Query for FURY (HELP!!!) (New version)

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brandi_fey
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Query for FURY (HELP!!!) (New version)

Post by brandi_fey » May 5th, 2010, 12:15 pm

It's strange... I can usually figure out what isn't working in other people's queries, but I flounder when it comes to my own. This query is bleh. I like some of the syntax, but the sentence structure seems too uniform and I'm not sure the plot is coming through, or, if it is, it isn't intriguing enough. Thoughts? Suggestions? Derisive laughter?

New version below. I like it better, but I'm still not sure if it's there yet.

Dear [Agent]:

No one could love a face like hers.

Shunned for her scarred visage, Fury finds solace only in her ability to shift into animals. But an animal skin cannot cloak the desires of her human heart, and dreams of a green-eyed warrior, Caden, filter into nightmares of a demonic enemy. He may be the lover she’s been yearning for, or the demon’s next torment.

Caden travels to the Dark Mountains seeking a cure for his beloved’s curse, but a beautiful demon, the Devourer, coerces him into a bleak bargain: He must destroy her enemy, a deformed shapeshifter, to save his beloved and wrest his soul from the Devourer’s clutches.

But Fury’s defiance compels him to discover the woman beneath the scars. Soon, they are entangled in more than just the Devourer’s schemes, but in a love as impossible as it is improbable, and Caden must make the choice between betraying Fury and forsaking his soul.

At 107,000 words, FURY is a paranormal romance that expounds on the theme that true beauty—and true love—is more than skin deep.

[Insert agent info and author bio.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[redacted]

Version 2 (just the summary part)

No one could love a face like hers.

The Fae’len shapeshifter Fury long ago learned to cloak the yearnings of her human heart with an animal skin. But when a green-eyed warrior, Caden, shatters the curse that has mutilated her body, she believes that she has finally found the man destined to love her.

But Caden doesn’t love her. He is on a quest to find a Fae’len shapeshifter whose blood will cure his betrothed’s wasting illness. And there is something more—a taint that darkens his eyes when he thinks she’s not looking.

Fury discovers that Caden’s feelings weren’t the only pretense: he is the reluctant minion of the Devourer—the demon who cursed her, killed her mother, and is now seeking the perfect spot for Fury’s grave. Fury knows that’s reason enough to abandon the deceiving cad, but her heart won’t listen. Instead, she vows to free him from his soulless fate. And if her love can’t save him, then she’ll resort to other means.
Last edited by brandi_fey on May 5th, 2010, 5:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!)

Post by karenbb » May 5th, 2010, 12:33 pm

brandi_fey wrote:It's strange... I can usually figure out what isn't working in other people's queries, but I flounder when it comes to my own. This query is bleh. I like some of the syntax, but the sentence structure seems too uniform and I'm not sure the plot is coming through, or, if it is, it isn't intriguing enough. Thoughts? Suggestions? Derisive laughter?

Dear [Agent]:

No one could love a face like hers.

Shunned for her scarred visage, Fury finds solace only in her ability to shift into animals. But an animal skin cannot cloak the desires of her human heart, and dreams of a green-eyed warrior, Caden, filter into nightmares of a demonic enemy. Filter is confusing..."become nightmares of a demonic enemy"? He may be the lover she’s been yearning for, or the demon’s next torment.

Caden travels to the Dark Mountains seeking a cure for his beloved’s curse, Is Fury his beloved? but a beautiful demon, the Devourer, coerces him into a bleak bargain: He must destroy her enemy, a deformed shapeshifter, to save his beloved again, is this Fury? save from what or whom? and wrest his soul from the Devourer’s clutches.

But Fury’s defiance defiance about what? compels him to discover the woman beneath the scars. Soon, they are entangled in more than just the Devourer’s schemes, but in a love as impossible as it is improbable, and Caden must make the choice between betraying Fury and forsaking his soul.

At 107,000 words, FURY is a paranormal romance that expounds on the theme that true beauty—and true love—is more than skin deep.

[Insert agent info and author bio.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[redacted]
All of my comments are related to plot details. It's great to have a brief synopsis, but it is a little confusing (for me at least!) and it makes me wonder what else is going on in those 107K words. Best of luck!

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!)

Post by sperber » May 5th, 2010, 12:59 pm

Brandi -- I'll give it a shot.
brandi_fey wrote:It's strange... I can usually figure out what isn't working in other people's queries, but I flounder when it comes to my own. This query is bleh. I like some of the syntax, but the sentence structure seems too uniform and I'm not sure the plot is coming through, or, if it is, it isn't intriguing enough. Thoughts? Suggestions? Derisive laughter?

