REVISIONS DOWN BELOW!!!!Ok so my old thread got very long and confusing so I am starting a new and at the same time last thread because I think I am almost there!!! I am honestly so excited. Thanks so much. I can't wait for feedback and thans SO much for everyone who has helped me get this far!
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power, yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. Raised by his father in the spirit of hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior who is feared by all. But when he learns he's half-human and has a half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.
Avenging the murder of his mother, Vitiosus is determined to turn his sins around. Fighting for freedom in his very own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya, whose love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting the dark path to the throne with hope. But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, Vitiosus and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the rebels before an apocalypse turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel
Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
Last edited by shadow on March 31st, 2010, 5:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
Okay I am a bit confused (maybe I'm just thick, I don't know) is Lasserta a nation? Or the race? Is it the Lassertian nation? <Confused> The first sentence states "Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings." Don't you mean "Vitiosus is the prince of Lasserta, a nation..." and later you write "Lassertian nation?" Please clarify this because I can't figure it out, sorry.
You have too many abstract words here, peace freedon, light, dark, I think you need more concrete specific examples otherwise this query is awash in generalities. What freedom and peace is he longing for? Peace from the wars with the humans? Freedom from the chains of royal responsibility? (Just making stuff up now). And what does "dark warrior" mean? He is physically dark, emotionally dark, wears dark armor, has a dark sense of humor? Again, dunno. I know that he is "inexplicably" torn inside, but please, make it explicable for me, cause I'm lost.
And the word "seeker" at the end struck me (Ouch). What does it mean? I think it will inevitably (but not inexplicably) beg comparisons to Terry Goodkind. I don't think you mean your seeker is similar to Richard Cypher but without any other context that's where my mind went.
The story sounds like something I would be interesting in reading but I think you need to more clearly delineate the characters and the setting. Take out abstractions and replace them with specifics and this will read much better.
You have too many abstract words here, peace freedon, light, dark, I think you need more concrete specific examples otherwise this query is awash in generalities. What freedom and peace is he longing for? Peace from the wars with the humans? Freedom from the chains of royal responsibility? (Just making stuff up now). And what does "dark warrior" mean? He is physically dark, emotionally dark, wears dark armor, has a dark sense of humor? Again, dunno. I know that he is "inexplicably" torn inside, but please, make it explicable for me, cause I'm lost.
And the word "seeker" at the end struck me (Ouch). What does it mean? I think it will inevitably (but not inexplicably) beg comparisons to Terry Goodkind. I don't think you mean your seeker is similar to Richard Cypher but without any other context that's where my mind went.
The story sounds like something I would be interesting in reading but I think you need to more clearly delineate the characters and the setting. Take out abstractions and replace them with specifics and this will read much better.
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
I want to like this, but there are a few logical jumps in the narrative that I'm not making. Add a bit more explanation, cut out those generic phrases, and I think you'll have it.shadow wrote:Dear Agent,
Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power (Since we learn from the next sentence that the Lasserta aren't human, you may want to give us a bit more explanation here), yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. Raised by his father in the spirit of hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior who is feared by all. But when he learns he's half-human and has a half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people. Why?
Avenging the murder of his mother, Vitiosus is determined to turn his sins around. I don't like this sentence for a few reasons. First, the sentence structure implies that Vitiosus is doing these two things - avenging the murder of his mother and turning his sins around - simultaneously, which doesn't really make sense on a grammatical level. Also, on a more practical level, exacting revenge doesn't equal turning one's sins around, in my book. Fighting for freedom in his very own kingdom (Why is he fighting for freedom? And who is he fighting?), Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya, whose love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting the dark path to the throne with hope. Those last two phrases, "whose love teaches him of morality and beauty" and "lighting the dark path to the throne with hope," are too generic to be doing you much good. But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations (I thought Vitiosus was the rebel, since he's fighting for freedom...), taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, Vitiosus and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the rebels before an apocalypse turns to reality. There's something about that last phrase, "an apocalypse turns to reality," that strikes me as awkward.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. There's nothing about this that suggests it's a YA fantasy as opposed to an adult fantasy. Are the characters in their teens?
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
Here are just a couple of my thoughts. Hope they fit the scenario. And this version is much improved from the previous ones!!
shadow wrote:
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power, yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. Raised by his father in the spirit of hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior who is feared by all. I would change the sequence of these two sentences a little if you could, because I think they might flow a tad better if it read something like "Vitiosus is the prince of Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power. Raised by his father with a hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. But When he learns he's half-human and has a half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.
