The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
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rainbowsheeps
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The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 13th, 2010, 6:40 pm

Disclaimer: I was interested in trying something new. I don't know if this belongs in the "Queries" forum. I don't know if I'm even allowed to make this thread. I felt like it might be a new opportunity for a slightly different type of feedback. But, please, feel free to delete or move this if you need to, admins.

WHAT IS THIS?

We all make new topics for our queries. It helps us. It's great. We should keep doing that. This is another idea to help us answer the two essential questions that most of us want to know:

(1) Would you read the sample pages, based on this query?
(2) What would you do if you were an agent?

HOW IT (PRESUMABLY) WORKS

One person posts their query/pitch/hook, and their first page if they want to.

The next FIVE (5) respondents reply, answering these two questions:

Would you read the sample pages?
(1) YES
(2) NO

What would you do if you were an agent?
(A) Form rejection. (Jot down a line or two with a reason if you want to... if that's what you would do if you were a busy agent.)
(B) Personalized rejection.
(C) Partial Request.
(D) Full Request.

Again, that means someone posts their query letter/pitch/hook + (*optional*) their FIRST (1) page. The next five different people respond, answering only those two questions for that person. When that person receives five responses, a new person posts their query. If you want to have your query considered, it's in your best interest to answer/help the writer(s) before you to get your turn.

If you've substantially revised your query and want the questions answered, consider waiting until a few others have gotten their own responses before posting yours again. Or, consider requesting that information in your own Query's thread.

WHY DO THIS?
Why should you do this? Making a topic for your query is a great idea. It gets you specific, honed feedback. But the truth is that query letters might never be perfected. Sometimes we just want to test if they "work" or not.

This is the place to see potential reactions to your query letter. Still, it's HIGHLY RECOMMENDED that you make your own topic first to revise.

Remember that most, if not all, of the feedback you will get here is from fellow writers, NOT agents. Keep that in mind, whether your critique garners all form rejections, all full requests, or something in between. This is simply to give you an idea of where you could stand.

I assume everyone knows to be polite. Posting here does mean you're requesting blunt, honest feedback, but ALWAYS REMEMBER that there's real people on both ends. I can only assume that administrators would delete this if things became too hostile. Please, be humane.


Now... it might be presumptuous of me to post my query first. So I'm going to wait and see if anyone else even wants to do this. I'm curious to see if this thread even makes it through the day :P
Last edited by rainbowsheeps on May 14th, 2010, 1:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: The Super Incredibe Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 14th, 2010, 1:25 pm

So! Since no one's went so far, I'll start. I haven't actually queried any agents yet, and don't intend to for a few weeks at least, but I'm curious to see how people respond to this idea. If no one posts any responses, or no one wants to post their own query after mine gets critiqued, I'll know it was a bad idea :P

Hopefully, though, it can help a few of you who think their query might be "close enough." My hope is that, after you get critiques in your own post and have a letter you think might work, you test out your brand new, revised query to see what reactions you might get.

Anyway, *gulp*, here's mine.

THE QUERY

Dear Specific Agent,

Nineteen-year-old Adam tried to kill himself. His biggest regret is that his five-year-old sister, Evelyn, found him bleeding on the floor. Every night, he tucks her into bed and hopes to find a way to make it up to her.

But one day, Adam meets seventeen-year-old Cherith, and his life changes. They fall in love, and he's happy for the first time he can remember. Even when Cherith tells him she has cancer, Adam promises to stay with her, always. Nightmares start to haunt him, though. He replays his suicide attempt and sees the pain he caused Evelyn, again and again.

When Cherith collapses on Valentine's night, the dreams change from death and agony to radiant beauty. Every time he falls asleep, he meets Cherith in the tunnel of love in a carnival made completely of lights, or he dances with her under the violet skies and in the red grass blades of what he thinks is heaven. The visions seep into real life, and both his chances of helping Evelyn and keeping his promise to Cherith seem to be slipping away. But Adam desperately wants to believe his dreams are showing him a way they can be together forever, in a world much prettier than the one they've been given.

VALENTINE is a work of literary fiction of approximately 110,000 words. [Personalized info.]

Sincerely,
me.


Pretend your an agent. All you need to do in response is to post your answers to these two questions:

Would you read the pages along with this query? (1) YES or (2) NO
What would you do if you were an agent? (A) FORM REJECTION; (B) PERSONALIZED REJECTION; (C) PARTIAL REQUEST; (D) FULL REQUEST;

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 1:31 pm

Oh I just posted my query and saw this after... I'll play along with you and add mine later?

Great idea by the way!

