YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

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shadow
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YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by shadow » April 28th, 2010, 8:48 pm

Thanks so much for all you awesome advice on here guys! you ROCK big time! lol. Anyways I have wroked A TON on my query, got great critiques from many editors and here is my semi shiny query which will be sparkling brilliantly once you shred it. (I hope :) Here goes. Be as honest as ever because I got 3 rejections on my earlier queries and I don't want more (sigh) I probably have to brace myself but either way....on to the query...

Dear Agent,

Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cruel beings that posses extraordinary intellectual and physical abilities, and strive for power and control over the human race. Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace after human victims he rescued are murdered before his eyes. His search is halted when he learns of his human mother, and the fact that he is not of pure Lassertian blood could cost him his ambitions, his life and the hopes of his dying nation.

Being the top warrior isn’t going to help Vitiosus when he falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, putting not only himself but her life in danger. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya’s purity and innocence and take her hostage. If Vitiosus doesn’t turn himself in to their leader Tiya will be long gone. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he meets with his long time adversary and nemesis, Gabriel, who is on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his queen dead or alive. During battle, Gabriel notices a mark that only his mother knows of on Vitiosus and risks his life for him, taking an incoming enemy arrow and saving Vitiosus. Realizing that they are long lost half-brothers they have no choice but to unite and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom, yet Vitiosus’ real enemies lurk right in his castle chambers, ready to turn on him when the time is ripe.

OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 89,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, Science Fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

Sincerely,
SHADOW
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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ceiser
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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by ceiser » April 28th, 2010, 10:20 pm

Still very green at this, and just my impressions so please take them with a grain of salt. I know putting a query together is a very frustrating business. I think you've got a solid idea here, but I had some trouble with some of the phrasing.

Your first sentence seems rather long and a little awkward. Is your main character's name pronounced vi-chou-sus or vi-chi-o-sus? That's something else that was a little difficult. Maybe something like this to improve the flow?
shadow wrote: His search is halted when he learns of his human mother, and the fact that he is not of pure Lassertian that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life and the hopes of his dying nation.
This next whole paragraph reads awkwardly to me. I'm a sucker for long sentences myself, but there seems to be an over abundance of them here. Cutting out some of double phrases like "purity and innocence", "adversary and nemesis", "unite and create" might help smooth things out. I think you need some commas, too, to clarify.
shadow wrote:Being the top warrior isn’t going to help Vitiosus when he falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, putting not only himself but her life in danger. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya’s purity and innocence and take her hostage. If Vitiosus doesn’t turn himself in to their leader, Tiya will be long gone. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he meets with his long time adversary and nemesis, Gabriel, who is on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his queen, dead or alive. During battle, Gabriel notices a mark that only his mother knows of on Vitiosus and risks his life for him, taking an incoming enemy arrow and saving Vitiosus. Realizing that they are long lost half-brothers they have no choice but to unite and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom, yet Vitiosus’ real enemies lurk right in his castle chambers, ready to turn on him when the time is ripe.
Does Vitiosus only love Tiya's purity and innocence? I realize that Vitiosus isn't going to become the kidnappers' leader, but it is a bit confusing. Is Tiya going to be killed or are her kidnappers simply relocating? From "During battle.." on, I think it can be really tightened up the (birth?)mark thing is really unclear, though you end up stating clearly what it means, the sentence doesn't really make sense. Ending on a cliche doesn't seem like such a good idea.

I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh.

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by Emily J » April 28th, 2010, 11:43 pm

shadow wrote:Thanks so much for all you awesome advice on here guys! you ROCK big time! lol. Anyways I have wroked A TON on my query, got great critiques from many editors and here is my semi shiny query which will be sparkling brilliantly once you shred it. (I hope :) Here goes. Be as honest as ever because I got 3 rejections on my earlier queries and I don't want more (sigh) I probably have to brace myself but either way....on to the query...

Dear Agent,

Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, still have a problem with this, the Lasserta is a nation? drop "the" a nation of cruel beings that posses spelling error here extraordinary intellectual and physical abilities, and strive for power and control over the human race. Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace after human victims victims of what exactly? he rescued are murdered before his eyes. His search is halted wait what? what search? his search for peace? or for something more tangible, you lost me here when he learns of his human mother, and the fact that he is not of pure Lassertian blood this comes across as redundant since we just learned his mother is human could cost him his ambitions, what ambitions? his life serial comma here and the hopes of his dying nation. his nation is dying?

