dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

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Emily J
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by Emily J » May 11th, 2010, 11:52 pm

lexcade wrote:Dear Agent:

Janelle was living the life she’d always wanted. And now, she can’t remember any of it. as much as I hate amnesia (and ooh how I hate that over used device) I think this opening is effective

The newest success of the Humani Project, a government-funded genetic experiment she’d sacrificed her loveless marriage for, embedded clause is awkward, probably because it ends in a preposition amnesiac Janelle must learn to exist as “Dima” while struggling to tame the panther DNA fused to hers. *blinks* well that's not something you hear everyday, panther DNA, righto so is she part panther part human? must admit I'm curious about this DNA fusing process... Lead scientist Lorenzo Fernandez, her former lover, offers no explanation to whom? to me maybe? in an effort to protect her from her old life and from the federal employees really? employees makes me think of like office space, i don't know about janelle but i'm not scared populating the lab who’d rather see her dead. literally this sentence made no sense to me, i dunno, maybe i'm obtuse why do they want to see her dead? why does she need protecting from her old life? Janelle’s mind contains the knowledge to reverse the Humani process. okay, starting to explain Should she remember anything, the government can kiss its anticipated super-soldiers goodbye. super panther soldiers? super panther amnesiac soldiers? missing something and kiss goodbye didn't really work for me here, maybe it's just me

Frederick James’ role was to ensure Janelle’s amnesia and update the President on viable successes. the president of the company? of the US? And how do you ensure amnesia? And what type of amnesia? retrograde? However, after being rejected by Janelle too many times, how many is too many? 27? i would have sued for sexual harassment he abuses his authority to punish her for choosing Lorenzo over him. He never expected her to fight back with a perfect blend of human logic and untamed animal ferocity.

Dima knows she must unlock Janelle’s secrets before more people become victims. But with deadly intentions tainting James’ obsession, and Lorenzo powerless to protect her, she must decide if she’ll risk her life to find the truth or if she’ll escape into the unknown, unable to control her animal desires.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 116,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
I was a bit chatty there, my apologies. You have an awful lot of plot here and I must admit the nefarious scheme seems a bit muddled to me right now. I think it could be crystallized into what is at stake. I'm assuming Dima/Janelle wants to become human again? Just a thought. I think the conflict is there, but could be made more clear.

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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by Quill » May 12th, 2010, 12:26 am

lexcade wrote:Dear Agent:

Janelle was living the life she’d always wanted. And now, she can’t remember any of it.
Good opening.
The newest success of the Humani Project, a government-funded genetic experiment she’d sacrificed her loveless marriage for,
"for which she'd sacrificed her loveless marriage" is stronger, and grammatically more proper. And, I don't know, doesn't sound like much of a sacrifice. Is it supposed to be? How about "traded her loveless marriage..."
amnesiac Janelle must learn to exist as “Dima” while struggling to tame the panther DNA fused to hers.
"while she struggles" would be grammatically more simpatico with "must learn".
Lead scientist Lorenzo Fernandez, her former lover,
Lover, not husband? Pre-husband? An affair? Confusion is never good in a query. Also, no last name given for the main character (which works fine) but this dude gets the full name?
offers no explanation in an effort to protect her from her old life and from the federal employees populating the lab who’d rather see her dead.
Big ole mouthful here that looks like a possible candidate for omission.
Janelle’s mind contains the knowledge to reverse the Humani process. Should she remember anything, the government can kiss its anticipated super-soldiers goodbye.
I'm also on board with not digging the government kissing goodbye. Is it too cliche, too flip? It's too something. Incongruous, maybe.
Frederick James’ role was to ensure Janelle’s amnesia and update the President on viable successes.
An awkward intro (non-intro really, he just appears, with full name and all); vaguenesses abound with "ensure" "the President" and "viable successes".
However, after being rejected by Janelle too many times,
Agree with previous poster; how many times is too many? Why are we quantifying his rejections?
he abuses his authority
If anything have him abuse her, not abuse his authority, it's too second-hand-sounding, not immediate enough.
to punish her for choosing Lorenzo over him.
"over him" is understood. Omit.
He never expected her to fight back with a perfect blend of human logic and untamed animal ferocity.
Are you sure you want to switch to past tense here?
Dima knows she must unlock Janelle’s secrets before more people become victims. But with deadly intentions tainting James’ obsession,
Intentions tainting an obsession seems a little thick, a little purple...
and Lorenzo powerless to protect her,
Why is he powerless?
she must decide if she’ll risk her life to find the truth
Not sure what this means. What would she need to do to find the truth. And, what truth?
or if she’ll escape into the unknown, unable to control her animal desires.
Sounds like she's risking her life this way, too. Either way. Which lessens the dramatic impact.
DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 116,000 words.
Wondering what the dirge has to do with it. Isn't a dirge a kind of downbeat piece of music?

