This is an okay opening.lexcade wrote:
Broken lives, destroyed families, murders—geneticist Janelle Gray is responsible, and she doesn’t even know it.
Streamline by omitting "the Humani Project" and "by preserving the subjects’ larynxes, which before now had been mutated beyond repair. And it works. On her."Her technology was supposed to revolutionize the Humani Project, the government-funded genetic cross-mutation experiment, by preserving the subjects’ larynxes, which before now had been mutated beyond repair. And it works. On her.
Besides repeating ideas you've already covered, you repeat the words "experiment" and "technology". Omit.She’s the crowning achievement of her own experiment, and she has no idea that she’s the one who perfected its technology.
The main dynamic -- the panther -- is coming in pretty late in this query, another reason to delete a lot of what you have put first.Without any memories of her past, she’s a blank slate, and the panther DNA spliced to hers is imprinting not only on her genetic code but also on her brain, slowly destroying any shreds of humanity she had left.
This is cool.But she doesn’t really care. She loves the power, ferocity, and grace the DNA grants her and she feels alive for the first time.
This humor doesn't work for me, it slows things down. Unless your story has a good bit of humor, I'd omit.Plus, having claws is pretty sweet, and a tail’s not so bad, either.
Omit "However," and probably "long".However, Janelle’s love affair with her wild side doesn’t last long.
Suggest streamlining to "When she kills for the first time..."When she has to kill for the first time
Not sure about the humor, the word "innocent" and the modifier "no less". Loses drama; again, does this reflect your manuscript style? I don't get that your story is light reading. Why not play up the violence. Is she appalled at her behavior? If so, that might be stronger than playing the cute angle.(an innocent little bunny, no less),
I like the idea here, but I think you have some awkward wording. Disgust lashing at instinct. Igniting strains. Strains of a war. These terms do not make sense to me.her human disgust lashes out at her panther instinct, igniting the first strains of a long civil war inside her mind.
I don't get this. Her past is locked in the lab?? Wouldn't it be locked within herself in the form of memories?She decides that the only way to avoid losing herself entirely is to hunt for her past, which is locked somewhere in the lab
Do you mean to say "knows where"?and in the scientists she thinks she knows.
Oh. They know her past better than she does? She has a better chance of accessing it through them than through herself? How do they know her past?Each of them contains a part of her story; she wants it back. But they’re not talking.
"When she gets, she learns he might be able to get, but she knows there's the chance she was someone."I think you can state this more artfully.When Janelle gets her third keeper, a mysterious man with no loyalty to the lab, she learns that he might be able to get her the information she wants, but with a past full of possibilities, she knows that there’s the chance she was someone worse than the scientists she loathes.
I think it is a mistake to use the word "chance" three times in two sentences. It just isn't that great of a word.She has to decide: take the chance and discover what kind of monster she really was, or submit to the panther and lose any chance to make things right.
More important, you allude to her being some sort of monster before her transformation. It might pay to play this up a bit more.