SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

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ceiser
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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by ceiser » May 15th, 2010, 6:46 pm

No worries, rainbowsheeps. Hmmm. Yeah, everyone knows that Jav is going to die if he doesn't win the competition. Mei is his first main threat, but over the course of 5 years he surpasses her. Jav's relationship with Mai is against the rules and Mei does out them in the end which has some nasty consequences, but it's all involved and not so cut and dry, connecting again with the teacher's feelings for Jav. Maybe I can focus on that somehow, about Mei as a threat inside and outside of the ring... Argh!

Thanks, though! I have very few people I can talk to about stuff like this and your continued feedback is really helping a lot.
rainbowsheeps wrote: Oh, oops.

I think the sentence that confused me there was, "her beautiful performance in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws'... I think I assumed that that was part of the competition, and her "turn" was somehow up before Jav's. I see my mistake there though.

I'm not sure mentioning the teacher will be a good idea for the query. I think, no matter what, your best bet at tying the loose ends together will have something to do with the Mei character. She seems the closest thing to an antagonist, and his biggest obstacle in the tournament, which makes her the biggest threat to Jav's life. If her sister, Mai, knows Jav's depends on the competition, might that increase tension between the sisters? Does Mei ever find out that Jav's life depends on winning? For instance, if she keeps trying to win even though Jav's life depends on it and it would break her sister's heart, that would make her more antagonistic, and possibly threatening, and might strengthen the hook at the end. That might not be true to your story, but it's something to think about maybe. Right now, she doesn't read as much of a significant threat, she just seems a little mean.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by Sleeping Beauty » May 21st, 2010, 3:04 am

I just wanted to add that I love this premise. I too tripped over the names 'Mai' and 'Mei' - the fact that they're twins won't help me keep them separate in my head. Hopefully the characters in the actual book at totally different people, otherwise I think I'd get frustrated.

I'm most curious about the girl in the coma. What exactly happened to her, if I may ask?

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by ceiser » May 21st, 2010, 10:35 am

First, thanks Sleeping Beauty. It's really nice to hear that someone (besides me, of course) thinks I might have something good here. As for Mai and Mei, they are very different and not twins, but half-sisters, two facts which hopefully lower your frustration level. (As for poor Lili, she got in the way of the Ritual Mask before it was sealed.)

Okay. A new direction. Let's see how this one goes. Any and all feedback, as always, is most welcome and appreciated! Quill and rainbowsheeps, I'm not ignoring your suggestions for the first paragraph, but am really trying to focus on the second one for the time being.

Newest Latest Version

Dear Agent,

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite soldiers, given immense power by the Emperor's gift of an Artifact. But his Artifact, the Ritual Mask, was never meant to last, and when it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition to be held in five years.

With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav trains in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws on Planet 1287. He practices long past dark every day, taking time only to carve stone flowers for Lili Farina, the girl he accidentally put into a coma on his first day there. Amid punishing training conditions and with the competition still ahead, Jav struggles for control, balancing his raw ability against the latent power of the Mask, which is always there, just outside the reach of his senses. If the seal is broken, he runs the risk of exhausting the Mask completely, but also of losing himself to its insatiable thirst for blood, and that he just can't have. Especially not when fellow student Mai Pardine has started to remind him of a lover he's never met.

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by Sleeping Beauty » May 21st, 2010, 11:16 am

ceiser wrote: Amid punishing training conditions and with the competition still ahead, Jav struggles for control, balancing his raw ability against the latent power of the Mask, which is always there, just outside the reach of his senses. If the seal is broken, he runs the risk of exhausting the Mask completely, but also of losing himself to its insatiable thirst for blood, and that he just can't have.
Now there's your hook! Congratulations!
Jav's got so much more personality now - tortured soldier, burdoned by his own immense talent, influenced by some crazy evil superpower...

I am now going to add that I would completely buy and read this book. ^__^

I will leave the nitty-gritty of taking your new query apart to the pros of this forum. :)

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Kirril
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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by Kirril » May 21st, 2010, 11:48 am

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite soldiers, given immense power by the Emperor's gift of an Artifact. But his Artifact, the Ritual Mask, was never meant to last, and when it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition to be held in five years.

