EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

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Re: REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by GeeGee55 » May 10th, 2010, 11:39 pm

Hi, mrm:

You have a lot of advice here and it's easy to get lost in all of it. Just one thing: I'd keep the opening sentence from your last revision = it sets things up really well. It's a good hook I think. The Circle's a secret society of demon hunters... it explains the situation and gets me interested. Good job.

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Re: NEW REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 11th, 2010, 12:25 am

mrmerrick wrote:So here's the latest edition. The problem I'm having is I was under the impression, that this was more of a teaser, but the more people comment on it (which I value) it seems they want it to read more as a synopsis, which I thought I was supposed to avoid... Now my problem is, It's getting wordy, but if i start cutting and trimming it down, I risk taking out the motivations of the characters and themes...Anyways, here is my latest revision and hopefully I finally have it, but with your query critiques would you also consider the length? I know they say 250 words is good but i'm bordering 380 here although in size 12 font it still is only a single page (which is what most agency's I've researched like it to be).

If I haven't said it enough, thank you all very much for you help this has proven to be most valuable. I truly appreciate it, I just want to make sure I'm not over explaining things here.
If you look at Nathan's examples of good query letters in "Anatomy of a Good Query Letter" (which I hope we get more of), all three of the examples he gives are brief. The plot is only a single paragraph. I think most of them only set up the conflict... if you look at the one for Life, Love and a Polar Bear Tattoo, for instance, it sets up the character with one sentence, and the conflict, but none of the explicit details of the story are explained. But then, if you look at even the letters that Querk Shark says "get to yes," they tend to be significantly longer.

I think the one commonality you can take from it, though, is that they both make the story sound interesting. I tend to think that some stories, particularly straight forward genre fiction, tends to explain itself, and you don't need to describe all the plot turns because the reader gets a strong enough sense of conflict from a few lines. It requires tremendous discipline to literally do several things with each sentence, where one sentence might set the character, show you briefly why you should care about him or her while simultaneously telling you there's about to be serious trouble. Condensing that into a single sentence, or two, or three, is difficult, and just won't work as well for all books.

The query letter is supposed to be a teaser, though. But it's also supposed to show the agent you have a story worth reading, and you can write it effectively. I presume every mistake an agent sees gets magnified by 10,000 in the heads of agents as they try to imagine that mistake extrapolated over 80 to 100,000 words. A missing comma looks grim when you think of it in those terms, and even two misplaced punctuation marks probably means instant rejection.

My comments to you aren't trying to suggest that you need to explain every twist and turn in the plot. There may have been a breakdown in communication somewhere. What I really was trying to get at is that the query in general wasn't specific enough to make it different enough in my head to where I felt like I had to read it. Rather than adding detail upon detail to make up for the vagueness, I should have suggested that you try possibly fewer sentences, but that say more, as in, do multiple things at a time. Nathan's breakdown of the query in LIFE, LOVE AND A POLAR BEAR TATTOO stuck with me, particularly the part he pointed out how the narrator was growing distant from her husband, but her husband was off doing charity work... which told Nathan that the husband was a good person, this wasn't a typical abusive-husband relationship, and it meant real tension. That's the best example I've personally seen of an agent showing us how they connect the dots like that, and how astute they are to specific descriptions. That's why it's best to use specifics. It lets the reader imagine the conflict, and shows a trust in the audience to put the strings together without being explicitly told every detail. Which bodes well for the novel as a whole.

That's a book and a half on this subject, though. I don't mean to direct the essay at you, exactly. That's just my long-winded way of explaining why I tend to suggest the things I do when critiquing other people's work. I don't know if it's right, it's just my opinion.

In the end, every word counts.

