Revised query, Paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU AN

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BethC
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Revised query, Paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU AN

Post by BethC » April 8th, 2010, 8:01 pm

Again I say thanks for your comments. I always fight with myself over how much to tell and still make the agent want to know more. In my story the man who tries to kill her escapes from prison and comes back at the end of the novel, making one last attempt to kill her...of course no spell worth its salt would let Reid down and for a second time he saves her. I didn't include that part...there's just to much to tell...So see what you think and I can have another go from there.

Dear (agent),

Presley O'Connor isn't exactly a mind reader, but reading other's deepest emotions works about as well. It's like having your own built-in lie detector. Life is good, until a letter arrives on her eighteenth birthday that includes her senior picture with her face mutilated and a wish for a happy last birthday. Hoping it's just a sick joke, she begins checking out her classmates feelings. But no one, not even the guy she's been brushing off, is harboring murderous thoughts.

Unfortunately the threat is real. A serial killer, who finds jobs in photography studios, has chosen her for his sixth victim. But the killer's presense is affecting more than just Presley--Reid Montgomery is having visions of her abduction and murder. Visions aren't new for Reid. For 400 years his family has been under a spell that allows the first born sons to find their soul mates through visions and to insure the family name through the birth of triplet sons in every fourth generation. He knows immediately why saving Presley is so important.

Presley is grateful for his actions, but knows he isn't being totally honest about how he saved her. Still she accepts his explanation and soon there is more between them than just gratitude. But love, even when you can see the future, is complicated. Fearing Presley won't want him when she learns about the spell, he pushes her away. Willing to accept anything that will bring Reid back into her life, she is determined to prove she would have loved him...even without the magic.

My YA paranormal romance novel, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, is complete at 103,000 words. I am prepared to send a partial or full manuscript upon your request. I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
(name and contact info)

KappaP
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Re: Revised query, Paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU AN

Post by KappaP » April 9th, 2010, 3:13 am

BethC wrote:Again I say thanks for your comments. I always fight with myself over how much to tell and still make the agent want to know more. In my story the man who tries to kill her escapes from prison and comes back at the end of the novel, making one last attempt to kill her...of course no spell worth its salt would let Reid down and for a second time he saves her. I didn't include that part...there's just to much to tell...So see what you think and I can have another go from there.

Dear (agent),

Presley O'Connor isn't exactly a mind reader, but reading other's deepest emotions works about as well. It's like having your own built-in lie detector. Life is good, until a letter arrives on her eighteenth birthday that includes her senior picture with her face mutilated and a wish for a happy last birthday. Hoping it's just a sick joke, she begins checking out her classmates feelings. But no one, not even the guy she's been brushing off, is harboring murderous thoughts.

Unfortunately the threat is real. A serial killer, who finds jobs in photography studios, has chosen her for his sixth victim. But the killer's presense is affecting more than just Presley--Reid Montgomery is having visions of her abduction and murder. Visions aren't new for Reid. For 400 years his family has been under a spell that allows the first born sons to find their soul mates through visions and to insure the family name through the birth of triplet sons in every fourth generation. He knows immediately why saving Presley is so important.

Presley is grateful for his actions, but knows he isn't being totally honest about how he saved her. Still she accepts his explanation and soon there is more between them than just gratitude. But love, even when you can see the future, is complicated. Fearing Presley won't want him when she learns about the spell, he pushes her away. Willing to accept anything that will bring Reid back into her life, she is determined to prove she would have loved him...even without the magic.

My YA paranormal romance novel, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, is complete at 103,000 words. I am prepared to send a partial or full manuscript upon your request. I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
(name and contact info)

WOW. That is a huge, huge, huge improvement. Clearer, better details, better conflict and MORE VOICE! Really, really nice work. In my opinion, this version sounds a lot less like you were trying to write a query and more like you were just summarizing the story to a friend. You definitely show how the two stories fit together far better than last time.

The only nitpicks I have is that it should be "reading others'" not "reading other's" since it's plural. "Presense" should be "presence" (not sure if this is British spelling, but, if you are querying in the US, American spelling is with a 'c').

Yeah, this is very good, I think. You don't need any more details to entice the reader--- this is polar opposite of what I read, but I think it sounds really intriguing. I like that you've explained the family secret, that definitely makes Reid's conflict more apparent.