With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav trains in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws on Planet 1287. He practices long past dark every day, taking time only to carve stone flowers for Lili Farina, the girl he accidentally put into a coma on his first day there. Amid punishing training conditions and with the competition still ahead, Jav struggles for control, balancing his raw ability against the latent power of the Mask, which is always there, just outside the reach of his senses. If the seal is broken, he runs the risk of exhausting the Mask completely, but also of losing himself to its insatiable thirst for blood, and that he just can't have. Especially not when fellow student Mai Pardine has started to remind him of a lover he's never met.

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I read through several other versions of your query, trying to get a feel for the MC but so far he feels a little 2D to me. This is the tough part of SF sometimes, escaping the technical stuff and digging into the heart of the MC.

I suggest you leave out most of the info about the ritual mask, etc. and boil it down to the essentials:
Jav Holson is a dead man unless he can win the artifact competition. But things get off to a rough start when he puts a girl into a coma his first day there.

From there, you have to put in his main obstacle. It sounds like he has an internal struggle with the power of the ritual mask wanting him to kill, kill, kill in addition to the usual external obstacles like the other fighters.

Go back to the 1 sentence that describes the entire novel, something like: Jav Holson is a dead man unless he can win a gladiator-style competition and claim a life-saving artifact as his own.

Flesh out the query from there.

Hope this helps!

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by lac582 » May 22nd, 2010, 12:43 pm

I don't think I have much to add that hasn't already been said. The latest query is definitely much stronger, so well done! My biggest continuing reservation is the fact that the competition is five years away. Within the novel you have time to build up tension so it's probably less of an issue, but within the *query* it just keeps reading to me as a big stakes let-down. Life and death stakes are effective because of their urgency -- here there's no urgency. So it may benefit your query to be nonspecific about the timeframe. Just 'upcoming competition' or 'scheduled competition' or something along those lines.

Hope that helps!

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 22nd, 2010, 3:34 pm

ceiser wrote:Any and all feedback, as always, is most welcome and appreciated! Quill and rainbowsheeps, I'm not ignoring your suggestions for the first paragraph, but am really trying to focus on the second one for the time being. (I'll focus on the second paragraph then, as well.)

Newest Latest Version

Dear Agent,

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite soldiers, given immense power by the Emperor's gift of an Artifact. But his Artifact, the Ritual Mask, was never meant to last, and when it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition to be held in five years.

With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav trains in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws on Planet 1287. (First, the easy one. You probably don't need the planet number. Unless you're adding it just to make this clear it's sci-fi. Now... the first clause is a little passive. "Jav seals the Ritual Mask away to conserve its power" might be the way to go. It might help to give the Eighteen Heavenly Claws a lowly improper noun to help clarify what it really is. School, technique, whatever.) He practices long past dark every day, taking time only to carve stone flowers for Lili Farina, the girl he accidentally put into a coma on his first day there. (The flow of this bothers me a little. I don't have an example to give, exactly, but "the girl he accidentally put into a coma on his first day there" seems like a bit much. It's odd, because it was more vague before, but I thought it was better in your last revision than this one. Basically, when I read this now, I'm wondering exactly what went wrong and how he put her into a coma. Before, it felt like a simple character statement, that he was taking responsibility for a mistake, or it was you showing us a sensitive side to the guy. Now, since you're getting into a more specific description, it feels like it isn't specific enough. If you get what I'm saying.) Amid punishing training conditions and with the competition still ahead, ("Punishing conditions" isn't descriptive enough here. If your novel is going to focus on this training, that needs to be a lot more specific and seem much more perilous. Otherwise, it reads like we might be reading about a very very long Rocky montage.) Jav struggles for control, balancing his raw ability against the latent power of the Mask, which is always there, just outside the reach of his senses. ("struggles for control" and "balancing his ability" seem bland. I'd prefer if you said something like, "Jav is always struggling against the latent power of the mask...") If the seal is broken, he runs the risk of exhausting the Mask completely, but also of and losing himself to its insatiable thirst for blood. and t That, he just can't have. Especially not when fellow student Mai Pardine, another student, has started to reminds him of a lover he's never met. (This hook is good. Much better ending than the previous versions! I'm making a comment below, though, about setting up the specific danger to him needing the mask. I think that's missing here. You have a few sentences now talking about his training, but no real villain (except Jav's inner demon, the thirst for blood from the mask). If you set up a villain, or a situation that might need Jav to wear the mask and risk losing control, you'll have a stronger climax and a bigger sense of stakes. And, probably, a stunner query.)