I think, generally, the conflict and drama need to be heightened and clarified. What are the main characters true dilemma and choices? A little too much soap opera feel to this query, and not enough real drama.

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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by lexcade » May 12th, 2010, 1:33 am

ok....working on new attempt.

a dirge is a funeral song. a lot of the subjects die in the physical exams (which test how well a Humani is blended, so to speak), so dirge seemed appropriate.

back to the drawing board...
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by lexcade » May 12th, 2010, 4:23 am

?????????

Dear Agent:

Janelle Gray was living the life she’d always wanted. And now, she can’t remember any of it.

The Humani Project, the government-funded genetics experiment she moved halfway across the country to work on, is to blame. Specifically lead scientist Frederick James. Thanks to him, Janelle has to build a new existence as a panther-human hybrid while trying to tame the foreign DNA. Armed with a mind as sharp as her teeth, Janelle seeks the answers the repression chamber ripped from her. What she doesn’t know, aside from her entire life’s story, is that her quest could get her killed. In her mind was the knowledge to reverse the Humani process. Should she remember and actually succeed, the Project loses its federal protection. The UN gains eyewitnesses to the atrocities the lab is committing plus juicy secrets about what the US government’s “miracle project” is really producing.

Apart from ensuring Janelle’s trip to the repression chamber, James updates the Dept. of Defense on viable successes for its new black ops unit, which will consist entirely of suitable, and varied, Humani. However, James can’t let go of his obsession with Janelle, and he abuses her for choosing the Project’s founder over him. He doesn’t expect that his abuse is the key to unifying her warring halves.

Janelle knows that she’s connected to the scientists somehow. But with deadly intentions tainting James’ obsession, she must decide if she should escape and save her own skin or if the truth is worth dying for.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 116,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Last edited by lexcade on May 26th, 2010, 4:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by Chris48 » May 14th, 2010, 10:53 am

I agree with what Quill has to say. I am left wanting to know how she was transformed. I will also say that you may have too much information for a query letter. Maybe some of the details (ie: naming all people involved) would be better suited for a synopsis. I know though that some stories are so jammed packed full of characters and plot lines that it can't be helped to mention so many of the players in a query. Hope this helps - Chris 48

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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by lexcade » May 23rd, 2010, 7:48 pm

OK. here's what i was thinking. yet another new slant, but one that will keep names to a minimum...

what if instead of focusing on the global crisis of a gov't-funded, unethical experiment, i just focus it on janelle's search for her memories while trying to achieve her balance between animal and human? i'll try to fit in the genetic cross-mutation, but for the most part, i want to narrow the scope to one aspect of janelle's fight--her internal struggle. yeah, james is a douche and is responsible for her memory loss, but ultimately, janelle has to make her own decisions regarding whether she'll fight to keep her humanity in tact or if she'll succumb to the allure of the panther's "wild side," its strength, passion, ferocity, and grace. that's one of the most important focuses of the book. if you had the choice, would you fight for your humanity, even at the expense your life? that's essentially what her search for her past becomes. it's really her only way to maintain her humanity since the panther's memories are invading all that empty space where her life was.

i love these forums... thanks everyone for your input! gonna keep trudging...
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by HillaryJ » May 24th, 2010, 12:34 pm

If that's the main focus of the book, then absolutely. Save a new copy of the query and start it with a whole new focus addressing her journey, her stakes, and touching on the major obstacles. That was the one thing the prior versions of the query were really lacking. They didn't feel like there was a central character, and I couldn't get a feel for her other than knowing that she had a couple things she was looking into. Go for it! Rah! (that's the extent of my cheerleading abilities)
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by Joel Q » May 24th, 2010, 1:38 pm

Lexcade,

The struggling to find her true identity/humanity vs cat... should be the focus.
But know this topic is a basic storyline. So, try to be fresh with the detials.