Dear [Agent]:

No one could love a face like hers. I like this simple opening, and I like that it's its own paragraph.

Shunned for her scarred visage, this phrase is a little purple for my taste Fury finds solace only in her ability to shift into animals. That's a cool trick, and you explained it in a very straightforward way. But maybe you need just a little context of what kind of world Fury lives in. But an animal skin cannot cloak the desires of her human heart, and dreams so is Fury literally dreaming of a warrior or she just pining for him?of a green-eyed warrior, Caden, filter into nightmares of a demonic enemy. I need a little more specific info. Again, are these literal nightmares and demonic enemy can be anything from the Smoke Monster from Lost to my Uncle Pete's drinking problem. He may be the lover she’s been yearning for, or the demon’s next torment.I think the problem here is that you've introduced the characters, but you haven't really told us what's actually happening.

Caden travels to the Dark Mountains seeking a cure for his beloved’s Is it Fury?curse Is fury cursed by the scars, or by the shape shifting?, but a beautiful demon, the Devourer, coerces him How does s/he coerce him? Just a drop or two or specifics will really help.into a bleak bargain: He must destroy her enemy, a deformed shapeshifterWait, is that Fury?, to save his beloved and wrest his soul from the Devourer’s clutches. After this paragraph it seems like Caden, not Fury, is the MC.

But Fury’s defiance Did Fury travel with Caden? How is she defying him? Or is she defying someone else?compels him to discover the woman beneath the scars. Ah, romance...Soon, they are entangled in more than just the Devourer’s schemes, but in a love as impossible as it is improbableNot a fan of the phrase "impossible as it is improbable.", and Caden must make the choice between betraying Fury and forsaking his soul.Without more speciics about what the plot is, this last part seems very cliche.

At 107,000 words, FURY is a paranormalfantasy, right? romance that expounds on the theme that true beauty—and true love—is more than skin deep. You don't really need to tell us the themes outright -- let your description of the story show us.

[Insert agent info and author bio.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[redacted]
Brandi, paranormal/fantasy romance isn't my thing, and I usually feel really bogged down by details when I read queries for those kinds of stories. (I know I wouldn't be able to build a world then condense it into query letter form!) So you are on the right track with this query -- I would just suggest more specifics about what's going on. At this point, I'm getting a quest, a curse, a romance, and a big beautiful villain. I'd like to know more.

Good luck!

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!)

Post by writermorris » May 5th, 2010, 1:22 pm

Some similar comments, not all.
But I thought I would include the similar ones too, so you could get a sense of what is reader subjective and what is more concrete.
I know there are lots of notes but it all seems really fixable -- nothing systemic.
And for my two cents, you've got a really strong voice. I'd want to read what you write.
Hope this helps.


Dear [Agent]:

No one could love a face like hers. Yup, love this stand alone opener.

Shunned for her scarred visage, Fury finds solace only in her ability to shift into animals. But an animal skin cannot cloak the desires of her human heart, and dreams of a green-eyed warrior, Caden, filter into nightmares of a demonic enemy. Might want to break into two sentences. There are a lot of commas happening which means I have to read slowly and focus too hard to follow.He may be the lover she’s been yearning for, or the demon’s next torment. What demon?

Caden travels to the Dark Mountains seeking a cure for his beloved’s curseAssuming you mean Fray. If so, she is more than dreaming of him, they are lovers, but a beautiful demon, the Devourer, coerces him how? into a bleak bargain: He must destroy her enemy, a deformed shapeshifterIs this Fray? Has he been suckered into destroying the very girl he's here to save?, to save his beloved and wrest his soul from the Devourer’s clutches.His soul is in her clutches? How?

But Fury’s defiance compels him to discover the woman beneath the scars. Him as in Caden? Hos is she defiant? Defiant of what? Soon, they are entangled in more than just the Devourer’s schemes, but in a love as impossible as it is improbable, yeah, cliche and Caden must make the choice between betraying Fury and forsaking his soul.

At 107,000 words, FURY is a paranormal romance that expounds on the theme that true beauty—and true love—is more than skin deep.

[Insert agent info and author bio.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[redacted]
writermorris
writermorris.blogspot.com

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!)

