Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Regan Leigh wrote:Dear Mr. Awesome Agent,

Sometimes the dead haunt the living, and sometimes, the living hurt the dead. For a wandering spirit named Mallory Richards, every day hurts. (The first two sentences are awkward. At first I thought that there may be a necromancer or ghost buster type person that was hurting her but since you mean emotionally maybe you can rephrase.) She can't remember how she died, and the memories of how she lived are fading fast.

Her spirit Sheis pulled to a stranger's home, where she moves car keys when he isn't looking, slams drawers, and knocks over magazines. Evan, a sensitive loner with amazing dimples--just the sort of man she could fall in love with--disregards it all.

Mallory tries to keep from interfering in his life too much, but she still sneaks in the occasional butt slap. She has to be careful because her energy can knock him flat on the ground, but that’s not always a bad thing -- it might be her only chance of getting noticed.

Mallory knows there is definitely life after death, but whether or not there is love after death will require a bit more work. Acting like a sulky poltergeist isn't cutting it. She hopes she doesn't scare him to death. Then again, maybe she does.

MALLORY’S STORY is a 90,000 word adult paranormal novel. (Is this a paranormal romance? It sounds like one.) I have a M@ster of A*ts in Pr*fessional C@unseling and my experience as a ther@pist has aided me in the writing of this character-driven story. The first few pages are below for your consideration and the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Regan Leigh
http://www.reganleigh.com

Regan Leigh wrote:
Dear Mr. Awesome Agent,

Sometimes the dead haunt the living, and sometimes, the living hurt the dead. *delete: For a wandering spirit named Mallory Richards, every day hurts.* She can't remember how she died, and the memories of how she lived are fading fast. *Does this matter in terms of plot? Does her being drawn/pulled to Evan's house have anything to do with her life? If not, remove this sentence.*

Her spirit is pulled to a stranger's home, where she moves car keys when he isn't looking, slams drawers, and knocks over magazines. Evan, a sensitive loner with amazing dimples--just the sort of man she could fall in love with--disregards it all. *Why is she doing these things? Later you mention it's to get noticed, but there's no urgency to it, no desperation.*

Mallory tries to keep from interfering in his life too much, but she still sneaks in the occasional butt slap. She has to be careful because her energy can knock him flat on the ground, but that’s not always a bad thing -- it might be her only chance of getting noticed. *Is this necessary for the query - the distillation of plot (what happens), character (why this character is compelling and different) and voice?*

Mallory knows there is definitely life after death, but whether or not there is love after death will require a bit more work. Acting like a sulky poltergeist isn't cutting it. She hopes she doesn't scare him to death. Then again, maybe she does.

MALLORY’S STORY is a 90,000 word adult paranormal novel. I have a M@ster of A*ts in Pr*fessional C@unseling and my experience as a ther@pist has aided me in the writing of this character-driven story. The first few pages are below for your consideration and the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Regan Leigh
http://www.reganleigh.com

Regan Leigh wrote:Sometimes the dead haunt the living, and sometimes, the living hurt the dead. For a wandering spirit named Mallory Richards, every day hurts. The way it's placed so early, the pain sounds like it happens before she meets Evan, so I want to know who or what is hurting her. Does she go to Evan to escape that pain? Does the person hurting her know?She can't remember how she died, and the memories of how she lived are fading fast.Very nice.

Her spirit is pulled to a stranger's home, where she moves car keys when he isn't looking, slams drawers, and knocks over magazines. Evan, a sensitive loner with amazing dimples--just the sort of man she could fall in love with--disregards it all.

Mallory tries to keep from interfering in his life too much, but she still sneaks in the occasional butt slap. She has to be careful because her energy can knock him flat on the ground, but that’s not always a bad thing -- it might be her only chance of getting noticed.

Mallory knows there is definitely life after death, but whether or not there is love after death will require a bit more work. Acting like a sulky poltergeist isn't cutting it. She hopes she doesn't scare him to death. Then again, maybe she does.

MALLORY’S STORY is a 90,000 word adult paranormal novel. Is paranormal indicative of paranormal romance or contemporary fantasy?I have a M@ster of A*ts in Pr*fessional C@unseling and my experience as a ther@pist has aided me in the writing of this character-driven story. This part isn't really necessary.The first few pages are below for your consideration and the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Regan Leigh wrote: Dear Mr. Awesome Agent,

Sometimes the dead haunt the living, and sometimes, the living hurt the dead. For a wandering spirit named Mallory Richards, every day hurts. Physically or emotionally? She can't remember how she died, and the memories of how she lived are fading fast.

Her spirit is pulled to a stranger's home, where she moves car keys when he isn't looking, slams drawers, and knocks over magazines. Evan, a sensitive loner with amazing dimples--just the sort of man she could fall in love with--disregards it all. You should explicitly state that she knocks over stuff because she's in love with him and wants to get his attention. It reads strangely here, where you say she is moving his stuff without giving a reason.

