Query: The Archbishop's Son

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dahosek
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Query: The Archbishop's Son

Post by dahosek » April 7th, 2010, 8:32 pm

Emil Sirotek is a foundling raised in a Catholic orphanage in turn of the century Prague. When he discovers that his mother was once one of the nuns at the orphanage, he seeks her out. She tells him that his father is the archbishop and blames him for her being forced into poverty and prostitution. Hoping to gain her affection and a sense of family, he agrees to seek vengeance for her fall. He enters the minor seminary in order to get close to the archbishop and find a way to avenge his mother. But as Emil gets to know to the archbishop, he finds him to be kind, generous and supportive. He is now faced with a choice: Avenge his mother and lose his relationship with the archbishop or continue on his road to the priesthood and have the father he has always longed for while spurning the mother he never had.

The Archbishop’s Son is a literary novel of 85,000 words.

Emily J
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Re: Query: The Archbishop's Son

Post by Emily J » April 7th, 2010, 10:40 pm

dahosek wrote:Emil Sirotek is a foundling raised in a Catholic orphanage in turn of the century Prague. When he discovers that his mother was once one of the nuns at the orphanage, he seeks her out. She tells him that his father is the archbishop and blames him for her being forced into poverty and prostitution. Hoping to gain her affection and a sense of family, he agrees to seek vengeance for her fall. He enters the minor seminary in order to get close to the archbishop and find a way to avenge his mother. But as Emil gets to know to the archbishop, he finds him to be kind, generous serial comma here and supportive. He is now faced with a choice: Avenge his mother and lose his relationship with the archbishop i think you need a comma here, also "lose his relationship" seems a bit mild, he's going to kill him right? or continue on his road to the priesthood and have the father he has always longed for while spurning the mother he never had.

The Archbishop’s Son is a literary novel of 85,000 words.
Solid writing, grammatically clean. Overall it's good. My only problem with it, is that it reads a bit dry. The voice seems detached, dispassionate which doesn't seem to match the extremely emotional nature of the work. I don't know that I can describe it better than that, sorry. So overall it's good, but I would find a way to imbibe it with more emotion, more urgency. Sorry I know that's vague!

JTB
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Re: Query: The Archbishop's Son

Post by JTB » April 8th, 2010, 12:23 pm

one note:

the last line - is there too much going on here? i'm reading it a couple of times to get a solid sense of what the core quest/mission/story thing is - might be me (the sun's out here)!

KellyWittmann
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Re: Query: The Archbishop's Son

Post by KellyWittmann » April 8th, 2010, 10:21 pm

I agree that it needs to be "punched up" a bit. For example, the first two or three sentences. What about something like, "As a lonely Catholic-orphanage foundling in turn-of-the-century Prague, Emil Sirotek yearns for his lost mother. When he discovers her true identity, however, his life takes a confusing and ultimately heartbreaking turn." We need to hear what's in Sirotek's heart as well as his head.

I also agree that the last sentence is too long and unwieldy.

Avalon Ink
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Re: Query: The Archbishop's Son

Post by Avalon Ink » April 8th, 2010, 11:11 pm

The story sounds really interesting but the short, almost list-like sentences makes the query seem disjointed. Maybe re-write it with longer sentences that show your voice better.

Joel Q
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Re: Query: The Archbishop's Son

Post by Joel Q » April 9th, 2010, 5:27 pm

I agree with the others, you need more voice to liven it up.
And more emotion from Emil.
What's at stake?
Does his mother know his plans, would she do something if he did not follow through?
Bitter woman, nice man... are we missing something, that Emil will discover?
Just trying to think of points in the story that might add tension/conflict to the query.

JQ

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