Also, I just read Werehunter by Mercedes Lackey. It's a free book of short stories from Baen Books.
http://www.baen.com/library/

Not trying to push the web site, but the first short story in the book is about a girl who turns into a leopard.
She had some interesting takes on the topic. Thought you might be interested.

JQ

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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by lexcade » May 24th, 2010, 5:29 pm

Hillary, thanks for the cheering up! :D it was excellent and what i need right now. i know that this is an arduous process, but sometimes i just want to throw things against the wall... and i'm at work right now, so that would probably be frowned upon.

Joel, thanks for the recommendation! Can't wait to dive in :) I've been struggling to find anything like this that's not YA, you know? I'll definitely try to spice things up.
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by lexcade » May 26th, 2010, 4:52 pm

just posting the meat here... i tried to go with the whole human/beast conflict thingy and this is what i came up with. the last two lines are soooo sooo weak, and i hate them... and now i don't know if it even makes sense.... rip it up, por favor :D

Janelle used to be human; at least she thinks she did.

Now, stripped of her memories, Janelle doesn’t know what she is. Mutated with panther DNA by the technology she helped to perfect, she walks a fine line between Human and Beast, her humanity fading more every day. Janelle seeks a way to balance her dynamic halves, but there’s a problem: she likes the strength, ferocity, and grace she’s gained from the panther, so much so that she’s willing to shuck the humanity she thinks she should miss.

Until she actually has to use those gifts to protect herself and her keeper from a pair of mercenaries sent to “liberate her” from the lab. A brief altercation results in the female gunman’s mutilated face, the male’s damaged leg, and Janelle’s fear that her humanity might be the only way to keep her animal aggression in check. But with her past nothing more than infinite possibilities, there is the agonizing chance that the woman she was might be someone worse than the scientists she loathes.

When the male gunman, Kiefer, takes over as her keeper in an effort to complete his assignment, Janelle must face the consequences of her actions on a daily basis and her quest takes on an uncomfortable urgency. If she can’t find the information she needs before Kiefer enacts his plan, she risks living the rest of her life as an uncontrollable beast; if she can, she risks hating herself forever.


***btw, joel, i really enjoyed that story you recommended. thanks! :)***
Last edited by lexcade on May 31st, 2010, 4:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by HillaryJ » May 27th, 2010, 12:29 am

lexcade wrote:
Janelle used to be human; at least she thinks she did. *The next two paragraphs show that she was not only human, she was a highly-functioning human, so let's take this out or amend it. Don't have a pitchline at the top of your query if it doesn't shine*

Now, stripped of her memories, Janelle doesn’t know what she is. Mutated with panther DNA by the technology she helped to perfect, she walks a fine line between Human and Beast, her humanity fading more every day. Janelle seeks a way to balance her dynamic halves, but there’s a problem: she likes the strength, ferocity, and grace she’s gained from the panther, so much so that she’s willing to shuck the humanity she thinks she should miss. *Couple of things. One, her memories are fragmented but not entirely gone, right? And she's not walking a fine line (cliche!) if one side is losing. She's trying to balance her two sets of instincts and wants to hold on to her humanity, but the raw power and strength is alluring.*

Until she actually has to use those gifts to protect herself and her keeper from a pair of mercenaries sent to “liberate her” from the lab. A brief altercation results in the female gunman’s mutilated face, the male’s damaged leg, and Janelle’s fear that her humanity might be the only way to keep her animal aggression in check. *This doesn't work for me. You've got details but it's not looking like she kept herself in check. Does the brief altercation end with her seething with the urge to kill, and only the frantic pulse of human empathy holding her back?* But with her past nothing more than infinite possibilities *or a fuzzy web of half-drawn images colored by the manipulation of the humans watching over her?* that, there is the agonizing chance that the woman she was might be someone worse than the scientists she loathes. *Hello! The last part of this sentence is really interesting and something I absolutely did not see in your first set of queries. One, she struggling with amnesia and untamed ferocity. But, two, she's not just struggling with a beastly side...she's trying to figure out if, as a human, she was more a monster than she is as an "animal".*

When the male gunman, Kiefer, takes over as her keeper in an effort to complete his assignment, Janelle must face the consequences of her actions on a daily basis and her quest takes on an uncomfortable urgency. If she can’t find the information she needs before Kiefer enacts his plan, she risks living the rest of her life as an uncontrollable beast; if she can, she risks hating herself forever.
Okay, I can see you feeling your way around this new focus, so my comments/questions are to try to help you focus rather than a line critique.