Post by Ermo » May 5th, 2010, 2:14 pm

brandi_fey wrote:It's strange... I can usually figure out what isn't working in other people's queries, but I flounder when it comes to my own. This query is bleh. I like some of the syntax, but the sentence structure seems too uniform and I'm not sure the plot is coming through, or, if it is, it isn't intriguing enough. Thoughts? Suggestions? Derisive laughter?

Dear [Agent]:

No one could love a face like hers. Agree this is a keeper.

Shunned for her scarred visage, Fury finds solace only in her ability to shift into animals. But an animal skin cannot cloak the desires of her human heart, and dreams of a green-eyed warrior, Caden, filter into nightmares of a demonic enemy. He may be the lover she’s been yearning for, or the demon’s next torment.

Caden travels to the Dark Mountains seeking a cure for his beloved’s curseWho is his beloved? Fury?, but a beautiful demon, the Devourer, coerces him into a bleak bargain: He must destroy her enemy, a deformed shapeshifterIs this Fury?, to save his beloved and wrest his soulWhy does the Devourer have Caden's soul? from the Devourer’s clutches.

But Fury’s defiance compels him to discover the woman beneath the scars. Soon, they are entangled in more than just the Devourer’s schemes, but in a love as impossible as it is improbable, and Caden must make the choice between betraying Fury and forsaking his soul.

At 107,000 words, FURY is a paranormal romance that expounds on the theme that true beauty—and true love—is more than skin deep.

[Insert agent info and author bio.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[redacted]
I think this query has the same issue a lot of queries have before revision (or at least mine do) - a reluctance to give away important details in the story. The agent wants to know what they're getting into and I think you should not be shy about the critical surprise elements.

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!)

Post by brandi_fey » May 5th, 2010, 3:10 pm

Wow, such awesome feedback! Thank you everyone! I will try to see what I can do with this to make it better. Specifics, specifics, specifics. (It shall be a chant in my head soon enough.)

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!)

Post by JustineDell » May 5th, 2010, 3:49 pm

brandi_fey wrote:
Dear [Agent]:

No one could love a face like hers. LOVE THIS.

Shunned for her scarred visage, Fury finds solace only in her ability to shift into animals. But an animal skin cannot cloak the desires of her human heart, and dreams of a green-eyed warrior, Caden, filter into nightmares of a demonic enemy. He may be the lover she’s been yearning for, or the demon’s next torment.

Is it only her face that is scarred, or her whole body? Just curious. Can she shift into ALL animals or one specific one? There's a huge difference. It'd be way cool if you specified she can shift into any her mind desires. There are a lot of generalizations/vague words/cliches in the first paragraph: desires of her human heart, dreams, nightmares, demonic enemy, lover she's yearning for, demon's next torment. I would suggest changing these somehow. Make the more meaningful and/or less cliche-ish. Your second sentence is 28 words long and I would recommend trying to keep all sentences below 20 words. I think it makes the writing tighter.

Caden travels to the Dark Mountains seeking a cure for his beloved’s curse, but a beautiful demon, the Devourer, coerces him into a bleak bargain: He must destroy her enemy, a deformed shapeshifter, to save his beloved and wrest his soul from the Devourer’s clutches.

Again, this is full of vagueness and more cliches. Also, you use the word "beloved" twice in the same paragraph. Plus, the paragraph is just one long sentence. Can you break it up?

But Fury’s defiance compels him to discover the woman beneath the scars. Soon, they are entangled in more than just the Devourer’s schemes, but in a love as impossible as it is improbable, and Caden must make the choice between betraying Fury and forsaking his soul.

The third paragraph is the same. Honestly, I don't know what is actually happening in your story. I know the heroine is physically scarred and the she faces is some bad element to overcome and the hero comes in to save the day. Or something like that. I don't see the underlying story. What makes your story different than every other shapeshifter romance out there? What exactly the hero/heroine have to overcome?

At 107,000 words, FURY is a paranormal romance that expounds on the theme that true beauty—and true love—is more than skin deep. Everyone else was correct about this last sentence. Also, someone mentioned "fanstasy romance" and that's not a sub-genre of romance. Everything fantasy in romance generally boils down to paranormal. I would advise against calling this fantasy. It's clear-cut paranormal romance (so long as it has a happy ending)

[Insert agent info and author bio.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[redacted]
I really think you have an interesting story here, I would just like to see what that story is. You've got a good voice, so add some details and specifics. I want to be hooked by what I read, not wondering what the story is about. There's a difference. I can't wait to see your revision! Good luck!

And...remember I'm no more experienced than you...
I hate queries myself, so take my advice or not - totally up to you. ;-)

~JD

http://www.justine-dell.blogspot.com/

"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!)