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Re: REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by Quill » May 11th, 2010, 10:54 am

lexcade wrote:
Three years ago seventeen-year-old Chase was exiled by his father, and the attacks on his life haven’t stopped. The demons of the Underworld would love nothing more than to kill the son of notorious demon hunter and fire elemental Riley Williams. When Chase is attacked by vampires
The way it's worded I read that the demons want to pink slip the elemental Riley. And I was all "yeah, fire his slacker a**." But that's not what you mean, is it?
on his way home from work,
Not sure this is important.
he’s saved by Rayna, a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s part hunter with her own element,
Her own element, like, she owns boron?
which leaves a taste of jealousy in Chase’s mouth.
This is awkward. I don't think Chase's mouth is important to this query.
When Chase catches hunters torturing demons for information, he learns that the Circle of demon hunters plans to break the seal on a portal and unleash pure-blood demons into the world. Putting his jealousy aside,
I'm not sure his jealousy is important to mention once, let alone twice. It doesn't seem central to the story.
he pairs up with Rayna, whom he begins to see is not “just a demon.” When Rayna nearly dies in battle, Chase’s anger explodes and with it, his own elements are born. Now able to create and control both fire and water,
Creating fire and water makes him a god, no? Is that what an elemental is, a god? This isn't clear to me. But, okay, carry on.
Chase comes face to face with the hunter behind it all: his father.
This is good.
Riley opens the portal to invoke the demon God Ithreal and take control of his army. Disappearing through the portal, Chase follows him and navigates his way through the demonic dimension to stop him. If he can’t, he’ll lose Rayna and the world he was born to protect.
Too much plot for a query, if you ask me. Any way to simplify and still give the main conflict of the story?
EXILED is an Urban Fantasy complete at approximately 109,000 words. It stands alone as a novel but I have an exciting vision for a series. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I've never seen a query letter with the word "approximately". I suggest omitting it.

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Re: NEW REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by mrmerrick » May 12th, 2010, 1:30 pm

So i've tried to tighten some of the lines out, and have taken in some more of your suggestions to make it flow better. I think I'm getting closer, what do you think?

Dear Agent,

The Circle’s a secret society of demon hunters, and Chase Williams is destined to be part of it – or so he thinks. Failing to develop an elemental power Chase is exiled by his father. Forced to live among the demons, Chase finds the line between the Underworld and the Circle starting to blur.

Three years later, the attacks on seventeen-year-old Chase haven’t stopped. The demons of the Underworld would love to get revenge and kill the son of notorious hunter and fire elemental Riley Williams. Attacked by vampires, Chase’s saved by Rayna, - a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s part hunter with an elemental power of her own. Chase hates that she’s a demon and would rather kill her than thank her, but he’s never met a demon who hasn’t tried to kill him. When Chase catches hunters torturing demons for information, he learns the Circle plans to unlock a portal and unleash pure blood demons. Putting his feelings aside he pairs up with Rayna. Fighting demons and hunters along their way, Chase begins to rely on her; she’s not ‘just a demon’ anymore. When Rayna almost dies in battle, Chase explodes in anger and with it, his own elements are born. Able to create and control fire and water, Chase comes face to face with the hunter behind it all: his father. With Rayna as his hostage, Riley succeeds and disappears through the portal, planning to invoke the demon God Ithreal. With no choice but to follow, Chase navigates the demonic dimension to stop him. If he can’t, he’ll lose Rayna, and the world he was born to protect.

EXILED is an Urban Fantasy complete at 109,000 words. It stands alone as a novel but I have an exciting vision for a series. If you would like to see the full manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

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Re: QUERY - EXILED

Post by wilderness » May 13th, 2010, 6:18 pm

Hi,
I actually liked the previous version better - it was almost there except for a few typos I think. Also, I think the extra paragraph break makes it read a bit easier. Here are some thoughts on that version.
mrmerrick wrote:
Dear Agent,

In a world of magic and half-demons, Chase Williams is destined to be a demon hunter – or so he thinks. Chase wants to be part of The Circle, a secret society of demon hunters, but his father exiles him for failing to develop an elemental power. Removed the passive voice. Forced to live among the demons, he finds the line between the Underworld and the Circle starting to blur. Liked this version of this sentence better.