Great job!
www.patchesandsara.blogspot.com

Not a writing blog... at all.

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mmcdonald64
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Re: Revised query, Paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU AN

Post by mmcdonald64 » April 9th, 2010, 9:33 am

I really like that query and if I had the book, I'd want to read that too. The only thing that gives me pause is that Reid is searching for his soulmate with the knowledge that whoever she is will have his triplet sons. If I were Presley, I'd run screaming from the guy! lol.

It's one thing to have triplets by accident, but to know for sure? Yikes! That's a heck of a commitment. But don't worry, that's just me as a mother thinking that. ;-) My former boss had triplet daughters, and a neighbor had quads. I know they love their kids, but that is a lot of hard work.

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Re: Revised query, Paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU AN

Post by brandi_fey » April 9th, 2010, 11:11 am

BethC wrote:Again I say thanks for your comments. I always fight with myself over how much to tell and still make the agent want to know more. In my story the man who tries to kill her escapes from prison and comes back at the end of the novel, making one last attempt to kill her...of course no spell worth its salt would let Reid down and for a second time he saves her. I didn't include that part...there's just to much to tell...So see what you think and I can have another go from there.

Dear (agent),

Presley O'Connor isn't exactly a mind reader, but reading other's deepest emotions works about as well. It's like having your own built-in lie detector. Life is good, until a letter arrives on her eighteenth birthday that includes her senior picture with her face mutilated and a wish for a happy last birthday. Hoping it's just a sick joke, she begins checking out her classmates' feelings. But no one, not even the guy she's been brushing off, is harboring murderous thoughts.

Unfortunately the threat is real. A serial killer, who finds jobs in photography studios, has chosen her for his sixth victim. But the killer's presence is affecting more than just Presley--Reid Montgomery is having visions of her abduction and murder. Visions aren't new for Reid. For 400 years his family has been under a spell that allows the first born sons to find their soul mates through visions and to insure the family name through the birth of triplet sons in every fourth generation (I don't think this part is really necessary for the query). He knows immediately why saving Presley is so important.

Presley is grateful for his actions, but knows he isn't being totally honest about how he saved her. Still she accepts his explanation (What explanation? That it's a coincidence?) and soon there is more between them than just gratitude. But love, even when you can see the future, is complicated. Fearing Presley won't want him when she learns about the spell, he pushes her away. Willing to accept anything that will bring Reid back into her life, she is determined to prove she would have loved him...even without the magic.

My YA paranormal romance novel, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, is complete at 103,000 words. I am prepared to send a partial or full manuscript upon your request. I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
(name and contact info)
Yep, this is much better. Congratulations!

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rainbowsheeps
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Re: Revised query, Paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU AN

Post by rainbowsheeps » April 9th, 2010, 12:18 pm

BethC wrote:Again I say thanks for your comments. I always fight with myself over how much to tell and still make the agent want to know more. In my story the man who tries to kill her escapes from prison and comes back at the end of the novel, making one last attempt to kill her...of course no spell worth its salt would let Reid down and for a second time he saves her. I didn't include that part...there's just to much to tell...So see what you think and I can have another go from there.

Dear (agent),

Presley O'Connor isn't exactly a mind reader, but reading other's deepest emotions works about as well. It's like having your own built-in lie detector. Life is good, until a letter arrives on her eighteenth birthday that includes her senior picture with her face mutilated and a wish for a happy last birthday. Hoping it's just a sick joke, she begins checking out her classmates feelings. But no one, not even the guy she's been brushing off, is harboring murderous thoughts.

Unfortunately the threat is real. A serial killer, who finds jobs in photography studios, has chosen her for his sixth victim. But the killer's presense is affecting more than just Presley--Reid Montgomery is having visions of her abduction and murder. Visions aren't new for Reid. For 400 years, his family has been under a spell that allows the first born sons to find their soul mates through visions and to insure the family name through the birth of triplet sons in every fourth generation. (I think this sentence is too long. I'm not sure the part about insuring his family name and the triplets is necessary for the query. Maybe someone else has an opinion about that.) He knows immediately why saving Presley is so important.