Mallory tries to keep from interfering in his life too much, but she still sneaks in the occasional butt slap. She has to be careful because her energy can knock him flat on the ground, but that’s not always a bad thing -- it might be her only chance of getting noticed.

Mallory knows there is definitely life after death, but whether or not there is love after death will require a bit more work. Acting like a sulky poltergeist isn't cutting it. She hopes she doesn't scare him to death. Then again, maybe she does. Funny!

MALLORY’S STORY is a 90,000 word adult paranormal novel. I have a M@ster of A*ts in Pr*fessional C@unseling and my experience as a ther@pist (formatting problems?) has aided me in the writing of this character-driven story. The first few pages are below for your consideration and the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Regan Leigh
http://www.reganleigh.com

Krista G. wrote:...Good luck with this. It does sound like a cute story.

ceiser wrote:...This sounds like a really intriguing idea, but I'd have to agree with some of the other posters. I kept waiting for something to come to head as the query went on, but it just sort of petered out. That's fixable though.

wilderness wrote:...I agree with Krista about the escalating tension. I'd like to have a greater sense of urgency and conflict without losing the cute, funny tone. Haha, OK I know that's tough to do. Good luck!

Regan Leigh wrote: Dear Mr. Awesome Agent,

Sometimes the dead haunt the living, and sometimes, the living hurt the dead. Yeah, my first instinct is that this is physical hurt and you have to change my mind. That's probably not a good way to start. For a wandering spirit named Mallory Richards, every day hurts. She can't remember how she died, and the memories of how she lived are fading fast.

Her spirit is pulled to a stranger's home, where she moves car keys when he isn't looking, slams drawers, and knocks over magazines. Why is it pulled into a home at all? Evan, a sensitive loner with amazing dimples--just the sort of man she could fall in love with--disregards it all. I think the dimples should be secondary. She's a woman that died and is forgetting her life. Every day hurts - you said so. I'd think that an emotional connection with Evan would be more powerful in both helping her get over this hurt and in creating a better hook for the reader. Then, you can mention the dimples.

Mallory tries to keep from interfering in his life too much, but she still sneaks in the occasional butt slap. She has to be careful because her energy can knock him flat on the ground, but that’s not always a bad thing -- it might be her only chance of getting noticed.

Mallory knows there is definitely life after death, but whether or not there is love after death will require a bit more work. Acting like a sulky poltergeist isn't cutting it. She hopes she doesn't scare him to death. Then again, maybe she does. Excellent last two sentences.

MALLORY’S STORY is a 90,000 word adult paranormal novel. I have a M@ster of A*ts in Pr*fessional C@unseling and my experience as a ther@pist has aided me in the writing of this character-driven story. The first few pages are below for your consideration and the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Regan Leigh
http://www.reganleigh.com

Regan Leigh wrote: Dear Mr. Awesome Agent,

Sometimes the dead haunt the living, and sometimes, the living hurt the dead. For a wandering spirit named Mallory Richards, every day hurts. She can't remember how she died, and the memories of how she lived are fading fast. Start with these two sentences, which punched me in the gut (in a good way!) when I read them.

Her spirit is pulled to a stranger's home, where she moves car keys when he isn't looking, slams drawers, and knocks over magazines. Evan, a sensitive loner with amazing dimples--just the sort of man she could fall in love with--disregards it all. I don't love this sentence. It's a little too cute, too soon after my punch-to-the-gut reaction to your opening paragraph. Could you change the wording a bit? Save the amazing dimples for later, but maybe mention the potential for Evan to stop Mallory's pain, through love (or maybe an exorcism)?

Mallory tries to keep from interfering in his life too much, but she still sneaks in the occasional butt slap. She has to be careful because her energy can knock him flat on the ground, but that’s not always a bad thing -- it might be her only chance of getting noticed. I think this a good place to add the tension/conflict that other folks have asked about. She's not just a hot-to-trot ghost, right? She's trying to hold on to who she was when she was alive, or love will send her spirit forward, or she'll figure out how she died? Or something else? Let us know.

Mallory knows there is definitely life after death, but whether or not there is love after death will require a bit more work. Acting like a sulky poltergeist isn't cutting it. She hopes she doesn't scare him to death. Then again, maybe she does. These sentences read like tag lines to me -- they feel like a series of clever one liners that might appear in a book jacket, but they don't tell us what's going on in the story. Except I love the lines about scaring Evan to death. Really clever.

MALLORY’S STORY is a 90,000 word adult paranormal novel.I have a M@ster of A*ts in Pr*fessional C@unseling and my experience as a ther@pist has aided me in the writing of this character-driven story. The first few pages are below for your consideration and the full manuscript is available upon request. These sentences really aren't necessary, and just use up words that could be telling us more about your story.Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Regan Leigh
http://www.reganleigh.com