Post by Serzen » May 5th, 2010, 5:30 pm

brandi_fey wrote: This query is bleh. I like some of the syntax, but the sentence structure seems too uniform and I'm not sure the plot is coming through, or, if it is, it isn't intriguing enough.
We are our own most critical judges, even when we are our own most ardent fans. The query is less "bleh" and more..."Hrm", if you ask me. Rather than trying to throw the entire spice rack at it, let us try just some simple salt. Inline posting follows.
No one could love a face like hers.

Shunned for her scarred visage, Fury finds solace only in her ability to shift into animals. But an animal skin cannot cloak the desires of her human heart, and dreams of a green-eyed warrior, Caden, filter into nightmares of a demonic enemy. He may be the lover she’s been yearning for, or the demon’s next torment.
Allow me to be the first voice of dissent re: the opening line. It's a REALLY good line, don't get me wrong--in fact, I adore it. But it made me stop dead and make sure that I hadn't missed the introduction of the mysterious 'her'. My brain is just wired that way; I want pronouns to be made clear prior to their usage. Sorry. If you love the line, and there's no reason you shouldn't, just ignore my quirks.

Next paragraph: "...finds solace only..." is, perhaps, a little bland; not passive, but somewhat inactive. How about something like "...can only find solace..."? or, maybe, "...consoles herself with..." to show that Fury has tried/is trying to make do/the best of it? In the next line, I think you might be better served by a possessive case, namely, "But an animal's skin..." Further down the sentence, I'm getting what you intend with 'filter', but on first pass I mistook it for a typo of 'flitter'. Would 'evolve' be out of the question or inaccurate? Or could the dreams be 'supplanted {or} displaced by' the nightmares?
Caden travels to the Dark Mountains seeking a cure for his beloved’s curse, but a beautiful demon, the Devourer, coerces him into a bleak bargain: He must destroy her enemy, a deformed shapeshifter, to save his beloved and wrest his soul from the Devourer’s clutches.
Here I'll jump on the bandwagon and say that the beloved needs to be identified. It would probably be sufficient to make the identity known by telling us how Caden came to know whom s/he is. For example: "Caden, meanwhile, has been haunted by his own dreams, a {descriptor} who fills a void in his soul" or somesuch. In the final bit, I'm not really keen on the verb 'wrest'. It gets your meaning across, sure, but is, again, bland. What if Caden were to "disenthrall his soul from the Devourer's devices"? Or clutches, sorry. But 'disenthrall' (which is a real word, Firefox spellcheck, jeez) carries connotations of bondage, enslavement, powerlessness and so on.
But Fury’s defiance compels him to discover the woman beneath the scars. Soon, they are entangled in more than just the Devourer’s schemes, but in a love as impossible as it is improbable, and Caden must make the choice between betraying Fury and forsaking his soul.
I think that at the end you can get away with a dash instead of the comma. Also, I'd nix the "make a choice" and use a single-word verb. Finally, "forsaking his soul" tells me that Caden could decide to go ahead and live with Fury, just be a soulless dude while he does it. How big, exactly, of a hindrance would that be? Or would he be 'forfeiting' his soul, and thus subject to more dire consequences? So, in my preferred version, the end would read something more like "...as it is improbable--and Caden must choose between betraying Fury or forfeiting his soul."

As always, these are my thoughts and musings. Take them with a grain of salt. Nevertheless, I think that you're not as far off the mark as you may have previously convinced yourself.

~Serzen
Il en est des livres comme du feu de nos foyers; on va prendre ce feu chez son voisin, on l’allume chez soi, on le communique à d’autres, et il appartient à tous. --Voltaire

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!) (New version)

Post by kenpochick » May 6th, 2010, 5:17 pm

brandi_fey wrote:

No one could love a face like hers.

The Fae’len shapeshifter, Fury, long ago learned to cloak the yearnings of her human heart with an animal skin. But when a green-eyed warrior, Caden, shatters the curse that has mutilated her body, she believes that she has finally found the man destined to love her.

But Caden doesn’t love her. He is on a quest to find a Fae’len shapeshifter whose blood will cure his betrothed’s wasting illness. And there is something more—a taint that darkens his eyes when he thinks she’s not looking.