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Re: The Super Incredibe Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 1:44 pm

rainbowsheeps wrote: THE QUERY

Dear Specific Agent,

Nineteen-year-old Adam tried to kill himself. Straight to the point: love this. His biggest regret is that his five-year-old sister, Evelyn, found him bleeding on the floor. Every night, he tucks her into bed and hopes to find a way to make it up to her. You get right away he cares for her.

But one day, Adam meets seventeen-year-old Cherith, and his life changes. They fall in love, and he's happy for the first time he can remember. Even when Cherith tells him she has cancer, Adam promises to stay with her, always. Nightmares start to haunt him, though. He replays his suicide attempt and sees the pain he caused Evelyn, again and again. The flow isn't as good as your first paragraph, which is kickass in my opinion. What's the relation between the pain he's caused to his five-year-old sweetheart, and the woman he loves? Is it your way of saying he's in constant pain himself?

When Cherith collapses on Valentine's night, the dreams change from death and agony to radiant beauty. Every time he falls asleep, he meets Cherith in the tunnel of love in a carnival made completely of lights, or he dances with her under the violet skies and in the red grass blades of what he thinks is heaven. So every night he dreams about her while she's in a coma or something? Collapsing means a syncope medically speaking, why is a simple collapse the catalyst to magical dreams? The shock of it?The visions seep into real life, and both his chances of helping Evelyn and keeping his promise to Cherith seem to be slipping away. Helping Evelyn in dealing with the shock he caused her?But Adam desperately wants to believe his dreams are showing him a way they can be together forever, in a world much prettier than the one they've been given.

VALENTINE is a work of literary fiction of approximately 110,000 words. [Personalized info.]

Sincerely,
me.
Would you read the sample pages?
(1) YES

What would you do if you were an agent?
(B) Personalized rejection.
or
(C) Partial Request.

Would depend of the sample pages to be honest. My first impression is that an unhappy teenager tries to commit suicide, and is found by his little sister who is then traumatized: the look on her face shocks him out of his trance and brings him to reason.

He meets Cherith, who's diagnosed with some form of cancer (My sister's keeper flashback by the way). They fall in love, she collapses, he's in shock, it catalyzes the beginning of daily dreams, and he begins to fantasize about a better world, ie. mutual suicide which would lead them to a life of happily ever after in the afterlife?

This is a very standard plot, I noticed it's literary fiction, so I suppose the emphasis was put on the quality of the writing, but if I was an agent, I'd think the above. If there weren't plot twists to surprise me, I would reject it. Apparently, literary fiction is a very though sell.

My 2¢, thanks for this thread :)

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Re: The Super Incredibe Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by Krista G. » May 15th, 2010, 2:17 am

rainbowsheeps wrote:THE QUERY

Dear Specific Agent,

Nineteen-year-old Adam tried to kill himself. His biggest regret is that his five-year-old sister, Evelyn, found him bleeding on the floor. Every night, he tucks her into bed and hopes to find a way to make it up to her.

But one day, Adam meets seventeen-year-old Cherith, and his life changes. They fall in love, and he's happy for the first time he can remember. Even when Cherith tells him she has cancer, Adam promises to stay with her, always. Nightmares start to haunt him, though. He replays his suicide attempt and sees the pain he caused Evelyn, again and again.

When Cherith collapses on Valentine's night, the dreams change from death and agony to radiant beauty. Every time he falls asleep, he meets Cherith in the tunnel of love in a carnival made completely of lights, or he dances with her under the violet skies and in the red grass blades of what he thinks is heaven. The visions seep into real life, and both his chances of helping Evelyn and keeping his promise to Cherith seem to be slipping away. But Adam desperately wants to believe his dreams are showing him a way they can be together forever, in a world much prettier than the one they've been given.

VALENTINE is a work of literary fiction of approximately 110,000 words. [Personalized info.]

Sincerely,
me.
Would I read the pages that go along with this query? Probably not. I'm just not getting a strong enough sense of the plot.
What would I do if I were an agent? Probably form rejection.

I like the idea of a Super Incredible Pre-agent Tester, by the way:) I hope more people come to play. (Holy cow, what's with the rhyming? "Not, plot." "Way, play." I need to lay off the Jack Prelutsky...)
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by Yoshima » May 15th, 2010, 2:55 am

rainbowsheeps wrote:
Dear Specific Agent,

Nineteen-year-old Adam tried to kill himself. His biggest regret is that his five-year-old sister, Evelyn, found him bleeding on the floor. Every night, he tucks her into bed and hopes to find a way to make it up to her.

But one day, Adam meets seventeen-year-old Cherith, and his life changes. They fall in love, and he's happy for the first time he can remember. Even when Cherith tells him she has cancer, Adam promises to stay with her, always. Nightmares start to haunt him, though. He replays his suicide attempt and sees the pain he caused Evelyn, again and again.