Three years after his exile, seventeen-year-old Chase is attacked by demons on his way home from work. Are demons and vampires the same? If so, it seems simpler to stick to one term. The demons of the Underworld would love nothing more than to kill the son of notorious hunter and fire elemental Riley Williams. Fangs bore and talons sharp,The demons are ready to rip out his throat, (remove comma) when a stranger and a silver stake save his life. Rayna is a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret; she’s part hunter too. Her mother a witch and her fathers a hunter has left her demon magic and an earth element. Chase hates that she’s a demon, but the fact she has her own element puts the taste of jealousy in his mouth. I like this character dynamic!

Stumbling upon hunters torturing demons for information, Chase learns the Circle plans to break the seal on a portal and unleash pure blood demons into the world. Maybe just a quick explanation of how they would benefit from this? Putting his jealousy aside, he pairs up with Rayna, the only help he has. Fighting and as they fight demons and hunters along their way, Chase and Rayna grow closer, an attraction sparking between them. When a fight with the demons goes bad and Rayna nearly dies, Chase explodes in anger and with it, his own elements are born. Able to create and control both fire and water, Chase meets face to face with the hunter behind it all: his father. Great twist! Navigating a demonic dimension, Chase escapes goblins and battles trolls to stop his father. If he succeeds, he can save those close to him, and the world he was born to protect.

EXILED is an Urban Fantasy completed at approximately 109,000 words. It stands alone as a novel but I have an exciting vision for a future series. If you would like to view a partial or full version of the manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Matthew R. Merrick
This sounds very cool! Good luck!

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Re: NEW REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by mrmerrick » May 25th, 2010, 1:47 pm

So here is my latest revision. I found myself getting a little flustered so I tried to take a step back and come back with a lighter approach. I felt like maybe I was getting inside my own head too much and it was conflicting with the voice of my story. Let me know what you think!

Dear Agent,

Chase Williams was destined to be a demon hunter in the Circle – or so he thought. Failing to develop an elemental power, he was exiled by his father. Forced to live among the demons, Chase finds the line between the Underworld and the Circle starting to blur.

Three years after his exile, seventeen-year-old Chase is just trying to survive. The demons of the Underworld want revenge for the lives the Circle has taken, and what better way than to kill the son of notorious hunter and fire elemental Riley Williams. When the demons get the best of Chase and move in for the kill, he’s saved by Rayna, a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s part hunter too. Chase hates that she’s a demon and would rather kill her than thank her, but discovering hunters are attempting to open portals to the other dimensions, he has no choice but to work with her to stop them.

Fighting demons and hunters along their way, Chase’s outlook on Rayna changes; she’s not ‘just a demon’ anymore. When she’s nearly killed in battle, Chase’s anger explodes and with it, his own elements are born. Able to create and control fire and water, Chase comes face to face with the hunter behind it all: his father. Succeeding in opening the portal, Riley takes Rayna hostage and disappears through it, planning to invoke the demon God Ithreal. With no choice but to follow, Chase navigates the demonic dimension to stop him. If he can’t, he’ll lose Rayna and the world he was born to protect.

Exiled is an Urban Fantasy completed at 106,000 words and is my first novel. I have an exciting vision for a future series and hope you find an interest in my novel. (PERSONAL AGENT INFORMATION) If you’d like to see a full version of the manuscript, it’s available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Last edited by mrmerrick on May 25th, 2010, 6:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: NEW REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by HillaryJ » May 27th, 2010, 12:47 am

mrmerrick wrote:
Dear Agent,

Chase Williams was destined to be a demon hunter in the Circle – or so he thought. Failing to develop an elemental power, he was exiled by his father. Forced to live among the demons, Chase finds the line between the Underworld and the Circle starting to blur. *Suggest explaining the Circle in this paragraph.*

Three years after his exile, seventeen-year-old Chase is just trying to survive. The demons of the Underworld want revenge for the lives the Circle has taken, and what better way than to kill the son of notorious hunter and fire elemental Riley Williams. When the demons get the best of Chase and move in for the kill, he’s saved by Rayna, a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s part hunter too. Chase hates that she’s a demon and would rather kill her than thank her, but discovering hunters are attempting to open portals to the other dimensions, he has no choice but to work with her to stop them.

