.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

A lost Lost fan.
`
Last edited by FK7 on May 15th, 2010, 9:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 1:23 pm

My greatest fear is that an agent will read it and think "great, another Mayan calendar 2012 dystopian flick."

I have a background in anthropology, and the novel has nothing to do with 2012... or the calendar. There never was such a prophecy, it's a total lie and a completely fabrication made up by Hollywood. The premise of the novel is centered on the huge mystery surrounding their collapse around 900 A.D.: to this day, it is still one of the most bizarre archeological puzzle, one decades of advancing science haven't been able to solve. Considering the largest pyramid ever built (by volume) was done so in 200 B.C. by the Maya, also weighting in the advanced knowledge they possessed (they were the first Mesoamerican society to perfect a full-fledged writing system, the first to include a zero in their mathematics, the first pretelescopic civilization ON THE PLANET to discover certain celestial bodies and describe them correctly, such as the Orion Nebula, and much more...), all of it makes their demise even more mysterious. We're still discovering new city-states each year, new evidence each month, and our understanding of this great civilization has been in constant evolution for the past thirty years.

That is what the premise of the novel is built on...I'm not sure if I should even make mention of that in the query? I do mention my background in anthropology (Quote: "I have a background in history and anthropology"), but nothing more.

Thank you!

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 14th, 2010, 2:12 pm

FK7 wrote:I'm taking the plunge... the query stage is approaching very fast for me, I've been working on it for months (on and off) trying to perfect it and my pitch... I've exhausted my resources at this time now. Thank you so much for your feedback!
_____________________________________________________________

Dear Dream Agent:

When his younger brother dies from leukemia, medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with a rage for answers. Five years of tenuous research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but shortly after the discovery is announced, he finds that his progress towards a cure has attracted the wrong kind of attention, and from desperate people. Upon stumbling on his destroyed lab in which the body of his ex-fiancée lies (I think this sentence could be stronger. "He stumbles upon the body of his ex-fiance, buried under debris of his destroyed lab" or something might work better. Maybe.), Gabriel is sucked into a maelstrom of painful questions and conspiracy theories, only to realize his research might have a much deeper impact than he ever thought possible—on the remnants of a civilization humanity believed to be extinct for more than 1,200 years. (This paragraph is very tight for the most part. At least one of the sentences is a little long, from "Five years" to "desperate people." But it generally flows well. The idea that the attention from "desperate people" is interesting, because one would think the desperate people would need the cure, and not attack the person looking for it. The "malestrom of questions and conspiracy theories" affirms that question, though, so it's probably fine.)

Out of fear, the ancient Maya have been living in secrecy ever since their exodus, themselves unable to comprehend the Apocalypse that banished them from power over a millennium ago. But once Gabriel finds out the truth about what they really are, (what they really are, as in Mayans, or something else?) he must accept the science he knew and worshiped could never have predicted the world he is drawn into. Centuries of terror have split the once united civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel will be forced to trade knowledge for protection as the oriental Perkeles will stop at nothing to find the key that could unlock the lost secrets of their past. (Gabriel clearly needs to bargain with the Mayans to survive, but you state what Perkeles wants, but not exactly what Gabriel needs. Is survival his only real concern at that point? Is he negotiating with Perkeles, or is Perkeles the opposing clan leader that is working against him? And the key itself, does Gabriel (or the clan he's with) want it as well?)

Told in Gabriel's distinctive voice, (I think agents will presume all authors find their characters' voice distinct, but its up to readers and agents to decide that) TRINITY is a science fiction novel where FRINGE clashes with INDIANA JONES. The manuscript is complete at 93,500 words.

[Personalized tidbit removed.]

[2 lines bio removed.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

A lost Lost fan.
Regarding flow, you have several long sentences. In the second paragraph, they get slightly more difficult to wade through because of the amount of information you're pushing with each one. If you could break down a few of them, particularly at the end, it would help I think.

The first paragraph is strong. It gives a sense of an altruistic character, doing all of this because of the pain he's endured. Only to find more pain. It's compelling. The link to the destroyed lab to the Mayans, however, is a little more convoluted. If you could elucidate exactly how he discovers the Mayans with a few words (like he sees one riffling through debris for valuables? The destroyed lab reveals a tunnel to an underground group of them?) it would make it seem more connected.

In general, though, this is very good.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 2:14 pm

All your points are extremely valid, they've been at the center of my dilemma with the query. "What they really are" implies they might not be human (as in: they're not "regular" humans, not aliens of some sort), but when I wrote that, it sounded so clichéd that it made me cringe... now though it seems, it is not clear enough.