When Cherith collapses on Valentine's night, the dreams change from death and agony to radiant beauty. Every time he falls asleep, he meets Cherith in the tunnel of love in a carnival made completely of lights, or he dances with her under the violet skies and in the red grass blades of what he thinks is heaven. The visions seep into real life, and both his chances of helping Evelyn and keeping his promise to Cherith seem to be slipping away. But Adam desperately wants to believe his dreams are showing him a way they can be together forever, in a world much prettier than the one they've been given.

VALENTINE is a work of literary fiction of approximately 110,000 words. [Personalized info.]

Sincerely,
me.


Pretend your an agent. All you need to do in response is to post your answers to these two questions:

Would you read the pages along with this query? (1) YES or (2) NO
What would you do if you were an agent? (A) FORM REJECTION; (B) PERSONALIZED REJECTION; (C) PARTIAL REQUEST; (D) FULL REQUEST;


1. Yes, because especially in literary fiction it's the writing that makes or breaks it.

2. If it was just a query and no pages, I'd probably request a partial out of curiosity, but it would honestly depend on how many literary fiction writers I had on my list already. Geez, look at me, trying to be all agently...anyway, if not, it'd probably be a form because there's nothing inherently wrong with the query for me to pick on/personalize. I think the query is solid, but it doesn't have enough oomph--voice, maybe? I don't know, I felt like it had some voice, though--to push it over the top for me. But, keep in mind, literary fiction is not my preference based on plot/theme alone, which is basically your query. The writing is what gets me into a literary fiction book, so I think you should definitely consider submitting mostly to agents who ask for sample pages, and show off that writing. :)

Cool idea, btw. Hope others play along too.

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by lunerunit » May 15th, 2010, 12:19 pm

Would you read the pages along with this query? (1) YES

I'm no agent, but I want to read more. I would need to read the first five pages to answer the second question. Are you going to post them?

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by Steppe » May 16th, 2010, 2:44 am

Dear, Extremely Specific, Interested In My Genre Agent,


Adam Secondname is torn apart by remorse while rebuilding his life after his beloved younger sister Evelyn witnesses his botched suicide attempt during an usual moment of extreme despair.

Fate draws its sword a second time offering Adam a quest for redemption when he finds a deep love for young girl named Cherith who is locked in the battle for her life to try to survive cancer.
Combating nightmarish conflicts in his sleep forces Adam to deeply relive his own break down until he is freed by facing the true consequences of his desire for self destruction and the effects it had on himself and those he loves.
Cheriths continuing spiral towards inevitable death leads to a transcendent dreaming experience where the young idealist finds a world created for those who truly love each other
but must remain apart for a while to learn that love is more than two people satisfying each others desires. A tunnel of pure love, carnivals revealing the fullness of of the light, and dancing under a sacred sky are the deeply challenging temptations he must understand and master to remain alive and strong for Evelyn who shall live and Cherith who shall die.


VALENTINE is a 110,000 word compelling romantic fantasy that involves the reader in a search
to find a viable choice that allow life and love to coexist . Five pages appended for easy browsing.

[Personalized info.]

Sincerely,
me.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erich_Fromm

The Art of Loving - Eric Fromm
The Art of Loving is a book written by psychologist and social philosopher Erich Fromm (1900-1980) and published in 1956 by Harper & Row. This international bestseller recapitulated and complemented the theoretical principles of human nature found in Fromm's Escape from Freedom and Man for Himself - principles which were revisited in many of his other major works.

Fromm presents love as a skill that can be taught and developed. He rejects the idea of loving as something magical and mysterious that cannot be analyzed and explained, and is therefore skeptical about popular ideas such as "falling in love" or being helpless in the face of love. Because modern humans are alienated from each other and from nature, we seek refuge from our aloneness in romantic love and marriage (pp. 79-81). However, Fromm observes that real love "is not a sentiment which can be easily indulged in by anyone." It is only through developing one's total personality to the capacity of loving one's neighbor with "true humility, courage, faith and discipline" that one attains the capacity to experience real love. This should be considered a rare achievement (p. vii).

We are starved for love, yet all our attempts to attain love in Western society are bound to fail, unless - like any thing else we want to do well - we practice and improve our self discipline, concentration and patience, and place high priority on our mastery of the art of loving (pp. 99-123). Readers will be disappointed if they expect the kind of easy answers and techniques often presented in self-help psychology bestsellers. Perhaps the closest that the book comes to such a recipe is the idea that the active character of true love involves four basic elements: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge (p. 24). Each of these is difficult to define and can differ markedly depending on the people involved and their circumstances. Seen in these terms, love is hard work, but it is also the most rewarding kind of work.