Presley is grateful for his actions, but knows he isn't being totally honest about how he saved her. (So, how did he save her? You might want to hint at the fact he saves her, and their meeting, before you go into this conflict. It only needs to be a few words I think.) Still she accepts his explanation and soon there is more between them than just gratitude. But love, even when you can see the future, is complicated. Fearing Presley won't want him when she learns about the spell, he pushes her away. Willing to accept anything that will bring Reid back into her life, she is determined to prove she would have loved him...even without the magic. (It might just be me. I mean, despite the name, I am a guy, but I'm not sure this is the best place to end the query when the stakes don't seem very high? The stakes are high for her because she loves him, but I'd say it isn't illustrated strongly enough in this last paragraph to make me really feel for her enough that I would want to grab the book right away and see if she can do it. The first two paragraphs work as set-up, but I suppose I have general issues with this third one. It doesn't seem to flow as well as the first two do, and it kind of seems to... trail off, I suppose)

My YA paranormal romance novel, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, is complete at 103,000 words. I am prepared to send a partial or full manuscript upon your request. I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
(name and contact info)
My comments might be a little vague, and I apologize if they are. I think my problem is generally the last paragraph. I understand it's a romance, but I feel like the last 'graph doesn't have enough energy. It sizzles out. It's like this:

This girl has supernatural abilities, but her life is in danger. A guy, who also has powers, wants to save her and make lots of babies. But then you skip over the part where he actually saves her from the murderer, and their first meeting. Which seems important to getting us to care about them. It seems like the most exciting part. But you skip to, all of a sudden, the guy pushes her away because of shame for his power? And she wants him back. But there's no big element of danger in the end. At least, according to the query. I think adding more energy to the end to get agents to scramble to want to read it would make all the difference. Otherwise, I'm afraid it might come off a little too passive.

I haven't seen the older versions of this query, so I can't compliment you on how much it's improved, but I'd say it's almost there. Most of it is very tight. I just think that last paragraph needs some coffee.

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Re: Revised query, Paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU AN

Post by Joel Q » April 9th, 2010, 5:21 pm

[quote="BethC"]
Presley O'Connor isn't exactly a mind reader, but reading other's deepest emotions works about as well. It's like having your own built-in lie detector. Life is good, I think this is cliche...until a letter arrives on her eighteenth birthday that includes her senior picture with her face mutilated and a wish for a happy last birthday. Hoping it's just a sick joke, she begins checking out her classmates feelings. But no one, not even the guy she's been brushing off, is harboring murderous thoughts.

Unfortunately the threat is real. A serial killer, who finds jobs in photography studios, has chosen her for his sixth victim. But the killer's presense is affecting more than just Presley--Reid Montgomery is having visions of her abduction and murder. Visions aren't new for Reid. For 400 years his family has been under a spell that allows the first born sons to find their soul mates through visions and to insure the family name through the birth of triplet sons in every fourth generation. He knows immediately why saving Presley is so important.

Presley is grateful for his actions, but knows he isn't being totally honest about how he saved her. Still she accepts his explanation and soon there is more between them than just gratitude. But love, even when you can see the future, is complicated. Fearing Presley won't want him when she learns about the spell, he pushes her away. Willing to accept anything that will bring Reid back into her life, she is determined to prove she would have loved him...even without the magic.

The first two paragraphs give good descriptions of the main characters and the plot... I don't like this third paragraph. Most queries don't give the full story, kind of leaves it at the darkest moment with a question of what the character is to do. So, to me, the way it is written is the 3rd paragraph is what most of the book is about... does that make sense??? I'd rework the 3rd paragraph, make it the story question, the characters' task. You can include the uncertainty of the love relationship. I but I think we need to be left questioning if they fall in love and if he saves her.

Do we need to know why Reid's family line needs to continue to live?


My YA paranormal romance novel, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, is complete at 103,000 words. I am prepared to send a partial or full manuscript upon your request. I appreciate your time and consideration.
quote]

BethC
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Re: Revised query, Paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU AN

Post by BethC » April 9th, 2010, 7:44 pm

I really appreciate all your comments and words of encouragement. I do like this much better and I have struggled with that last paragraph. There is definitely more conflict at the end....the man that tried to kill her escapes from prison and abducts her...this time he is almost too late.....I think I do need to rework that last one...adding in that conflict and letting it end with does he or doesn't he. Again....you guys are the very best.

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