Very constructive feedback, this will help me a lot!

Thanks a lot rainbow :)

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by NWolfe » May 14th, 2010, 4:29 pm

When I read this, I had a major 'buzzah?' moment. You really need to establish why the Mayans care about leukemia research, and why they would destroy a lab over it. Rainbow covered everything else.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by JadePhoenix » May 14th, 2010, 4:36 pm

FK7 wrote: Dear Dream Agent:

When his younger brother dies from leukemia, medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with a rage for answers. Rage for answers seems an odd construction but that could just be me. Also, when I first read it I thought, "what does he need answers for? He knows how his brother died. Maybe something like consumed with finding a cure or treatment or something? I don't know, it's a good hook though. The sentence punches right in and grabs attention.Five years of tenuous research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but shortly after the discovery is announced, he finds that his progress towards a cure has attracted the wrong kind of attention, and from desperate people. This is a good sentence but it's a bit of a run-on and some of the punch is lost.Upon stumbling on his destroyed lab in which the body of his ex-fiancée lies, Gabriel is sucked into a maelstrom of painful questions and conspiracy theories, only to realize his research might have a much deeper impact than he ever thought possible—on the remnants of a civilization humanity believed to be extinct for more than 1,200 years. The ex-fiancee is mentioned here and nowhere else so she almost comes out as an aside. Also, it's unclear if the people who broke in intended to kill her or if she was simply collateral damage. Since she doesn't appear to play any role in the rest of the query you could probably leave her out of the query if you wanted. You could also do something like "The destruction of his lab sucks him into a malestrom of..." You'd cut two sentences down and tighten it up.

Out of fear, the ancient Maya have been living in secrecy ever since their exodus, themselves unable to comprehend the Apocalypse that banished them from power over a millennium ago. But once Gabriel finds out the truth about what they really are, he must accept the science he knew and worshiped could never have predicted the world he is drawn into. Centuries of terror have split the once united civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel will be forced to trade knowledge for protection as the oriental Perkeles will stop at nothing to find the key that could unlock the lost secrets of their past.This is a bit confusing because why would his research interest them? Also, how does it in any way impact their way of life or offer any kind of key to anything? I actually think this is a really good query but you might tie in just a bit more how Gabriel's research affects them. As it is I was a little confused as to who was targeting Gabriel (are the desperate people the Maya? If so, is it one clan or are they both ticked at him?)

Told in Gabriel's distinctive voice, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where FRINGE clashes with INDIANA JONES. The manuscript is complete at 93,500 words.Several author blogs I've seen mentioned you shouldn't say things like "Fringe clases with Indiana Jones" because you run the risk of the agent going "what the heck would that even be?" Also, I agree with rainbowsheeps that you don't need to say distinctive voice, it's assumed he has a distinctive voice.

[Personalized tidbit removed.]

[2 lines bio removed.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

A lost Lost fan.
This is a really good query. If I saw this book in a bookstore with this as the book cover I'd probably pick it up and read through the first chapter to see if I wanted to buy it. My only suggestion would be to tighten it up a bit, make the connection between Gabriel's research and the Maya a bit clearer, and also make it a littler clearer as to why the research is causing so much trouble. Most people would be happy someone had found a major breakthrough in cancer research, why aren't these guys? Aside from that though I like it. Good luck in querying! :)

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by lachrymal » May 14th, 2010, 4:52 pm

When his younger brother dies from leukemia, medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with a rage [I have never heard this phrase before, and it doesn't make much sense for me. It sounds like you're combining two phrases--"consumed with rage" and "a thirst for answers". It sounds weird. Also, death from leukemia doesn't sound like something that would drive someone to search for answers. It might fill them with horrible, consuming grief, sure. But the way you phrase this, it sounds like the brother's death is supposed to be mysterious in some way] for answers. Five years of tenuous research ["tenuous" means "thin" or "slight"--is that really the word you want to use to describe his research?] in his Vermont lab [a medical student has his own lab? That's odd and stretches the bounds of my credulity.] leads to a breakthrough, but shortly after the discovery is announced, he finds that his progress towards a cure has attracted the wrong kind of attention, and from desperate people. Upon stumbling on his destroyed lab in which the body of his ex-fiancée lies [I must agree with Mr. Sheeps on this one--rephrasing this sentence to be simpler, without the long initial phrase, will make it much stronger], Gabriel is sucked into a maelstrom of painful questions and conspiracy theories, only to realize his research might have a much deeper impact than he ever thought possible—on the remnants of a civilization humanity believed to be extinct for more than 1,200 years. Definitely, definitely shorten this extraordinarily long sentence.