Fighting demons and hunters along their way, Chase’s outlook on Rayna changes; *Boo! Obviously he doesn't just shake of his prejudice, he starts to have other feelings for her. So, say something like that instead of this weather report.* she’s not ‘just a demon’ anymore. When she’s nearly killed in battle, Chase’s anger explodes and with it, his own elements are born. Able to create and control fire and water, Chase comes face to face with the hunter behind it all:*it all=no good. "the portal conspiracy", "the coup"...anything but "it all"* his father. Succeeding in opening the portal, Riley takes Rayna hostage and disappears through it, planning to invoke the demon God Ithreal. With no choice but to follow, Chase navigates the demonic dimension to stop him. If he can’t, he’ll lose Rayna and the world he was born to protect.

Exiled is an Urban Fantasy completed at 106,000 words and is my first novel. I have an exciting vision for a future series and hope you find an interest in my novel. (PERSONAL AGENT INFORMATION) If you’d like to see a full version of the manuscript, it’s available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
It looks like you're just making minuscule changes. Don't forget to get Chase's voice and feelings in there. Is being on the outs with the Circle frustrating? Is he trudging along, making a buck and keeping his head down when he knows in his little heart of hearts that he has something worthy inside of him?
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Re: EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by mrmerrick » May 27th, 2010, 12:56 am

Well I'm not sure how this happened. But the last query I posted was an old query lol. Here is the most recent of my queries, sorry for the annoyance and inconvience.

Dear AGENT,

Chase Williams is seventeen and destined to be a demon hunter in the Circle – or so he thinks. Failing to develop an elemental power, Chase is exiled by his father and forced to live among the demons, where to him, the line between the Underworld and the Circle starting is to blur.

Three years after his exile, the attacks on Chase haven’t stopped. The demons of the Underworld would love to kill the son of notorious hunter and fire elemental Riley Williams. Attacked by demons, Chase is saved by Rayna - a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s half hunter with an element of her own. Being a demon Chase would rather kill her than thank her, but he’s never had a demon on his side before.

Catching hunters torturing demons for information, Chase learns the Circle wants a special demon’s blood to unlock a portal to other dimensions. Knowing their plan will unleash pure blood demons into the world, Chase pushes his feelings aside and pairs up with Rayna to stop them. Fighting demons and hunters along their way, Chase begins to rely on Rayna; she’s not ‘just a demon’ anymore. When Rayna almost dies in battle, Chase’s anger explodes and with it, his own elements are born. Able to create and control both fire and water, Chase comes face to face with the hunter responsible: his father. With Rayna as his hostage, Riley succeeds and disappears through the portal, planning to invoke the demon God Ithreal. Riley believes if he can control the Underworld he can stop the war between the hunters and the demons, but Chase knows that kind of power can never be harnessed and he won't risk Rayna's life for him to have it. With no choice but to follow, Chase navigates the demonic dimension to stop him. If he can’t, he’ll lose Rayna, and the world he was born to protect.

EXILED is an Urban Fantasy complete at 106,000 words and is my first novel. PERSONAL AGENT INFO. If you would like to see the full manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Matthew R. Merrick

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Re: EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by ceiser » May 27th, 2010, 9:08 am

Hi, mrmerrik. Here are my impressions, such that they are...
mrmerrick wrote:Well I'm not sure how this happened. But the last query I posted was an old query lol. Here is the most recent of my queries, sorry for the annoyance and inconvience.

Dear AGENT,

Chase Williams is seventeen and destined to be a demon hunter in the Circle – or so he thinks. I think others have mentioned this, but talking a little bit about what the Circle is would be really beneficial to the reader's understanding of what's going on. Failing to develop an elemental power, Chase is exiled by his father and forced to live among the demons, where to him, the line between the Underworld and the Circle starting is to blur. Since we don't really know what the Circle is, this isn't very evocative. Are we talking heaven and hell? Somewhere in between?