One of the most interesting concepts in the book is self-love. According to Fromm, loving oneself is quite different from being arrogant, conceited or egocentric. Loving oneself means caring about oneself, taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself (e.g. being realistic and honest about one's strengths and weaknesses). In order to be able to truly love another person, one needs first to love oneself in this way. Fromm is sceptical of exclusive love, which he calls "egoisme a deux" - a relationship in which each person is entirely focussed on the other, to the detriment of other people around them. In a healthy marriage, faithfulness applies to sex, but not to Fromm's concept of love, because love means a generally caring, responsible, respectful and honest attitude toward all other people.

The book includes explorations of the theories of brotherly love, motherly love, erotic love, self-love, and the love of God (pp. 7-76), and an insightful examination into love's disintegration in contemporary Western culture (pp. 77-98). To understand Fromm's idea of love, it helps to have basic knowledge´of academic disciplines such as psychology, sociology and religious studies.

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by Steppe » May 16th, 2010, 2:51 am

Fate draws its sword a second time offering Adam a quest for redemption when he finds a deep love for young girl named Cherith who is locked in (a)--(the) battle (for)--(of) her life to try to survive cancer.

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by Quill » May 16th, 2010, 11:04 am

Re: VALENTINE:
Would you read the sample pages?
(2) NO

Well, I would scan them. In this case I was mystified and put off by the attached Erich Fromm material. Is this some kind of joke?
What would you do if you were an agent?
(A) Form rejection. (Jot down a line or two with a reason if you want to... if that's what you would do if you were a busy agent.)

Interesting concept, has potential, but the writing isn't there yet. Four adjectives in the first sentence, a couple of typos within, and an unwieldy length for a first book in the genre didn't help. Good luck with the project.

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 16th, 2010, 7:08 pm

Quill wrote:In this case I was mystified and put off by the attached Erich Fromm material. Is this some kind of joke?
Um, I think you're responding to the wrong query? Note that Steppe uh... rewrote my query in the way he saw fit and attached that information. The query that's being considered is the second post in this thread. By me.

Also, five responses have been collected. Feel free, anyone, to post their query next for consideration.

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by Quill » May 17th, 2010, 10:24 am

rainbowsheeps wrote:
Quill wrote:In this case I was mystified and put off by the attached Erich Fromm material. Is this some kind of joke?
Um, I think you're responding to the wrong query? Note that Steppe uh... rewrote my query in the way he saw fit and attached that information. The query that's being considered is the second post in this thread. By me.

Also, five responses have been collected. Feel free, anyone, to post their query next for consideration.
Oops. Guess I'm still getting a feel for your new concept here. Plus the Sunday morning pre-caffeine kick-in was at play. Carry on!!

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by FK7 » May 17th, 2010, 11:30 am

Posting my query for consideration!
Gabriel Clarkson's mother dedicated her existence to studying life extinguished and the vestiges of the great ancient Maya. As he followed her through the forests and temples of Guatemala as a child, he realized his passion lay in preserving life. When leukemia takes his little brother away from him twenty years later, his passion turns into an obsession to prevent this from ever happening again.

Five years of research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but at a price too high. Upon stumbling on the body of his ex-fiancée in his plundered lab, he realizes the rationality he sought through science all his life, the science he knew and worshiped, could never have prepared him for the truth. When his new colleague reveals her true identity, everything he knows is shattered: the civilization humanity thought to be extinct for 1,100 years still lives.

The ancient Maya survived the sands of time.

After a cataclysm of unknown origin wiped out their race, the few survivors set off to rebuild their society in secret. Fear of a past they don't understand has splintered the great civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel finds himself in the middle of a conflict his research might forever change. One side offers him shelter and protection, the other will stop at nothing to find the answers they've sought for over a millennium. The virus he's created might elucidate their near extinction, but in the wrong hands, it could forge a dark future. With the fate of two people now resting upon him, he'll be forced to rise up to the challenge, for his sake and those he loves.

Complete at 94,000 words, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where J.J. Abrams' Fringe melds with Indiana Jones.
Since it's already been analyzed in its own thread, you can stick to the multiple choices ;)

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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by shadow » May 17th, 2010, 12:08 pm

1) yes
2) Form rejection

Don't get me wrong, its a good query but it doesn't exactly grip me. This could be just me personal perception but what I see here is the same problem I have. there is really lots of plot telling and that sort of makes me skim. I think that your character comes off a bit flat. You just need to juice it up and shorten the baby up the n I would for dure request a partial because I like the idea. Luck!
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Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

Post by FK7 » May 17th, 2010, 2:29 pm

No worries shadow, I prefer honesty over back-patting! Thanks :)

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