Out of fear [this phrase does nothing for you. You could delete it and have a better sentence], the ancient Maya have been living in secrecy ever since their exodus, themselves [you can delete "themselves" and the sentence would read smoother and say exactly the same thing] unable to comprehend the Apocalypse that banished them from power [is apocalypse a proper noun? Also, I think of an apocalypse as an event, and events don't usually banish things. People do.] over a millennium ago. But once Gabriel finds out the truth about what they really are, he must accept the science he knew and worshiped could never have predicted the world he is drawn into [wait--you've just said the science couldn't have predicted the world. If you take out all the modifiers, that's what you've said. Is that what you mean? I hope not, because science (not being a person) doesn't predict things. It also doesn't make much sense to say something could "predict the world" your MC is drawn into. It's general and awkward]. Centuries of terror have split the once united civilization into[?] two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel will be forced to trade knowledge for protection as the oriental [this is kind of an archaic way to say Asian--am I misunderstanding the reference?] Perkeles [because you mention one clan and not the other, this reference to "Perkeles" was sort of jarring] will stop at nothing to find the key that could unlock the lost secrets of their past.

Told in Gabriel's distinctive voice [totally agree with Mr. Sheeps--everyone thinks their MC's voice is distinctive--don't say this], TRINITY is a science fiction novel where FRINGE clashes with INDIANA JONES. The manuscript is complete at 93,500 words.

I had a lot of trouble really understanding your story from this query. I know it's probably complicated and you don't want to give away a lot of key secrets, but if you could find a way to simplify this, help me understand your MC more (if he has a distinctive voice, I get absolutely none of that from this query), I think this query would be much stronger.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 4:53 pm

You guys are amazing. If most people around here pulled their mind together to create the ultimate hive mind, it could rule the world :D

There are no words to describe how awesome it is to get constructive feedback like this on something you've worked for weeks on end. I'm really happy I found the courage to post it!
Last edited by FK7 on May 14th, 2010, 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by Joel Q » May 14th, 2010, 5:35 pm

The story sounds very interesting, but the query needs to make some connections w/out creating a synopsis.

Why is the research so important to the Mayans?
And what is Gabriel's story question... it has to be more than a trade for protection, what's his task?
Trinity... what are the "three" things?

Looking forward to seeing the revision.
JQ

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 6:26 pm

Well holy crap, tenuous really means "frail"... there's a similar word in French which descends from "tenacité" (tenacity), so I just assumed it was the same in English... how embarrassing. Mothertongue getting in the way!

Arduous shall take its place.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by lachrymal » May 14th, 2010, 7:25 pm

perhaps you were thinking of the word "tenacious", the adjectival form of the noun "tenacity". "Arduous" would work, but says more about the research than it does about his attitude toward the research. However, perhaps that is more appropriate, since you are using the word to describe the research rather than the person.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 9:42 pm

I've been working on revisions all afternoon. I made a list of the issues that seemed to have arisen, which were:
-The importance of Gabriel's research for the Maya is not explained
-His link with the Maya themselves is not defined. I now realize this is a huge problem. Considering his love interest will be the link (and a strong one at that), and her importance, it made no sense to leave her out of it. They appear in about 85% of the scenes together.
-"Told in Gabriel's distinctive voice" was meant to indicate that it was written in first person, but clearly it had a negative spin, I removed it.
-I was a medical student for three years, and am now completing a degree in molecular biology. I know for a fact medical students CAN get their own lab (happens more often than you think). In the novel, he leaves medschool and gets a Ph.D. instead. It was present in the first draft, then removed... but if you guys think it adds authenticity to the novel's premise, then it's required after all!
-It was an unknown cataclysm that wiped most of them out, but what exactly happened is unknown. Historical documents were lost, the survivors rebuilt what they could in secret, but that cataclysm is referred to as "the apocalypse" by their scriptures. Since an apocalypse is defined as "a great disaster", I thought it was suiting. Is the message clear, or do I need to clear this up?