Three years after his exile this makes it sound like his exile is over - is it?, the attacks on Chase haven’t stopped based on the next sentence, why should anyone expect the attacks to stop? Actually, I think you could probably do away with the first sentence altogether. The demons of the Underworld would love to kill the son of notorious hunter and fire elemental Riley Williams. Attacked by demons, Chase is saved by Rayna - a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s half hunter with an element of her own does being a hunter equal having an element; that is why Chase can't become a hunter at first, right? maybe not since you refer to Riley as both, but saying half hunter seems kind of odd. if being a hunter does equal being an elemental, I think there might be a better way to phrase this. Being a demon, I think you need a comma here Chase would rather kill her than thank her, but he’s never had a demon on his side before.

Catching hunters torturing demons for information I had to read this a few times..., Chase learns the Circle wants a special demon’s blood to unlock a portal to other dimensions. Knowing their plan will unleash pure blood demons into the world I'm confused - aren't they already in the world, keeping the Circle in business?, Chase pushes his feelings aside and pairs up with Rayna to stop them. Fighting demons and hunters along their way, Chase begins to rely on Rayna; she’s not ‘just a demon’ anymore. When Rayna almost dies in battle, Chase’s anger explodes and with it, his own elements are born. Able to create and control both fire and water, Chase comes face to face with the hunter responsible: his father. With Rayna as his hostage, Riley succeeds and disappears through the portal, planning to invoke the demon God Ithreal I think you need a comma either after demon or god, depending on whether he's a god or just a demon with a really big name; and, this is nitpicky, but only Jesus's dad is capitalized. Riley believes if he can control the Underworld he can stop the war between the hunters and the demons, but Chase knows that kind of power can never be harnessed how does Chase know better than his famous and more experienced father? and he won't risk Rayna's life for him to have it. With no choice but to follow, Chase navigates the demonic dimension to stop him. If he can’t, he’ll lose Rayna, and the world he was born to protect.

EXILED is an Urban from what we've read, I don't see or feel any urban... Fantasy complete at 106,000 words and is my first novel. PERSONAL AGENT INFO. If you would like to see the full manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Matthew R. Merrick
I know it looks like I've got nothing but negative things to say, but I definitely think you've got something here. I know how hard these stinking queries are, and it's always easier to critique other people's. Anyway, I hope that this has been helpful, if only a wee bit.

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Re: EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by mrmerrick » May 27th, 2010, 9:23 am

Your help is deinfitely welcome ceisar thank you. If there was alot of positive about it I wouldn't keep posting here. I'm kind of running in circles with it. Thanks alot for your advice, I appreciate the insight.

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Re: EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by Emily J » May 27th, 2010, 3:57 pm

Okay as a preface I have not read your earlier versions nor the comments. I feel it's best to go in fresh! (nevermind my laziness lol)
mrmerrick wrote:Well I'm not sure how this happened. But the last query I posted was an old query lol. Here is the most recent of my queries, sorry for the annoyance and inconvience.

Dear AGENT,

Chase Williams is seventeen and destined to be a demon hunter in the Circle – or so he thinks. the Circle being what now?? Failing to develop an elemental power, Chase is exiled by his father and forced to live among the demons, where to him, the line between the Underworld and the Circle starting is to blur. So assuming the Circle is related to demons somehow

Three years after his exile, the attacks on Chase haven’t stopped. wha? huh? what attacks? *confused* The demons of the Underworld would love to kill the son of notorious hunter and fire elemental Riley Williams. okay, getting it now, but you haven't mentioned anything about these attacks previouslyAttacked by demons, Chase is saved by Rayna - a sexy sexy is alright, but overused half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s half hunter with an element of her own. what element? Being a demon comma here and wait, I think that's a dangling participle, it is, it is a dangling participle! I remember my grammar class! But yeah change that Chase would rather kill her than thank her, but he’s never had a demon on his side before.