Avenging the murder of his mother, Vitiosus is determined to turn his sins around. I agree with Krista that this is a little confusing. If he you're saying "After avenging the murder of his mother ..." then it makes sense to say he's trying to turn his sins around. It doesn't sound plausible that he could believe he's turning them around when it sounds like he's preparing to commit murder in order to avenge her.Fighting for freedom in his very own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya, whose love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting the dark path to the throne with hope. I also agree these phrases, while nice inside the story itself are probably a little too flowery for a query letter. Be blunt at this point. If her love teaches him that he's willing to risk everything in order to rule a nation where he's free to love who he wants just say it (if that's the case, of course) But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, Vitiosus and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the rebels before an apocalypse turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
REVISION BELOW ONCE AGAIN!!!!Thanks so much guys! I was meaning to take out the mother part because it was sort of just in the middle of things.... Anyways the revision...
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus is the prince of Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power. Raised by his father with a hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. When he learns he's half-human and has a half human half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.
Fighting for freedom with his father in his very own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya, whose love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting his lonely journey with hope. But when a group of outside rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, Vitiosus and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the rebels before a possible massacre turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Me!!
The characters are in their teens. Vitiosus is 19, Tiya is 16, Gabriel is a bit older though but yeah....I really hope this is better...Do you think I need to add some personalization to every agent? Also someone recommended that I should write its action packed etc. But I want to let the story speak for itself what do you think?
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus is the prince of Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power. Raised by his father with a hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. When he learns he's half-human and has a half human half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.
Fighting for freedom with his father in his very own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya, whose love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting his lonely journey with hope. But when a group of outside rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, Vitiosus and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the rebels before a possible massacre turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Me!!
The characters are in their teens. Vitiosus is 19, Tiya is 16, Gabriel is a bit older though but yeah....I really hope this is better...Do you think I need to add some personalization to every agent? Also someone recommended that I should write its action packed etc. But I want to let the story speak for itself what do you think?
Last edited by shadow on March 31st, 2010, 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
Wow, that was a quick revise. Here's just a couple more thoughts, but I definitely think this is shaping up very nicely and you're almost there!
shadow wrote:
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus is the prince of Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power. Raised by his father with a hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. When he learns he's half-human and has a half human half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.just realized the half human half-brother thing is a bit of a tongue twister. How would you feel about saying something along the lines of "When he learns he's half-human and has a half-brother, Gabriel, who is also part human, Vitiosus understands the differences could cost him his throne and people."
Fighting his father for freedom with his father in his very own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya. whose Her love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting his lonely journey with hope. But when a group of outside rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, Vitiosus he and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the rebels assialants? (you already used "rebels" in this sentence) before a promised massacre turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Me!!
The characters are in their teens. Vitiosus is 19, Tiya is 16, Gabriel is a bit older though but yeah....I really hope this is better...Do you think I need to add some personalization to every agent? Also someone recommended that I should write its action packed etc. But I want to let the story speak for itself what do you think? I would add a small touch of personalization for each individual agent, but I would avoid using cliche tags like "action-packed" and trust your gut to let the story speak for itself.
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
Thanks Gonzo! You are seriously awesome! Here is another revision and yep I am really a quicky with these because I have been working on my original query since last year and its killing me! I am so happy I am getting closer and now I look back at the old ones and I am like, did I really write that?? I also tried playing with that sentence but nothing good came out of it so I think I might actually keep that nasty twister.
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus is the prince of Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power. Raised by his father with a hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. When he learns he's half-human and has a half human half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.
Fighting his father for freedom in his own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya. Her love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting his lonely journey with hope. But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, he and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the assailants before a possible massacre turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. (Needed personalization) Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Shadow
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus is the prince of Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power. Raised by his father with a hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for peace and freedom. When he learns he's half-human and has a half human half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.
Fighting his father for freedom in his own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya. Her love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting his lonely journey with hope. But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, he and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the assailants before a possible massacre turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. (Needed personalization) Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Shadow
Last edited by shadow on March 31st, 2010, 11:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
LOL, you're like the Energizer bunny with the re-writes. It sounds good. I'd still suggest thinking of another way to reword the half-human half-brother thing, in order not to have so many "-" in a row, but otherwise I think it's look pretty darn close.
I'd say to see what others have to say and then give it a go. It's a huge improvement over the first query. (Who'd have thought these things would be THIS tough!)
Good job!
I'd say to see what others have to say and then give it a go. It's a huge improvement over the first query. (Who'd have thought these things would be THIS tough!)
Good job!
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
LOL thanks Gonzo! I added a few more things here guys after I left it for a couple of hours so here is the one you can critique...I am actually trying out two new version. Ignore them if they are bad and tell me but I am sending this coming tuesday so lots of critique will be highly appreciated.