So here's what I've been tinkering so far. It's very different, but I think it captures the essence of the plot, Gabriel's role and his ties to the Maya a lot more concretely. It feels a bit more like a short synopsis though, so I'm not sure if the gain in clarity was worth the loss of "querity"? ;) You tell me!
Revised Query - #2

When his younger brother dies from leukemia, medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with rage. In a quest to find meaning in his brother's death, he reorients his career by doctoring in hematology. Five years of arduous research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but shortly after the discovery is announced, he finds that his progress towards a cure has attracted the wrong kind of attention. Upon stumbling on the body of his ex-fiancée in his plundered lab, Gabriel is sucked into a maelstrom of painful questions and conspiracy theories. But when his new colleague, Dr. Emilie Jensen, reveals her true identity, he realizes his research might have a much deeper impact than he ever thought possible—on the remnants of a civilization humanity believed to be extinct for more than 1,200 years.

The ancient Maya have been living in secrecy ever since their exodus, unable to comprehend the apocalypse that banished them from power over a millennium ago. The great banner under which they were once united is now lost, after centuries of terror splintered the great civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans. But once Gabriel finds out the truth about their true nature, he must accept the science he knew and worshipped could never have prepared him for the world he is drawn into. He'll find himself stuck in the middle of a conflict, one he and his research might forever change. He'll join Emilie's clan, the Tutors, and help them in the race for answers against the Perkeles, whom the Tutors believe might be behind all of his troubles.

Complete at 94,000 words, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where FRINGE clashes with INDIANA JONES. It explores the eternal debate of science vs. spirituality, and the consequences one must face when embracing rationality at all cost.
I realize the link between the cure for leukemia and solving a conflict involving the Maya might seem strange, but it's the center of the novel's plot. Is it necessary to explain it?

Thanks so much for all your help :)

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by Quill » May 14th, 2010, 10:18 pm

When his younger brother dies from leukemia, medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with rage.
Sounds backwards. How about "Medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with rage when his younger brother dies from leukemia."
In a quest
Delete.
to find meaning in his brother's death, he reorients his career by doctoring in hematology.
He reorients by doctoring? What is doctoring? I know it as doctoring someone, i.e. attending to their medical needs, which doesn't make sense. What is doctoring in hematology? What is hematology? Is this important? If not, jettison it.
Five years of arduous research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough,but shortly after the discovery is announced,
Okay, but lose "arduous". We get the picture with the 5 years.
he finds that his progress towards a cure has attracted the wrong kind of attention.
Flaccid. Is not sharp and does not convey specific info.
Upon stumbling on the body of his ex-fiancée in his plundered lab,
Okay.
Gabriel is sucked into a maelstrom of painful questions
Ouch. A maelstrom of questions? Seriously? I think the precious words of a query needs to be about more than questions, no matter how storm-like they invade him.
and conspiracy theories. But when his new colleague, Dr. Emilie Jensen, reveals her true identity,
Lose "Dr. Emilie Jensen." We don't need the name.
he realizes his research might have a much deeper impact than he ever thought possible
This is flaccid like the aforementioned. Vague. Say what, don't allude.
—on the remnants of a civilization humanity believed to be extinct for more than 1,200 years.

The ancient Maya have been living in secrecy ever since their exodus,
Good twist. Not sure it's the strongest possible segue-way to it, though. Also, if they are alive now they are NOT ancient. Also, what exodus??
unable to comprehend the apocalypse that banished them from power over a millennium ago.
Can someone be banished from power? I've always heard it as being banished from a physical place. Seems awkward. Not smooth.
The great banner under which they were once united is now lost,
I don't think the metaphor "great banner" works particularly well here. I think of Spaniards flying banners, not Mayans.
after centuries of terror splintered the great civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans.
What do you mean by terror? Do you mean fear itself splintered them? How? This isn't clear at all.
But
Extinguish the "But".
once Gabriel finds out the truth about their true nature,
Once he finds out the truth about their truth? Lose one of the truths. And, don't you mean their existence, rather than their nature? Unclear what he is finding out.
he must accept the science he knew and worshipped could never have prepared him for the world he is drawn into.
Convoluted and unnecessary. Omit.
He'll find himself stuck in the middle of a conflict,
Name the conflict, do not tell about it.
one he and his research might forever change.
More flaccidity, which needs to be either clarified, if important, or excised from the query.
He'll join Emilie's clan, the Tutors, and help them in the race for answers against the Perkeles, whom the Tutors believe might be behind all of his troubles.
This introduces new concepts and as such is an extremely confusing wrap-up.
Complete at 94,000 words, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where FRINGE clashes with INDIANA JONES.
I don't believe other works get capitalized.
It explores the eternal debate of science vs. spirituality, and the consequences one must face when embracing rationality at all cost.
I'd say if you haven't conveyed this withing the query, it will appear weak to state it now.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by JadePhoenix » May 14th, 2010, 10:35 pm