Being the top warrior "top warrior" sounds awkward isn’t going to help Vitiosus when he falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, putting not only himself but her life in danger. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya’s purity and innocence the purity and innocence seem sort of moot and take her hostage. If Vitiosus doesn’t turn himself in to their leader Tiya will be long gone. long gone? you mean dead? she's already gone Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he meets with his long time adversary and nemesis, adversary AND nemesis, redundant! Gabriel, who is on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his queen dead or alive. During battle, so I guess they are fighting Gabriel notices a mark that only his mother knows of on Vitiosus and risks his life for him, awkward taking an incoming enemy arrow and saving Vitiosus. Realizing that they are long lost half-brothers they have no choice but to unite and create a connection between a bit wordy here their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom, yet Vitiosus’ real enemies lurk right in his castle chambers, ready to turn on him when the time is ripe. run on sentence here

OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 89,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, you capitalized fantasy before, but not now Science Fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

Sincerely,
SHADOW

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by shadow » April 29th, 2010, 11:53 am

DOWN DOWN TO THE BOTTOM!!!

Thanks guys for your feedback. Ceiser: His name is pronounced Vi-ti-o-sus. I don't think its difficult at all and I love it personally (lol I love weird names) but I am considering changes...Still unsure though. So here is my query, improved with your advice and please do tell me if it sucks cause I have been working on this since last september and I have a feeling I will never get it right. :(


Dear Agent,

Vitiosus is prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cruel beings that possess extraordinary intellectual and physical abilities, and strive for power and control over the human race. Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace after human victims he rescued from torture are murdered before his eyes. His search for peace is halted when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his suffering nation.

Being the prince isn’t going to help Vitiosus when he falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, putting not only himself but her life in danger. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take her hostage. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, who is on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his queen dead or alive. During battle, Gabriel notices the missing half of his own pendant on Vitiosus and risks his life for him, taking an incoming enemy arrow and saving Vitiosus. Realizing that they are long lost half-brothers they have no choice but to unite and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom, yet Vitiosus’ real enemy is a fellow warrior that has been helping him all along, sent to kill him by his father for he already knows far too much.

OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 89,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with Fantasy, Science Fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

Sincerely,
SHADOW
Last edited by shadow on April 30th, 2010, 11:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by lunerunit » April 29th, 2010, 7:33 pm

This is a real improvement! I really understand the plot much better. I am new at this as well and my only critique is with the last sentence of the pitch.
Dear Agent,

Vitiosus is prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cruel beings that possess extraordinary intellectual and physical abilities, and strive for power and control over the human race. Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace after human victims he rescued from torture are murdered before his eyes. His search for peace is halted when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his suffering nation.

Being the prince isn’t going to help Vitiosus when he falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, putting not only himself but her life in danger. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take her hostage. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, who is on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his queen dead or alive. During battle, Gabriel notices the missing half of his own pendant on Vitiosus and risks his life for him, taking an incoming enemy arrow and saving Vitiosus. Realizing that they are long lost half-brothers, they have no choice but to unite and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom. Yet Vitiosus’ real enemy is a fellow warrior that has been helping him all along, sent to kill him by his father. Vitiosus’already knows far too much. Just a suggestion to correct the run on sentence. Other than that, I think its pretty solid.

OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 89,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with Fantasy, Science Fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

Sincerely,
SHADOW

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by shadow » April 29th, 2010, 9:22 pm

lunerunit wrote:This is a real improvement! I really understand the plot much better. I am new at this as well and my only critique is with the last sentence of the pitch.
Dear Agent,

Vitiosus is prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cruel beings that possess extraordinary intellectual and physical abilities, and strive for power and control over the human race. Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace after human victims he rescued from torture are murdered before his eyes. His search for peace is halted when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his suffering nation.

Being the prince isn’t going to help Vitiosus when he falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, putting not only himself but her life in danger. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take her hostage. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, who is on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his queen dead or alive. During battle, Gabriel notices the missing half of his own pendant on Vitiosus and risks his life for him, taking an incoming enemy arrow and saving Vitiosus. Realizing that they are long lost half-brothers, they have no choice but to unite and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom. Yet Vitiosus’ real enemy is a fellow warrior that has been helping him all along, sent to kill him by his father. Vitiosus’already knows far too much. Just a suggestion to correct the run on sentence. Other than that, I think its pretty solid.

OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 89,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with Fantasy, Science Fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

Sincerely,
SHADOW

Thanks Lunerunit! I will take your suggestions for sure. Anyone else want to take a stab?
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by GeeGee55 » April 29th, 2010, 11:04 pm

Hi, Shadow:

I've seen this before and it's much clearer now. I think perhaps it suffers a bit with too much info - could be more concise and flow better
:
shadow wrote:

Dear Agent,

Vitiosus is prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cruel beings that possess extraordinary intellectual and physical abilities. Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a warrior feared by all. Yet, he finds himself longing for peace. He secretly rescues humans from the torture being inflicted upon them by his father's army, only to see them murdered. Then he learns his mother is human.

How does he meet the girl? How does she get into the story? He falls in love with a human girl, Tiya. A group of Lassertian rebels take her hostage. Vitiosus feels he has no choice except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he is ambushed by his long time adversary, Gabriel. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother. Now he must decide... and wrap it up with what his choices are... and what are the consequences if he doesn't succeed.R
ealizing that they are long lost half-brothers they have no choice of course they have a choice, they can choose to keep on hating each other but to unite and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom, yet Vitiosus’ real enemy is a fellow warrior that has been helping him all along, sent to kill him by his father for he already knows far too much.

OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 89,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with Fantasy, Science Fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

Sincerely,
SHADOW
Hope this helps Shadow. Good luck with it.

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by shadow » April 30th, 2010, 7:18 am

"DOWN FOR THE NEWEST QUERY"GeeGee55: Thanks sooo much for your help. I can really see how you shortened the sentences which I couldn't get myself to and I now that I read it It really does flow better. Here is the revised version. I am too persistant but I will keep trying :) Thanks guys!

Dear Agent,

Dear Agent,

Vitiosus is prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cruel beings that possess extraordinary intellectual and physical abilities, and strive for power and control over the human race. Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all. He secretly rescues humans from torture being inflicted upon them by his father’s army, only to see them murdered. His search for peace is halted when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his suffering nation.

Being the prince isn’t going to help Vitiosus when he falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, who was imprisoned. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take her hostage. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, who is on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his queen dead or alive. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother. Now he must decide… to trust Gabriel and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom, or to trust his own kind, that has been helping him all along. Battling for the rights of his people and humans, Vitiosus finds himself venturing a journey that leads him to discover the truth about himself, his people and his kingdom. He only has to keep his life, despite the fact that skulls appear everywhere he goes warning him of the worst, his death.

OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 89,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with Fantasy, Science Fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

Sincerely,
SHADOW
Last edited by shadow on April 30th, 2010, 11:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by shadow » April 30th, 2010, 11:18 pm

Scratch Scratch. I worked out an even better revision. Is it any better in your guys' eyes?

Dear Agent,

Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark Lassertian warrior feared by all. He secretly rescues humans from torture being inflicted upon them by his father’s army, only to see them murdered. His search for peace halts when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his nation.

Being the prince won’t help Vitiosus when he falls in love with Tiya, an imprisoned human girl. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take her hostage. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but on his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, a warrior on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his queen dead or alive. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother. Now he must decide… to trust Gabriel and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom, or to trust his own kind, that has been helping him all along. Battling for the rights of his people and humans, Vitiosus finds himself venturing a journey that leads him to discover the truth about himself, his people and his kingdom. He only has to keep his life, despite the fact that skulls appear everywhere he goes, warning him of the worst, his death.

OVERCAST SHADOW’S is a fast paced 89,000 word YA fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, science fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

(My Info)
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by ceiser » May 1st, 2010, 12:24 am

Hi, Shadow. This is better, but there are still some rough spots, I think. Here's my take.
shadow wrote:Scratch Scratch. I worked out an even better revision. Is it any better in your guys' eyes?

Dear Agent,

Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark Lassertian warrior (you might want to refer to him as the prince here rather than wait until the second paragraph) feared by all. He secretly sympathizes with humans, though, and rescues humans a group of them from torture being tortured inflicted upon them by his father’s army, only to see them murdered. His search for peace halts (I think, like me, you may be responding to feedback encouraging a more active voice, but you're making the search the subject, when Vitiosus might be a better choice or (god forbid!) stick with passive voice) when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his nation (does his nation really hope for peace?).