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Is the seal to the mask ever broken? You set up the consequences of what happens, but not the inciting event that could trigger it. Does he have to take the mask out again *in this book* at any point? There's no villain for him to defeat, and no situation where he might need it that's introduced. So the stakes right now aren't as strong as they should be. If Jav has to use the mask in an end fight with Mei (who isn't mentioned anymore, I know), for instance, that should be your end hook. It would have a lot of tension: he needs to defeat her (or whoever), but wearing it risks killing him (because the mask is losing power), and him killing others (from its bloodthirst). You're missing a key ingredient to this hook: an inciting incident... a life-threatening situation (which only the mask can prevent), a villain, or something to "make" those stakes.

If you have a situation in your story where the seal breaks, or he needs the mask, that should be your end hook for this query. If you don't have a situation like that in this book, I honestly, humbly suggest you seriously considering altering the climax of your story in some way to do this. It would feel more like a payoff.

Of course, that's just my take.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by lunerunit » May 22nd, 2010, 6:08 pm

I have to agree with Rainbow here. The climax to the story seems to be missing in every pitch. If this element is not present in the story, strongly consider re-working the ms to include a climax - a battle scene, the breaking point that we as readers wait for. I have recently been slaving over re-writing mine again, and though I've shaved off over 30,00 words, the flow just feels better. It may be worth the effort to go back and re-work things.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by ceiser » May 23rd, 2010, 3:49 am

Sigh. Let's try again. Thanks for the feedback, everyone! And rainbowsheeps, thanks for the consistent level of detail! I'm sorry I can't always offer the same. Anyway, I'm not sure if this is really better or not, but here goes!

Newest Version (05/23/2010)

Dear Agent,

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite, super-powered soldiers. But the Ritual Mask, the Artifact that makes him so powerful, was never meant to last, and when it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition open only to the top fighters of the Empire.

To prepare for the competition, Jav must train in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws, a deadly empty hand martial art. With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav practices long past dark every day, enduring heavy gravity training and the petty abuse of other students. His only distraction is carving stone flowers for Lili Farina, still in a coma because of him. But, when Mai Pardine takes over Jav's training, her beautiful performance of their style overwhelms him, and he feels for a moment like he's known her forever.

Threats at home and away, both inside and outside the ring, test the limits of the seal on the Ritual Mask. A chance encounter with a band of alien pirates reminds Jav what can happen if the seal breaks: besides potentially exhausting its power, Jav loses himself to the Mask's insatiable thirst for blood, turning everyone in range into a desiccated, leathery husk. The thought of this happening to those close to him--to Mai in particular--terrifies him and spurs him to train even harder. He's running out of time, though. He must gain control over the Mask and master the Eighteen Heavenly Claws in time for the competition still ahead.

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Last edited by ceiser on May 23rd, 2010, 6:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by lunerunit » May 23rd, 2010, 4:17 pm

Dear Agent,

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite, super-powered soldiers. But the Ritual Mask, the Artifact that makes him so powerful, was never meant to last, and when it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition open only to the top fighters of the Empire.Nice.

To prepare for the competition, Jav must train in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws, a deadly empty hand martial art. With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav practices long past dark every day, enduring heavy gravity training and the petty abuse of other students. His only distraction is carving stone flowers for Lili Farina, still in a coma because of him. But, when Mai Pardine takes over Jav's training, her beautiful performance of their styleI'm not all that martial arts savvy, but by "their style" what do you mean specifically? overwhelms him, and he feels for a moment like he's known her forever. Not even sure you need anything in here about Mai at all.

Threats at home and away, both inside and outside the ring, be more specific. what threats?test the limits of the seal on the Ritual Mask. A chance encounter with a band of alien pirates reminds Reminding him of what could happen is not urgent enough. I want to know what happens to Jav, not what might happen.Jav what can happen if the seal breaks: besides potentially exhausting its power, Jav could lose himself to the Mask's insatiable thirst for blood, turning everyone in range into a desiccated, leathery husk. The thought of this happening to those close to him--to Mai in particular--terrifies him and spurs him to train even harder. He's running out of time, though. Consider adding something like: To have any chance at keeping the Artifact and his life,He must gain control over the Mask and master the Eighteen Heavenly Claws in time for the competition still ahead.These last two lines seem most urgent, which is definately an improvement. But you're still missing an inciting incident.