Fury discovers that Caden’s feelings weren’t the only pretense: he is the reluctant minion of the Devourer—the demon who cursed her, killed her mother, and is now seeking the perfect spot for Fury’s grave. Fury knows that’s reason enough to abandon the deceiving cad, but her heart won’t listen. Instead, she vows to free him from his soulless fate. And if her love can’t save him, then she’ll resort to other means.


This query looks much better than your first one. You list this as a paranormal romance but right now I'm not seeing it. Quite honestly, I think she should kill him. Maybe try to fit a little better why we should care about Caden. You've already says he doesn't love her, he works for her enemy and she's still trying to get him. Why?

Good luck!

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!) (New version)

Post by JustineDell » May 6th, 2010, 9:54 pm

brandi_fey wrote:
First, this is much better than the original. There are some spots that I think could still use some work. You say this is a romance, right? So, in a romance you have the hero and heroine (I'm assuming Fury and Caden are those people). Now, like I said before, I'm no professional--but I do write romance. I've struggled with my own query right here on the forums and I've pounded my head on the wall in private. First I would suggest you google and find some romance queries. I've learned (not that this is right) that most of them are structured like this:

1st paragraph/sentence: Your hook. You've got a pretty good one with your first line. I like it. But I think you could add more to it.

2nd pargraph: Heroine's intro (because mainly the story is written from her eyes). Obstacles she is faced with, things she has to overcome..etc...etc.

3rd paragraph: Hero's intro. Obstacles he is faced with, things he has to overcome.

4th pargraph: How the H/H come together and the all important hook!

Now, this isn't a sure-fire query method. I know that. You know that. Not to mention, theres a lot more info you can add. You can structure your query however you want, but keep in mind that we need to know what the H/H have to face (SPECIFICS) and how they come together. And then hook me! Truthfully, my query isn't structured quite like this, but it's a good start. Now, it's important to remember that you need to set your story apart from all those other paranormal romance. I'm sorry, but I don't quite see how you have done that. First, you still don't mention what she shifts into (you mention Fae'len, but Fae doesn't really help me. Unless you mean wolf, derived from the Irish term?). Is there a reason you are purposely leaving this information out? Second, if Caden is totally human, I think you should mention it--or be more specific about what he is exactly because right now I can't tell if he's some mythical type warrior or something less human-like.


No one could love a face like hers.

The Fae’len shapeshifter Fury long ago learned to cloak the yearnings of her human heart with an animal skin. But when a green-eyed warrior, Caden, shatters the curse that has mutilated her body, she believes that (delete "that")she has (delete has)finally found the man destined to love her.<--This is still kind of a long sentence.

This is the second time you've used "but" to begin a sentence. I would suggest doing it as little as possible. But Caden doesn’t love her. He is on a quest to find a Fae’len shapeshifter whose blood will cure his betrothed’s wasting illness. (Removed the "And")And there is something more—a taint that darkens his eyes when he thinks she’s not looking. <--This last sentence is awkward and I don't really understand what you are saying. His eyes actually change into something?

Fury discovers that (delete "that")Caden’s feelings weren’t the only pretense What feelings? His feelings towards who? The feelings that he doesn't love Fury? That doesn't really seem like a pretense. It seems like a pretty big problem: he is the reluctant minion of the Devourer—the demon who cursed her, killed her mother, and is now seeking the perfect spot for Fury’s grave. <--Love this addition. Up the ante. Fury knows that’s reason enough to abandon the deceiving cad<--typo?, capitolize hero's name here., but her heart won’t listen. Instead, she vows to free him from his soulless fate. And if her love can’t save him, then she’ll resort to other means.

Why does Caden have a soulless fate? You kind of make him sound like a vampire here (no offense if he's not, but most people consider soulless people vampires) And, since he doesn't love her - you've made that very clear, I see a problem with the development of their relationship. I'm assuming he falls in love with her, right? And, what would her other means be? If she bit him would he be like her? What's the deal with his soon to be wife? Does he not love her? Does he want out of the engagment, but is held captive into by the Devourer? Little details like this can give your query a punch.
Well, there's my second set of two cents. I hope I'm not being to hard, I really try to be constructive. I REALLY think you've got a good thing here, like I said before. I think there's some good spots to add some more specifics. If it helps try something like this. Write a long query...point out everything you could tell someone about your story. Then cut some out...and do that again, while keeping important details and plot hooks in. After some cutting you'll end up with a tight query that gets straight to the point without and vague descriptions or generalized words/sentences.