Catching hunters torturing demons for information, diving right in here, why are they catching hunters? why are they working together? Chase learns the Circle wants a special demon’s blood to unlock a portal to other dimensions. Knowing their plan will unleash pure blood demons into the world, which world? which dimension? Chase pushes his feelings what feelings? aside and pairs up with Rayna to stop them. Fighting demons and hunters along their way, you know you are overusing this sentence structure right? Chase begins to rely on Rayna; she’s not ‘just a demon’ anymore. When Rayna almost dies in battle, Chase’s anger explodes and with it, his own elements are born. Able to create and control both fire and water, Chase comes face to face with the hunter responsible: his father. With Rayna as his hostage, Riley succeeds with his nefarious plot... missing something here and disappears through the portal, planning to invoke the demon God Ithreal. wait... why does he want to invoke the demon God Ithreal? you lost me again Riley believes if he can control the Underworld he can stop the war between the hunters and the demons, okay you found me again but Chase knows that kind of power can never be harnessed and he won't risk Rayna's life for him to have it. a bit awkwardly phrased, i get it though With no choice but to follow, Chase navigates the demonic dimension to stop him. If he can’t, he’ll lose Rayna, and the world he was born to protect.

EXILED is an Urban Fantasy complete at 106,000 words and is my first novel. not sure if it is good to include this or not PERSONAL AGENT INFO. If you would like to see the full manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Matthew R. Merrick
Overall I like the story idea but the query feels long and a bit unwieldly with all the plot crammed in. Also, be careful of grammatical mistakes and try to vary your sentence structure. You have WAY too many sentences that started with a dependent clause then Chase did this, or Chase did that. Make sure not to be too repetitive with names. So, it's not bad, but I think it has room for improvement.

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Re: EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by mrmerrick » May 27th, 2010, 7:45 pm

I really hope this is better. It's quite a bit shorter and I've scaled back alot of the ideas, but I hope in doing that I've focused on just the main plot, and characters. Thanks so much for pushing through all this with me, it's been a battle I know but I truly appreciate it!

Dear AGENT,


Chase Williams was destined to be in the Circle, a secret society of demon hunters – or so he thought. Failing to develop an elemental power at his coming-of-age ceremony, Chase was exiled by his father and forced to live among the demons, but surviving is more difficult than he imagined.

The demons of the Underworld want revenge on the Circle, and killing the son of a notorious hunter and fire elemental will satisfy that craving. When an attack nearly claims Chase’s life, he’s saved by Rayna - a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s half hunter with an elemental power of her own.

Together they learn the Circle plans to unlock a portal to another dimension, but in their attempt to stop them, Rayna is captured. As Chase tries to save her, he discovers the Circle’s plan goes farther than opening the portal. They're going to sacrifice Rayna to summon the demon god Ithreal, and take his power for their own. When the hunters succeed in opening the portal, Chase has no choice but to follow and navigates the dark dimension to stop them. If he can’t he’ll lose Rayna and the world he was born to protect.


EXILED is a Young Adult Fantasy at 106,000 words. PERSONAL AGENT INFO. If you would like to see the full manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration

Sincerely,
Matthew R. Merrick

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Re: EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by JadePhoenix » May 28th, 2010, 12:19 am

I haven't posted on your query before but I've been lurking and this one is a SERIOUS improvement! That's not saying that the first one was horrible or anything, but this one is really very good! I only saw a few tiny things that I would change and at least two are probably more of a stylistic thing. I like that it's short, to the point, and gets you thinking "what happens?" You don't want a synopsis (though you DO want one before you start sending out queries, trust me on that!) so it's a really good snippet of information that tells you the premise and leaves you wondering about more. :)

mrmerrick wrote:
Dear AGENT,


Chase Williams was destined to be in the Circle, a secret society of demon hunters – or so he thought. Failing to develop an elemental power at his coming-of-age ceremony, Chase was exiled by his father and forced to live among the demons, but surviving is more difficult than he imagined.

The demons of the Underworld want revenge on the Circle, and killing the son of a notorious hunter and fire elemental will satisfy that craving. When an attack nearly claims Chase’s life, he’s saved by Rayna - a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s half hunter with an elemental power of her own.This is a bit of a cobbled together sentence so you may consider breaking it into two for a cleaner look (more stylistic than anything else so not a big deal).

Together they learn the Circle plans to unlock a portal to another dimension, but in their attempt to stop them, Rayna is captured.the "but" should go before the comma so it's "...but, in their attempt to stop them,..." The way to tell is if you remove everything inside the commas and the sentence still makes sense. As Chase tries to save her, he discovers the Circle’s plan goes farther than opening the portal. They're going to sacrifice Rayna to summon the demon god Ithreal, and take his power for their own. When the hunters succeed in opening the portal, Chase has no choice but to follow and navigates the dark dimension to stop them. If he can’t he’ll lose Rayna and the world he was born to protect.