Being the prince won’t help Vitiosus when he falls in love with Tiya, an imprisoned human girl. A group of rebels who threaten to attack the Lassertian kingdom see Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take her hostage (this sentence is a bit awkward). Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels, but. On his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, a warrior on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to his the human queen dead or alive. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother. Now he must decide… to unite with trust Gabriel and create a connection between their warring people to save Tiya and the kingdom (how will saving Tiya save his kingdom or is this the human kingdom we're talking about?), or to continue to (?) trust his own kind, that has been helping him all along. Battling for the rights of his own people and humans alike, Vitiosusfinds himself venturing a journey that leads him begins to discover the truth about himself, his people and his kingdom. He only has to keep his life (keep his life is awkward), despite the fact that skulls appear everywhere he goes, warning him ofthe worst, his death. (what does this mean? bad omens? actual skulls?)

OVERCAST SHADOW’S is a fast paced 89,000 word YA fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, science fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

(My Info)
Shadow, thanks for all your feedback and support. We'll both get it yet!

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by shadow » May 2nd, 2010, 3:21 pm

Ceisar! Thanks for all your help :) I left a comment on you're newest query as well. You're getting there :D Anyways guys, here is my newest attempt. I hope this will be better and I hope I am slowly (Too damn slowly but at least at all) getting there.

Dear Agent,

Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is the Lassertian price feared by all. He secretly sympathizes with humans, though, and rescues a group of them from being tortured by his father’s army, only to see them murdered. Vitiosus’ attempts at peace cease when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his nation controlled by the tyrant rulers.

Being the prince won’t help Vitiosus when he falls in love with Tiya, an imprisoned human girl. A group of rebels who plot against the kingdom use Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take her hostage to lure him in. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels. On his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, a warrior on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to the human queen dead or alive. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother. Now he must decide… to unite with Gabriel and his men to save Tiya and the kingdom from the growing rebellion, or to continue to trust his own kind. Battling for the rights of his own people and humans alike, Vitiosus begins to discover the truth about himself, his people and his kingdom. But Vitiosus, Gabriel and Tiya are captured by Lassertian warriors before they can get away and Vitiosus is to be executed in the public square for opposing his own kind, when the Lassertian people stand up against the government in a brutal uprising to save their future king.

OVERCAST SHADOW’S is a fast paced 89,000 word YA fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, science fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by lunerunit » May 2nd, 2010, 9:41 pm

Dear Agent,

Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is the Lassertian price feared by all. He secretly sympathizes with humans, Is there a reason why he sympathizes with humans?though, and rescues a group of them from being tortured by his father’s army, only to see them murdered. Vitiosus’ attempts at peace cease What are his attempts at peace? Rescuing humans? I wasn't sure.when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his nation controlled by the tyrant rulers.

Being the prince won’t help Vitiosus when he falls in love with Tiya, an imprisoned human girl. A group of rebels who plot against the kingdom use Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take her hostage to lure him in. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels. On his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, a warrior on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to the human queen, dead or alive. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother, and Now he must decide… to unite with Gabriel and his men to save Tiya and the kingdom from the growing rebellion, or to continue to trust his own kind. Battling for the rights of his own people and humans alike,Vitiosus begins to discover the truth about himself, his people ,and his kingdom. (What specifically does he discover?) Vitiosus unites with Gabriel and his men to save Tiya and his kingdom. But when theyare captured by Lassertian warriors and before they can get away andVitiosus is to be executed in the public square for opposing his own kind, when the Lassertian people stand up against the government in a brutal uprising to save their future king.

OVERCAST SHADOW’S is a fast paced 89,000 word YA fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, science fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.Nice and to the point here, but not bland like you copied an example.
Don't know if that is much help to clean up the wordiness at the end, but I think if you can condense some of this and simplify it will help. Cool story.

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by Mel » May 3rd, 2010, 1:17 pm

shadow wrote:Ceisar! Thanks for all your help :) I left a comment on you're newest query as well. You're getting there :D Anyways guys, here is my newest attempt. I hope this will be better and I hope I am slowly (Too damn slowly but at least at all) getting there.

Shadow, I've read some of the older posts and this is much better.

Dear Agent,

Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is the Lassertian pricetypo feared by all. He secretly sympathizes with humans, though, and rescues a group of them from being tortured by his father’s army, only to see them murdered. Vitiosus’ attempts at peace cease when he learns of his human mother, . His impure blood...and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, his life, and the hopes of his nation controlled by the tyrant rulers.