I hope that helps and doesn't confuse you further. Trust me when I say I understand how hard this is. I feel your pain. I also know how hard it is to get mixed feedback from so many people on the forums. One bit of advice is to make sure no matter what, you keep your query as you. At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right to you. You have to sell your story in the least amount of words. Since you know the plot and how everything works out, it's up to you to come up with the all important hook. I think you can do it. Good luck!

~JD

http://www.justine-dell.blogspot.com/

"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!) (New version)

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 6th, 2010, 9:55 pm

brandi_fey wrote:It's strange... I can usually figure out what isn't working in other people's queries, but I flounder when it comes to my own. This query is bleh. I like some of the syntax, but the sentence structure seems too uniform and I'm not sure the plot is coming through, or, if it is, it isn't intriguing enough. Thoughts? Suggestions? Derisive laughter?

New version below. I like it better, but I'm still not sure if it's there yet.


Version 2 (just the summary part)

No one could love a face like hers. (So Serzen dissented already, so I won't feel quite so bad, but I'm dissenting for another reason. I don't love it, unfortunately. I don't think it's a bad line, but it surprises me a little bit, I guess, that it got so much attention. It is a cliche. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing! But it is something that gets said often, maybe even every time there's a book about a person with a deformity (The Elephant Man, Invisible Monsters, etc...) Maybe it's because I'm a guy? I don't know. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either.)

The Fae’len shapeshifter Fury long ago learned to cloak the yearnings of her human heart with an animal skin. (I would prefer this to be more direct. I think I liked the first version of this sentence better. The first version implies that she "finds solace" through her transformation. This version implies that... she's hiding her emotions from others by turning into an animal. I'm assuming what you're getting at is that, she's deformed, so being an animal makes her feel better sometimes. I think the first version says that better than this one.) But when a green-eyed warrior, Caden, shatters the curse that has mutilated her body, she believes that she has finally found the man destined to love her. (I'm taking this to mean she's no longer deformed.)

But Caden doesn’t love her. (I like the bluntness.) He is on a quest to find a Fae’len shapeshifter whose blood will cure his betrothed’s wasting illness. ("to find a Fae'len shapeshifter whose blood..." would need commas, I think, but I think shorter, blunter sentences like the first one would work better. Obviously you're linking the description of Fury in the first paragraph as a "Fae'len shapeshifter" to what he needs, here, but I think it'd be more effective to just say it: He doesn't love her. He believes Fury's blood will cure... also, "his betrothed's wasting illness" needs to be clarified. His betrothed is just some woman he's married to, right? I'm assuming Fury doesn't know about her? And "wasting illness" does sound nice, but it doesn't really tell us much about her condition. Is she dying?) And there is something more—a taint that darkens his eyes when he thinks she’s not looking.

Fury discovers that Caden’s feelings weren’t the only pretense: he is the reluctant minion of the Devourer—the demon who cursed her, killed her mother, and is now seeking the perfect spot for Fury’s grave. (This may be unimportant, but why does this demon target her so specifically?) Fury knows that’s reason enough to abandon the deceiving cad, but her heart won’t listen. (Her heart is stupid! Sorry, but, the guy does seem like a definitive tool.) Instead, she vows to free him from his soulless fate. And if her love can’t save him, then she’ll resort to other means. (I assume she's going to go after the Demon? Again, I'd say just say that outright. Where you leave us off here, I don't really like Caden. You don't give me the impression Fury is in over her head against the demon, either. There's not enough focus to this in general to make me feel invested in it.)
It needs more specifics. Specifically, if you're calling this a romance I think I'm wondering where the romance is, exactly. Because in the query it looks like a girl who wants an ass, which is so true to life by the way, but there isn't much reciprocation of love. Is there ever, in this story? Because it seems confusing to call it a romance when the query reads like we're eventually going to find out Fury realizes he's an idiot and leaves or kills him or something.

On that note, Caden might seem more sympathetic if we knew more about the girl he's trying to help. That, or he just needs more of a personality in general.

I'm also wondering the setting of this. Is this urban, or does it take place in history? Is it Earth?

It seems odd. You clearly focused on the main story here between her and him, and yet it seems... like the focus is somewhere else. It also seems very insular. I think the big reason for that is we don't really know what actually happens. It's mostly set-up.

I'm curious to see where this goes.

brandi_fey
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Re: Query for FURY (HELP!!!) (New version)

Post by brandi_fey » May 7th, 2010, 4:40 pm

Thanks, again, for all the wonderful feedback. My brain hurts right now, but hopefully all your good advice is sinking in. I shall strive and pinch and struggle with this until it's perfect! Rawr!

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