First of all, I think that if you've got a vampire you want to mention that in the query, otherwise you're burying the lede.ChrisisAlwaysRight wrote:See, I have a problem in writing this query. I have 30k words dedicated to 16 year old Matilda's first encounter with the Incan blood magic. I have 40k words relating to 72 year old Matilda's last encounter with the Incan blood magic - unfinished business she must sort before she dies. I have 10k words relating to Matilda's resurrection roughly seventy years after her death.
And that's what I'm struggling with. I've mentioned nothing about the clockwork robots battling Edward in Buckingham Palace, or the supernatural war that wages between angels and demons and intrudes throughout the novel, and which ultimately P&D ends up being about. I have a lot of plot, how do I decide what to include?
Overall, I think you were in a better place before this version - just what you love to hear at this point, I'm sure!
I think your hook is something like, "72-year-old demon hunter Matilda must defeat the Incan blood curse she released when she was sixteen, or face eternal damnation." Beyond that?
Let's try Query Mad Lib again.
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2008/03 ... d-lib.html
[protagonist name] is a [description of protagonist] living in [setting]. But when [complicating incident], [protagonist name] must [protagonist's quest] and [verb] [villain] in order to [protagonist's goal].
[protagonist name] = Matilda
[description of protagonist] = 72-year-old demon hunter and Duchess of Lancashire [don't know if she's a demon hunter, but DoL doesn't really tell us anything about her]
[setting] = a magical steampunk London.
[complicating incident] = Prince Alexander tries to assassinate HRH King Edward using the Incan blood magic Matilda released when she was sixteen,
[protagonist's quest] = sink the Titanic and all aboard her
[verb] = kill
[villain] = the Prince
[protagonist's goal] = save the world, at the risk of her immortal soul.
Matilda is a 72-year-old demon hunter and Duchess of Lancashire living in a a demon-ridden steampunk London. When Prince Alexander tries to assassinate HRH King Edward using the Incan blood magic Matilda released when she was sixteen, Matilda must sink the Titanic and all aboard her and kill the Prince in order to save the world at the risk of her immortal soul.
It's not pretty, but isn't this close to how you'd describe it to someone, if you had only one minute to talk?
What else does it kill you to leave out?