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Just a thought: Jave seems like he's all about power. He's one of the Emperor's elite soldiers and has a mask of power. I find it difficult that he would care about those around him. What makes him care? Why should he?

This is much better, though. You're getting closer.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by ceiser » May 23rd, 2010, 6:03 pm

Thanks, lunerunit. Here is a version with a few points of clarification and the missing "the". As for why anyone should care about anything, I don't really have an answer for you, except that we do and Jav does. Not trying to be snippy, but not sure how to really address that. But, I have clarified the question about style (as far as I'm able here, I think) and about the inciting incident, which DID result in the seal breaking.

Newest Version (05/24/2010)

Dear Agent,

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite, super-powered soldiers. But the Ritual Mask, the Artifact that makes him so powerful, was never meant to last, and when it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition open only to the top fighters of the Empire.

To prepare for the competition, Jav must train in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws, a deadly empty hand martial art. With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav practices long past dark every day, enduring heavy gravity training and the petty abuse of other students. His only distraction is carving stone flowers for Lili Farina, still in a coma because of him. But, when Mai Pardine takes over Jav's training, her beautiful performance of the Eighteen Heavenly Claws overwhelms him, and he feels for a moment like he's known her forever.

Threats at home and away, both inside and outside the ring, test the limits of the seal on the Ritual Mask. During a chance encounter with a band of alien pirates, the seal is broken, reminding Jav of the consequences: besides potentially exhausting its power, Jav loses himself to the Mask's insatiable thirst for blood, turning every one in range into a desiccated, leathery husk. The thought of this happening to those close to him--to Mai in particular--terrifies him and spurs him to train even harder. He's running out of time, though. He must gain control over the Mask and master the Eighteen Heavenly Claws in time for the competition still ahead.

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Last edited by ceiser on May 26th, 2010, 8:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 23rd, 2010, 7:57 pm

ceiser wrote:Thanks, lunerunit. Here is a version with a few points of clarification and the missing "the". As for why anyone should care about anything, I don't really have an answer for you, except that we do and Jav does. Not trying to be snippy, but not sure how to really address that. But, I have clarified the question about style (as far as I'm able here, I think) and about the inciting incident, which DID result in the seal breaking.

Newest Version (05/24/2010)


Dear Agent,

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite, super-powered soldiers. But the Ritual Mask, the Artifact that makes him so powerful, was never meant to last. and When it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition open only to the top fighters of the Empire. (This is an improvement.)

To prepare for the competition, Jav must train in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws, a deadly empty hand martial art. With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav practices long past dark every day, enduring heavy gravity training and the petty abuse of other students. His only distraction is carving stone flowers for Lili Farina, still in a coma because of him by his hand. (I liked the way you worded it that first time, because it works on at least two levels. It's his fault, but it's also literally by his hand). But, when Mai Pardine takes over Jav's training, her beautiful performance of the Eighteen Heavenly Claws overwhelms him, and he feels for a moment like he's known her forever. (I still like this. It gives me an odd sense of what this martial art is like, and it feels very... natural when you say it like this.)

Threats at home and away, both inside and outside the ring, test the limits of the seal on the Ritual Mask. (That part needed to go, because it's pacifying what should be active. You don't need to explicitly tell us what you're setting up. Just show it.) During a chance encounter with a band of alien pirates, the seal is broken, reminding Jav of the consequences: besides potentially exhausting its power, Jav loses himself to the Mask's insatiable thirst for blood, turning every one in range into a desiccated, leathery husk. The thought of this happening to those close to him--to Mai in particular--terrifies him and spurs him to train even harder. He's running out of time, though. He must gain control over the Mask and master the Eighteen Heavenly Claws in time for the competition still ahead. (This is pretty good. This is very close, but I'm gong to take a stab at an example to fix up this paragraph, so maybe I can show you what I want to say better than I can explain it:

During a chance encounter with a band of alien pirates, Jav is beaten and bloodied (or whatever) and the seal is broken. Jav loses himself to the Mask's insatiable thirst for blood, and his power spirals out of control. A little more of his life force is depleted, and everyone in range is burned into desiccated, leathery husks. The thought of this happening to those close to him -- especially Mai -- terrifies him, so he trains even harder. He's running out of time, though. He must gain control over the Mask, and master the Eighteen Heavenly Claws, or his life, and the lives of those he loves most, could be over.