Being the prince won’t help Vitiosus when he falls in love with Tiya, an imprisoned human girl. A group of rebels who plot against the kingdom use Vitiosus’ love for Tiya and take herTiya hostage to lure him in. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels. On his way he meets with his long time adversary, Gabriel, a warrior on a mission to bring the Lassertian Prince to the human queen dead or alive. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother. Now he must decide… to--unite with Gabriel and his men to save Tiya and the kingdom from the growing rebellion,or to continue to trust his own kind. Battling for the rights of his own people and humans alike, Vitiosus begins to discoversince you use discover above, I would replace one of them. the truth about himself, his people and his kingdom. But Vitiosus, Gabriel and Tiya are captured by Lassertian warriors before they can get away and Vitiosus is to be executed in the public square for opposing his own kind, when the Lassertian people stand up against the government in a brutal uprising to save their future king.

OVERCAST SHADOW’S is a fast paced 89,000 word YA fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, science fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by shadow » May 3rd, 2010, 6:52 pm

Thanks lunerunit and Mel! You guys give great advice, but jeeze this thing is driving me crazy! That doesn't mean you guys should take it easy on me lol. Can't wait for more critique and please be as harsh as you can, because I love this book :D.

Agent,

Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is the Lassertian prince feared by all. Yet he secretly sympathizes with humans, and rescues a girl that he is ordered to kill, only to see her murdered and him brutally punished for dishonouring his nation. Vitiosus’ attempts at rebelling his tyrant father’s ruling cease when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, and his life.

Being the prince won’t help Vitiosus when he falls in love with Tiya, an imprisoned human girl. A group of rebels take Tiya hostage to lure him in and form a war between the Lassertas and the humans. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels. On his way he meets his long time adversary, Gabriel, a warrior on a mission to bring Vitiosus to the human queen dead or alive. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother. He must decide---unite with Gabriel and his men to save Tiya and the kingdom from the growing rebellion, or to continue to trust his own kind. But Vitiosus, Gabriel and Tiya are soon captured by Lassertian warriors and Vitiosus is to be executed in the public square for opposing his own kind, when the Lassertian people stand up against the government in a brutal uprising to save their future king.

OVERCAST SHADOW’S is a fast paced 89,000 word YA fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, science fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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ceiser
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Re: YA Fantasy Query - I wish this will be the last!

Post by ceiser » May 3rd, 2010, 8:54 pm

Hi, Shadow! You've been making great progress (and I can totally sympathize with your frustration right now!). I think it's definitely coming together. Here's my take:
shadow wrote:Thanks lunerunit and Mel! You guys give great advice, but jeeze this thing is driving me crazy! That doesn't mean you guys should take it easy on me lol. Can't wait for more critique and please be as harsh as you can, because I love this book :D.

Agent,

Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is the Lassertian prince feared by all. Yet he secretly sympathizes with humans, and rescues a girl that he is ordered to kill, only to see her murdered. the rest of this paragraph is confusing - he already wants to rebel, so why would learning that he's half human stop him? is his sympathy for humans a guilty pleasure which he hopes to be over some day? and him brutally punished for dishonouring his nation. Vitiosus’ attempts at rebelling his tyrant father’s ruling cease when he learns of his human mother, and that his impure blood could cost him his ambitions, and his life.

Being the prince won’t help Vitiosus when he falls in love with Tiya, an imprisoned human girl. A group of rebels take Tiya hostage to lure him in and form start? a war between the Lassertas and the humans. Now Vitiosus has no way out except to surrender to the rebels. On his way he meets his long time adversary, Gabriel, a warrior on a mission to bring Vitiosus to the human queen dead or alive. During the ensuing battle, he discovers that Gabriel is his human brother. He must decide---unite with Gabriel and his men use of the verb "unite" I think indicates that it may be more than just the two of them to save Tiya and the kingdom from the growing rebellion, or to continue to trust his own kind. But Vitiosus, Gabriel and Tiya are soon captured by Lassertian warriors and Vitiosus is to be executed in the public square for opposing his own kind father? you just used "own kind" in the previous sentence, when the Lassertian people stand up against the government in a brutal uprising to save their future king why would they do this? is there a Lassertian rebellion as well? did I miss this somehow?.

OVERCAST SHADOW’S is a fast paced 89,000 word YA fantasy novel. I believe you’d be a great fit to represent my book because you work with fantasy, science fiction and YA and enjoy an action packed and intriguing narrative. Thank you for your consideration and time.

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