Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER

[Robin]

NEWEST QUERY:

When Seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers goes outside to take out the trash, she finds her boyfriend Tristan chained in the driveway Chained in the driveway? Was he chained and left in the driveway? or was he actually chained to something? (just a thought I had) after being beaten by a street gang Is street gang relevant to the story? You might want to omit "street gang" and just leave it as "beaten". Horrified at the bruises on his face and blood on his shirt, she doesn’t understand his raging desperation for her to leave, now. Nicola ignores his plea, doing her best to liberate him. But when the first splattering raindrops strike his skin, the unimaginable happens—Tristan sprouts wings. ooohhh. I like...

Did I miss something here? What happened from the man sprouting wings to her recovering? did she pass out? Did he fly away? Recovering from the frightening encounter, Nicola’s not sure if she should confide in someone, pack her bags and move to her mother’s, or search for her winged-monster-of-an-ex-boyfriend Is he a monster or some kind of creature? Angel? . When she comes face-to-face with Tristan, Nicola discovers a truth that is more heartbreaking that anything she imagined. how does she find her man? Does she meet him at Starbucks? Refusing to enter his angelic stage to prevent his kin of non-spiritual angels from finding out how much of their existence Nicola knows, Tristan is dying. Is he dying from the beating? or is he dying because he cant transform? I feel like I am missing important info here Now Nicola has two choices. She can expose herself to the angels, giving her life in the process to save Tristan’s. Or she can let her beloved Tristan die to save herself.

Either way, one has to die for the other to survive.
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Thank you.

I have always hated the name Tristan. I'm sorry, but it has been so overused in SF/ Fantasy and romance genres... (sorry). I feel like I am not being told important info in regards to Tristans state. Is he a monster or a form of an angel? Good angel or bad angel? why does he have to transform? Did he die from his beating and became an angel to go to heaven?? (just thoughts...)

Either way, one has to die for the other to survive.------> This is overused as well (I'm sorry, not trying to be brutal)...

Last question, are they in a serious relationship to where they would give their lives for one another? You say boyfriend, but how serious are they?

[hanna2494]

So I decided to send the (this) query letter as it was and got 4 Manuscripts requests from agents. Now I'm even more nervous.

[Robin]

So I decided to send the (this) query letter as it was and got 4 Manuscripts requests from agents. Now I'm even more nervous.

Congratulations!! Just go with it. You got this far :)

[kenpochick]

Congratulations! That's a great response. Let us know what happens.

[Joel Q]

Congrats on the requests.
JQ

[Bohemienne]

Let me say up front that even your first query got me excited to read your book--and obviously what you have is attracting agent attention already. :) That being said, I do have just a few suggestions:

NEWEST QUERY:

When Seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers goes outside to take out the trash I think this could be shortened to "Nicola Summers takes out the trash", she finds her boyfriend Tristan chained in the driveway after being beaten by a street gang. Horrified at the bruises on his face and blood on his shirt the bruises are only on his face? this seems weirdly specific. I think "Horrified by his bruises and the blood..." would suffice, she doesn’t understand his raging desperation for her to leave, now. this punctuation confuses me. "for her to leave--now" makes more sense to me Nicola ignores his plea, doing her best to liberate him. These are sequential, yes? If so, "doing" is not correct. She ignores his plea, and does her best to liberate him. But when the first splattering raindrops strike his skin, the unimaginable happens—Tristan sprouts wings.

Recovering from the frightening encounter, Nicola’s not sure if she should confide in someone, pack her bags and move to her mother’s, or search for her winged-monster-of-an-ex-boyfriend. So he sprouted wings and disappeared? Flew off? This isn't clear When she comes face-to-face with Tristan, "face to face" is a little melodramatic. Maybe just when she finds him again. Nicola discovers a truth that is more heartbreaking that anything she imagined. Refusing to enter his angelic stage to prevent his kin of non-spiritual angels from finding out how much of their existence Nicola knows, Tristan is dying. This sentence is really confusing and I really don't know what it means. Now Nicola has two choices. She can expose herself to the angels, giving her life in the process to save Tristan’s. Or she can let her beloved Tristan die to save herself.

Either way, one has to die for the other to survive. Great closer!
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Thank you.