Okay, the most interesting things for me here are her human feelings grappling with animal tendencies (they appear to be something in opposition to human feelings, but I'm not really clear on what they are. I just assume they are violent because she's got the mad skillz to inflict damage) and her coming to understand that she might not have been a good person. It's hard to fight to regain your humanity when you weren't a nice person. So, focus on those and build some of the plot around them. I would recommend including some of the manipulative cast of characters who surround her at the beginning. And...does something happen between her and Kiefer? If not, he might be getting a little too much airplay here.

Also, I threw in some "creative" wording to prompt you to spice up the telling parts.
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by lexcade » May 28th, 2010, 8:54 pm

thanks for the great suggestions, hillary! this is really making me crazy right now... i like this idea of focusing on what is central to her instead of what's going on in the world around her. she doesn't care about the gov't stuff as much as she cares about what's going on with her and the other people who become the newest experiments, as well as the leopard mix that was the first success, someone she becomes close friends with.

which is why Kiefer's important. they don't have a romantic spark, but he becomes her first "human friend" in the novel. while she does have (and fights against) feelings for Dr. Lorenzo, Kiefer is the one she starts to confide in. he perpetuates a change of both location and perception, especially when his leg worsens and his limp becomes more pronounced. she hated herself before for getting out of hand. after she gets to know him, her guilt just gets worse and that really pushes her to focus on finding her balance. so he's important in that respect, but she still has a deep, strong love for Lorenzo, which also carries her toward her goal of finding her past. she can't understand why she loves him. she just knows that she does. Kiefer both promotes and threatens her love and her search in that he grows to understand how she could love Lorenzo, but he's still getting her the eff out of dodge no matter what.

did that make ANY sense at all?
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by lexcade » May 31st, 2010, 4:00 am

taking what hillary suggested and trying to shove a few things in. i feel like this one has more voice, at least. and hopefully isn't too...un...good?

Dear Agent:

Janelle went to sleep a geneticist; today, she’s the crowning achievement of her own experiment. And she can’t remember a thing.

Mutated by panther DNA, Janelle has the hope of an entire lab on her shoulders and Frederick James on her back. The lead scientist and general pain-in-the-ass is dead-set on Janelle’s total obedience. The problem is that she can’t even control herself, so how the hell can he control her? She’s two dynamically opposed forces in one: the purely logical scientist and the whirlwind of instinct and fury that is the caged panther.

The panther’s memories—the hunting, jungle-sleeping, survival—are trickling into the areas that used to contain memories of struggle, heartbreak, and eventual healing through love and friendship. Without her human memories to guide her, Janelle falls under the panther’s spell, loving the power, grace, and ferocity she’s gained, and feeling alive for the first time.

But as the panther takes over more often, leading Janelle into an unwanted fight with the resident psycho spider Humani, pushing her to defy James on a regular basis, urging her to kill two armed attackers after she maimed them, Janelle realizes that the little bit of humanity she has left might be key to quieting the whirlwind inside her mind. However, Janelle’s past is nothing but possibility, and she knows that there’s the chance she was someone worse than the scientists she loathes. She has to decide: take the chance and maybe hate herself, or let the panther consume her. Either way, the Janelle everyone knew is gone.
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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by Quill » May 31st, 2010, 12:00 pm