^ That cuts out some of the unnecessary information you have, particularly the first sentence, but also attempts to make it more active. The ending there, though, would probably need to be intertwined together a little better. You have two separate stakes: his life in danger, and the possibility of losing control to the mask and killing everyone around him. Saying their lives could be over probably isn't the best way to set those stakes, but it's just an example.

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
It's getting close. The first two paragraphs have definitely improved a lot, too. Good job.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by lunerunit » May 24th, 2010, 8:21 pm

This version definately clarifies what happens. I thought, from the previous version, that Jav was worried that he might turn people into leathery husks, not that he did. With Rainbowsheeps suggestions, I think you are very close. Nicely done.

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by ceiser » May 26th, 2010, 8:18 am

Thanks again to both rainbowsheeps and lunerunit! I really appreciate you and everyone else sticking this out with me!

How's this:

Newest Version (05/26/2010)

Dear Agent,

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite, super-powered soldiers. But the Ritual Mask, the Artifact that makes him so powerful, was never meant to last. When it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition open only to the top fighters of the Empire.

To prepare for the competition, Jav must train in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws, a deadly empty hand martial art. With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav practices long past dark every day, enduring heavy gravity training and the petty abuse of other students. His only distraction is carving stone flowers for Lili Farina, still in a coma by his hand. But, when Mai Pardine takes over Jav's training, her beautiful performance of the Eighteen Heavenly Claws overwhelms him, and he feels for a moment like he's known her forever.

In an unexpected altercation with a band of alien pirates, Jav is shot through the back, with bits of his chest blown out before him. This breaks the seal on the Ritual Mask, and he loses himself to mindless fury as the Mask heals him by wrenching every drop of blood from every last pirate, leaving them desiccated, leathery husks. After recovering, the thought of this happening to those close to him--especially Mai--terrifies him so he trains even harder. He's running out of time, though. With the competition still ahead, he must gain control over the Mask and master the Eighteen Heavenly Claws or risk losing more than just his own life.

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

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Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Post by julieack » May 26th, 2010, 3:46 pm

I did not read all the previous versions, but here's my perspective, for what it's worth (a fresh eye if nothing else.) I'm just working on my first query letter now, so I'm no expert.

Dear Agent,

Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite, super-powered soldiers. But the Ritual Mask, the Artifact that makes him so powerful, was never meant to last. When it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition open only to the top fighters of the Empire. Great setup of the conflict. I'm worried about Jav already. Does he have any idea when it might fail? If not, I might include that information.

To prepare for the competition, Jav must train in the Eighteen Heavenly Claws, a deadly empty hand does this mean without weapons or something else? martial art. With the Ritual Mask sealed away to conserve its power, Jav practices long past dark every day, enduring heavy gravity training and the petty abuse of other students. His only distraction is carving stone flowers for Lili Farina, still in a coma by his hand. Woah. Was this a love interest? I'm interested in knowing more about this, even just a word or two. But, when Mai Pardine takes over Jav's training, her beautiful performance of the Eighteen Heavenly Claws overwhelms him, and he feels for a moment like he's known her forever. This makes me want to know even more about Lili, so I know if he's conflicted between two love interests or if it's something else.

In an unexpected altercation with a band of alien pirates, Jav is shot through the back, with bits of his chest blown out before him. This breaks the seal on the Ritual Mask, and he loses himself to mindless fury as the Mask heals him by wrenching every drop of blood from every last pirate, leaving them desiccated, leathery husks. I don't understand how this happens. The mask takes over his body? Maybe a little more explanation of the mask and what it can do? After recovering, the thought of this happening to those close to him--especially Mai--terrifies him so he trains even harder. He's running out of time, though. With the competition still ahead, he must gain control over the Mask and master the Eighteen Heavenly Claws or risk losing more than just his own life.

THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION is a work of science fiction, complete at 76,000 words. I chose to submit to you because blah blah blah. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,[/quote]


Overall, I think you have a very strong query. With a few more clarifications, I think it could be ready to go. Good luck!

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