#1
Dear Agent,
I have been reading your blog for probably the last decade and I have learned a really lot from it. Also I lurk amongst you forum as ‘Shadow’.
Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power. Raised by his father with a hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for the opposite; peace and freedom. When he learns of his own past and discovers his human half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.
Fighting his father for freedom in his own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya. Her love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting his lonely journey with hope. But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, he and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the assailants before a possible massacre turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel set on a different earth with no limits. Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
#2
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus rules a nation that worships violence but finds himself longing for peace and freedom. As part of the Lassertian elite, he was brought up to hate humans. He is appalled to discover he himself has a human half-brother, and that his own mother was human. The secret of his birth endangers his throne and his life, but he can't help being drawn into the illicit world of the human underclasses, ultimately falling in love with a human girl from his own dungeons. He risks everything to keep this a secret, too, but when marauders from a nearby kingdom kidnap his love and threaten his nation, he must unite humans and Lassertians as well as the two sides of his nature.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. (Needed personalization) Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Shadow
#3
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus, the prince of the Lasserta, is at war with the humans. His father, the king, raised him in the spirit of hatred and anger towards them, but Vitiosus is . . . different. He longs for peace.
When Vitiosus stumbles upon his father’s darkest secret, he understands his differences are rooted in a terrifying truth that could cost him his throne and his nation; he is half human and he has a human half brother. When the king suddenly passes away, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, whose love for him lights the dark path to the throne. But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and Human nations, Vitiosus and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the invasion or both races will face enslavement to the greater power.
Vitiosus, the prince of the Lasserta, is at war with the humans. His father, the king, raised him in the spirit of hatred and anger towards them, but Vitiosus is . . . different. He longs for peace.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. (Needed personalization) Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Shadow
I am very curious to find out which one I should work on and which ones I should scrap. Most likely I will keep the first because I really like it but maybe I am wrong.. hmm...
#1
Dear Agent,
I have been reading your blog for probably the last decade and I have learned a really lot from it. Also I lurk amongst you forum as ‘Shadow’.
Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings striving for power. Raised by his father with a hatred and anger towards humans, Vitiosus is a dark warrior feared by all, yet he finds himself longing for the opposite; peace and freedom. When he learns of his own past and discovers his human half-brother, Gabriel, he understands his differences could cost him his throne and his people.
Fighting his father for freedom in his own kingdom, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl from the dungeons, Tiya. Her love teaches him of morality and beauty, lighting his lonely journey with hope. But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and human nations, taking Tiya hostage and threatening to destroy Vitiosus’ kingdom, he and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the assailants before a possible massacre turns to reality.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is a fast paced 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel set on a different earth with no limits. Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
#2
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus rules a nation that worships violence but finds himself longing for peace and freedom. As part of the Lassertian elite, he was brought up to hate humans. He is appalled to discover he himself has a human half-brother, and that his own mother was human. The secret of his birth endangers his throne and his life, but he can't help being drawn into the illicit world of the human underclasses, ultimately falling in love with a human girl from his own dungeons. He risks everything to keep this a secret, too, but when marauders from a nearby kingdom kidnap his love and threaten his nation, he must unite humans and Lassertians as well as the two sides of his nature.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. (Needed personalization) Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Shadow
#3
Dear Agent,
Vitiosus, the prince of the Lasserta, is at war with the humans. His father, the king, raised him in the spirit of hatred and anger towards them, but Vitiosus is . . . different. He longs for peace.
When Vitiosus stumbles upon his father’s darkest secret, he understands his differences are rooted in a terrifying truth that could cost him his throne and his nation; he is half human and he has a human half brother. When the king suddenly passes away, Vitiosus falls in love with a human girl, Tiya, whose love for him lights the dark path to the throne. But when a group of rebels attack the Lassertian and Human nations, Vitiosus and Gabriel must unite their warring people against the invasion or both races will face enslavement to the greater power.
Vitiosus, the prince of the Lasserta, is at war with the humans. His father, the king, raised him in the spirit of hatred and anger towards them, but Vitiosus is . . . different. He longs for peace.
OVERCAST SHADOWS is an 88,000 word YA Fantasy novel. (Needed personalization) Thank you for your time and for your consideration,
Shadow
I am very curious to find out which one I should work on and which ones I should scrap. Most likely I will keep the first because I really like it but maybe I am wrong.. hmm...
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Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
I like #1 but here's my problem. You say that Gabriel and Vitiousus must unite their warring people but that's the first we've heard that there are warring people. Is Gabriel a leader? Who are they warring with?
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