Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I agree with Shadow. The book sounds really interesting, and I'm pretty sure I'd read it, but the query isn't gripping enough for a request if I were an agent. Jump into the action right off and I think you'll have a winner (more of paragraph 2).

Its a difficult subject your trying to tackle, so the answer would be yes I would take the chance and read the pages.

1) Yes
2) Form rejection

The query is long and rambles a bit so it took a couple of reads to get plot. You could probably condense it quite a bit and maybe start with the Mayans still being around bit.

I sent my first five queries yesterday, and tonight I had two requests for a full and one personalized rejection in my inbox! Still waiting on the other 2!

W00t :)

1) Partial Request
2) Yes!

I really liked your query. I hope if I am not wrong I can post my query next...

Dear Agent,

In a world where magicians rule, Nayla is different because she is born without powers. Those who are unable to perform magic are called Yeeods, sent off to concentration camps where they are worked to death.

On Nayla’s sixteenth year test she is sent to the camps, where her hair is shaved off and the brand of the powerless is burned into her scalp. Determined to prove to the government that Yeeods will fight for their rights Nayla manages to escape after months of cruelty and injustice. But the authorities are on her tail and the only place she can hide is the rebel society who are preparing for war. Earning respect in the rebel society filled with mostly men, Nayla leads the rebels with stolen assault rifles and hand grenades against the power of the magicians who hold the majority. Victorious or not Nayla soon becomes a figure of power and resistance and as the magicians fear it; the next Anti-Christ.


‘Born to Die’ is a 90,000 word YA Urban Fantasy novel. I think that you would be the perfect fit for my novel because...(Personalized info for specific agent). Thank you for your time and your consideration.

Nessa

1) Partial
2) Yes

Would I read the sample pages?
(1) YES

What would I do?
(A) Personalized Rejection or Partial Request (depends on pages)

The concept is good. Looks like it will use fantasy as a metaphor for the Holocaust, which could be excellent. However, you're missing several commas. One might be forgivable, but you have at least two missing from your query (including one seemingly misplaced) that would make it difficult to read aloud. That does not bode well for your manuscript, and would make me extremely hesitant to request.

Would I read pages? Yes

What is my agent response: This isn't my genre, so I'd probably pass on that alone with form rejection. I agree with Rainbowsheeps on the comma thing. This query needs a little housekeeping before you send it off.

Ghost in the Machine

I would reject this because of the punctuation errors as well, including the misuse of the semicolon (it should be a colon). On top of that, too many sentences start with long introductory clauses and several words could be cut out. This is a really fascinating idea, and I like it. However, I guess as an agent I'd be too concerned that the writing is not yet ready for primetime--and with all the competition, that's enough for a form reject (I have to say, though, if you reworked this query to make your idea shine through, it really could be a winner).

Partial.

Yes.

My Query guys? What do you say?

Dear Agent:

From the depths of the sinister forests emerge two warriors. Swords clash as each fights for his nation, each struggles to keep his soul, neither aware of the blood connection between them.

A castle stands in the lands where darkness clutches power and torments those who live there. There is only one hope of a man that can bring on an uprising, a dying flame. A man who was raised to be evil. The Prince.

He has to make a choice: stand up and fight or surrender to the devil. His choice cannot change for he can only take one side; his journey cannot be altered. His name is Vitiosus, and his identity is lost. He is a freedom-seeker.

In his quest, he discovers his father’s darkest secret: Vitiosus is half-human; a shadow warrior who fights only for his rights. But death stalks him at every turn; a ravenous thirst for victory tries to destroy him. Love that he never expected insinuates itself into his heart. He is a threat to his kingdom, a rebel who must be eradicated.

The Coming is a fast-paced young adult fantasy novel, complete at 89,000 words.

Shadow

Form rejection, and I probably wouldn't read the pages. No offense, the query was just a little vague.

(Sorry, My mistake.)

Actually you don't I am supposed to get 5 replies before you post yours. Have you read the instructions?

Would I read the pages? Yes.

Partial request, depending on the sample pages.

Every sentence in the query could be improved, Shadow, but I like the impressionistic structure of short paragraphs and sentences, which grabs me more than earlier versions of the Vitiosus novel query elsewhere on the forums.

I would read the pages.

Possibly a partial request.

But the query, as the others have said, is a bit vague. I think Vitiosus should be introduced (by name) much earlier. The story still grabbed me and sounded like an interesting read. I know it's a fine line between throwing around too many proper nouns and, in this case, not enough. Add a few more to give your story more definition. At least the names of some of those places you mentioned.

Yes to the pages, out of curiosity as the query is a bit vague.

There's a possibilty of a partial if the pages are good enough, but most likely a personalized rejection on the basis that your query reads like a cover jacket.

No offense. If you re-queried me with a more specific and to the point synopsis, chances are good that I'd ask for that partial.