EXILED is a Young Adult Fantasy at 106,000 words. PERSONAL AGENT INFO. If you would like to see the full manuscript, it is available at your request.From what I've read on different agent blogs you don't really need this. Pretty much every agency requires you to have a complete manuscript so they're assuming it's finished and obviously you're querying them so they'll request your manuscript so putting this here is kind of redundant. Thank you for your time and consideration

Sincerely,
Matthew R. Merrick
I really like this one, for what it's worth being a non-agent person, and would totally read it if I saw it in a bookstore! Good luck on your querying! :)

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Re: EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by HillaryJ » May 29th, 2010, 12:51 am

[quote="mrmerrick"]

Dear AGENT,


Chase Williams was destined to be in the Circle, a secret society of demon hunters – or so he thought. *Finally!* Failing to develop an elemental power at his coming-of-age ceremony *nice addition*, Chase was exiled by his father and forced to live among the demons, but surviving is more difficult than he imagined. *Agree with others that the sentence might better be broken up at "but surviving*

The demons of the Underworld want revenge on the Circle, and killing the son of a notorious hunter and fire elemental will satisfy that craving. When an attack nearly claims Chase’s life, he’s saved by Rayna - a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s half hunter with an elemental power of her own.

Together they learn the Circle plans to unlock a portal to another dimension, but in their attempt to stop them, Rayna is captured. As Chase tries to save her, he discovers the Circle’s plan goes farther than opening the portal. They're going to sacrifice Rayna to summon the demon god Ithreal, and take his power for their own. When the hunters succeed in opening the portal, Chase has no choice but to follow and navigate the dark dimension on his own. If he can’t stop the hunters, he’ll lose Rayna and the world he was born to protect. *bit of a suggestion for smoothing here*

Big changes = Big improvement.
Blog http://www.hillaryjacques.blogspot.com
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CARNIEPUNK - http://books.simonandschuster.com/Carni ... 1476714158
as Regan Summers - The Night Runner series from Carina Press

Emily J
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Re: EVEN NEWER REVISIONS - QUERY - EXILED

Post by Emily J » May 29th, 2010, 11:02 am

mrmerrick wrote:I really hope this is better. It's quite a bit shorter and I've scaled back alot of the ideas, but I hope in doing that I've focused on just the main plot, and characters. Thanks so much for pushing through all this with me, it's been a battle I know but I truly appreciate it!

Dear AGENT,


Chase Williams was destined to be in the Circle, a secret society of demon hunters – or so he thought. Failing to develop an elemental power at his coming-of-age ceremony, Chase was is exiled maybe? exiled by his father and forced to live among the demons, but surviving is more difficult than he imagined.

The demons of the Underworld want revenge on the Circle, and killing the son of a notorious hunter and fire elemental will satisfy that craving. When an attack could be more specific here, just a suggestion tho nearly claims Chase’s life, he’s saved by Rayna - a sexy half-demon with an attitude and a secret: she’s half hunter with an elemental power of her own.

Together they learn that? the Circle plans to unlock a portal to another dimension, but in their attempt to stop them, Rayna is captured. As Chase tries to save her, he discovers the Circle’s plan goes farther than opening the portal. They're going to sacrifice Rayna to summon the demon god Ithreal, and take his power for their own. When the hunters succeed in opening the portal, Chase has no choice but to follow and navigates the dark dimension to stop them. If he can’t he’ll lose Rayna and the world he was born to protect. was he born to protect it though? There is some question regarding his destiny I think


EXILED is a Young Adult Fantasy at 106,000 words. PERSONAL AGENT INFO. If you would like to see the full manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration

Sincerely,
Matthew R. Merrick
Good job. I think this is a vast improvement. Less is often more with queries and I think now you have the right amount of plot to keep us interested but not overwhelm us with a grocery list of events. My only question would be whether or not to include that Chase does manifest powers? But I think it flows well as is.

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