FK7 wrote:I've been working on revisions all afternoon. I made a list of the issues that seemed to have arisen, which were:
-The importance of Gabriel's research for the Maya is not explained
-His link with the Maya themselves is not defined. I now realize this is a huge problem. Considering his love interest will be the link (and a strong one at that), and her importance, it made no sense to leave her out of it. They appear in about 85% of the scenes together.
-"Told in Gabriel's distinctive voice" was meant to indicate that it was written in first person, but clearly it had a negative spin, I removed it.
-I was a medical student for three years, and am now completing a degree in molecular biology. I know for a fact medical students CAN get their own lab (happens more often than you think). In the novel, he leaves medschool and gets a Ph.D. instead. It was present in the first draft, then removed... but if you guys think it adds authenticity to the novel's premise, then it's required after all!
-It was an unknown cataclysm that wiped most of them out, but what exactly happened is unknown. Historical documents were lost, the survivors rebuilt what they could in secret, but that cataclysm is referred to as "the apocalypse" by their scriptures. Since an apocalypse is defined as "a great disaster", I thought it was suiting. Is the message clear, or do I need to clear this up?

So here's what I've been tinkering so far. It's very different, but I think it captures the essence of the plot, Gabriel's role and his ties to the Maya a lot more concretely. It feels a bit more like a short synopsis though, so I'm not sure if the gain in clarity was worth the loss of "querity"? ;) You tell me!
Revised Query - #2

When his younger brother dies from leukemia, medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with rage. In a quest to find meaning in his brother's death, he reorients his career by doctoring in hematology. Five years of arduous research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but shortly after the discovery is announced, he finds that his progress towards a cure has attracted the wrong kind of attention. Upon stumbling on the body of his ex-fiancée in his plundered lab, Gabriel is sucked into a maelstrom of painful questions and conspiracy theories. But when his new colleague, Dr. Emilie Jensen, reveals her true identity, he realizes his research might have a much deeper impact than he ever thought possible—on the remnants of a civilization humanity believed to be extinct for more than 1,200 years.

The ancient Maya have been living in secrecy ever since their exodus, unable to comprehend the apocalypse that banished them from power over a millennium ago. The great banner under which they were once united is now lost, after centuries of terror splintered the great civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans. But once Gabriel finds out the truth about their true nature, he must accept the science he knew and worshipped could never have prepared him for the world he is drawn into. He'll find himself stuck in the middle of a conflict, one he and his research might forever change. He'll join Emilie's clan, the Tutors, and help them in the race for answers against the Perkeles, whom the Tutors believe might be behind all of his troubles.

Complete at 94,000 words, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where FRINGE clashes with INDIANA JONES. It explores the eternal debate of science vs. spirituality, and the consequences one must face when embracing rationality at all cost.
I realize the link between the cure for leukemia and solving a conflict involving the Maya might seem strange, but it's the center of the novel's plot. Is it necessary to explain it?

Thanks so much for all your help :)
I think it is important to explain it. Look at it from this angle:

"The death of Gabriel's younger brother is a turning point in his life driving him to relentlessly pursue a breakthrough in cancer research. After years of research he finally achieves this goal only to find he has gained the attention of an unknown group bent on stopping his advances from being made public. (Here when I was reading it I was actually thinking maybe some kind of drug company, worried that his new research would tank their bottom line in terms of current cancer drugs/treatments/whatever). Gabriel finds himself on a race for his life and the lives of countless thousands around the world who could benefit from his research....and then the Mayans show up!" You see how it's a little out of left field when written like that? That's kind of how it sounds in your query the way it's written. You don't have to explain it in nitpicky detail but at least tie it in somehow so it's more cohesive and people aren't left wondering where the heck did that come from?

This revision does tie it in better but I think it still needs why they care about the research. It's intended to help people so why would it have any kind of negative effect on them?
Last edited by JadePhoenix on May 14th, 2010, 10:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: TRINITY, a novel

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 10:38 pm

Not sure what to make of that line by line critique to be honest... just for kicks I went ahead with all your suggestions, and though the query is a lot more "short and sweet", it seems deprived of spirit and soul, voice or style... I thought this was EXACTLY what a synopsis was suppose to sound like, not a query?

I admit I'm confused right now 8-|

I'll sit on it and re-read it again tomorrow. Maybe a rested brain will help me ;)

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