Query: VALENTINE, New Revision & stuff

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HillaryJ
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Re: Query: VALENTINE, New Revision & stuff

Post by HillaryJ » May 23rd, 2010, 1:57 am

rainbowsheeps wrote:
NEWEST VERSION

Dear Specific Agent,

Nineteen-year-old Adam tried to kill himself. His biggest regret is that his five-year-old sister, Evelyn, found him bleeding on the floor. Every night, he tucks her into bed and hopes to find a way to make it up to her.

But one day, Adam meets seventeen-year-old Cherith, and his life changes. They fall in love, and he's happy for the first time he can remember. Even when Cherith tells him she has cancer, Adam promises to stay with her, always. Nightmares start to haunt him, though. He relives his suicide attempt and sees the pain he caused Evelyn, again and again.

When Cherith collapses on Valentine's night, the dreams change from death and agony to radiant beauty. Every time he falls asleep, he meets Cherith in the tunnel of love in a carnival made completely of lights, or he dances with her under the violet skies, in the red grass blades of what he thinks is heaven. *The "and" kept jarring me from a nicely described scene. Just a suggestion.* The visions seep into real life, and both his chances of helping Evelyn and keeping his promise to Cherith seem to be slipping away. But Adam desperately wants to believe his dreams are showing him a way Cherith and he can be together forever... if only it wouldn't mean leaving Evelyn behind.

VALENTINE is a work of literary fiction of approximately 110,000 words. [Personalized info.]

Sincerely,
me.
This is a nice revision. It flows better and I don't think you have to cover all the themes and every twist of the plot in the query. This is intriguing. Adam has a complex web of issues and difficult decisions to make, even while his mind may or may not be whole.
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CARNIEPUNK - http://books.simonandschuster.com/Carni ... 1476714158
as Regan Summers - The Night Runner series from Carina Press

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HillaryJ
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Re: Query: VALENTINE, New Revision & stuff

Post by HillaryJ » May 23rd, 2010, 1:58 am

Just a quick addition to my last comment. I would like more about the visions seeping into reality, either an explanation of the concept or, better yet, an example. Did one of his dream visions occur?
Blog http://www.hillaryjacques.blogspot.com
Twitter http://www.twitter.com/hillaryjacques
CARNIEPUNK - http://books.simonandschuster.com/Carni ... 1476714158
as Regan Summers - The Night Runner series from Carina Press

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rainbowsheeps
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Re: Query: VALENTINE, New Revision & stuff

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 23rd, 2010, 12:06 pm

HillaryJ wrote:Just a quick addition to my last comment. I would like more about the visions seeping into reality, either an explanation of the concept or, better yet, an example. Did one of his dream visions occur?
I thought about adding an example of this. I might try it out and see how the query flows then.

Thanks for the comments Hillary!

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lunerunit
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Re: Query: VALENTINE, New Revision & stuff

Post by lunerunit » May 23rd, 2010, 3:42 pm

I must say, I like this latest revision. Very nicely done! I tend to agree with Hillary, though. I'd like to know just how the visions seep into his real life.

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