lexcade wrote:
Janelle went to sleep a geneticist; today, she’s the crowning achievement of her own experiment. And she can’t remember a thing.
I miss the directness and drama of some of your earlier attempts.
Mutated by panther DNA, Janelle has the hope of an entire lab on her shoulders and Frederick James on her back. The lead scientist and general pain-in-the-ass is dead-set on Janelle’s total obedience.
Four cliches in two sentences is too many. "On her shoulders" "on her back" "pain-in-the-ass" and "dead-set"(neither of which requires the dash, I believe).
The problem is that she can’t even control herself, so how the hell can he control her?
Is this logical? A dog often cannot control itself, yet I can control the dog.
She’s two dynamically opposed forces in one: the purely logical scientist and the whirlwind of instinct and fury that is the caged panther.
I think you can safely drop "purely".
The panther’s memories—the hunting, jungle-sleeping, survival—are trickling into the areas that used to contain memories of struggle, heartbreak, and eventual healing through love and friendship.
Can you replace one of the two "memories" with "recollections" for variety? And, what panther's memories? Is she merged with an actual animal? Or simply become part panther, this isn't clear. Does panther DNA contain memories of hunting and sleeping in the jungle? Or is that a brain function.
Without her human memories to guide her,
A third "memories" in two sentences doesn't work for me. And, are memories what guide us? Or is it primarily character, or our nature?
Janelle falls under the panther’s spell,
A bit cliche. Can a panther cast a spell? Can DNA cast a spell? Can a panther's DNA rightly be called a panther?
loving the power, grace, and ferocity she’s gained, and feeling alive for the first time.
This is good. And I do like the premise of the story.
But as the panther takes over more often, leading Janelle into an unwanted fight with the resident psycho spider Humani, pushing her to defy James on a regular basis, urging her to kill two armed attackers after she maimed them, Janelle realizes that the little bit of humanity she has left might be key to quieting the whirlwind inside her mind.
This seems too much for one sentence. You a) intro a new character (Humani), b) allude to another character we barely know (with the vague "pushing her to defy James on a regular basis"), c) allude to another action sequence (considering killing two she has maimed), and d) have Janelle come to a major realization. Whew!

Also, I think using "whirlwind" again is once too many. But maybe that's just me.
However, Janelle’s past is nothing but possibility, and she knows that there’s the chance she was someone worse than the scientists she loathes.
I would cut this sentence.
She has to decide: take the chance and maybe hate herself, or let the panther consume her.
The conflict needs to be more strongly put. "Maybe hating" herself is not a dire enough consequence.
Either way, the Janelle everyone knew is gone.
This is good, but I think too final for a query. A query is bait. Also, the subject of your wrap-up sentence has essentially shifted to "everyone." That's a little awkward.

I think you have a good story; that's been made clear by some of your earlier queries. And I think some of those attempts were pretty darn good. This one feels a bit overworked. Good luck!

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Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Post by lexcade » June 2nd, 2010, 12:43 am

...? probably still tmi, but it might have some promise.

Dear Agent:

Broken lives, destroyed families, murders—geneticist Janelle Gray is responsible, and she doesn’t even know it.

Her technology was supposed to revolutionize the Humani Project, the government-funded genetic cross-mutation experiment, by preserving the subjects’ larynxes, which before now had been mutated beyond repair. And it works. On her.

She’s the crowning achievement of her own experiment, and she has no idea that she’s the one who perfected its technology. Without any memories of her past, she’s a blank slate, and the panther DNA spliced to hers is imprinting not only on her genetic code but also on her brain, slowly destroying any shreds of humanity she had left. But she doesn’t really care. She loves the power, ferocity, and grace the DNA grants her and she feels alive for the first time. Plus, having claws is pretty sweet, and a tail’s not so bad, either.

However, Janelle’s love affair with her wild side doesn’t last long. When she has to kill for the first time (an innocent little bunny, no less), her human disgust lashes out at her panther instinct, igniting the first strains of a long civil war inside her mind. She decides that the only way to avoid losing herself entirely is to hunt for her past, which is locked somewhere in the lab and in the scientists she thinks she knows. Each of them contains a part of her story; she wants it back. But they’re not talking.

When Janelle gets her third keeper, a mysterious man with no loyalty to the lab, she learns that he might be able to get her the information she wants, but with a past full of possibilities, she knows that there’s the chance she was someone worse than the scientists she loathes. She has to decide: take the chance and discover what kind of monster she really was, or submit to the panther and lose any chance to make things right.
"Art imitates nature as well as it can, as a pupil follows his master; thus it is sort of a grandchild of God." ~~Dante

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